My tale of woe

[Angrypuffin]

Listen to my tale of woe.

I am a Greek, the daughter of the Duke of Capua. He ascended to the Dukedom, but before he could achieve his full potential, his life was spent in the wars of the Holy Roman Emperor, in whose domain he took refuge against the evils of Islamic conquest.

I was two years old when I became the Duchess of Capua.

Luckily, I had my mother's fine intellect, and quickly apprehended what I could about ruling. We expanded our holdings slowly through Italy. Meanwhile, the emperor was declared excommunicate- the Dragon Kaiser. The Pope, admiring our piety, gave me- me!- a claim on the Holy Roman Empire.

Our first mistake.

When a large portion of Italy revolted against the Empire, still we remained loyal. Our energies were expended towards reclaiming Italy and bringing it back into the Empire. Pisa and Lombardy were reconquered from the traitors.

Our second mistake.

The new emperor was an ambitious man. He despised me as a Greek, and he feared me as a title claimant. Can you fathom the depths of his hatred? I'm not sure.

When the rebels achieved their independence from Italy, his predecessor had received claims on the territory. Now his contempt found an outlet.

One by one, my counties were revoked. Accept revokation of Ancona, or face war? I could not resist. Accept. Piombino? Accept. Pisa? Accept. Lombardy? Accept. Pavia? Accept. Duchy of Pisa? Accept. Duchy of Lombardy? Accept.

With each revokation, so cruel, so confident, my heart sank.

Some of it he kept for himself, and some he gave to his German lackeys. We did not give up our goal of a united Italy- though much of it was now held by the hated Emperor himself. Slowly, we retook parts of the peninsula.

My magnificent chaplain, visiting the Pope- not the same Pope who had given me the claim on the Empire, but a successor- convinced him of my rightness to rule, and he granted me invasion rights to both Scotland and Hungary.

I was still so weak. So I waited. Waited for the day when I could fulfill my destiny.

The day came. I announced my invasion of Scotland. My armies were securing territory slowly and surely, and soon-

What the heck? Lothian became independent from Scotland. The territories I had occupied are now free, and unoccupied, and my warscore is back to 0%? That's irritating. Oh well, must be some subtlety of law that I don't understand yet...

My armies conquered the mysteriously reduced Scotland. What remained was free of any nobility, and I installed Greek Catholic mayors. Things were going well, and I turned my eyes to Hungary. But I had not heard the last of Kaiser Heinrich.

Accept revokation of the kingdom of Scotland?

I was flabbergasted. That devil. He had no claim on this, so he knew that it would be scorned by his nobles. But strong enough was his hatred for me- his fear of me?- his lust for power?- that he was willing to risk it. Still I was too weak. If I resisted, he would simply crush my rebellion, imprison me, and take it with no repercussions. Accept.

Mournfully, I surveyed his realm. At least I could take comfort in the contempt he had earned. I spoke with King Ota of Bohemia

What the heck? He doesn't have any "Revoked vassal titles" modifier. None of the vassals do. He doesn't care that the emperor took my title? The emperor didn't have a claim. I know I shouldn't care this much about a game, but it's been a real roller-coaster, and this is infuriating.

 

[Aardvark Bellay]

Wasn't there a thread on the "joys" of playing in italy rcently ?
http://forum.paradoxplaza.com/forum/showthread.php?650908-The-joys-of-playing-in-Italy


I'm sorry for your fate, but actually pretty funny to read.

 

[aniuby]

I have a little problem...

Pray, spare a minute, and listen to my wee tale of woe.

I am Fingen "the Just", Emperor of Britannia, King of Ireland, England, Wales, Scotland, Andalusia, Norway, Portugal, Brittany, France, Aragon, and liege lord of Hungary.

I am also a "dwarf". Not the "industrious and fond of alcohol" type of dwarf. Not the "hi-ho it's off to work we go" sort of dwarf. Not the "och aye the noo, jings crivvens and help ma boab" type of dwarf.

I am the "-30 relations to everyone who's not also a dwarf" type of dwarf. And they called me "the Just", as short for "the Just up to about your nether regions or so".

It feels that I've got the short end of the stick here. Everyone simply talks down to me, and overlooks my achievements which render others' miniscule in comparison, including flattening the Mongol hordes underfoot. My vassals give me short shrift, making use of the short reign penalty to depose me in favour of my useless son, despite all his shortcomings! Even petty nobles curse me with "May your reign be short and miserable".

I know it's a tall order but I want Paradox to implement more measures to give slighted people like me the opportunity to cut these arrogant "normal people" down to size. Something like being able to cut off their kneecaps and turn them into a "dwarf", a special punishment available to rulers who are "dwarves", ought to do it. Once these villains have seen things from my point of view, they will realise that they can never be half the man I am.

In addition, there should be a new epithet called "the Short", to be given to rulers who are "dwarves". One of the greatest kings in history, Pepin of the Franks, was known as "the Short", and rulers should be allowed to take on this title as homage to a leader who stood tall in the annals of history.

Now please excuse me, for I have to deal with some of these rebels shortly.

 

[Thorv]

Of Sorrow and Revenge

Hear my tale of sorrow.

I am the ghost of the Duke of York. I once was the most powerful vassal in the realm.

Most of my life was spent plotting against my liege, patiently waiting for the right moment to usurp the crown of England.

Little did I know that my doom was decided long ago, when my father betrothed me to a foreign princess. Because of this, my son and heir acquired a claim to the Scottish throne.

Disaster struck when my liege declared war on Scotland to press that claim on behalf of my son. Most unwanted gift! Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes!

With my plans thrown in disarray, I foolishly raised my levies to fight by my liege’s side.

I died in battle. A few days later my heir became King of Scotland, but not for long.

That vile backstabber, the King of England, now had the perfect excuse to dispossess us. He turned his armies against my son to reclaim the Duchy of York, which would have otherwise passed under the Scottish crown.

As the tables turned, the lords of the Highlands raised the flag or rebellion.

Unable to face at once the Scottish rebels and the English army, my unfortunate son was forced to renounce the newly acquired crown of Scotland and surrender our ancestral land.

My descendants are now exiles in the inhospitable Highlands, lowly counts surrounded by distrusting foreigners. Every night I whisper in my offspring’s ear: “Do not despair. The day of revenge will come.”

 

[Klausewitz]

Hear my tale of woe.
I am Heinrich, Baron of Messina.
Being a bastard, born to a minor German noble, i joined the Norman conquest of South Italy and in the end was rewarded with my onw little piece of Sicily.
I was the lowest of the low in the Duchy of Apulia, but still i did not mind, for mine was a good land, a christian and and i knew that i would be able to make something of it. I spend the first years of my reign saving money and building means for taxation and war, resolving that i would free the Sicilian isles, from where the persecuted christiands streamed to me, from the muselmanian yoke.
And finally my time had come. Through a twist of good fate i managed to receive a claim on the Duchy Girgenti and i decided to press it.
It was a hard fight, often narrow and often close to defeat when the muselmen of Sicily banded together against me, but finally i was able to throw them down and claim my right.
All was well and i was a just and good ruler to everyone, be they Christian or Infidel under my rule. But the Muselman did not care that i was just and good, nor did he care that i was sending him gifts and keeping good relations with him.
When the hords of Egypt reached my coast i beat back the first few of them back into the sea. For 5 years i played a game of cat and mouse with them from my possesions of mainland italy, burning sicily as they burned it.
When they finally took my last castle i slew the first 50 coming to get me but was overwhelmed.
Only did i see who the new Sheik of Sicily, inthroned by the enemy, was: My own son, converted to the faith of the infidel.

 

[The Bishop]

Heretic's Lament

Oh, woe is me:
'I hereby revoke your title immediately!'

 

[dobriensd]

Did you take notes on the events during your game or is there a place you can view the events back in the order of their appearance? That was beautifully written