P is for Portugal

[Farquharson]

Snake IV: What - Sultan Ahmed is hiding a P province in his turban? The Portuguese Intelligence Gathering Service will need to get their snouts into this one!

jwolf: Yes, I can ship troops to Poland via the Baltic, but Russia's ally (currently their only ally thankfully) is Denmark who are slightly ahead of me in naval tech so that route will be troublesome in wartime. However, I have MA through the Ottoman lands now, so access through Transylvania (also my ally incidentally) isn't crucial. As for the Incas, we'll see how long their memory is! And as for Pimsk - well, somehow find Sibir, have a war with them, somehow grab a northerly province off them, then two colony hops and Bob's your uncle - easy eh?

Wolfhound: Only two gods? Hey, we have every religion under the sun in the glorious multicultural Portuguese Empire! (Which is one reason I get so jumpy any time my stability dips below +3...)

Shy Kid: Perhaps plutonium production will presently cause pandemic pirouetting to plague the Portuguese...

Grundius: I see you're assuming Russia's three P provinces can be scooped in a single war. I'd say that's optimistic to say the least!

Fiftypence: Thanks - glad you're enjoying it!

Duke of Wellington: There is of course a slight difference between being allied to the OE when you're behind all of Euroipe in land tech, and being allied to the OE when you lead the world in land tech!

Atomic Lodoss: As jwolf so rightly said, no I can't colonize Pastaza on the basis of MA with the Incas, so I'm afraid I'm obliged to have a small war against the feathered warriors again. As for time, yes, I have to admit I'm getting slightly nervous myself. But that keeps it exciting!

Talkingdonkey: The Portuguese will be fully equipped with pullovers for the invasion of Russia, of course. Aside from that, they will of course be led by Willem den Doode, the Winter Warfare Wonderman!

Major_Rawne: Hmm - all these theories about hairstyles and aliens have got me seriously worried about young King João, who has clearly been taken over big-time!

Ciçatrix: Making up the event explanations is a lot more fun than actually seeing them pop up on the screen!

J.Passepartout: I doubt you'll have a few people reaching for their dictionaries with that suggestion. Alternatively, they could just go here!

Draco Rexus: Cold? Ha! Who's afraid of the cold? Not any members of the fearless Rexus clan, I hope!

And now I'm off to fight a war...

 

[Grundius]

Well, I am an optimist by nature...

 

[J. Passepartout]

John Phillip Sousa is a great man. There is a story that his last name stands for Smith Of United States Army, but actually his ancestors came from Portugal.

 

[Farquharson]

Grundius: I hope you can take the occasional disappointment!

J.Passepartout: All truly great things probably have their origins in Portugal, in fact. Well, either there or in Scotland of course...

One update coming up.

 

[Farquharson]

Chapter 29
Pullover Protection in a Polar Predicament​

General Willem den Doode sat astride his black stallion, Mortimer, surveying with satisfaction the massed ranks of the Portuguese Army assembled in the Ottoman province of Krementjug in readiness for the invasion of Southern Russia. His Royal Highness King João V had travelled in person all the way from Lisbon in order to inspect the troops and give his blessing to the campaign.

King João V of Portugal: Ah, it makes my heart leap to see such a fine array of soldiery!

Willem den Doode: I wish I could say the same, Your Majesty.

King João: What, General - do you doubt the quality of our troops then?

den Doode: Oh, not at all, Your Majesty! It's just that… * he taps his hollow rib cage in embarassment * … no heart, you know.

King João: Ah, of course! Well, you'll give those Russians a good beating, I've no doubt.

den Doode: We will not let you down, Sire!

King João: Excellent, General. And about the provisions for winter, should the war still be in progress when the freezing sub-zero conditions arrive?

den Doode: Every man has been issued with a pullover, Your Majesty! I don't think we'll lose too many men to attrition when they're wearing these!

He pulls a flimsy grey pullover from his saddlepack.

King João, looking dubiously at the insubstantial garment: Er, yes… quite so, General… You don't think some of the men might - well, feel the need for a little more protection from the cold than that?

Standard issue Portuguese Army pullover​

den Doode: Oh I don't think so, Sire. I've tried one of these things on myself, you know. Broke out in a sweat something terrible after only a couple of minutes.

King João: Yes, I see. All the same, General - perhaps a few extra greatcoats in the baggage train wouldn't go amiss. For the warmer-blooded ones among the men, you know?

den Doode: If you say so, Your Majesty. I don't approve of such molly-coddling myself though. Better to be weeded out, those types, Your Majesty.

King João: Well, General, I leave everything in your capable hands. Just get me a P province or two. That's all that matters.

den Doode: You know my motto, Sire - "Victory or Death, or preferably Both!"

King João: Yes, very catchy, den Doode. Now, I'm expecting the messenger back from Copenhagen any day now. Be ready at a moment's notice!

den Doode: Very good, Your Majesty!

For not long before, King João had issued his ultimatum to Denmark to lift their centuries-old trade embargo against Portugal or face the consequences. The consequences for Denmark would not of course be particularly serious. The consequences for their Russian allies were a different matter altogether. The very next day the envoy reached Krementjug and reported that King Christian VI had reacted as expected. It was time for war.

King João summoned his trusty Turkish allies to join him - he had recently sent the Sultan yet another enormous gift to make sure they were on the best of terms - only to receive a message back from Constantinople that the Sultan was not particularly interested in invading Russia at this precise moment. He and his Transylvanian friends were therefore leaving the Portuguese to get on with it and would be re-creating their own alliance shortly. King João was stunned. All those gifts, all those sickeningly insincere compliments. Had the Sultan really seen through his duplicity all along? Well, there were other things to worry about right now. Such as how to overcome the might of Russia single-handed. Well, with help from Candar and Abkhazia, of course…

As it turned out, the Turks were not greatly missed during the war. The truth was that the Russians were woefully ill-equipped and poorly trained. It was almost pitiful to see how easily they could be beaten in battle. Even the Danes, who did little except make a futile attempt to invade Poitou, were no better. As the summer progressed, Ukraina, Poltava, Memel and Kurland came under siege by the Portuguese. In September Poltava fell, and den Doode ordered the army to march on into the province of Belgorod. When some of his staff officers pointed out that winter was fast approaching, den Doode waved aside their objections. "Just make sure the men take their pullovers along!" he cried cheerily.

The celebrated Battle of Poltava, in which a lot of Russians died​

But den Doode was no fool, and during the summer months he had been raising thousands of reinforcements in the grain provinces of Portuguese Poland. These were now marching towards the frontlines, ready to replace any for whom their pullover might be inadequate protection against the Russian winter. And there were many of these. The snow and ice came across the steppes like a wave of death. Everywhere men were dying from frostbite and hypothermia, or just simply slipping away quietly to find somewhere warmer to spend the winter. But the reinforcements came flooding in from the other direction, a countercurrent to stem the tide of icy death. And everywhere den Doode rode to and fro, rallying the troops with his catchy slogan - "Victory or death, or preferably both!"

At last the winter snows receded, and it was seen that the sieges had all remained intact. In March 1731 Ukraina was captured, followed by Kurland in April. But now King João began to worry about his alliance leader Candar, who could end the war at any moment. To prevent all being thrown away for a few paltry ducats, he quickly offered the Russians his own peace treaty. Ukraina and Poltava for peace. Russia's new Empress Anna quickly agreed. Heaving a sigh of relief, the soldiers of the Portuguese Army returned to their nice warm barracks. Of course, Portugal was still at war with Denmark, but, once they had conveniently re-imposed their trade embargo, King João offered them fifty ducats for peace. King Christian accepted with delight, adding that King João could declare war on him again any time if that was how it would turn out.

Now there remained just three P provinces to be conquered in Europe - two still owned by Russia, and Poznan, the third, owned by Poland. In 1731 Brandenburg decided to take advantage of Poland's rather weakened position and complete lack of allies, by bringing the Austrian Alliance into a war against them. Over the next two years the Alliance trampled over Poland and in 1733 a peace treaty was signed giving Moravia to Austria and Silesia to Brandenburg. The Poles were allowed to retain Poznan, however the province was now totally isolated from the rest of Poland.

Meanwhile in South America, Diogo Deus' plans to reach Pastaza were progressing well. Cupica and Bogota were by now both fortified cities and troops had been shipped up the coast from Moquega to be ready for war at a moment's notice. As yet, however, the wise, if technologically rather backward, Incas had given no hint of a reason for Portugal to go to war against them.

As the end of Portugal's truce with Russia drew near, a flood of merchants was sent to Moscow, to see if the Russians would co-operate by issuing a trade embargo. However, the Russians seemed to turn a blind eye to this provocation. King João now realized that he was in a completely useless alliance, with Candar and Abkhazia, and promptly left it, being admitted straight away into the Ottoman Alliance once more. Soon after this, King João received a visit from a distinguished Englishman who introduced himself as Major Rawne, retired.

The highly decorated Major Rawne​

King João: Well, Major, it's always nice to receive visitors - especially those who have something to offer us!

Major Rawne: Ah, that I have Your Majesty. Since I had to retire from the army with a serious leg wound, I've taken up a new career as a foreign drill instructor!

King João: Oh excellent. So you can magically increase my own military expertise, which I confess is not too impressive?

Major Rawne: Ah, no, that would be a military advisor you're thinking of. But I can improve the quality of your troops and make them more offensive in their doctrine.

King João: What, you mean make them Calvinists? I don't think we want that!

Major Rawne: No, Your Majesty, I mean, make them more attack-orientated.

King João: Well, that sounds very useful. OK, you've got the job. Now, about terms and conditions…

Major Rawne: A snip at four hundred ducats, Your Majesty!

King João: WHAT? Four hundred ducats? But that's ridiculous!

Major Rawne: May I ask how large the Portuguese Army is, Your Majesty?

King João, shuffling through some recent reports: Hmm - let me see. Army size… I have that here somewhere. Ah, here we are. 150,000 infantry, 22,000 cavalry and 168 guns.

Major Rawne: With respect, Your Majesty, that's an awful lot of troops for me to drill.

King João: Hmm, yes, I see what you mean. Well, when you put it like that, I suppose four hundred ducats isn't unreasonable. You can start right away.

The King had to take out two loans in order to hire Major Rawne, but he considered it well worth it, knowing that repaying the loans would be no trouble when the time came around. In 1738 stability was back at maximum when some clerics who had been living in a monastery without newspapers for the last few years suddenly discovered that Portugal was again allied with the warriors of Satan, and caused a politiacl crisis. King João decided to ignore this setback, and went ahead with his war plans. He had learned from experience that the only thing that really kept the Portuguese happy was the acquisition of P provinces. Accordingly, large armies were positioned in Prussia and Ukraina, where they waited for the winter snows to recede. Finally in March 1739 the time came, and he declared war on Russia. This time the Ottomans joined in, though all other allies declined the invitation.

The war progressed much as before, with the Russians being beaten easily almost everywhere. Memel, Kurland, Polotsk and Belgorod were all put under siege, with repeated attacks by the Russians being beaten back. However, when winter arrived this time no provinces had yet fallen to the Portuguese. Again, thousands of well-drilled reinforcements were sent to the front, while everywhere men fell, frozen to death in their pullovers. As reports came back from the frontlines and reached the common people, a wave of outrage seized them. What was the King thinking, sending "our boys" to fight in Russia clad so inadequately? Soon King João had been presented with a petition for re-dress. Pullovers were not enough, said the petition, these men needed greatcoats and thermal underwear. But after consultation with General den Doode, King João decided to deny the petition - it would be a sign of molly-coddling and weakness. Such was the depth of feeling that the people of Franche Comté actually came out in open rebellion against the King's heartlessness. But still the war went on.

In February 1740 Kurland was captured, then Polotsk in July. With the fall of Belgorod in October, and the menace of another winter approaching, King João decided to end the war. The Russians were only to eager to hand over Kurland and Polotsk for peace. By the following year the staibility of the Empire was once more restored, in part due to the King's "good government policies" - with hindsight, it was realized that the Ottoman Alliance and these murderous winter wars with Russia were worth it, in view of the P provinces being conquered.

In other news around this time, the people of Valencia had rebelled against their Spanish oppressors, thrown off their shackles and joined the glorious Portuguese Empire. Sensible people, the Valencians. The people of Poznan had also now risen in revolt against their Polish oppressors. King João was now waiting to see if they too would be tempted to join his glorious Empire.

Eastern Europe after the second Russian War - showing Poznan in rebel hands​

 

[Duke of Wellington]

Soon King João had been presented with a petition for re-dress. Pullovers were not enough, said the petition

Great I woke my girlfriend up laughing at this one then I got told off because I'm supposed to be studying, thanks Farq

 

[J. Passepartout]

I would personally have granted that re-dress. Centralisation, mmm...

 

[unmerged(24857)]

Perfect progress!

 

[Major_Rawne]

Hmm, beset by rebels are you?
I think that your majesty has been far too soft upon these dastardly malcontents, you should send in crown soldiers to restore order immediately, before the ringleaders start sporting unreasonably long haircuts (Damn hippies!)
(Did I mention that I offer a very reasonable rate for rebellion subjegations? Only 100 ducats per province.)

Getting the Portugueese Army into shape, I was forced to use these "tough love" methods myself, now can anyone help me get this blood off my crutches?

 

[Fiftypence]

Good luck with the Poznan rebels and well done on beating the Russians

 

[Grundius]

No no no! I can't take disappointment!

 

[Deflare]

Poznan is proposing a political parting with Poland? Perfect! Perhaps Portugal should propose a plan to annex Poznan, for mutual profit?

Gah, this alliteration thing is harder than it looks.

 

[Deus]

Damn Incas, they're too peaceloving. All provocations are in vain. I thought of organising a football match, to upset the local populace into becoming football maniacs, but argh they're not british. It's like trying to provoke the Dalai Lama into a fist-fight.

D. Deus
Captain of the Imperial Army,
"The "P" Corps

 

[unmerged(28944)]

Nice work against the silly Russians, despite the assistance of their best ally, Old Man Winter.

Deus, mayhap sending a few randy young soldiers into a Inca town for a bit of... sport might do the trick, eh?

 

[unmerged(15337)]

I'll bet the people of Poznan defect to Prussia just to spite you. You need another big name enemy, after all.

In the Russian wars, couldn't you get a separate peace with Denmark so that you wouldn't have to worry about your alliance leader making a premature or undesirable peace treaty?

Willem den Doode's slogan probably appeals a lot more to him than to the rank and file troops.

And the petition for re-dress was a real groaner! I think I have you under two death sentences for punning now!

 

[Farquharson]

Duke, jwolf: So sorry about the petition for re-dress - I couldn't help it. I mean, here I was with my men fighting in Russia with nothing but pullovers and the event pops up!

J.Passepartout: But accepting it gives stab -3, right? Yikes! When you have an Empire as huge and disparate as the Portuguese you don't accept -3 stability on a whim!

Wolfhound: My sentiments entirely!

Major_Rawne: Oh no, rebels are no problem. These hyper-well-drilled troops are quite effective these days, so I don't think I'll incur any further expenses if it's OK with you...

Fiftypence: I am very much hoping Poznan will defect to me, though it's true it makes it almost too easy... Anyone know what criteria are used to decide who they go to? If they're Catholic, and I'm the only Catholic nation who owns any neighbouring same-culture provinces (i.e. polish) surely it's pretty certain?

Grundius: OK, I'll just reload and try again to get all the Russian provinces in one go...

Deflare: A pretty promising performance!

Deus: I think I may have to resort to opening up the "Banco dos Incas" and lending the poor chaps lots of money...

Draco Rexus: To be honest, I was pleasantly surprised at how easy the Russian Wars turned out to be. In fact, despite my description of the effects of winter, I wasn't actually losing many men to attrition I don't think. Does high land tech and DP slider at quality reduce the effect, perhaps? Anyway, I'm currently 23 points ahead of the Russians in land tech, so that helps slightly!

jwolf: Actually I see that Silesia is also polish Catholic, but Brandenburg, Prussia and England (the other three neighbouring nations) are all Protestant, so, hey guys, what are you waiting for? As for a separate peace with Denmark I did try several times, but while Russia was still in they refused all offers. Am I right in thinking then that your alliance leader can only do the dirty with their alliance leader?

 

[unmerged(15337)]

There's no rule that only your alliance leader can negotiate with the other side's alliance leader. But you probably have to put some real pressure on the Danes to push them to the peace table -- landing an army on their home turf usually does the trick.

As for the winter attrition, at higher land tech the effects of any terrain attrition are slightly less bad (you get a small improvement with each 6 levels of land tech). Although winter in Russia obviously is nontrivial, some of their provinces actually have a decent supply limit even in winter as long as you don't put in a really large army. And if all you need is to cover the province you can do that almost anywhere without winter attrition -- although then you are vulnerable to counterattacks.

I've seen many claims and counterclaims about whether a province's neighbors have any effect on defection -- for compatible religion, culture, etc -- but I don't know if it matters. I've certainly seen plenty of defections of each type: "natural" cases to a friendly culture or religion; and "alien" defections that really don't make any sense at all. Good luck with Poznan, but quite honestly I hope the Prussians get it. Makes it more exciting!

 

[Ciçatrix]

re-dress. :rofl:
Brilliant update.

 

[Farquharson]

jwolf: All I can say is, unlike Grundius, you won't be disappointed...

Ciçatrix: Well I'm glad somebody actually appreciated the re-dress joke...

Here comes Chapter 30.

 

[Duke of Wellington]

Well I'm glad somebody actually appreciated the re-dress joke.

I liked it, it just got me in trouble