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First Lieutenant
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Mar 15, 2013
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  • Crusader Kings II
  • March of the Eagles
1. Bad Hessen 1st Jan to 7th Aug 1805

Once upon a time there lived a little king in a little kingdom. Lets call this little kingdom Bavaria and the little king Maximilian the Fourth. The little king wanted the world to be a more Bavarian place for people to grow up happy and strong and pay taxes. To wear lederhosen and dirndls, host massive drinking festivals and pay taxes. To devote life to culture and the arts and pay taxes. But mostly to pay taxes, for without taxes how could the little king's family hope to build fabulous fairytale castles?

To help him on his quest the little king had 11 mighty heroes who would lead his 19000 soldiers in their fancy uniforms to make the world more Bavarian for everyone.

The little king looked into his treasure chest and found he had 61 bright shiny gold coins which he could use to buy new fancy uniforms for those men who were bored with lederhosen.
When the men came to the little king he would ask "And what fancy uniform would you like young man?". And they would reply "an infantry mans" or "a jaegers" or "a horse artillerymans" or "an artillerymans" or maybe even "a chevau legers". The little king would reach into his treasure box and give shiny coins to the nice military tailor who would give them the right fancy uniform. And when the little king had no more shiny coins and there were still men left he told them "Don't be sad, you can have the fancy uniforms of the men who stop being soldiers". And they all went away happy to wait for the letter telling them they could come and get their own fancy uniform if only they could wash out the blood.

The little king looked east and west, north and south and everywhere he looked there was not Bavaria! Far, far away in the west there was more Bavaria but there was not Bavaria in between.

The little king went to the land in between and said "you are not Bavaria, that is not right".
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While 4 of the mighty heroes were leading all of the little king's men westward to the not Bavaria between Bavaria, that we shall call Hessen, a big ugly man in a blue uniform appeared. "I am Prussian and not Bavarian" he said "and I would like to move my soldiers in their very boring and not fancy at all uniforms through Bavaria". The little king looked at all the not fancy uniforms and said "why of course Prussian, although you are not Bavarian you can move your soldiers through Bavaria, please try not and break anything though". And the Prussian man smiled and went on his way.
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No sooner had he left the castle than another ugly man arrived in a white uniform, "I am Austrian and not Bavarian" he said "but I like Bavaria and I would like you to feel safe, if you meet any bullies I might come and help you" . "Thank you" said the little king and the Austrian left the castle.
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While all this was happening the mighty hero Bernhard von Deroy led all the little king's fancy uniformed soldiers far into Hessen to a place called Dortmund. At the gates of the city he said "you are not Bavarian and I will stay here until you are!". While he sat outside and waited the nasty Hessen men who had moved into Far Away Bavaria and sat outside a mighty Bavarian fortress called Wesel, moved back to Dortmund.
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And the little king sent letters to men "dear sir, your fancy uniform is now ready please bring soap and a stain remover of your choice".

Around this time all the men who had been given fancy uniforms earlier in the year formed up into a big army of 10000 men and said to the king "we have fancy uniforms but we have no might heroes to lead us". And the king was happy and gave them 4 mighty heroes to lead them and sent them west to not Bavarian Hessen to make the town of Kassel Bavarian too.

At Dortmund the people were still not Bavarian and more bad Hessen men had arrived.
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In his castle the little king saw the ugly Prussian coming to see him. "I have made Brunswick Prussia" he said and "soon I will make Sweden Prussia, but I like you little king and if any bullies come and see you I may come and help you". "Thank you" said the little king, as manners cost nothing when you are outnumbered 8 to 1.
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In the west the mighty hero Karl-Philipp von Wrede was greeted by people from Kassel rushing out of the gates of the town. "You were right, we want to be Bavarian" they all cried happily.
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Von Wrede was so happy he marched south to tell his friend Bernhard the good news, but just as he arrived the gate of the town opened. "We want to be Bavarian, we were so wrong in being not Bavarian" all the people shouted as they rushed to put on lederhosen and dirndls.
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At this the evil king of Hessen said to the little king "Ok, lets call this a draw". As they were talking a man in a blue uniform and wearing his hat wrong on his head arrived in the castle. "I am French and I am here to tell you that I will stop any bullies that try to annoy my friend Hessen" he said in his silly accent. The little king looked at him in horror "you must be mistaken Mr French man, there is no Hessen there is only Bavaria".
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"Oh, jim excooz" he said in his funny accent and left looking embarrassed.

The little king smiled to himself and looked at his wonderful new map. "It looks like a butterfly, or maybe a bat, or it could be a bear kissing a kangaroo. But it is not," he thought to himself "it is Bavaria".
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You are a March of the Eagles AAR writing machine! Keep up the great work!
 
Thanks for the support chaps :)


2. Three Little Pigs or 2 Little Pigs and a Very Large One 8th August 1805 to 5th February 1806


The little king looked at his wonderful new map and he was sad, the south of new Bavaria was all bumpy when it should be straight.
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Karl-Philipp moved and stood his fancy uniformed soldiers outside of not Bavarian Nassau "look at out fancy uniforms, if you were Bavarian you could have one too".

Bernhard took his fancy uniformed soldiers across the river to speak to the Nassau people there about being Bavarian or at the very least stop being Nassaun, Nassean, Nassauers, not Bavarian.
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The little king was so happy that he built a special shop in Wurzburg so everyone could have cake to celebrate being Bavarian.

Karl-Philipp and Bernhard met up outside Nassau and decided if the people would not come out and be Bavarian they would go in and make them.
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And everyone agreed being Bavarian was better.
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At the little king's castle the French man with the funny way of wearing his hat arrived "I would like to move my soldiers through Bavaria as it is so nice" he said. The little king thought "it is nice to have manners when you are outnumbered 8 to 1, how much more manners I should have outnumbered 15 to 1?". "Of course my very dear friend Mr Frenchman, move your soldiers through beautiful Bavaria, if you should break something don't worry I will have someone clear it up for you". And the funny French man left smiling.
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It was the new year and new years are for new things, the little king told his fancy uniformed soldiers to fire in volleys as it was new and good.

The little king looked to the south and saw the people of Wurtemburg and Baden were sad as they were not Bavarian, he said to the sad not Bavarian Wurtemburgers "please let my fancy uniformed soldiers march through your country and make the unhappy Baden people happy Bavarians". The Wurtemburgers said "Ok little king, but remember if you break anything our friends Austria and Prussia will want to talk to you".

So the little king marched his men and told the unhappy people of Baden, "cheer up you will be happy Bavarians soon" but the evil king of Baden said "My friend Austria will hear about this". The little king thought and thought and said "Austria is my friend too and is far far away fighting with Ottomania"
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But the evil king shouted and screamed and had a tantrum and Austria came to the little king and said "No! You must not make unhappy Baden people happy Bavarians"

But although Austria was far far away their little cousin HRE was nearby. So Karl-Philipp had to stop marching to make the people of Freiburg happy to stop HRE from making the people of Bavaria unhappy.
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Then Karl-Philipp had to go to Frankfurt and tell them to stop making Bavarians unhappy too.
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Berhard had been busy too, he was knocking down the walls of Karlsruhe so more people could rush out and become Bavarian.
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Berhard decided that as he had made the people of Karlsruhe happy he should now do the same at Freiburg as Karl-Philipp was away chasing bad HRE all over Bavaria.

On the march south he met some Badeners, Badenese, Baden men, bad men and made them stop being.
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Great start, really enjoy the writing style you're using for this one. Bavaria should make for a very interesting game, good luck!

Thank you. We'll see how long I can keep the style up before either the readers break down or I do :)

3. How the Little King Lost His Castle 6th February 1806 to 10th May 1806

While Bernhard stood outside the walls of Freiburg and politely invited the sad Badeners to become happy Bavarians, brave bold Karl-Philipp chased HRE back and forth and back again.
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Occasionally he would meet some Badeners and convince them that being Badenese was bad and wrong.
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No matter where Karl-Philipp looked sad people were all around.
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The ugly man from Austria, although still fighting against Ottomania, decided that the little king was making too many people happy and this had to stop!
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Across into Bavaria came hordes of terribly boring not fancy at all white uniformed soldiers, they had thought to make the people sad but brave Karl-Philipp had other ideas.
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Then Karl-Philipp had an even better idea, to celebrate the success in stopping the ugly not fancy Austrians he should take all his fancy uniformed soldiers to Wurzburg as the cake shop was very nearly done.
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He had not moved his fancy uniformed soldiers far when the ugly Austrians approached once again, "we can't stay and talk" he shouted "there is a cake waiting for us".
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No sooner had he mentioned cake than more ugly Austrians appeared and pressed behind his fancy uniformed soldiers "perhaps if I had told them we were going for a bath they would not follow so closely" he thought.
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The little king looked at his pocket watch, "I must rush to Wurzburg" he said, "I'm nearly late to open my cake shop" and in his hurry he ran down the stairs and out of the castle and forgot to lock the door!
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4. How the Little King Got His Castle Back 11th May to 17th August 1806

As the little king rushed to Wurzburg to open his new cake shop the Austrians followed behind bringing sadness and gobbling up everything they saw!
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There were masses of people desperate for some Bavarian cake, so many that Karl-Philipp had to turn some away before they joined the long queue.
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As the Wurzburg shop was such a roaring success two more were planned for Dortmund and Kassel. Cake for everyone!

The ugly Austrian forced his way through the crowd at Wurzburg "we cannot allow people to be happy, there must be less happy Bavarians"
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"No, no" cried the little king "Bavarian happiness for all".

Happy Bavarians agreed with the little king.
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The little king's desire for happiness surprised and confused the ugly Austrian and he hurried home with all his drab uniformed soldiers to think about things.
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Far to the east the Ottomanians were making sad ugly Austrians less ugly and sad by the thousand!

Karl-Philip began to clear up the mess the ugly Austrians had left behind.
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Moving to where the ugly Austrians had made more of a mess Karl-Philipp made them feel very sorry.
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The ugly Austrian appeared again "There must be less happy Bavarians"
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Once again the little king replied "Bavarian happiness for all". And the ugly Austrian slunk back to unhappy Austria.

Bernhard had not been idle, all the fancy uniformed soldiers with him arrived at the little king's castle "look at the terrible mess" they all cried and started cleaning up.
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Meanwhile Karl-Philip took his fancy uniformed soldiers into unhappy Passau. "We were happy Bavarians and the Austrians have made us sad" said the people. The ugly uniformed Austrian soldiers closed the gates of the town "you shall stay unhappy Austrians like us". Karl-Phillip marched his soldiers to the walls of the town "I shall huff and I'll puff until you let my people go!" he cried (possibly mixing up his fairytales a little).
 
and the oh so happy Italians with the not so fancy but colorfull uniforms provided pizza to make the happy Bavarians even more happy in their fancy uniforms ;)
 
5. How the HRE Lost it's Bite 18th August 1806 to 24th May 1807

Moved by the cries of the ex-Bavarians now Austrians Karl-Philipp rushed the gates and let the people flood out "welcome home" said the fancy uniformed soldiers.
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Soon, after a long march Karl-Philipp, was back stopping HRE upsetting the happy people of Bavaria.
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As it was nearly new year the little king had another new idea for his fancy uniformed soldiers, they were all to try Platoon Fire.

Bernhard was busy once again knocking through the walls of Augsburg and making more people happy there too.

No sooner had he done that than he had to rush across Bavaria and chase away more ugly Austrians.
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Back at his castle the little king was visited by the ugly Prussian "we don't want to march through Bavaria anymore" he said. "That's good" said the little king " I don't really want you to either".
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Karl-Philipp had been busy, once again protecting the people of Bavaria by stopping HRE coming to bully and annoy them.
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In fact Karl-Philipp had been so busy he sent half his men to Nurnburg for a nice rest.
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But soon enough Karl-Philipp missed his men and joined them on their holiday.
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Karl-Philipp felt a bit ashamed as his men had made quite a mess but HRE didn't seem to be around to apologise to!
 
7. Ugly Prussians 24th March 1808 to 25th July 1808

Berhard found that though the Prussians were not the brightest tools in the shed they were very stubborn.
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But as the Prussian finally seemed to be bored with stopping the good work Bernhard was doing he turned back to his original task.
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And for the second time Ulm was happy and Bavarian.
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Poor Berhard and his fancy uniformed soldiers, making people happy Bavarians is tiring work! Rushing backwards and forwards....
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here and there....
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hither and yon.
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But just as things seem to be getting better the Saxons suddenly appeared.
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Bernhard had to deal with more stubborn Prussians who just didn't know when to give up!
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But soon enough the ransacking of the cake shop had to be addressed.
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The Saxon squatters were ejected and order and happiness restored.
 
Naaah, I think the Bavarians need a new flag to add to their fancy uniforms
 
Perhaps a cake superimposed on the existing one with the motto "or death" beneath it? Or maybe just a big :)
yeah, a pink cake on a blue flag and that or death is a good idea
 
I'l have the chicken then please

On a lighter note: Hilarious AAR very good +10 Internets for you good sir
 
Thank you for the kind comments and flag suggetions. I did try and make one but had you had it as your national flag you'd have picked the chicken too :)

And now without further ado and apologies to the Wizard of Oz........

8. France and Prussia and Austria, Oh My! 26th July 1808 to 26th May 1809

The stubborn Prussians continued to annoy Bernhard by popping out from Ansbach and making a nuisance of themselves.
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Sometimes they didn't even have the decency to go back inside.
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In fact Bernhard was getting so annoyed with the stubborn Prussians that he called on his good friend Georg August zu Ysenburg to take half his fancy uniformed soldiers and make Bavarians out of everyone in Stuttgart while he tried to stop Prussian popping.

Back in the castle the French man with the funny accent and the strange way of wearing his hat arrived. "We have decided to give Naples to Britain" he said "and in celebration of this momentous occasion, we are going to take parts of Prussia and call them Naples and hopefully no one will notice". With that he left to march his vast army of French soldiers into Prussia in the dead of winter, perhaps for practice.

But the little king had other things on his mind, in fact although it was only early November he had another idea to try out. Divisional Structure would look marvellous on parades with all his fancy uniformed soldiers.

In fact so marvellous did the fancy uniformed soldiers look in their structured divisions of fancy uniforms that the Prussians in Ansbach all rushed out to ask to join.
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"I'm so sorry" said Bernhard "but no matter how fancy the unform we would let you wear you'd still be too ugly to be proper Bavarians". Which did not go down well at all!
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At Stuttgart the people had heard what Bernhard had said and sent out all the prettiest people to show that they could be Bavarian.
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Bernhard was still running around chasing ugly Prussians all over the place.
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In his castle the little king was greeted by a terrible vision, the ugly Prussian was weeping all over the place mumbling something about French bears and how he was so ugly he didn't have any friends. "I'll be your friend again" said the little king "just you sign this nice piece of paper and we'll be as friendly as friends can be". Through his sniffling and mumbling the ugly Prussian signed and went away happier for it, for he had restored his friendship with the little king.
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The clink clink clink of Prussian gold coins made the little king very happy indeed, but being a generous sort he did not keep it all for himself. He built new cake shops in Ulm and Pilsen and had builders and decorators and gardeners work all around Munchen to make it the best it could be.

No sooner had the builders and gardeners and decorators left with their plans than the funny French man appeared again. "We no longer need the access you gave us through Bavaria" he said. "Very well" said the little king "but won't that mean all your soldiers are stuck in Prussia, sorry new Naples?". The funny French man just gave a shrug, and being French it was a very good shrug indeed, and left.

The little king turned and looked out the window of his castle, so many happy Bavarians all around. The little king was so happy that he declared a national holiday and gave everyone, except the builders and decorators and gardeners, 6 months off.

But as everyone knows when you come back from holiday hard work is waiting and so it was now. Everyone around was squabbling, the ugly Prussian had made friends with the ugly Austrian and were both arguing together with the funny French man. The Ottomanians and the Austrians were still quarreling too.

"I shall need to do something about this" thought the little king.
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The little king had learnt his lesson and decided to pay a visit on HRE before they paid a visit on him!
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9. Three Golden Keys 27th May 1809 to 13th December 1809

No sooner had the little king decided to visit Austria's cousin HRE than the Ottomanians appeared asking for permission to travel through Bavaria. Ever polite the little king agreed, but really what were the chances the Austrians would let them walk all the way through Austria to visit?

The biggest worry for the little king was that Austria would march through Bavaria to visit HRE!

With that in mind Georg put a notice on the door of Nurnberg "No Austrians".
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Marching his fancy uniformed soldiers around Georg was at a loss what to do next, Bernhard was at Frankfurt knocking on the door there asking to visit and the French man was making a mess of all the parts of Austria that were nearby. He decided to march south and see what he could find to occupy his time.
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Poor Bernhard had had to wait an awfully long time knocking at the doors of Frankfurt, so long in fact that he got bored and made a hole in the wall to go inside instead!
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But once inside he found it all very boring and he marched away to find something more interesting to do.
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But as always when you are a little bored and at a loose end nothing seems to lift the mood and poor Bernhard was just so restless!
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Georg had found himself wandering along the border, spying occasional nuns on mountain tops and groups of child singers. "What strange people these Austrians are" he thought and resolved to find out more.
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Meanwhile back in the castle in celebration of all the building work being done and becasue it was nearly new year too, the little king had another idea. "Army Corps" he said and everyone agreed, because it's good to be polite to kings even if you haven't a clue what they are talking about.

Georg had set himself on another mission, if the Ottomanians wanted to visit Bavaria he would help them! If Bavaria was connected to Ottomania then no-one would need to ask the Austrians about anything.
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His job was made all the easier because Ottomania didn't seem to be as far away as everyone thought.
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But sometimes even the best plans have unexpected consequences and the ugly Austrian turned up in the little king's castle. "We do not want the Ottomanian's visting you and we will give you presents if you stop making Bavaria and Ottomania meet". "What sort of presents?" asked the little king. "Three golden keys" replied the ugly Austrian.
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And with that the little king sent Georg a letter telling him to come home.
 
10. Beaches and Cake 14th December 1809 to 11th October 1812

Sometimes it's bad to have too much of what we want and what we like, so it was with the little king. With shops springing up all over Bavaria, you didn't have to walk very far before you could eat cake. In fact so much cake was being eaten that the fancy uniforms were starting to look rather stretched and strained.

The little king made a decision, a good stiff walk would be just the thing to make those uniforms look fancy and fitting once again!
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Up through Saxony and on to the coast for a walk along the beach with a nice stiff Baltic breeze to get some air into the lungs.

But some people can't see you do something without copying it and so it was here, no sooner had the soldiers set off than a very blond and blue eyed man appeared in the little king's castle. "I am from Sweden" he said, "and those beaches or for us to walk on" and without another word he turned to leave, however he was only half way to the door when it opened and the ugly Austrian entered. "I represent the new Austrian Society for the Protection of Prussia's Coastline" he said, "and if you read our rules it clearly says 'No Swedes'". "Also I would like to move my Austrian soldiers through Bavaria as the French man won't let me move them through Austria" he added.

The little king thought for a minute before refusing, his throne room was already getting untidy with just the ugly Austrian and the very blond Swede. So untidy that he couldn't even get a message to Bernhard to move quicker or the beaches would be swarming with Swedes or Austrians or Frenchmen, but probably not with Prussians.

In fact both Bernhard and Georg had eaten so much cake that they hadn't gotten very far at all before they had to stop for a rest!
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Fortunately after their rests they were able to walk a bit further before they had to stop again. Bernhard made it all the way to Stettin on the coast but Georg had clearly been eating far more cake and only got as far as Magdeburg before he had to stop again.

Back in the castle the little king was happy to see his friend the ugly Prussian appear. "I have been having a lovely time reading my history books" said the little king. "Did you know that Beyreuth means clearing of the Bavarians?" he asked the ugly Prussian, "perhaps we can work something out".
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With all the gold coins overflowing from his treasure chest the little king decided that since the builders had made such a great job around Munchen he would have them in again. They picked up their tools and headed to Pilsen to start the job.

The little king was now a little depressed king, he had so wanted to go to the seaside and now Prussian beaches were overrun with French men and Swedes. He asked the funny French man if he could travel through France to visit the beach, but he said "Non".

In fact the little king was so depressed that it was January before he realised! He had missed the traditional idea time, hurredly he advised his court about Satellite Nations as someone had told him that if you held one up to your ear you could hear the sea!

So obsessed with visiting the beach was the little king that a whole year went by! Once again he was so absorbed that it was February before he realised and issued the royal idea of Squares, lots of fancy uniformed soldiers in perfect formation would look wonderful on parade.

The little king turned his thoughts to the beach and decided this time he would not be put off, at least the French men had left the beaches and the very blond Swede was nowhere to be seen either.
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As before the walk was to be up Saxony and onto the beach.

Georg and Bernhard marched side by side with their new friend Clemens von Raglovich before they all had to stop together.
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Georg was the first to set off again but where was he to go? What had been Prussia was now disctinctly French looking or at the very least New Neopolitan!
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Bernhard was the next to set off, leaving Clemens still resting behind.
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All Clemens soldiers had eaten far too much cake before squeezing into their fancy uniforms, but eventually they too were back on the road to the seaside.
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Bernhard had moved further up Saxony but again had had to stop, maybe his fancy uniformed soldier were still a little too full of cake!
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11. Lots and Lots of Letters 12th October 1812 to 12th May 1815

Now Bernhard was at a loss, should he go east or west to reach the beach? New Naples was right at the top of Saxony and the French man still would not let the fancy uniformed happy Bavarians through. Perhaps he thought that he would lose New Naples too?

Bernhard decided to go east. But the extra distance he had to travel had made him very tired again and once more he had to stop.
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In fact it appeared that every time Bernhard marched even a little he would have to stop for a while just to recover!
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Back at the little king's castle the ugly Prussian appeared. Through tears he asked the little king to stop trying to reach the seaside through Prussia. The little king thought for a moment "I really do want to go to the seaside" he said, "but I suppose if I had something else to do....".
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Once the little king was alone he opened up his map and looked at Bavaria and all his new friends. "It looks like a goblin riding a baby elephant now" he thought.
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He put the map away and looked at his treasure chest overflowing with shiny gold coins. The builders had made such a good job in Munchen and Pilsen that he gave them handfuls of the coins and sent them off to Passau to make it more Bavarian.

It was now March and the little king was way behind in kingness, he was a whole 3 months late with the new royal idea. He thought to himself about boats and the seaside and had lots of ideas about those but without being at the coast he knew there was no point in them. Instead he decreed, as kings do, Preliminary Bombardment and everyone agreed that was a much better idea than anything about boats.

The little king was now at a loss, the Prussians had not wanted him to reach the beach, the Austrians hardly had any beach left after the Ottomanians and French man had been to visit. And anywhere else with a good beach was on the other side of French land. Once again the little king asked the French man if he could take his fancy uniformed soldiers across France to the sea, but once again the answer was "non".

Fortunately there were other things to do and little king turned to those.

The treasure chest was overflowing with shiny gold coins and not being able to hold on to them the little king called the builders and even though they had not finished in Passau, he asked them to start on Wurzburg too.

But then, as it always did, the little king's mind turned again to the seaside and he wrote letter after letter to the French man asking to be let through to go to the beach. In fact so caught up in letter writing that a whole year and more passed before he realised!

Another idea was expected! The little king announced that there would be Artillery School and everyone was a little disappointed because everyone loves beer and cake, but not so many people like school!

It was mid way through April the next year when the little king received an unexpected letter at his castle. "Monsewer" it read "I have decided that, if only to stop you writing every day, I will be happy for you to pass across France".
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The little king was most surprised, but set about organising the trip immediately.
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Not only was the little king surprised but so were Bernhard and Georg and Clemens.
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But there were even more surprises in store.

No sooner had the packing begun but the ugly Prussian turned up again, "When I asked you not to visit Prussia's beaches I meant Oldenburg's too" he said "I shall ask my mighty Prussian armies to stop you".
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"Oh really?" said the little king.

While Georg and Clemens headed for the beach poor Bernhard marched back up Saxony, where he had been many times before, and politely asked the Prussians to leave so he could go to the beach too.
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So much time had passed that the little king had had another idea "Mobile Artillery" he said and no-one had the heart to tell him that the big wheels on the cannons already meant that it was pretty mobile already.

Up near the coast Georg was having a hard time, cart loads and cart loads of cake had been left lying around and now his fancy uniformed soldiers were so full there was no telling when they would be able to walk to the beach even though it was so very close!
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