Chapter 20: 1580-1595
The Zloq-tana to the Rescue
The Zloq-tana to the Rescue
It hardly needs to be mentioned that the Shah of Persia declared war once more in 1581, and sent his evil minions over the border again...
This time the hateful Uzbeks and their allies the Golden Horde and the Qazak Horde, joined in, declaring war in December. This was slightly bad news because the Uzbeks held the secret of the dreaded Land Tech 9. Nevertheless the war went reasonably well for Gujarat, and by March 1584 Mekran and Birjand were once more occupied, and Shah Space Invader I coughed up 50 ducats for peace.
The Uzbek Alliance was a little more troublesome, however, having captured Bukhara by assault in June 1583. However, the Gujaratis simply began wading through the Uzbek heartlands, capturing Meched, Hormouz and Lut. Bukhara still seemed to be giving the Uzbeks a frighteningly large warscore, however, and an attempt to recapture the city, begun in July 1584, was not going too well. It was then that Muzaffar Shah had an unexpected encounter with his former pet rabbit Flopsy in the gardens of the Royal Palace in Rajkot.
Muzaffar Shah: Flopsy! Or should I say, Tar-Oggal? It is you, isn’t it?
Tar-Oggal, in the guise of Flopsy the rabbit: Of course it’s me! Who did you think it was?
Muzaffar Shah: But - I didn’t realize you were still taking an interest in us Earthlings.
Tar-Oggal: Well, you know how it is - academic funding is hard to come by these days. I came back to this project as a poor man’s last resort.
Muzaffar Shah: I’m honoured.
Tar-Oggal: Well, that’s what I was hoping. I’ll need your co-operation, you see.
Muzaffar Shah: Well, now we’re talking. Because I could do with some co-operation from you, as it happens.
Tar-Oggal: Wonderful! Anything in particular?
Muzaffar Shah: You could get those slimy Uzbeks out of my hair for a start. Zap a few of their cities with an Orbital Meson Cannon or something.
Tar-Oggal: Hey, easy now! I told you I’m on a tight budget. And anyway, there are interplanetary laws about that sort of thing.
Muzaffar Shah: A white peace is all I’m asking for. Trouble is, they think that occupying Bukhara somehow gives them a whopping great advantage. Couldn’t you just give me a little discreet help with the siege up there?
Tar-Oggal: No need to bother messing around with military intervention, Muzaffar. Here, next time you send a peace offer, just get your envoy to shine this little gadget in the eyes of the Uzbek ruler. You’ll be impressed! But only a white peace, mind you. Turning up the Persuasion Co-efficient can result in permanent brain damage.
The Zloq-tan technology that Tar-Oggal’s budget could stretch to
Muzaffar Shah: What’s wrong with that?
Tar-Oggal: You want a madman running the country next door?
Muzaffar Shah: Hmm, I see your point. OK, just a white peace then.
Tar-Oggal: So you agree to co-operate fully with my research project, then?
Muzaffar Shah, suspiciously: Ahem - what exactly does “co-operate” mean?
Tar-Oggal: Well, for the time being, just let me make observations. It’ll be a lot simpler for me if I don’t have to try and hide from you all the time. And occasionally I may have the odd request to make.
Muzaffar Shah: Odd request? Nothing too odd, I hope?
Tar-Oggal: Don’t worry, just an occasional brainscan, that type of thing. Oh, and if you could stay alive for a century or so, that would kind of simplify the project.
Muzaffar Shah: Oh, sure. Just remind me not to die! How on earth am I supposed to do that?
Tar-Oggal: Oh, don’t worry, I’ll take care of the technical side of things. Just try and avoid sudden violent death, that’s all.
Muzaffar Shah: Gee, do I have to? Sudden violent death is such fun, after all.
Tar-Oggal: I’m being serious, Muzaffar.
Muzaffar Shah: Sorry, Flopsy. Right, give me that gadget. Now, where’s my envoy got to?
Thus was born the legend of Muzaffar Shah the Immortal, or, as people tended to refer to him at first, Muzaffar Shah the Still Not Dead. The Uzbeks did indeed miraculously accept a White Peace in November 1584 and the Empire of Gujarat was at peace once more. At this point Muzaffar Shah noticed that Jodhpur appeared to have been captured by the Rajput Princes once more. He angrily had them hunted down and brought before him.
First Rajput Prince: It wasn’t us, Your Majesty!
Second Rajput Prince: We’re innocent, Sire!
Third Rajput Prince: We’re reformed characters now, Your Beneficence! These RPA therapy sessions have worked wonders!
Muzaffar Shah: But you appear to have seized control of Jodhpur again - what do you mean, you’re innocent?
First Rajput Prince: It wasn’t us who revolted.
Second Rajput Prince: We don’t revolt, Sire, remember?
Third Rajput Prince: We only organize uprisings, Your Majesty. At least we used to, but we don’t even do that any longer.
Muzaffar Shah: So who was it that revolted then?
First Rajput Prince: It was the revolting Rajput Peasants, Sire. They’re the ones to blame.
Muzaffar Shah: But you are in control of the city, right?
Second Rajput Prince: Well, you can’t let peasants rule a city can you, Your Majesty? Obviously someone of noble blood had to step in and take the reins.
Muzaffar Shah: These peasants - they weren’t offered inducements by any chance were they?
Third Rajput Prince, in a shocked tone: Offered inducements? By us, you mean, Sire? Of course not!
Muzaffar Shah, with a sigh: OK, let’s get this straight. Even if you have renounced uprisings for good, the peasants of Rajputana are still going to revolt and then let you take control once they’re finished, is that what you’re saying?
First Rajput Prince: A brillliant resume of the situation, if I might say so, Sire.
Second Rajput Prince: Truly Your Majesty’s analytical faculties are awesome!
Muzaffar Shah: Right, well here’s what I’ve decided. We’ll let things stay as they are for the moment, but remember - no declarations of independence, OK? Rajputana is still part of the Empire of Gujarat, and it stays that way!
Third Rajput Prince: But of course, Sire. How could we organize uprisings if we were an independent state?
First Rajput Prince: Er - not that we would now anyway, of course!
But it was not long before the reformed Rajput Princes, spurred on by the revolting Rajput peasants, declared independence, and announced that they were at war with Gujarat. Muzaffar Shah quickly brought Jodhpur under siege and by July 1586 the city was once more in Gujarati hands. At this point the Rajput Princes were dismayed to hear Muzaffar Shah’s peace offer - they were to become his vassals.
First Rajput Prince: But... but... don’t you want to annex us again, Sire?
Second Rajput Prince: You know, cruel tyranny and oppression - all that stuff?
Third Rajput Prince: We didn’t really want to be independent - it was the peasants that made us do it!
Muzaffar Shah: As a matter of fact I’ve had about all I can take of you Rajputs. From now on you’re not going to be allowed to be part of the Gujarati Empire. And you can revolt all you want - see if I care!
First Rajput Prince: But we don’t revolt, we keep telling you!
Second Rajput Prince: We don’t even organize uprisings!
Third Rajput Prince: We’ll be good, honest! Please oppress us, Your Horribly Cruelness!
But Muzaffar Shah flatly refused to allow the Rajputs back into his Empire, and Rajputana became his humble vassal. Another important decision that Muzaffar Shah made at this time was to stop pouring all his spare ducats into trying to improve the stability of the realm. Frankly it wasn’t working. Once he had finished repaying his copious debts, which had been run up dealing with corruption, war recruitment, etc, he began pouring money into Rajkot University, in particular the long-neglected Faculty of Land Tech. In July 1589 an excited scientist turned up at the palace with the important news that they had just discovered something called “Land Tech 8”. For some reason, this was believed to be only a step away from the elusive “Land Tech 9”.
Unfortunately the Faculty’s Land Tech research had still failed to deliver any really useful results when the Persians declared war once more in August 1589, followed by the Uzbeks and their Hordes of allies in December. Gujarat and the Chagatais now found themselves dealing with a whole array of enemies all of whom seemed to be “in the know” regarding LT9. The Rajkot scientists slaved day and night to crack the problem and by August 1590 they had the answer. All you had to do, they explained, was equip your armies with arquebuses. “Is that all?” asked Muzaffar Shah in disbelief. “All this time I thought it must have something to do with sub-atomic physics or something, and you’re telling me we just have to hand out arquebuses?”
Land Tech 9 - could it really have been this simple all along?
Thus the Gujarati armies were quickly issued with the relevant hardware and hey presto! suddenly they started winning battles again! The Uzbeks had managed to seize Kushka and Bukhara this time, and the Chagatais had lost Khiva, which they ceded to Uzbek in December 1590 in order to get out of the war. But then, in a sweeping counterattack, the Gujarat Army took Birjand from Persia, recaptured Kushka, took Kerman from Uzbek, recaptured Bukhara and finally took control of Mekran from Persia in March 1592. At this point the Persians handed over Mekran for peace, and Uzbek offered 21 ducats to end the war. Muzaffar Shah accepted.
After a short break from war, Muzaffar Shah decided to finish off the Hyper-Baddies, before he had another Persian War on his hands. Arquebuses in hand, the proud Gujarat Army soon made mincemeat of the Hyper-Baddies, whose 10,000 troops were totally annihilated. By May 1595 Hyderabad was captured and annexed. The Hyper-Baddies were history.
Look - no Hyper-Baddies! On the other hand, the Rajputs are back...
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