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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

Duke of Wellington

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Specialist290 said:
The Papal predisposition pertaining to places parading the phoneme P is patently peculiar... and possibly presumptous as well.

I will be personally perusing this with particular pleasure :)
Ah the madness is spreading quickly. I wonder if this ought to be nipped in the bud.....
 

Farquharson

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Murmurandus: Now that is most definitely Plagiarism with a capital P...

Jestor: I am actually working my way through your own particular tale of a French girl (or whatever she is - I'm only at page 13 so far). I'll let you know when I've caught up!

General_BT and also Specialist290: Ah! I perceive a couple of promising protégés parading their prowess! :D

stnylan: You know you're playing a pretty poor county when you get excited about a monthly income of 2.38 gold! :eek:

Alfred Packer: Like the best ones, that just seemed to write itself. :D

Charle_88: Yup, it seems there's no escaping it.

Chief Ragusa: I agree that Agnes must have married for love. Which just goes to prove the old saying that love is blind... :p

Duke of Wellington: Well, I hope this AAR will certainly be longer than the last one, and I'm definitely enjoying myself so far!

Kanil: Will there be no limits to the arithmetical exploits of Gerlach, Colossus of Medieval Numeracy??? I could certainly use the extra income!

anonymous4401: Well, I seem to remember your goal was to make a game of CK as difficult as possible, which I am certainly not trying to do! :p And, yikes, how did you know about the capital P thing? Hey - he's reading my mind... :D Oh, and a word of explanation about the Count's accent. When I saw his face (that scowling mouth and all) and saw the speech impediment trait, I could just hear his voice in my head (if you know what I mean...) - and it's a very snobby English accent, so he doesn't actually pronounce the 'r's in words like 'were' and 'before' anyway, but says 'weah' and 'befoh'. I didn't bother to indicate that, but maybe I should have. (OK, now you'll be asking why someone from Passau has a very snobby English accent, to which I have no answer :rolleyes: )

Duke of Wellington: Have no fear, if it isn't nipped in the bud it will probably be pipped at the post... ;)

And all that to say that I don't have an update yet, but I'm certainly spurred on by all these encouraging comments. Just be Patient!
 

unmerged(58610)

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Count Ulric spent his childhood in various courts. He stayedthe longest in England and picked up his frightful accent. Before he became Count he stayed with the Duke of Poitou where he met Agnes and one thing lead to the other - you know what they say about French girls.

Failing that a tutor with an awful accent was the only one they could afford. Passau isn't rolling in loot. I rather like the idea of sending Ulric away so his parents din't have to pay to feed him.
 

J. Passepartout

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I imagine there must be a reason for this marriage to Agnes... He is poor and has a speech impediment, what can compensate for that?
 

Alfred Packer

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J. Passepartout said:
I imagine there must be a reason for this marriage to Agnes... He is poor and has a speech impediment, what can compensate for that?
Huuuge...tracts of land
 

Farquharson

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Chief Ragusa: Interesting theories about the Count's early life. Yes, I think he must have been sent away to a boarding school in England, hence the accent. Probably met Agnes while on a school trip to France.

J.Passepartout: Perhaps Agnes finds the Count's speech impediment quite cute... And being from a stinking rich family she married the poor German Count as an expression of teenage rebellion - simple!

Alfred Packer: Uh... it's the Count who has no money and a speech impediment, and Agnes who has the huge tracts of land. No, it must have been true love.

And the story continues.
 

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Chapter 3 (1081-90)

Promising Prospects for the Passau Project

Last time we left Count Ulric of Passau basking in the glory of a monthly income of 2.38 gold, not to mention having a son who was heir to the Duke of Poitou. His court was still very small, however and Ulric decided to do something about this. When his daughter Uta (remember her?) came of age in 1081, instead of amassing gold and prestige by marrying her off to some ignorant foreigner, he married her to Gerlach, the lustful mathematical genius who was supposed to have been Passau's Diocese Bishop but was actually Ulric's Steward. As planned the happy couple were soon churning out courtiers like there was no tomorrow. However five years and five children later, Gerlach was suffering from burnout and was too stressed to do anything more.


Back in 1080 the Pope had called for a Crusade to liberate Jerusalem from the infidels. Since the Emirate of Jerusalem did not in fact contain any P provinces, Count Ulric had assumed that he was exempt from this operation. However in 1082 King Heinrich of Germany declared war on the Emirate, and one by one his multitudinous vassals did likewise. In 1084, seeing that Ulric was about the only German vassal not at war with Jerusalem, his liege Duke Ernst of Osterreich insisted that he declare war. Ulric complied, but he didn't bother to actually send any soldiers, which nobody seemed to mind about.



The German War Machine marches towards the Holy Land​

Not surprisingly, by 1085 the Emirate of Jerusalem had been completely occupied by Germans and the Kingdom was at peace once more.

Meanwhile young Adolf was getting older. Growing up in Passau, with a name like Adolf, and an ambition to one day rule over large swathes of France, not to mention Poland, Czechoslovakia, Russia, etc, it is hardly surprisingly that he was turning into a mischievous blackguard.





Young Adolf - energetic, vengeful, cruel, and in need of some lebensraum

Then in 1087 Adolf completed his court education and emerged as a Grey Eminence. This was a very promising development for the Passau Project. All that was required now before the Duke of Poitou died and Adolf left home to go and take his place was to find him a suitable wife. By an amazing coincidence, at this very moment the Duke of Provence just happened to have a daughter of marriageable age. In fact, he had no other children. Could he be persuaded to marry his heiress to the future Duke of Poitou? It seemed too much to hope for. However, Adolf, who had by now been made Chancellor, was sent off to Marseille to exercise his considerable diplomatic skills on the Duke and his daughter.


Sometimes it happens that way. You catch a glimpse of a girl across a crowded room. Your eyes meet and you know your life will never be the same again. It was a moment just like that for young Adolf when he first set eyes on Guilheumina, only surviving child of Duke Bertrand de Provence. This was the woman he had come all the way from Passau to ask for in marriage. He took one look at her and thought "Yeeuuchhh!"



Duke Bertrand de Provence: Well, well, it's always nice to have a visitor from distant parts of the Empire to the Duchy of Provence. How can I help you?

Chancellor Adolf of Passau: Er, well, you know, word gets around. We heard that your… er… unique daughter Guilheumina was possibly looking for a suitable husband.

Duke Bertrand: Ah yes, that she is, that she is. And it'll have to be someone pretty special, I can tell you.

Adolf: Ah, right. Well, it so happens that we have the future Duke of Poitou holed up in the County of Passau. He's just come of age himself and would be… er… that is, he might be able to bring himself to… er… he could be persuaded to marry your daughter. I think.

Duke Bertrand: Could be persuaded? To marry an heiress like darling Guilheumina? Gosh he sounds like a pretty picky person. Who is he exactly?

Adolf: Well, he's Count Ulric's eldest son actually. If you remember Agnes d'Aquitaine married the Count.

Duke Bertrand: Ah yes - I could never understand why, but there you go. So what's the fellow's name? What's he like?

Adolf: Ahem, well, his name's Adolf, same as me. And he's, er… well he's about my height, dark straight hair. Ha! A bit like mine actually, come to think of it. Dashing good looks, of course…

Duke Bertrand: So, not so like you there then.

Adolf: Heh, heh, yes, very drole, Duke Bertrand.

Duke Bertrand: Character traits?

Adolf: Oh, yes, one or two of those. He's, well… energetic, and, er… hmm. Well, energetic, that kind of sums him up, really.

Duke Bertrand: Energetic, dashing good looks, and otherwise he's pretty much like you, you say?

Adolf: Well, yes, that's a fair summary I suppose.

Duke Bertrand: And in line for the Duchy of Poitou?

Adolf: Most certainly.

Duke Bertrand: Well, let me think about. I'll let you know.

Adolf: Oh - right. Well, we'll look forward to hearing from you. And please, don't feel any obligation to accept. I mean, incomparable as your daughter is, I'm sure Adolf will be quite content with some other wife, you know.

However, just a few weeks later, the reply came from Marseille:


Adolf's heart sank - as he had feared, his life was never going to be the same again. The couple were married in May 1088. Guilheumina turned out to have mathematical skills that actually rivalled Bishop Gerlach's, so since he was by now suffering from the stress of parenthood, Adolf's new Provençal wife was made Steward of Passau.

Meanwhile, the Pope, delighted with how the last Crusade had gone, now announced that the great city of Alexandria had to be won back for Christendom. Since Alexandria was part of the Fatimid Kingdom, which also included the province of Pelusia, Count Ulric got the uncomfortable feeling that he might be expected to contribute to this endeavour. However King Heinrich did not show any signs of doing anything about this new Crusade so once again Count Ulric decided he was off the hook. This was just as well as the Count was pretty sure he could not afford a major military expedition at this stage. Guilheumina's stewardship skills were helping his coffers, it is true, but when miners in Passau exhausted a silver vein in 1089 the County's economy was definitely struggling.

Adolf and Guilheumina were not making much progress in the heir-producing sphere, either. In fact, it was being questioned in some quarters whether their marriage had even been consummated. Whether Adolf finally plucked up the courage to do the deed, or whether, as some suggested, he actually paid someone to do it for him, it was finally announced in February 1090 that Guilheumina was expecting.


=================================​

Will Guilheumina give birth to a son and future Duke of Poitou and Provence? Will Count Ulric be forced to go to war against the Fatimids to liberate Pelusia from its Muslim oppressors? How long will Adolf have to wait before Guillaume d'Aquitaine pegs out and he gets his mischievous, blackguardly hands on the Duchy of Poitou? Find out all this and more in the next prosaic episode of "P is for Passau"!
 

J. Passepartout

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Some enchanted evening, you will want to vomit... you will want to vomit even in this crowded room, and somehow you know, you must get away from this woman quickly.

I feel the pain of inane cartoons. The shows my tiny relatives watch are awful, not nearly on the level of Bugs Bunny.
 

unmerged(58610)

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Duke of Provence and Poitou with huge tracts of land. You lucky Person. Of course Ulric should sieze his destiny and first P province. Heinrich's bound to notice sooner or later.

I'm sure Adolf will want to take vengeance on the Duke of Provence for forcing Guil -yucccccccch on him.
 

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Young Adolf - energetic, vengeful, cruel, and in need of some lebensraum
:rofl:
 

stnylan

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A very good update. Vintage Farquharson. Side-splitting stuff.
 

Jestor

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:D Poor Adolf. With a wife like that, he really needs all the lebensraum he can get.
 

Specialist290

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A vengeful, cruel and energetic husband and a trusting, cowardly wife. That ought to create a rather interesting family scene...

Meh, at least she has a head for numbers.

Also, Adolf's in-game portrait actually looks eerily similar to Adolf Hitler's (minus the moustache) :eek: In fact, I decided to try something:




:eek:
 

Murmurandus

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Somehow lebensraum should be spelled with a 'P'... :D
 

Farquharson

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J.Passepartout: I've seen a lot uglier-looking brides in CK, but I just thought it would be interesting to have Adolf married for political reasons to a wife he found repulsive. ;)

Chief Ragusa: You're right - we can't possibly let Ulric die without conquering a P province. But where should he look to find an easy prey? As for Adolf, having a son who will take Duke Bertrand's lands out of his family will be vengeance enough - the only trouble is, he has to have the child by Guilheughhhchhhmina... :eek:

Charle_88 & Specialist290: I did think it was quite creepy how many parallels there were between Adolf von Passau and Adolf Hitler - Hitler spent several years of his childhood in Passau, both were appointed as Chancellor, and they seem to have had similar personalities. I also had thought of adding a moustache to Adolf's portrait, but you beat me to it, Specialist - it's classic! :D Gamewise of course Adolf should make a pretty awesome ruler.

stnylan: Glad you enjoyed it!

Jestor: Nothing like a terrible home life to drive a man to world conquest! :D

Murmurandus: Maybe he needs plebensraum - er... room for the plebs??? No that can't be right...

I have now played the next ten years and am working on the next update - maybe tomorrow or Saturday.
 

Farquharson

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Chapter 4 (1091-1100)

Propagation of Pontifical Primacy in Peripheral Places

Would Count Ulric of Passau's son Adolf manage to get a son by his nauseatingly repulsive wife Guilheumina de Provence? That is the question with which we concluded the last episode. As it turned out, in November of 1090, Guilheumina did indeed give birth to a boy, who was named Godafres. To what extent he would resemble his alleged father Adolf, only time would tell. In any case one thing was certain: if all went well, he would one day rule over the Duchies of Poitou and Provence.


However all was not peace and contentment in the court of Passau. Bishop Gerlach had still not produced any more children, and his wife Uta, suspicious of his sudden disinterest in producing more, started accusing him of adultery. When Gerlach protested that he was simply "a little stressed" Uta decided to get even with him. This did not however help her to have any more children.


Then in 1094 disaster struck when little Godafres, heir to the Duchy of Provence, fell ill. The best doctors that the meagre resources of Passau could employ were brought to his bedside, but, since the resources of Passau really were extremely meagre, nothing could be done to save the poor child and he died a few weeks later. Adolf was heartbroken at the loss of his son, but even more troubled at the prospect of having to produce another.


It will have been noted that, since being charged by Pope Alexander II with the creation of the Alphabetical Diocese of Passau back in 1066, Count Ulric had so far not acquired a single new P province to add to the province of Passau. Legend has it that the Count's next move was provoked by a letter he received from an anonymous source in the County of Aargau, questioning whether he was in fact a "real man". The Count showed the letter to his son Adolf, who by now had been made Marshal of Passau.


Count Ulric of Passau: I don't know who the dickens this anonymous witer could be, but I'm wathew iwwitated at his pwesumption in suggesting I'm not a "weal man"!

Adolf von Passau: Well father, perhaps it's time to prove your manly qualities by getting started on these P provinces that are supposed to be part of our Diocese.

Count Ulric: Hmm. Pwaps you're wight Adolf. But where should we begin? That's the pwoblem. Whoever we declare waw on, King Heinwich or Duke Leopold will pwobably either steal our sieges or make peace before we've libewated anywhere.

Adolf: I don't know, father, perhaps if we're quick enough we might manage something. The early bird catches the worm, you know?

Count Ulric: Hmm, yes - an intwesting idea. A sort of "Blitzkwieg", you might call it?

Adolf: Absolutely! What about the Fatimid Kingdom who are unlawfully occupying the province of Pelusia? They seem to be in difficulties fighting off the combined forces of Poland and Bohemia. If we get to Pelusia quickly enough, we might just strike lucky.

Count Ulric: You're wight, Adolf. I'm going to declare war wight away!

Thus in February of 1095 Count Ulric declared war on Sheik Nura of Pelusia. Immediately his liege Duke Leopold of Osterreich, King Heinrich of Germany and half a dozen other German vassals did likewise. The Passau army was mobilized and set off right away for the coast of Egypt.


What came to be known as "Count Ulwic's Blitzkwieg" - the plan was simple…​

Rather ominously, Count Ulric met various other German regiments en route for Egypt as well, but he resolutely continued with his plan. By the end of September the long voyage was nearing its end and, amazingly, the province of Pelusia still seemed to be completely deserted.


The Count and his son Marshal Adolf lost no time in beginning a siege of the ancient fortress of Pelusium. During the next few months several German ships were sighted off the coast but they all seemed to be sailing further east, towards the German territories taken from Jerusalem in the previous crusade. Then one day a messenger arrived from distant France with an important message for Marshal Adolf.


Guillaume VIII d'Aquitaine, by now aged 70, had finally died and young Adolf suddenly had more important things to do than sit in a siege outside the town of Pelusium. He left immediately to take up his new duties, while Count Ulric's second son Manfred took over as Marshal. Two weeks later the province was liberated, just a few days before Duke Leopold arrived with his army, having mercifully taken the long way round.


It was at this point that the Fatimid King managed to muster a large enough army to counterattack, but by now massive German armies were arriving on the scene and the Count's newly-acquired province was never in much danger. Duke Leopold paid the Fatimids 55 gold pieces for peace in April, then in May the Fatimid King paid a strangely similar sum to King Heinrich for peace. Count Ulric paid nobody anything. The Count's "blitzkwieg" had turned out to be an astonishing, if rather lucky, success.

The Count now headed back to Passau and on his arrival there he found a message from Aargau waiting for him, apparently from the same anonymous writer of the previous message. Ulric tore it open to find that it contained only two words. "'Wong order'?" spluttered the Count indignantly. "What does he mean 'Wong order'? The cheeky wascal!"

It was now time to turn back to family matters and the perpetuation of the glorious von Passau dynasty. Manfred was soon married off to a Hungarian wife, Skolasztika Csák who, as well as being deceitful, wise and suspicious, was also a black belt in karate.


Meanwhile Guilheumina, now nicknamed the Dreadful Duchess, had somehow managed to get pregnant once more, but when the baby arrived in May 1096, it turned out to be a girl. Three peaceful years later Guilheumina, now aged 27 had still not borne any more children. Count Ulric paid his eldest son and heir an anxious visit to see what was happening.


Count Ulric: I must say, Adolf, I'm wather disappointed. Why on earth haven't you had any more childwen?

Duke Adolf: I'm really sorry, Dad, but can you honestly blame me? I mean look at her. She's… she's… she's an ogress, Dad!

Count Ulric: She's an heiwess, son - which is a lot mow important! Couldn't you just, you know… have one last twy? It's for the sake of the glowious Passau Pwoject, you know. We must be suw of inhewiting Pwovence, and Duke Bertwand might kick the bucket at any moment.

Duke Adolf: Isn't there some other way, Dad?

Count Ulric: Not that befits a good and upwight family such as ourselves, Adolf. Come on son, just one last twy?

Duke Adolf: OK Dad, I guess I can see where my duty lies. I'll give it one last try…

And so, bravely, heroically, Duke Adolf of Poitou returned once more to the field of battle, and emerged victorious. In January of 1099, the Duchess was found to be expecting for a third time. Nine months later, beyond all hope and all expectation, a little boy was born and given the name Ermengaud. If only he could be kept alive for a few years at least, just until the death of Duke Bertrand, then the lands of Provence would also fall within the clutches of the von Passau family.

=================================​

Will little Ermengaud survive longer than the Duke of Provence? How much longer will Count Ulric live? Is he really a real man, having conquered only one province in 34 years? Who on earth is the anonymous letter writer in Aargau? And why has no-one mentioned Adolf the Bastard for the last twenty years? All will be revealed (or not) in the next pernicious episode of "P is for Passau"!
 
Last edited:

unmerged(59077)

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Somehow I'd expected the wife to be called Eva. But Szkolasztika works too.
 

stnylan

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The things one must for you one's descedent's patrimony ...
 

Charle_88

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Nice blitzkwieg there.