P is for Passau

[Farquharson]

Chief Ragusa: Luckily King Sviatoslav has no shortage of gold these days, so the Scottish chronicler can charge whatever he likes!

Alfred Packer: I'm afraid this particular Marshal was soon replaced - I hope you like the next one as much!

stnylan: Thanks!

And now for the special Christmas edition of "P is for Passau" - Merry Christmas to one and all!

 

[Farquharson]

Chapter 16 (1211-20)

The Pilot Project on the Point of Perfection​

When King Sviatoslav came to the throne of Portugal in 1182 the completion of the Passau Project seemed like a distant dream. Now in 1211 he had been on the throne for nearly 30 years, and only a few stubborn individuals stood between him and the completion of his life's work. Foremost among these stubborn individuals was Kálmán Guthkeled, Duke of Pecs. He was being stubborn simply by still being alive, for as soon as he died his entire Duchy would pass from the Kingdom of Hungary, where it clearly didn't belong, to the Kingdom of Portugal, where it clearly did. Thus far however, Duke Kálmán had had the impudence to go on living. It was a situation that was altogether intolerable, it was a blot on the copybook of all reasonable behaviour, it was…

…oh.​

Well, on second thoughts, perhaps the Duke wasn't such a stubborn individual after all. Perhaps he was actually quite a decent sort. To reward the Duke for the courtesy and consideration he had shown by dying, King Sviatoslav penned a quick letter to his puppet the Pope requesting that the Duke be beatified. How convenient it was to have lackeys in high places.

Thus the Kingdom had just grown by four provinces: Pecs, Bacs, Fejer and Navarra, although only Pecs was at all significant. For example when the King of Hungary took back Fejer and Navarra in 1213, Sviatoslav scarcely batted an eyelid.

The next individual who was standing between King Sviatoslav and the completion of the Project was Dobieslaw von Urslingen, the Count of Poznanskie. Recall that this man's liege the King of Poland was none other than Bolko the Mad, so it was no surprise to find that Count Dobieslaw was getting a little rebellious. Well, actually very rebellious. In fact by September 1212 the Count was no longer rebellious, he was independent. Of course, thought King Sviatoslav, this would just be a transitory phase before he welcomed vassalization into the Kingdom of Portugal with open arms. But no, for some mysterious reason Count Dobieslaw really did seem to want to be independent. Just himself, alone, with his pathetic, impoverished little County and his laughable little 283 man army. Was the man on some kind of hallucinogenic substance or what? It was time to bring him back to the real world.

It took only two months to liberate Poznanskie from the sad, irresponsible clutches of the Count and unite it with the rest of the Alphabetical Diocese where it belonged. Count Dobieslaw retired to a monastery somewhere, where the abbot categorically refused his persistent requests to let him wander the woods collecting mushrooms for the brothers. The County of Poznanskie was granted to King Sviatoslav's daughter Ksenia. She had been married to Marshal Pedro de Chacim, but since his untimely demise in the Welsh War of 1207 she had been footloose and fancy-free. Well not quite, since she had four daughters to look after - now she had a County in the middle of Poland as well.

And now we come to an individual who was seriously getting up King Sviatoslav's nostrils. Koz'ma Rurikovich was the Prince of Pereyaslavl, Pronsk and Ural. Someone with so many Ps in his title was clearly just out to irritate the King of Portugal by his downright insolence. Of course King Sviatoslav didn't want those Prince titles, all he wanted to get his hands on was the County of Pereyaslavl, held by the Prince's vassal Count Voislav. Well, that and the Prince's obscenely large mountain of gold.

However the Prince's army was slightly larger than Count Dobieslaw's had been so Sviatoslav made sure to assemble an army large enough to deal with any eventuality. By September 1216 they were on the borders of Pereyaslavl and war was declared. As per usual, all opposition was crushed in the face of the Portuguese juggernaut, although the Prince did fight valiantly to try to defend his lands. This had the advantage that a hitherto unnoticed minor noble by the name of Stanislav de Melo was able to indulge in a bit of Melo-drama during the Battle of Pereyaslavl and was subsequently promoted to Marshal. He was slightly better at the job than his predecessor, Arelis of Peresechen.

By February 1217 the County of Pereyaslavl was Sviatoslav's, as was the Prince's gold, not to mention Count Voislav's who, as it turned out, had owned an even more obscenely large treasury than his liege. What on earth was going on over in these eastern regions? Whatever it was, it obviously wasn't legal.

And now only one stubborn individual remained who was keeping the Passau Project from being brought to a conclusion. This was King Obizzino of Germany, in whose bloated realm the three remaining P provinces were to be found. In 1212 the Pope had excommunicated him, and King Sviatoslav had hoped that this would encourage many of his vassals to renounce their oaths of allegiance, thus making his task somewhat easier. Alas, however, King Obizzino had had the audacity to keep his realm more or less intact since then and it now looked like Piemonte, Parma and Plauen would have to be taken from him in one final war.

But first King Sviatoslav had another problem to deal with. Having rashly declared himself a Crusader King back in 1206, he had since done absolutely nothing to try to liberate Constantinople from the infidel Emir of Aleppo, nor indeed to liberate anywhere from anyone non-Christian. The Pope was getting rather peeved about this, and Sviatoslav's piety was dropping ever more rapidly. Before taking on King Obizzino, therefore, he decided to deal with the Constantinople issue once and for all. In August 1218 he declared war and by December the great city, the Jewel of the Orient, was in his hands. A month later the Emir handed over more than 7000 gold pieces to be left in peace, which King Sviatoslav rather impiously accepted. His piety was now fairly enormous anyway so he couldn't care less what the Pope thought about this.

The armies that had crushed the Emir did not disband but set sail for Germany, while other armies were mobilized and began converging on Germany as well. It was time for the final showdown. By September 1219 all was in place and the Count of Plauen was the lucky recipient of King Sviatoslav's declaration of war. He seemed to be labouring under the delusion that his pals would be able to help him.

It would be exciting to describe what a desperate and close-run thing the war with Germany was, but alas, it would not actually be true. The King of Germany was already at war with the King of Poland, and now had to face three simultaneous invasions of his territory. King Sviatoslav himself came up from Piombino in Italy to attack Parma, Marshal Stanislav led the invasion of Plauen with regiments from Polotsk, Plock and Pskov, while the Duke of Dauphine advanced towards Piemonte with most of the troops from Provence. King Obizzino didn't really stand a chance. Not that Marshal Stanislav didn't manage to make things sound a little more dramatic than they perhaps were in reality, so we must content ourselves with a look at one of his prolific reports.

To the glorious and most magnificent King Sviatoslav of Portugal, he whose boots a worm such as I am not worthy to even sniff at never mind to lick, from His Majesty's most faithful, loyal and abjectly humble servant, Stanislav de Melo, Marshal of the Realm, greetings.

It is with deep satisfaction that I report to Your Majesty the completion of my mission, to wrest the County of Plauen from the most evil clutches of Count Friedrich von Thüringen, may he rot in hell for all eternity as just repayment for his stubborn and foolish opposition to the irresistible and altogether pious will of King Sviatoslav the Magnificent.

Long and fierce were the struggles that I and my army fought through to reach the Count's castle, and countless brave warriors lie dead on Plauen's fields, may God rest their souls. High and strong were the walls that stood before us when at last we reached it, such that our hearts quailed within us were it not that we drew inspiration from the thought that, though we perish in the taking of this bastion of perfidy, Your Majesty's honour would thus be upheld. Long and bitter was the siege that finally brought the iniquitous Count to his knees in utter and complete submission to Your Majesty's demands. For I am pleased to say that the County of Plauen is now secure within Your Majesty's realm, and I stand here to guard it with my life and the lives of my men from all who would defy Your Majesty's great and glorious reign.

Signed Your Majesty's most faithful servant
Stanislav de Melo

The campaigns to capture Parma and Piemonte were similarly successful, and by May 1220 Parma and Piemonte had also been captured. The County of Parma had ceded his title and handed over his treasury, an incredible 11000 gold pieces.

But still King Obizzino refused to give up Piemonte. Genoa fell to King Sviatoslav's armies, and then Cremona, and finally in August King Obizzino realised it was all over and surrendered Piemonte.

Thus was the last P province of the known world brought into the Diocese of Passau. King Sviatoslav lost no time in drawing up a report to His Holiness Pope Rudolf, detailing the progress of the Pilot Project since its provenance in 1066. He also summoned his Scottish chronicler to write up the entire account, promising him a generous salary based chiefly on how prominent the part of King Sviatoslav appeared to be.

And indeed the King's role was particularly prominent, indeed none who went before him could compare. Truly King Sviatoslav is a great and glorious monarch, deserving of all praise and honour and general boot-licking. His fame and glory have reached to the ends of the earth and none now dare stand against him. All hail the magnificent King Sviatoslav of Portugal!

THE END



King Sviatoslav's chronicler now lives with his wife and two daughters in a luxury villa in Provence.​

 

[unmerged(83622)]

*applause*

Great work Farq, I've enjoyed this all since I started reading it!

 

[Snake IV]

Well done! Now we're eargely awaiting next AAR

 

[Charle_88]

Could we get a view of the whole diocese?

 

[stnylan]

Much applause indeed. WEll done.

 

[Farquharson]

Snugglie: Thanks - I must say I've enjoyed playing CK with a specific goal, although it became rather too easy after a while. The Portugal game in EU2 was more challenging and more fun I think.

Snake IV: Next AAR - hmm. I'm not sure what that will be. I've already launched into a game of EU2 (still my favourite) and interestingly as Tlemcen, a return to North Africa, after my very early and rather inexpertly played game as Tunisia. I have to say I'm doing a bit better, but I don't feel inspired to write an AAR about it. I'm also planning to get Deus Vult soon so perhaps that will provide my next AAR.

Charle_88: A view of the whole diocese? Certainly sir! I'm glad you asked because I did want to do this but I was too lazy to do it off my own bat - but in response to a request, here we go!

The Kingdom of Portugal in 1220
with the Diocese of Passau outlined in red

The capital Porto plus lands held in Iberia, France, Wales and North Africa

The pre-eminent province of Passau, with a patchwork of property in Germany, Italy, Poland and Hungary

Parts of Russia, the Byzantine Empire and the Levant, from Pskov to Petra​

stnylan: Thanks! A few reflections about this game:

Having a specific (if rather wacky) goal certainly improved CK as a game in my opinion - remember, I've never yet managed to sustain interest beyond about 1250. I fully expected that this goal would force me past this barrier, but alas, it turned out not to be! I think it was particularly easy because of the double fluke of picking up the Duchies of Poitou and Provence very early on. It really was pure luck that the right people happened to be wife-less at just the right moment to marry those powerful heiresses. Who knows how much longer the Project might have taken without that initial boost? Of course my extremely lax rules (compared to anonymous4401's stringent approach in his AARgau I mean) also made it a bit too easy. I have to agree with anonymous that a major drawback in CK is that it really is a bit too easy if you play carefully. Anyway, I have high hopes for DV, so hopefully I'll be back AARing CK once I've switched over.

And finally a big big thankyou to all who have read and particularly those who've posted in this AAR. Without that encouragement I would certainly never have completed this or any other AAR.

 

[Deus]

Farq, with gladness and sadness I see this brilliant AAR coming to its end. And what an end it is truly everybody can witness the brilliance of King Sviatoslav of Portugal.

Without such an amazing intellect the project would have taken a century longer.

OK. looking forward to DV, it is somewhat different from CK. Convert ASAP and
please do post an AAR about the trials and tribulations you had with DV.


All the best!

D

 

[Specialist290]

Well done, Farq!

There really isn't much else I can say...

Oh yeah, how was Poland doing there at the end?

 

[FlorisDeVijfde]

Praiseworthy was this project you performed.
Enjoyed it even without me being a CK-player. I'm already looking forward to the next one.

 

[Jestor]

*applauds* Well-done!

 

[unmerged(11366)]

Praiseworthy was this project you performed.

and, perhaps, perfect. Congratulations sir ~ may I suggest you now move on to another letter of the alphabet? ("Q is for Qatar" ... just qidding.) I must admit, I like some other readers don't own CK, and this tale has inspired added curiosity and interest in the game. Odd goal-based games are always the most fun - in that respect this hilarious AAR is sort of like a spiritual nephew of heagarty's old Tale of the Gluttonic Knights.

Which is high praise, and an eager request for more.

 

[Murmurandus]

Purrrrrrrrrrrrrfect!

 

[unmerged(58610)]

Why stop? You still had a couple of Kingdoms to conquer. Allowing an inexplicably Russian King of Portugal to reap all the glory is just ... well ... inexplicable.
You've created another set of characters that will long live in the memory.

 

[Farquharson]

Deus: Do I detect a hint of boot-licking there? Not angling for a bit of King Sviatoslav's gold mountain are we? I'm looking forward to DV - hopefully without too many trials and tribulations...

Specialist290: Sadly Bolko the Mad passed away in 1216 and his son King Pawel ruled extremely competently. In 1220 Poland was doing fine, apart from various bits held by the Alphabetical Diocese of course... To put things in perspective, here's a picture of Central Europe in 1220, showing how everything was reasonably normal, apart from all those little islands of Portuguese pale green of course!

FlorisDeVijde: I can recommend CK if you're at all interested in the characters in a game - in many ways it's what CK is all about, and makes it a great game for writing AARs of course.

Jestor: Thanks!

Hajji Giray I: I agree with you about goal-based games - and AARs for that matter. Here's a wacky idea I had for a CK game for example: create a time-zone realm, which includes all and only the provinces falling within a specific time-zone, e.g. if it were GMT it would be from 7.5 degrees west to 7.5 degrees east of Greenwich, which would be an interesting slice of the map to try and conquer. A challenge for someone wacky!

Murmurandus: Thanks again!

Chief Ragusa: Why stop is because I'm just not a long AAR writer and I lose motivation at the slightest thing - achieving my initial goal for example! Seriously though I wondered about the conversion to Catholic thing (I stated at the start that I "hoped to convert" the whole Diocese to Catholic) but since it's such a random thing in CK it would be a very tedious game. I did play 10 more years and one more province converted (Palermo) but there were still 6 to go so I just gave up. BTW, special thanks and congratulations to YOU Chief Ragusa on being the top poster (apart from me) in this thread. I recently discovered this feature that by clicking on the post count you get a breakdown of the posters - and wasn't surprised to find you up there at the top!

 

[Deus]

Deus: Do I detect a hint of boot-licking there? Not angling for a bit of King Sviatoslav's gold mountain are we? I'm looking forward to DV - hopefully without too many trials and tribulations...

I am Deus, the alpha and omega of all. I giveth and taketh away. even gold.

Well, I was a novice player of CK when I converted to DV so I cannot point out the subtle changes but it has a new cool fuction of friends and enemies, and sending children to other courts for tutelage. So with AAR thoughts in mind these should get a lot of jokes going on.

 

[Alfred Packer]

What the hell? I leave for one lousy week and you think its okay to just shut down and go home? The nerve!

Seriously though, this AAR was really clever, funny and just well done - one of the best I've read. I will miss P is for Passau.

 

[Major_Rawne]

P-provinces perfectly placed in the power of pre-eminent potentate of Portugal!
Well done there, I must admit on 1st reading the start, I wasn't sure it could be done, glad to be proved wrong.