Home Trending Latest threads New posts Developer diaries

My Big Fat Gujarat

Jump to latest Follow Reply
  • We have updated our Community Code of Conduct. Please read through the new rules for the forum that are an integral part of Paradox Interactive’s User Agreement.
Er... yeah, I hadn't noticed I put a P there. I have made several typos before. Although it did give you a good joke if I say so myself.

EDIT: Always spell your words correctly when discussing the fact that words have been spelled incorrectly.
 
Chapter 3: 1425-1430
A Slight Case of Delhi Belly​

Ahmad Shah I of Gujarat was thrilled. He was ecstatic. He strolled around the Central Post Office in Bombay staring at everything in rapture. At last, Gujarat could have a Postal Service of its very own. The first thing he did back in Rajkot was to have a mailbox installed beside the main gate of the Royal Palace and every day day the Sultan rushed out to check if there were any letters, and what stamps had been stuck on them. However, the days went by and no letters came. Weeks past, then months. Still not a single letter had been delivered. Ahmad Shah summoned his trusty Prime Minister, Nysan Handhi to see if he knew the reason:

Nysan Handhi: You summond me, Sire?

Sultan Ahmad Shah I of Gujarat: Listen Handhi, it’s fully six months since we integrated the Central Post Office in Bombay into the glorious Sultanate of Gujarat, but I have still to receive a single letter.

Handhi: That’s terrible, Your Excellency! Perhaps there is some problem with the functioning of the Post Office. I’m sure a Sultan as hugely popular as yourself ought to have received at least one fan letter by now.

Sultan: Dozens, surely, don’t you think?

Handhi: Oh, even into triple figures, Sire. You did appoint some staff to the Post Office didn’t you?

Sultan: Staff? Er... well, no - not exactly. I thought - you know, it already had a staff... Didn’t it?

Handhi: Worthless Hindus to a man, Sire. I shouldn’t think those filthy idolaters would have stayed around.

Sultan: Oh.

Handhi: Ahem... so - that might explain the lack of mail, Your Highness.

Sultan: Oh. Well, don’t just stand there Handhi! Go and appoint some Post Office workers!

Handhi: Yes, Sire! Very good, Sire!

Postman.jpg

One of the first Gujarati postmen​

Sultan Ahmad Shah immediately began using Gujarat’s new Postal Service to send offers of royal marriage to distant lands. This proved remarkably successful with marriages being arranged with Vijayanagar and Orissa in 1426. The following year the Sultan sent a large package to Barakat I of the Hedjaz. Gujaratis had only discovered the exact whereabouts of Mekkah in 1419. This was of course a useful piece of information although it necessitated the complete rebuilding of most of Gujarat’s mosques, whose prayer halls turned out to be pointing the wrong way. The Sultan’s package was his most treasured possession - the 1427 edition of the Stanley Gibbons South Asian Atlas of Stamp Collecting. It was a long shot, but sure enough, a few months later another package arrived back from Barakat I containing the Complete Atlas of Middle Eastern Pressed Flower Collecting. While Nysan Handhi stared in wonder at the new lands that were shown in the Atlas, lands like Egypt, the Ottoman Empire and the Byzantine Empire, the Sultan drooled over the Arabian stamps stuck all over the parcel.

Mideast1427.jpg

What the new lands looked like​

Then, in August 1428, Sultan Ahmad Shah summoned his Prime Minister once more.

Sultan Ahmad Shah: Well, Handhi, what do you think? We haven’t conquered any new territories for at least three years. On top of that, my brilliant military leadership skills are really being wasted, are they not? What we need is a war!

Nysan Handhi: Sire, I’m afraid we don’t have a just cause for war against any of our neighbours at the moment.

Sultan: Yes, it’s really appalling how peaceful things are around here. What’s wrong with the world?

Handhi: Well, there are wars going on, Your Majesty, it’s just that we’re not in them.

Sultan: Really? Wars going on, eh? Maybe we could join one of them. Where’s the nearest one?

Handhi: Well, Rajputana have just declared war on Delhi and Qara Koyunlu have just attacked the Timurid Empire.

Sultan: Ah, Rajputana are giving that toad Mu’izzudin Mubarak Shah of Delhi the old once-over! Excellent. Let’s join them.

Handhi: Ahem, well, we’re not exactly allied with Rajputana, Sire.

Sultan: We just arranged a Royal Marriage with them though, didn’t we?

Handhi: Well, yes, Your Majesty, but... Delhi has not done anything to offend us, and they are our fellow-Muslims. We can’t just march in and...

Sultan: Yes we can! Issue a declaration of war immediately. The Timurids have their hands full and we still have a truce with Hyderabad - surely this is the perfect time to attack Delhi?

Handhi: Very good, Sire. Perhaps we should start writing some rousing speeches to convince the populace that this unjustified aggression is really a Good Thing?

Sultan: Excellent idea, Handhi - I’ll leave that with you. Now, I’m off to fight a war!

Rajputanan forces were already besieging the city of Multan in Thar Province when Ahmad Shah rode up at the head of his army, but the incompetent underling who was in command was only too glad to hand over control to the Sultan. As Ahmad Shah had expected, Delhi’s army were too busy trying to fend off other attacks elsewhere to try to defend this impoverished outlying province and by March 1429 the city was in Gujarati hands. Ahmad Shah marched on into Panjab and laid siege to Lahore. Still no counter-attack came from Delhi, and that city fell in August. Sultan Ahmad Shah then struck at Delhi itself. In panic the Sultan of Delhi made peace with Rajputana, handing over Gondwana province and 46 ducats in indemnities, to be able to concentrate on relieving his capital city. But the relief force that was sent failed to dislodge Ahmad Shah from his siege and in June 1430 the city surrendered. Quickly Sultan Mu’izzudin Mubarak Shah was brought to the negotiating table by his former vassal, who now offered generous terms. Delhi had only to hand over Thar and Panjab provinces and the Gujarati Army would pack their bags and leave. Mu’izzudin Mubarak Shah wisely accepted.

Ahmad Shah returned to Rajkot to be greeted by the devastating news that his trusty Prime Minister, Nysan Handhi, had been assassinated a few weeks beforehand, shot with a poisoned arrow whilst trying to deliver a rousing speech to a crowd of war-weary citizens about “attack being the best form of defence”. Ahmad Shah had gained two provinces but had lost a lifelong friend and counselor. Overcome with grief he retired to his study and buried himself in his stamp collection.

Gujarat1431.jpg

Northern India at the end of the Let’s-Gang-Up-on-Delhi War​
 
Last edited:
Perhaps he will get many cards in the post saying how sorry they were to hear of Handhi's murder. That should take his mind off his grief. And too bad about Handhi - such a great name. :D
 
Remember to make the Post Office issue commemorative stamps, both for the victory and for mourning the passing of such a wizened counsellor.
 
Farquharson said:
Gujaratis had only discovered the exact whereabouts of Mekkah in 1419. This was of course a useful piece of information although it necessitated the complete rebuilding of most of Gujarat’s mosques, whose prayer halls turned out to be pointing the wrong way.
Click to expand...

Heh, great line.

See? I'm being nice since I'm not at 1200 yet. Just wait until I am though... :D
 
J. Passepartout said:
Well, it seems that I posted just before you updated, and then I was unable to say anything at the time.

I like how Handhi described how popular Ahmad is. Too bad he died.
Click to expand...


Yeah a pity to lose such a competant fellow....though perhaps there could be others to take his place, like... Ussuf-ful or perhaps an second generation...Q'wite Handhi? :p
 
:D :D
Now that's just what I like about Farquarson AAR's. Not only are they funny, but the helpful suggestions and sidebars are just as funny! :rofl:
 
How long is it before the Sultan becomes decadent and foolish, and tries to build a palace purely out of stamps? :(
 
coz1: No need to mourn too long for Handhi - his replacement is on the way!

stnylan: Commemorative stamps were certainly issued, however none of them have been suitably preserved to show you.

J.Passepartout: Yes, Handhi was a master of diplomacy - let's hope his successor can live up to such high standards.

Troggle: Well, I did wonder how a Muslim nation could only just be discovering the whereabouts of Mekkah in 1419... :wacko:

Judas M: Thanks - for that I'll promise to leave Baden alone! :D

Maku: As you'll see, you inspired me! :)

Draco: I agree - keep it coming, folks!

Rythin: You're dead right! Listen, folks, why are you all here reading this drivel when you could be over reading one of Rythin's great masterpieces? My personal favourite is this one - check it out now! :D :p

Vincent J: Well he already has the walls entirely papered with rare stamps, which of course goes without saying. An entire palace might be a bit of a fire risk, though... :eek:

Thanks to all for reading and posting! And here's the next chapter...
 
Chapter 4: 1430-1435
Some Rookie Balookies get Nukied​

Nukied.jpg

Sultan Ahmad Shah I of Gujarat was sad, but not as sad as he might have been. His faithful Prime Minister, Nysan Handhi had been cruelly assassinated just before the end of the Delhi War, but Handhi’s nephew, Yusf ul-Fellah, was said to show great promise, and the Sultan was having him trained up to replace his late uncle. Meanwhile Ahmad Shah had not been allowed to mope in his study with his vast stamp collection for long. In 1431 the Hindus of Bombay had risen up in revolt and the Sultan had been obliged to go and teach them a lesson in person. By August 1432 Yusf ul-Fellah was ready to take on his duties. Just in time, as it happened, since Ahmad Shah needed someone to discuss important events which were taking place over in the Wild West, which is how Gujaratis referred to the Timurid Empire.

Ahmad Shah I: Ah, good, you’re here ul-Fellah. I need an expert opinion - should I start a new album for this set of Omani stamps I’ve just coughed up 500 rupees for, or should I squeeze them in with these Hedjazi commemoratives?

Yusf ul-Fellah: Er... I... er... well, that is...

Ahmad Shah: Hmm - now, that’s not really very fair of me, is it, starting you off with such a weighty issue? What about if we get you going with something less important and work you up gradually, eh?

Yusf ul-Fellah: Yes, Sire. I think I’d prefer that. Thank you, Sire.

Ahmad Shah: Right then - so, should we declare war on Baluchistan or not?

Yusf ul-Fellah: Baluchistan, Sire? I didn’t know they were an independent nation...

Ahmad Shah: Keep up, man! Haven’t you read the papers this morning? Look!

He hands ul-Fellah the “Rajkot Review”, a parchment tabloid with most of the front page taken up with a large full-colour map, and the headline:

“BALOOKIES GO BALLISTIC!”

Baluchistan-1432.jpg

Yusf ul-Fellah: Cripes, Your Majesty! That wasn’t there last time I looked!

Ahmad Shah: Yes, quite! Those witless Timurids have gone and let half their empire revolt away, and it’s happening right on our doorstep! Could be just the lucky break we’re looking for, though.

Yusf ul-Fellah: Er - lucky break, Sire?

Ahmad Shah: Like all these tin-pot upstart nationalistic movements, these rookie Balookies have declared war on the Timurids when they don’t even have an army. In fact there aren’t even any fortifications in this neighbouring province, Kalat, nor even in their capital, Turbat. Now what does that state of affairs say to you, ul-Fellah?

Yusf ul-Fellah: Er... We should offer them military assistance, Sire?

Ahmad Shah, sighing: I can see you’ve got some way to go in your training, ul-Fellah. Lesson One - never side with a surefire loser.

Yusf ul-Fellah: Oh - wait a minute... You were asking if we should declare war on them...

Ahmad Shah: Gosh, that would be a good idea! Now why didn’t I think of that?

Yusf ul-Fellah: Er - I think it was you who thought of it, Sire...

Ahmad Shah: Sarcasm, ul-Fellah - look it up in a dictionary when you get home.

Yusf ul-Fellah: Sarcasm! Right you are, Sire!

Ahmad Shah: So we’re agreed then. We declare war right away - do we bring in the allies or not?

Yusf ul-Fellah: Just a moment, Sire. Wouldn’t this be - you know... frowned on in some quarters? I mean, unjustified aggression against our fellow-Muslims?

Ahmad Shah: First of all, ul-Fellah, it’s not unjustified. We just so happen to have a permanent casus belli against Baluchistan, and secondly...

Yusf ul-Fellah: Why, Your Majesty?

Ahmad Shah: Why? Why what, man?

Yusf ul-Fellah: Why do we have a permanent casus belli against them, Sire?

Ahmad Shah: Good grief, how should I know? It says so in the diplomacy window, doesn’t it? You don’t ask too many questions in these sort of cases!

Yusf ul-Fellah: Oh... Well, that’s not so bad then, I suppose...

Ahmad Shah: And secondly, as I was saying, they’re not our fellow-Muslims. In fact, they’re not real Muslims at all, but vile heretic Shi’ites. Once we’ve conquered them we can get to work converting the more misguided of them back to the true faith.

Yusf ul-Fellah: Um, right, Sire. So, we could classify it as “jihad”, in fact?

Ahmad Shah: “Jihad” - yes! Excellent idea ul-Fellah. Well, that’s settled then. Thank you, ul-Fellah, that’ll be all - your counsel has been truly invaluable.

Yusf ul-Fellah: Er... sarcasm, again, Sire?

Ahmad Shah: Well, I’ll say one thing for you - you learn quickly!

So Ahmad Shah declared war on the breakaway nation of Baluchistan, and marched his army through Kalat to reach the undefended Baluchi capital, Turbat, by the end of September. He then turned north to besiege the city of Zabol in Zahedan province, while a small cavalry detachment rode west to keep an eye on the city of Mekran. Soon a large detachment of reinforcements arrived from Vijayanagar (for Ahmad Shah had, in fact, brought his three allies into the war, in the hopes that just such help would be forthcoming), and Zabol fell the following July. Then, while Ahmad Shah was besieging Mekran, Shi’ite rebels in the Baluchi capital Turbat overpowered their Gujarati occupiers, but they were quickly dealt with by more Gujarati reinforcements who arrived soon after. In June 1434 Mekran finally fell to a combined Gujarati-Vijayanagar siege and the upstart Shi-ite leader Mîr Chakur hurriedly signed Ahmad Shah’s peace proposal, whereby Kalat, Zahedan and Mekran became part of Gujarat and Baluchistan became Ahmad Shah’s vassal.

Chakur.jpg

Mîr Chakur concedes defeat​


Gujarat1434.jpg

Gujarat in 1434​

This of course caused a stench in the nostrils of the Timurids, but they were too busy fighting rebels, Uzbeks, the Golden Horde, etc to do much about it. On the off-chance, Ahmad Shah even suggested that Shâh Rûkh’s son might like to marry his daughter Jameela, in the interests of patching up relations between the two countries, but the reply that came back from Herat was not the sort of thing that was generally regarded as printable, even in the “Rajkot Review”. In any case, Ahmad Shah had now got himself over 100 victory points, and was basking in fourth place in the International Megalomaniac League Table, behind Charles VII of France, Zheng He of China and Philippe III le Bon of Burgundy. And none of them, he was pretty sure, had a stamp collection anywhere near as impressive as his.
 
Last edited:
Farq,
Your pathethic linguistic style, your plaintively poor grammar background, lack of any plot sensibility and hopeless jokes are almost as wretched as you. You'd better start growing tomatoes and give up writing AARs. BTW, could you place me in one of your chapters? Please! Please!!!
 
Last edited:
Ooh, good war! Like your new advisor, too.

Here, have some stamps from the "Great Men of Baden" collection. I'm sure it will do nicely in your collection. Err... sorry the gift's so small, but there just aren't that many of them. ;) :D
 
I must say I like this AAR. You write well, and often you have very clever points! =) Especially liked those last sentences...
 
Superb as always.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back