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iain_a_wilson

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Nemo Me Impune Lacessit - an Argyle AAR (1066-1920)

Hi guys,

I've pretty much fallen in love with CK, and I'm intending to play a game through from 1066-1920 using the various conversion engines (yeah, yeah... I know, we've heard it before). To be honest, I didn't start this with the intention of doing an AAR, but I've ended up doing so well (ok, I'm doing well for me ;)) that I thought I'd share it with y'all. This first update is fairly length, so bear with me, ok?



1066-1116 - The Reign of Duke MaeIsnechtan Loarn

In the grand, aristocratic scheme of things, being Duke of Argyle isn't really the glamour job that young noblemen dream of. For a start, there's the rain. And the snow. Lots of it. Far aside from the effects that the weather had on the local economy (which weren't good) the effects on the local PEOPLE were even worse. The Highlanders' reputation for being taciturn and perpetually miserable had a lot to do with the environment. After all, how easy do you imagine it would be to be happy and optimistic when the most you have to look forward to every day was labouring in a field that was so littered with rock and slate that it might as well be called a quarry, in the middle of a force ten gale, whilst hailstones the size of small boulders crashed off your back and ice cold rain tried its hardest to strip the skin from your face?



Argyle in August

Ruling over a bunch of miserable burghers would have been bearable enough for the young Duke (as he was a bit of a miserable burgher himself) were it not for one thing - like all young men he craved nothing less than the company of (preferably) scantily clad, lustful young wenches who desired to fulfill his every desire. Usually, Dukes had no shortage of said women throwing themselves at them (all eager to be the new duchess, no doubt) but in a Duchy where the weather varied between bloody freezing and sub-polar, the chances of finding anyone, let alone a lustful young wench, going around scantily clad was less than zero.



A fine example of the fair womenfolk of the Highlands

MaeIsnechtan Loarn was not a happy young Duke. He resigned himself to ecking out his years in this miserable backwater, pining for scantily clad bee-hatches and slowly going blind.

Fast forward through two years of melancholia (and nothing really exciting, to be honest) to 1068 when the Duke receives some sad news. His uncle, the Duke of Angus, had died. However, the Duke was to inherit his title. Reasoning that the climate in Angus couldn't be any worse than in Sutherland, MaeIsnechtan headed south to check it out. Imagine his utter delight to find a pretty, lustful (and sceptical) young wench by the name of Ada MacDonald. Ignoring the fact that she was brought up in a monastery (and reasoning that all those years of piety probably meant that she was a dirty little minx at heart) MaeIsnechtan married her on the spot and immediatly set about the business of producing an heir. This "business" seemed to occupy a lot of the Duke's time - in the space of just over four years he had four kids. Then, a chance encounter with another pretty wench, saw him steel his nerves and refuse to give into temptation, instead becoming as pure and chaste as you like. His clergy thought this was great, but rumour had it that Ada, by then the size of an elephant, could often be seen trying to tempt young knights back to her bedchamber for "martial instruction".

Anyway, following the birth of his first son, Neil (the couple had decided that they both had slightly wierd names and would go for something a bit more normal), the Duke got rather drunk, and woke up the next day on a ship heading south. Through his bleary eyes (and a raging hang over) he asked his Marshall (who was standing near him, full armed and armoured) where they were going, and why his entire host was also on the boat. The Marshall, somewhat concerned, asked the Duke if he rememberd the fact that he had declared war on the Ducky of Ulster the night before, citing some loose claim to the title. Sadly he couldn't remember any of this but, resolving to make the best of a bad situation, he decided to go ahead anyway. After all, the din of battle surely couldn't be any worse than the pounding in his head.

Fast forward a few years and a few more drunken (and some not so) declerations of of war, and MaeIsnechtan Loarn, Duke of Argyle, was now MaeIsnechtan Loarn, King of Ireland, Duke of Argyle and Duke of the Western Isles.



The duke gives the Irish whatfor

Naturally, he parcelled out some land to his loyal and dutiful followers (or rather, parcelled out the land so that they would remain loyal and dutiful) and settled down to what he hoped would be a few quiet years of relaxation. It was nice and warm here in Meath (well, compared to the Highlands anyway!) and he was going to make the most of it.



Meath in August

Sadly, this was not to be. A few years later, the overly hostile Duke of Gwynedd declared war and made clear his intention to invade Ireland. Sighing to himself, King MaeIsnechtan Loarn assembled his host (and to his delight, all of his vassals answered) and set off for Wales. A few short battles later (what was the Duke of Gwynedd thinking?) and the King now had the Duke's lands, complete with the counts of Perfeddwlad and Powys and the Duke of Dehubarth swearing allegience to him. MaeIsnechtan had never been that good with words, and the names of these new places were more than a mouthful for him, so he decided to make things easy for himself and call himself the King of Wales.



Welsh military discipline

Everything was looking peachy, until the King of Scotland, Malcom Dunkeld, decided to try and claim the King's Scottish holdings for himself. Not happy with this, MaeIsnechtan got the lads together again (with only the treacherous count of the Isle of Man refusing to mobilse - he'd watch that one) and set sail for Scotland to administer a few beatings. This went surprisingly smoothly, and King Malcom himself died on the field of battle. Eventually, with enough land under his sway, MaeIsnechtan declared himself king of the Scots. However, in a gesture of good will he allowed Malcolm Dunkeld (the late King's son) to remain as Duke of Fife. This seemed to pretty much cement the peace and everyone put their swords down and went back to being friends again.



A fearsome Scots warbeast

Towards the end of the 11th century the Pope decided that enough was enough, and that there should be a crusade. Although he dearly wanted to take part in the fun and games that such an event doubtlessly brought with it, King MaeIsnechtan (or "king cubed" as some witty scholars had dubbed him - MaeIsnechtan couldn't stand geek humour) didn't think that he was up to taking on the advanced Muslim kingdoms of the Iberian peninsula. This state of affairs was generally getting him down (after all, you want to be seen to be doing your bit against the heathens, don't you?) until some bright spark pointed out to him that there were a load of pagan tribes wandering around in Eastern Europe who lived in poorly defended towns, were armed with dried grass and sharp sticks, and were probably going to be less of a challenge than the Welsh were. Smiling broadly, the King sent out messages to his vassals to mobilise. Shortly, a massive Celtic warhost set sail for the east.



You know it!

The campaign was effortless. Tribe after tribe fell to the forces of MaeIsnechtan, and as he advanced through their lands he built mighty castles to defend his new territory (well, that and their high vantage points gave some brilliant views across the Baltic).

Tradegy struck in 1104 when Ada died (rumour has it that it was due to exhaustion - MaeIsnechtan was away crusading for an awful long time and a company of swarth young Knights Templar had taken to hanging around in Meath...). Distraught, MaeIsnechtan immediatly married Elfeda Siward, daughter of Waltheof Siaward the Duke of Northampton.



The King overcomes his grief and proposes to Elfeda

Everything went smoothly, and, in 1115, MaeIsnechtan proclaimed himself King of Lithuania (which, to be honest, surprised him as much as the Lithuanians, as he hadn't known that such a title existed - he was merely having fun plundering their evil pagan lands until someone suggested that he could probably declare himself King of all that he had conquered). Everyone was happy, everyone had parties and their was a lot of merry making.



The King celebrates

At the same time, some cheeky Teutonic Knights decided to set up shop in MaeIsnechtan's reign, but he soon ousted them and took their title which, for some reason, he gave to his wife (NOTE: I was planning on making her countess of somewhere, and had obviously clicked the wrong thing!)

And then MaeIsnechtan died.



The Reign of Neil Loarn - King of Ireland, Wales, Scotland and Lithuania. Duke and Count of many, many places. (1116-1117)

Poor old Neil was a bit rubbish. Almost as soon as he picked up the crown he felt death's chilly hand on his shoulder and he shrugged off his mortal coil. Still, the Pope, seeing the good his family had done in bringing Christianity to the heathen (admitedly via the medium of wanton slaughter) decided to canonise him.



Bringing Christianity to the heathen

Bless.

The Regin of Forueleth Loarn - King of Ireland, Wales, Scotland and Lithuania. Duke and Count of many, many places. (1117-present)

And now history catches up with us. Or rather, this guy. I've posted a wee screen shot to show you all what the world looks like. As soon as I've got any more interesting developments, I'll let you know!

 
Last edited:

Semi-Lobster

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Great AAR! Soon you'll end up converting all the Eastern Pagans to proper Haggis eating Scots. It would be nice you had screenshots though
 

iain_a_wilson

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Semi-Lobster said:
Great AAR! Soon you'll end up converting all the Eastern Pagans to proper Haggis eating Scots. It would be nice you had screenshots though
I'm intending on having more of them as it goes on. As it stands, I was simply playing CK over the past couple of days, doing rather well and thought "I might as well AAR this". As such, I've got no screen captures.

So, I thought I'd entertain you with some silly pictures instead :)
 

iain_a_wilson

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Part 2 (the Revenge)

Forueleth, King of Ireland and all those other places, was not as hale and hearty as the previous Kings had been. In fact, he was pretty darn sickly.



The King was the picture of health

Truth be told, all Forueleth really wanted to do was to eck out his last few years as comfortably as possible in his cold, draughty castle in Meath. If he was really lucky he could have a really big fire going in the hearth all the time, and maybe, just maybe, he'd manage to avoid dying of pneumonia in mid July.

Sadly, this was not to be, for on the 5th of September, 1125, the Count of Zemigalians declared war upon the kingdom of Ireland.

"Who?" ask Forueleth.

"Er...the Zemigalians", said his Chancellor.

"Any idea who they are?"

"Haven't a clue sire - shall I find out?"

"Yes - you'd better."

Forueleth had to wait several days to find out. As he waited, his mind played tricks on him, regarding the identity of the mysterious Zemigalians...



Eek!

Thankfully, as it turned out, Zemiglia was just some silly little province out in the east, which was feeling suicidal enough to attack Forueleth. Putting together a large host, and putting all thoughts about strange flying things in the sky (which his clergy assured him was just a sign of God's favour) Forueleth set out to crush the Zemiglians.

The weather in Zemeglia, on January 27th (the day Forueleth's host arrived) wasn't exactly suited to the King's fragile health.



A bit on the chilly side - did we bring gloves?

The plan, drawn up by the King's Marshal, was simple, yet effective. Bum's rush 'em from three different flanks and then continue to kit what is still moving until it stops doing so. The king gave his approval.




Strategic Genius

Sadly, playing in the snow didn't appear to be the King's thing, and sadly, on the 12th of Feburary 1126 Forueleth, third King of Ireland, Scotland and all those other places, passed away. The Pope, feeling sorry for the poor soul (but learning the valuable lesson to wrap up warm) canonised him. Secretly, the Pope was pretty relieved to hear that the Zemeglians were being dealt with. After all, with a name like that, who knows what they could be up to...



Forueleth flutters into the afterlife

With a renewed sense of "RARRRR!" Gartnait (for he was now King of Irleand Scotland and everywhere else)'s men charged into battle, and by the 15th of March the Zemeglians were beaten.



Score one for the good guys!
 

MichOrion

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This is fun, the pictures are a nice, humorous touch. How did you manage to take poor backward Argyle to Ireland and win?
 

iain_a_wilson

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MichOrion said:
This is fun, the pictures are a nice, humorous touch. How did you manage to take poor backward Argyle to Ireland and win?
Blind luck? I dunno really. I seemed to hit their armies and they fell down. Admitedly, a couple of the Duchies there were beating the crap out of each other when I turned up, so I waited for the dust to settle (almost) and steamed in to pick up the pieces :rofl:
 

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Very enjoyable. If this is your usual writing, we're in for a fun ride. Especially if you do the whole mammoth 854 years. :)

I'll be checking in on this, for sure. One last thing: my Latin is kinda sucky these days, so what does it translate like? I'm guessing it says something like "No-one [does something] to/with/in (?) me with impunity", but as you can see, regretably I'm not able to make sense of the verb. Which kind of defeats the purpose. :p
 

iain_a_wilson

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It means "No-one attacks me with impunity". It's the scottish Royal Motto. Britain has two sets of coats of arms - one that the queen uses in England one that is used in Scotland. "Dieu et mon droit" is the English motto, and "Nemo Me Impune Lacessit" is the Scottish one.

As for my writing style, I'll be trying to keep the tone consistent for the whole AAR. I've got another update to post soon - I decided to take back the Teutonic Order this afternoon ;)

Iain
 

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Glad to hear it! Looking forward to new developments. :)

And don't worry: it hasn't been that long since your last update. I remember having to wait WEEKS for updates with some AARs... <mutters about 'the Good Old Days' till his false teeth and hearing aid fall out>
 

unmerged(33638)

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How do your vassals mind the constant changes in kings, no rebellions brewing????

Love the style, Argyle rules the world :eek:
 

iain_a_wilson

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BBBD said:
How do your vassals mind the constant changes in kings, no rebellions brewing????
You're going to find out in the next installment - "Night of the Bitches"...

BBBD said:
Love the style, Argyle rules the world :eek:
*grins* Thank you. I was going to write something serious, and then I realised that all I had been writing for the last few years had been serious so I went for a more relaxed, ahistorical approach :)
 

iain_a_wilson

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Oh man... I REALLY have to post an update soon... I was playing this on the way home on the train last night, and I ended up becoming King of England. And the way it happened...hehehe...it was just...sheer AI stupidity...

:rofl:

I'll try and post this weekend.
 

iain_a_wilson

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Finally! An Update!

*ahem* Apologies about the delay folks. I was...er...doing stuff. But here, without further ado, we present the continuing adventures of the King of Scotland, Ireland, Wales and lots of other places...



The gentle reader will recall that way back in ages past, King MaeIsnechtan decided to give a good pummeling to a group of Teutonic Knights that had set up shop in his realm. They will also recall that King MaeIsnechtan decided, for some reason, to make his wife Grandmaster of the Teutonic Order (which doesn't seem quite as bizarre when you consider that at the same time he made his pet dog count of Lapland - creeping senility had finally ambushed him).



A woman? Head of the Teutonic Order? Well I never!

Anyway, King Gartnait had decided that his ancestor's stupid mistake was costing the crown dearly. Well, that and that they had seemed to expanded their territory into a tasty part of Northumberland, so if Gartnait WAS to try and correct the "stupid mistake" he could help himself to a nice chunk of Eng-er-land and not have the entirity of the English army to deal with. Genius, huh?



Now class. Can you spot the deliberate mistake?

The plan was swift, and it was cunning. Two large bands of Celtic would descend with bloody murder on their minds in the Teutonic Knight's English and Baltic strongholds, kill everyone there and then point out that Gartnait had a valid claim on the title. It wasn't ground breaking strategy, but it would probably work.




Ok, so I'm sure Rommell would have done better...

Everything was going well, until El Padre in Rome (or, his Holiness the Pope as some people chose to respetfully refer to him) decided to stick his nose in.



Pope Obi Wan I was a mean dude, who was not to be trifled with



This was a dilemma of the highest order, and not one that the King was inclined to rush. However, after sheet minutes of discussion a decision was reached and the King and his council agreed to ignore the message as if it had never appeared, and bitch and moan afterwards should anything come of it.

Thankfully, nothing did.



You said it wee man!

Everything went swimingly. Within a few months both the northumbrian and the somewherecoldthatIcan'tpronounce strongholds of the Teutonic Knights were in Scottish hands. Hurrah! However, the Grand Master seemed disinclined to surrender his title.



Curious... Most curious... Where can they be?

So, the King took a step back, zoomed out, and what did he find?



So they think they're clever...

Undaunted by something as trivial as the North Sea, the King ordered his men to go and devestate whereever it was that the Knights were making their last stand. As they made their way there, something happened that made the King suspect that somebody may have been slipping someone else some bribes...



Corruption at the highest levels if you ask me...

Choosing to ignore the Pope's request once again, the King started questioning his Lithuanian subjects about their beliefs, reasoning that if he were excommunicated he might as well believe in some great bull god that allows its warriors, upon their death, to feast in great halls populated by buxom maidens with the morals of alleycats. Sadly for the King, El Padre was in a good mood, so he found himself having to stick to boring old Catholicism.



I never wanted to go to the happy hunting grounds of unlimited beer and birds anyway...

Finally, just as the King was composing his "All your base are belong to us" letter (the Zemeglian nightmare was still with him) guess what?



Please leave my bestest friend the Grand Master alone

Screaming "I don't want to be part of any religion as corrupt as this, he can go and stick his excommunication us his..." the King had to be calmed by his courtiers who advised him to play the good old "sitting with the fingers in the ears going lalalalala I-can't-hear-you" approach and hope that nothing happened. And, miraculously, nothing did.



Three Phews For The Scottish Empire

So, with the Grandmaster suitably "unmastered" the King sat down and relaxed, handed out a bit of land, and generally chilled.



The King and his compadres relaxing at a Lithuanian fancy dress party

However, treachery was brewing...

Noche De Las Perras

All this while, as the King was out stripping other European monarchs of titles that he only had a tenuous claim to, three of his lackeys were planning treason of the highest order!

The culprits were:



Maldoven Mac Bairead - Duke of Finland and Estonia



Alexander Loarn - Count of Tir Eoghin



Thomas Mar - Duke of Mar

Now, you'll have to excuse the lack of screen shots here - things got a bit panicky. In short, what happened was as follows:

1) El Duce panics, reasons "Well, if the dad's dead the kids won't be at all annoyed and they'll come back into line..." El Duce orders the death of Alexander Loarn (the most rebellious of the three - stinking little count, I could tell he was greedy...) and BOOM. It happens. Successfully too!



2) Unfortunatly, this does nothing other than annoy the remaining Loarns (who are cousins of the King fact fans) who declare war on the King. The King mobilizes his host, and eats them for dinner.

3) The Duke of Finland and Estonia (why did I trust someone with a haircut like THAT?) decides that he wants a piece of it too and declares war. This exercise is a bit tougher, and I only just kick him back into line and get his descendant to swear fealty to me. As he should.

4) The last remaining bee-hatch (as all of my other vassals seemed to think I was great :rofl: ) decides to declare war...on Lapland... Maybe it was the dog thing, but for whatever reason Lapland gets picked on, and comes to El Duce for help. Who kindly obliges, pummels Mar into the deck and hands out his lands and titles to a load of sychophants.

I'm sure that would have been a lot more exciting had I kept some screenshots, but there you go...

Coming next - crusades and other fun (or "HOW MUCH PIETY AM I LOSING???")
 

Stuyvesant

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Whee! Thanks for some great post-lunchtime reading, you lightened up my day considerably! :)
3) The Duke of Finland and Estonia (why did I trust someone with a haircut like THAT?) decides that he wants a piece of it too and declares war.
Ah, the perils of secessionist haircuts... :p
If you always write like this when you're tired, I don't see any harm in it. Great stuff, really funny. Thanks!
 

Henry v. Keiper

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Hey they talked about Pope Obi Wan I on the History Channel, he was a real dickweed. :mad:

You know you're darn lucky with not getting excommunicated. It seems like the Pope has a personal vendetta against me. :(
 

unmerged(2669)

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:D Excellent. 'Stinking little count...', heh. Superb illustrations as well. I'm looking forward to a Scottish world conquest (did I just write that?? :wacko: )somewhere around the middle of the EU2 bit of the AAR...