The Puffheads position is particular in its purpose: To Pulverize and Piledrive the pathetic personages that present themselves as placeholders upon the Holy Planets of Pi
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The primary purpose of the Puffheads is now plain: pugilism
But with the pre-eminent pugilist now past his prime, is such a purpose still practicable??
A plainspoken pronouncement!
The Premonition of a Priestess
In 2298 Archprophet Stippletob was fully prepared for a fight with the Pirak Combine over ownership of Persistence and Purgatory. The Puffhead Navy was the largest and most powerful in the galaxy, certainly capable of annihilating anything the Pirak put up against them. But what about the Pirak's allies, the Bakturians, the Buhavilaa and the Till'Lynesi? Stippletob had not been able to persuade any members of the so-called Just Axis to join him in an attack on the Pirak, so it would be the Puffheads alone against these four enemies combined. Nevertheless, Stippletob decided the prize of securing two more Holy Planets was worth the risk and was about to issue a declaration of war.
It was at this point that his sister the High Priestess Pimmlehob, came to him one morning in a fearful state.
High Priestess Pimmlehob: My brother, please say you haven't done it!
Archprophet Stippletob: Haven't done what, my dear?
Pimmlehob: Declared war on the Pirak!
Stippletob: Well, no not yet, my dearest, but the Fleet is nearly in position. We will be issuing the declaration of war in the next few days.
Pimmlehob: No, you must not do it!
Stippletob: But why on earth not, my dear? You know very well we've been preparing for this moment for the last ten years.
Pimmlehob: I know, dear brother, but if we do so, we are doomed!
Stippletob: Now, now, dearest, I think you've been overdoing it with the peanut pakora again, haven't you. Too much pakora puts you into a panic, you know that.
Pimmlehob: I haven't touched any pakora, I swear – but I have heard from the Great Pi! This is not the time for war against the Pirak.
Stippletob: You have heard from the Great Pi?
Pimmlehob: I had a portentous dream last night – I saw all our proud Puffhead ships being pummelled into powder. The poor Puffheads on board all perished!
Stippletob: But dearest, the Pirak could not possibly do that to our ships.
Pimmlehob: No, no, it was not the Pirak I perceived in this petrifying premonition. The perpetrators were the Bakturians and the Buhavilaa, may Pi punish them with a plethora of pestilential plagues!
Stippletob: Um, well. Perhaps.
Pimmlehob: I plead with you my dear brother! Put aside this profitless plan, it will produce only pain and penitence!
Stippletob: Well, perhaps we will send some spy ships to see precisely what strength the Bakturians and Buhavilaa possess before we progress any further.
Pimmlehob: I promise you, dearest brother, in this way you will presage the peril for yourself.
And so the DPS Sacred Census, conveniently already in Buhavilaa space, was ordered to do some reconnaissance of their fleet strength, and that of the neighbouring Bakturians. The results were disturbing. Both had fleets nearly as powerful as the Puffheads. If they chose to take an active part in defending their Pirak allies, the Puffheads would surely be massacred as High Priestess Pimmlehob had warned. Alas, it seemed that, until the Pirak were abandoned by their allies, or they were all weakened by some other war, Persistence and Purgatory lay beyond Puffhead grasp.
Pitiless Persecutors are Partially Punished
But Archprophet Stippletob did not want to resort to mere peaceful expansion, not after all his costly preparations for war. It was at this point that his eye fell upon the Holy Planet which lay practically on the Puffheads' doorstep, the planet of Plock III. It was as yet uncolonized, but for nearly a century it had lain within the territory of what was now known as the United Dima'Xanian Combine.
Archprophet Stippletob immediately sent a curt communication to the Empress Tredagik of the Dima'Xanians informing her that the Puffheads were formally annulling their association status with the Just Axis. He gave no reason, and the Empress seemed a little hurt. Over the next ten years of truce between the Puffheads and the members of the Just Axis the Dima'Xanians, the Luvvies and the Kraxroz sent the Puffheads repeated offers to re-establish their association status, which of course were all refused.
In 2301 Archprophet Stippletob died. His fifty-one year reign had been a time of great expansion and conquest for the Puffheads and the empire went into mourning for many weeks. According to the traditions of archprophethood, he was succeeded by his sister, Pimmlehob, while his son Ploobfit became the new heir. But the Archprophetess was nearly as old as Stippletob, and she did not last long. She died in 2303 after a reign of only two years, and Ploobfit became the new Archprophet.
Ploobfit was not the warmonger that his father had been, but nevertheless he felt constrained to continue on the path begun by his father, of preparing for war with the Just Axis, or rather the “Unjust Axis” as it was now generally referred to within the Puffhead empire. As well as continuing with research and the building up of the Puffhead Navy, Ploobfit also sent out survey ships on spying missions to ascertain the strength of the Axis fleets.
What these missions reported back to the Archprophet was quite encouraging. Not only was the Puffhead Navy far superior to any of the Axis fleets taken individually, it would also be able to put up a fair fight against all three combined. In addition, Archprophet Ploobfit had been sounding out other imperial leaders who might share the Puffheads' distaste at the despotic cruelty of the Unjust Axis. He found a kindred spirit in Imperator Brett Alexander of the Human Combine who now had a flourishing empire and who counted both the Kraxroz and the Luvvies among their enemies. The Imperator agreed to join the Puffheads' attack on the Axis. When the Puffheads' truce with the Axis expired in 2308, the Archprophet's preparations were almost ready.
The main Puffhead fleet, consisting of 13 battleships, 21 cruisers, 51 destroyers and 100 corvettes, now took up position in the Nekkar system ready to jump over to Yotla. Puffhead cruisers were also sent to other strategic points just outside Axis space. Their task was to seek out and destroy as many of the Kraxroz and Dima'Xanian wormhole stations as possible, thus hampering their fleet movement while the Puffhead Army and Navy did its job of storming and invading as many Dima'Xanian planets as possible.
Finally, in early 2309, Archprophet Ploobfit declared war. This seemed to take the members of the Unjust Axis somewhat by surprise. What, they politely enquired, had they ever done to antagonize the Puffheads? Archprophet Ploobfit ignored their plaintive protestations and got on with the business of invading the Dima'Xanians' territory.
Within a few months the Yotla system was occupied by the Puffheads, at which point the Dima'Xanians counter-attacked with their entire fleet which, unfortunately for them, was outnumbered about three to one and completely massacred. Meanwhile on the planet Kluxared, that is, Yotla III, there were scenes of ecstatic jubilation as the Qwe'Pulci slaves were liberated from their cruel Dima'Xanian oppressors.
But now the Kraxroz and the Luvvies were finally beginning to get organized. The combined strength of their fleets nearly matched the Puffhead Navy, and when they managed to join up to confront the Puffheads in Yotla things began to look a little less rosy.
Archprophet Ploobfit now had a tricky choice. The Dima'Xanians were being soundly beaten, and were offering to hand over the Yotla system for peace. But given the fact that their allies still had their fleets intact, they were not willing to cede anything more at this point. The battle about to be fought in Yotla would be costly for both sides, and the Puffheads would probably win, but perhaps only by sacrificing most of their fleet. As has been noted, Ploobfit was not a warmonger at heart, and he now decided that discretion was the better part of valour. He quickly called the Dima'Xanians to the peace table, and the Treaty of Yotla was signed.
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What pusillanimous peridiousness is this? A Puffhead Prophet prevaricating over Plock!
Pondering psyche, the Puffheads have prepared themselves a problem! This must be put to peace!
Perhaps he'll do penance for his poltroonery.
You have pinpointed the particularity of the Puffheads' present predicament! Now let's see what happens next...
The Pirak Pay for their Presumptious Pioneering
Archprophet Ploobfit had brought the Dima'Xanian War to an abrupt conclusion in 2313 when he foresaw a costly battle looming. Instead of securing the Holy Planet of Plock III he had merely succeeded in liberating the barely grateful Qwe'Pulci slaves of Yotla. But there was a pressing reason why the Archprophet had been anxious to emerge from the war with the Puffhead Navy more or less intact. Events to spinward had taken a new twist.
In 2312, for reasons best known to themselves, the Pirak had declared war on the Fafossan League, an empire located on the far side of the galaxy from them. Since the Fafossans had a defensive pact with the Buhavilaa (with whom the Pirak also had a defensive pact), this meant that the Pirak were now at war with the Buhavilaa, their neighbours and former allies. Was it even possible that this was the Pirak's main purpose in going to war, to stab their allies in the back?
In any case, the Pirak were now in a much weaker position than in 2298, and Archprophet Ploobfit now saw an opportunity of seizing Persistence and Purgatory from them. The task was somewhat simplified in that the Pirak had now colonized the ice-planet of Persistence II with ice-loving Alvanians. By taking Persistence, Rathadore and Medac from the Pirak, Purgatory should also then fall within Puffhead space.
This obviously took the Pirak by surprise. They had no fleets anywhere near Puffhead space and the Rathadore system was invaded and captured virtually unopposed. The main Pirak fleet, about half the size of the Puffhead Fleet, had now been spotted lurking in the Xudra system but when Admiral Paxpla managed to catch it shortly afterwards the Pirak retreated as soon as they could.
This was to set the pattern of the war. With their wormhole technology the Pirak possessed greater mobility and spent most of their time chasing the small Puffhead contingents tasked with destroying as many Pirak wormhole stations as they could. Meanwhile, the main Puffhead Fleet and Army attacked and occupied planet after planet. Occasional engagements between the main fleets were short-lived, the Pirak always retreating in the face of Puffhead superiority.
Another engagemnet shortly before the Pirak scarpered. Again.
Ploobfit now offered peace if the Pirak ceded Rathadore, Persistence and Medac, and his Pirak counterpart, Grand Marshal Re-Ma, sensibly agreed. In contrast to the Dima'Xanian War, the Pirak War had proved a resounding success.
Still, the good news was that two more of the Holy Planets of Pi were now safely in Puffhead hands. Persistence II, as has been mentioned, was already colonized, and in 2323 a Puffhead colony ship made planetfall on Purgatory II. It was the tenth Holy Planet to be secured. There were just eight now remaining in alien hands.
Just eight planets left, but alas, none of them look at all easy to get hold of. This is advance warning that this AAR may be on the brink of abandonment. I am playing on for a while and if I manage to build up my fleet enough I may have a go at a another war against the Just Axis to see if I can get anything more from them. Otherwise it may be time to concede defeat.
One glimmer of hope - after a few more years I notice that the two FEs (the Larongo and the Jibru) are now merely "Superior" compared to the Puffheads as opposed to "Overwhelming". Everyone else is "Inferior" taken individually, which of course does not necessarily mean we can take on 4 or 5 of them simultaneously and win...
There is a maxim in the armed forces - you may well know it - that runs "Proper preparation and planning prevents piss-poor Performance". That phrase has, for obvious reasons, always been in my mind reading this AAR.
I hope you manage to find a way to continue.
I hope you manage to find a way to continue.
Once you have equivalent or better Naval Capacity to the FE's, you can defeat them. You will need to max your fleet up to your cap and wait until your mineral resources are full. start constructing cruisers in every space port you have until you are out of minerals. Declare war and make sure to include their home system in you cede demands. Make a big doom stack and attack one of their outlying systems. Destroy at least 1 mining/research station and wait. Their doom stack will find you. If their fleet strength is <= 1.5X yours, you will win. If you want to be sure, build a death flower of your biggest defense stations near the border closest to the FE in question. Retreat your fleet there as soon as their doomstack appears. With the short range (from the FTL Snare), you should be able to defeat an FE doom stack up to 1.8X yours.
PS - I have only done this with fleets armed with Kinetics and plasma weapons. I have not ever played with missiles.
Thanks - I haven't given up yet. An update will be coming soon I hope.
Some very useful advice - thank you. I've hardly played at all at the scale and level I'm now at in this game so I feel like a total noob tbh. But I'm learning!
Once my fleet strength hits about 75K (no mods), I start looking for wars against FEs. I like goading the Xenophobe into declaring war by encroaching on its borders as aggressively as possible. I also like antagonizing the Spiritualist by colonizing Holy worlds.
That's good to know. My current fleet strength is about 36K but that's only about two thirds of my capacity. So it may not be too long before I get within striking distance of the FEs.
The Perspirations of a Perturbed Prophet
Archprophet Ploobfit sat strapped to a rather uncomfortable metal chair and squirmed, uncomfortably. Standing over him were his younger brother High Priest Dapplejip, and two other priests from the Great Temple of Pi. The Puffhead Inquisition. It was a scene without precedent in Puffhead history.
Dapplejip: So, my brother, we perceive that the prattling public are persuaded that you have made some perverse pronouncements in private. Heretical, is the word I would prefer, only it doesn't begin with P.
Ploobfit: Pure piffle!
First Inquisitor: You propose that the Great Pi has not prevailed upon us to procure the Eighteen Holy Planets! You plead that the Great Quest is a profitless pursuit of purely pagan provenance!
Ploobfit: Poppycock! I never said any such thing!
Second Inquisitor: They profess to having proof. It is put about that you would prefer the peaceful population of profane planets already in Puffhead possession to the procurement of Holy Planets by the power of the Puffhead Navy.
Ploobfit: I don't know what you're talking about!
Dapplejip: Perhaps this might prod your memory, Archprophet.
The High Priest produced a memo, signed by the Archprophet, to the Minister of Finance, instructing him to stop spending any more on the Puffhead Navy, and to concentrate only on internal development and colonization.
Dapplejip: You penned this prescript?
Ploobfit: Err... well, yes.
First Inquisitor: To what purpose, pray, Archprophet, if not to proscribe the pursuit of the Great Quest?
Ploobfit: I... err... I, well...
Second Inquisitor: Archprophet, it is plain that you are prevaricating, and your performance is punishable by the most palpably painful procedures...
Ploobfit: No, please!!
Dapplejip: ...but we are prepared to pardon you – at a price.
Ploobfit: Wh-what price?
Dapplejip: You will put your pen to this paper we have prepared, in which you promise to pursue the Great Quest with all your powers.
Ploobfit: Yes, yes! I'll sign!
First Inquisitor: And we will plainly need proof of your probity.
Second Inquisitor: You must proceed to procure another Holy Planet as soon as possible!
Ploobfit: But...
Dapplejip: Or the punishments will be performed with punctiliousness and promptitude.
Ploobfit: Yes, yes! I promise to do it!
Dapplejip: Very well, untie the prisoner. Your Holiness, the blessings of the Great Pi upon you!
The High Priest performed an elaborate bow before the Archprophet and swept out of the room. The two priests quickly untied their charge, who was now shaking like a leaf. They then bowed in their turn and followed the High Priest out the door.
Archprophet Ploobfit sat for a long time thinking and calming his nerves. Whatever was he going to do? Would it ever be possible for the Puffheads to win another war against the Unjust Axis? It seemed improbable, but clearly he had to try.
Another memo was drawn up to the Minister of Finance, pointing out that there had been a small misunderstanding. In fact, rather than stopping the expansion of the Navy, the resources of the treasury were to be poured into creating a Fleet of unprecedented proportions. Other memos instructed the techno-priests of the Great Temple to concentrate on advances in weaponry above all else, and orders were sent to the Survey Fleet to focus on gleaning all the data that could be found amid the debris of the Pirak War.
By 2337 Archprophet Ploobfit's preparations were complete. The Puffhead Navy now comprised 15 battleships, 30 cruisers, 60 destroyers and 120 corvettes. More importantly, its ships had been upgraded with gamma lasers and quantum missiles, advanced shields and durasteel armour. The Archprophet was fervently hoping that the members of the Unjust Axis, who now numbered no less than five, had not kept pace with Puffhead developments, and that he could actually take on the Axis and emerge victorious.
The goal of the war was the Holy Planet of Plock III, which meant taking the systems of Avim and Xani'Nadih from the Dima'Xanians. In addition, the frontier with the Pirak should be pushed closer to Pirokko. Of course, Ploobfit could have tried to take Pirokko itself, but this would have meant having a single system cut off from the rest of Puffhead space by a hostile enemy. Instead, it was proposed to demand two of the three planets in the Dressel system.
The Puffhead Navy was now split into two Fleets of roughly equal size. The 1st Fleet was based in Kiram from where it would attack the Dima'Xanians, while also trying to fend off attacks from the Luvvies, the Kraxroz and the State of Vsem-Klack. The 2nd Fleet, based in Purgatory, would deal as quickly as possible with the Pirak, capture the planets in Dressel, and then head antispinward to help the 1st Fleet.
This time, the Dima'Xanians seemed entirely unsurprised by the Archprophet's declaration of war. They also seemed alarmingly confident of victory. Only time would tell whether their confidence was justified.
The first major action of the war was the historic Battle of Dressel early in 2338, in which the entire Pirak fleet fell upon the Puffhead 2nd Fleet and was cut to pieces by their gamma lasers and quantum missiles. The 2nd Fleet did not lose a single ship. It was at this point that Archprophet Ploobfit dared to hope that victory was actually possible.
The next thing that happened was that a large Kraxroz fleet attacked and destroyed the spaceport of Plograut Plains and then promptly disappeared again. Meanwhile the Puffhead 1st Fleet moved into Xani'Nadih where it was engaged by the Dima'Xanian fleet. The latter was completely destroyed while the Puffheads lost one battleship and nine corvettes.
The war continued in this vein for four more years. The main Luvvy fleet was destroyed later in 2338, and after that tiny Axis fleets tried in vain to halt the tide of Puffhead victory as system after system was subdued in both Pirak and Dima'Xanian territory. The Kraxroz did have a large fleet somewhere but they seemed reluctant to put it into the field. Shortly after the fall of Xania in 2339 it finally turned up and attempted to take on the Puffhead 1st Fleet. It was the most serious challenge so far, but even this fleet was no match for the Puffheads and after suffering some losses it retreated and disappeared once more.
A small Luvvy contingent sneaks into the Yotla system
Meanwhile the Puffhead 1st Fleet prepares to move on to its next conquest
The following year came the last major engagement of the war, the Battle of Wetij, in which the Kraxroz mounted a last stand to try to stop the Puffheads.
But the tricksy Dima'Xanians still had one last surprise in store for the Puffheads. Archprophet Ploobfit stared in horror at the galactic chart mounted on the wall of his office. Yes indeed, Avim was now in Puffhead hands, as was Xani'Nadih. But for some reason the Dima'Xanians still had control of the Holy Planet of Plock!
And what of the Jibru? What part would this awakening terror have in the fulfillment or failure of the Great Quest? Would their actions help or hinder it? And what if the Larongo also woke up from their slumber? Nobody could guess what might happen then.
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I think you might have problems with FEs if you are using quantum missiles. All the FEs have the most advanced fighters and the best point defense. See if you can get some kinetics from debris research.