My Big Fat Gujarat

[Van Engel]

There I go again, keeping this AAR, and Farq as well, from slipping off the edge

I think I deserve a mention in the AAR *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*

Bah, I've read ALL his AAR's from the begining.

 

[unmerged(28944)]

Great, there go Troggle and Van Engal again! Quick Farq! Post and update that mentions both of 'em and bemuse them for awhile!

 

[Zenek K.]

Yup, you better post next update soon and next and next and next... until 1819. You don't want to leave this AAR! You must first conquer back lost provs and conquer what should be yours...

 

[unmerged(19936)]

Great, there go Troggle and Van Engal again! Quick Farq! Post and update that mentions both of 'em and bemuse them for awhile!

I'm also partial to shiny objects. Tinfoil, tinsel, shiny rocks, that kind of thing

It's Van Engel, remember? The Dutchman who thinks he's an Englishman

I think you should write a CK AAR going from 1066-1820. That thread would get me up to 3000 posts on it's own.

 

[unmerged(28944)]

My apologies, I was trying to give Van Engel the benefit of the doubt!

 

[Van Engel]

It's Van Engel, remember? The Dutchman who thinks he's an Englishman

Careful...

Btw 800 posts!

 

[unmerged(28944)]

Congrats Van Engel! My my my, it surely does seem that Farq's AAR's always end up being the stage for people to reach milestones, eh?

 

[unmerged(26933)]

I'm also partial to shiny objects. Tinfoil, tinsel, shiny rocks, that kind of thing

So all I need to do to get you to write is yo buy some Al for 2 49 and then wave it infront of your keyboard? Sounds like a deal, I was just going to get you a nice swiss watch and beg, but that costs more....

 

[Farquharson]

J.Passepartout: Should Flopsy become Muzaffar's advisor? Hmm - Grajwit might feel a bit offended at being supplanted by a rabbit...

Grundius: I'm glad you enjoyed Mahmud Shah's long and illustrious reign. I must admit that when he (as military leader) was killed in a battle with rebel scum back in 1479, I had no idea I was going to have to write about a wraith-king Sultan for the next 32 years!

Troggle, Van Engel: Don't say I'm not good to you. You hardly deserve it!

Draco: Engel, Engal - or maybe some other spelling? Really, what's the deal?

Zenek: Now I hope you're not going to start pressurizing me. I've made up my mind, you know! And there's still the window ledge if I get really stressed out. I find it such a comforting place...

Troggle: I've just realized what your game is - you're trying to get more posts than me in my own thread!

Van Engel: And you're just trying to get more posts than Troggle, right?

Zeno: No, really, the Swiss watch sounded quite nice. But I assure you, I'm totally incorruptible!

Next update is here...

 

[Farquharson]

Chapter 13: 1516-1526
Close Encounters of Various Kinds

Seven years of war had finally come to a close in 1516 with the ignominious payment of 100 ducats to the stubborn Lankans, but the mighty Gujarati Empire was still racked by revolts. It took until early 1519 before the last of the revolting peasants were finally mopped up, squeezed out into a bucket and poured into the nearest cesspit, where they festered quietly, preparing to reappear in an even more revolting form at some future date.

Muzaffar Shah II, Sultan of Gujarat and the world’s first ufologist, still harboured hopes that the fabled Zloq-tana of the planet Aldebaran IV might come to Gujarat’s aid, to help Muzaffar Shah conquer the world and other such interesting projects he had in mind. For some reason, they didn’t. Once the revolting peasants had been dealt with therefore, faced with the continuing absence of any communication from the Zloq-tana, Muzaffar Shah decided to consult his father’s trusted consellor the Prime Minister of Gujarat, Arvad Grajwit, as a last resort.

Muzaffar Shah II: Well Grajwit, I wonder if you’re all you’re cracked up to be. I daresay you wouldn’t hold a candle to the average Zloq-tan primary school pupil, but we may as well give you a chance to prove your worth.

Arvad Grajwit, bowing low: Ever at your service Your Esteemed Abductedness.

Muzaffar Shah II: Tell me then - what should we do to make Gujarat bigger and fatter?

Arvad Grajwit: If you ask me, Sire (which you appear to have done), this would be the perfect moment to annex Afghanistan.

Muzaffar Shah II: Ahem - we don’t exactly have good relations with our vassal right now, do we?

Arvad Grajwit: Well, not as such Your Highness, but nothing a few well-chosen gifts won’t put right.

Muzaffar Shah II, frowning: Expensive, that. Why is this such a good moment?

Arvad Grajwit: Well, our army is a relatively healthy size at present, Sire, compared to the Afghan army, which is non-existent, and not likely to reappear in a hurry, seeing as how Afghanistan is currently being overrun by revolting peasants.

Muzaffar Shah II: Hmm - yes, I see what you mean Grajwit. How many gifts d’you think it’ll take to warm things up between us again, then? Two or three?

Arvad Grajwit: Perhaps, Sire. They must be well-chosen, however.

In retrospect, the bizarre, allegedly Zloq-tan artifacts which Muzaffar Shah began sending to Quetta were perhaps not terribly well chosen, and it took five of them before relations were good enough for Muzaffar Shah to pop the question. By which time he had no more diplomats available to convey the all-important message. However, in March 1520 the message was finally sent, and not surprisingly, the Afghans were only too pleased to become part of the glorious Gujarati Empire. The revolting peasants were dealt with immediately.

Muzaffar Shah’s attention was now drawn to Gujarat’s age-old enemies the Hyper-Baddies, who were up to no good once more. In September 1520 they declared war on Vijayanagar, by now reduced to just one province since the Hyper-Baddies had stripped everything else from them in their last war. Muzaffar Shah was just contemplating whether it might be worth intervening - ostensibly to help Vijayanagar - when his ally Mansur Khan of the Chagatai Khanate sent word that he wanted to beat up the Uzbeks a little, and would Muzaffar Shah please come and help him? The prospect of wresting the two Sunni provinces of Bukhara and Khorasan from Uzbek was too tempting for Muzaffar Shah, and he agreed, leaving Vijayanagar to its fate.

This became known afterwards as “the War that Wasn’t”. Bukhara was besieged by Gujarati forces and fell in a little over a year, while the Uzbeks tried unsuccessfully to capture the coveted Fine Arts Academy in Herat. As soon as Bukhara fell, Mansur Khan accepted 68 ducats from the Uzbeks in a peace deal. Muzaffar Shah was more than a little miffed and sent word to his ally that, if he wanted to remain such, he’d better not try that trick again. Vijayanagar meanwhile was no more, swallowed up in the bloated horror of Hyper-Baddie thralldom.

Now it was time to begin re-establishing Gujarat’s presence in the Rajkot market-place - the number of Gujarati merchants trading there had somehow fallen to zero while all these wars were going on. However, Muzaffar Shah was not content with just one centre of trade in his Empire, and his beady eyes were ever drawn towards the isolated Mughal province of Samarkand on his northern border. Unfortunately, there was no acceptable reason for him to go to war against the Mughals, and when Muzaffar Shah suggested going to war without one, Arvad Grajwit strongly opposed him. This was a little unfortunate for the Prime Minister, because he was found assassinated in his bedchamber soon after this. Muzaffar Shah made all the usual statements about being “deeply shocked and saddened”, but no-one was fooled.

While the more peace-loving elements of Gujarati society were kicking up a fuss about this, those who favoured war with the Mughals were also making themselves heard. In November 1524 five thousand warlike young horsemen came forward in Herat to offer their services in an invasion of Samarkand. Muzaffar Shah promised them satisfaction, while he raised more troops further south.

Then in May 1525 Bengal declared war on Gujarat, bringing the Mughals into the war at their side and saving Muzaffar Shah the bother of a hefty stability drop. The Chagatais answered Muzaffar Shah’s call for aid, and within a month Samarkand had been put under siege. Three attempts by the Mughals to break this siege were defeated in rapid succession.

Samarkand - city of fabled wealth and luxury​

However, further south the war did not progress so smoothly. While the main Gujarati southern army besieged the Mughal capital Delhi, Bengalis swarmed over the eastern borders of Gujarat and laid siege to Bundelkhand and Bastar provinces. Some intrepid Bengalis even managed to pillage their way all the way up to Herat to lay siege to that city too. Meanwhile Bundelkhand fell into Mughal hands, an attempt to besiege Jodhpur, provincial capital of Rajputana, unfortunately coincided with a massive uprising of Rajput princes, and to cap it all the siege of Delhi was broken in January 1526. The revolting peasants were also emerging from their cesspits by now and making their presence felt (and smelt). In April 1526 they managed to capture Bombay.

Muzaffar Shah was growing worried, however he had not given up hope. A new siege of Delhi was begun, while the revolting Rajput princes besieged Jodhpur. And Muzaffar Shah redoubled his efforts to re-establish contact with the Zloq-tana, whom he now deemed his only hope for winning the war. And then finally, one night in in April 1526, while out in the palace gardens scanning the skies, his dream came true. As the dazzling lights of the Zloq-tan craft slowly descended, Muzaffar Shah gazed up in rapture.

Muzaffar Shah II: You... you’ve come to save me!

Voice from somewhere at his feet: Ahem, well - I suppose you could put it that way.

Muzaffar Shah II, suddenly looking down: Flopsy! You... you can talk!

Flopsy the Rabbit: Actually, the name isn’t Flopsy - never has been. My name is Tar-Oggal, Zloq-tan researcher in disguise. And a pretty good disguise I thought, even if I say so myself.

Muzaffar Shah II: Re- researcher?

Flopsy the Rabbit: All will be revealed, Muzaffar. But we’d better get out of here before anyone spots this thing. In you get.

He tilts his head to indicate the entry ramp which has now been lowered from the underside of the craft which is now humming gently just above their heads. As if in a dream, Muzaffar Shah stumbles up the ramp and into the ship, and Flopsy hops after him. The ramp is slowly raised again and the craft suddenly departs at a phenomenal speed.

***************************​

The scene - a cocktail party somewhere on Aldebaran IV. Two Zloq-tana are engaging in small-talk:

Vlan-Enxal: So - what line are you in, then?

Tar-Oggal: Sociology, actually.

Vlan-Enxal: Teaching is it?

Tar-Oggal: Bit of that, yes. Mostly research though. Right now I’m in the middle of a Primitive Intelligent Species Study.

Vlan-Enxal: Oh yes - which planet?

Tar-Oggal: Slob III - not many people have heard of it. It’s about sixty light years away. I’m studying a species called the humans.

Vlan-Enxal: Found anything interesting?

Tar-Oggal: Well, they’re a very warlike species. I’ve been trying to see if they can be encouraged to be less warlike by various distractions. Over the last hundred years I’ve induced a series of local leaders to take up interesting pastimes to try and cure their warlikeness.

Vlan-Enxal: Sounds good. Any results?

Tar-Oggal: Zilch. Hasn’t done a thing. They’re all as warlike as ever. With the last subject I decided to take a more radical approach.

Vlan-Enxal: Oh yes?

Tar-Oggal: Well, I wanted to see if this aggressive trait was just a result of nurture - passed on by their upbringing and the society around them.

Vlan-Enxal: It always is.

Tar-Oggal: Hmm - I wouldn’t count on it in this case. I brought the subject to Aldebaran IV for five years, gave him a proper civilized Zloq-tan upbringing, then put him back in time to start ruling his nation.

Vlan-Enxal: Well, that must have worked, surely?

Tar-Oggal: Er - no. I even brought the subject back here for further analysis. Alas, he’s turned out just as aggressive as his ancestors. * nurses a bruise on his cheek *

Vlan-Enxal: So - what next?

Tar-Oggal: Well, obviously I can’t let him go back to Slob III, now that he knows about the research project. However, he does have a son who seems pretty capable. I’ll continue the experiment with him.

Vlan-Enxal: Well good luck.

Tar-Oggal: Yeah, thanks - anyway, you haven’t mentioned what you do.

Vlan-Enxal: Me? Oh, nothing so high-brow. I work in species-emulation. You know, enabling people to emulate other species for various reasons.

Tar-Oggal: Fancy that! I had to do a spot of that myself, as it happens...

The two wander off deep in conversation.

 

[Van Engel]

Cool! Vlan Enxal Wheee!

 

[unmerged(25608)]

The story is now so crazy - it's brilliant!

That was proably the most unexpected twist I have ever read in an AAR (and there are a lot of them!)

So will the Zloq-tana co-opertate with the humans to create a peaceful world!?

 

[J. Passepartout]

Boy, and I thought that Flopsy was a normal rabbit.

And I never would have guessed that these hobbies were the result of outside interference.

 

[unmerged(28944)]

Anyone saying Farq's AAR's are nothing but staightforward and straight-laced are in the words of my 12yr old nephew, "Whacked in the head!" :rofl: :rofl:

 

[unmerged(19936)]

Yeah! You're great Farq!

I actually am in Humanities, but I prefer studying humans by dissecting them

And yes, my secret plan is to have more posts than you in this thread, and I just might have achieved that goal.

Van Engel, I see you changed your location. I'm just teasing you, really

 

[Grundius]

I think I'll like this Sultan too.. So what happened Farquharson? Got the Zloq-Tana Intervention event (All tech levels +50 (Granting access to Trade-Level 50, which allows you to annex a nation if you have monopolies in all it's centers of trade) Stability set to 4, Basic Taxvalue +20 everywhere, cores on every province in the world and all province cultures changed to Gujarati) ?

 

[Zenek K.]

Is it fascinating? YES!
Is it crazy? YES!
Is it brilliant? YES!

Is it over?? I hope not...

 

[unmerged(26933)]

Excellent excellent, now all the people must be woundering what happened to thier ruler, I mean who's going to believe that a talking rabbit ubducted thier leader?

 

[unmerged(30040)]

Don't stop, this is funny! Besides, if you write CK AARs, I won't understand them! I don't play CK......

 

[Farquharson]

Vlan Enxal, Tar-Oggal: Anything to oblige! As for dissecting humans, Muzaffar Shah was naturally a bit cut up when he discovered what had been going on...

wcoleridge: The Zloq-tana would co-operate with humans to create a peaceful world, but unfortunately they haven't yet located any peaceful humans to co-operate with...

J.Passepartout: It was kind of a surprise for me too, to discover that there was a rational explanation for these bizarre obsessions! But when these ideas come along, you just go with the flow.

Draco: Eh? What was that? Is someone saying I'm whacked in the head? Hey, you should meet my pet rabbit...

Grundius: Well, you know, the Zloq-tan Intervention event popped up on the screen and in a moment of distraction I accidentally clicked "Tell them to get stuffed - we'll conquer the world on our own!" Drat!

Zenek: One more update coming up, then I'm having a break... o

Zeno: Well, no-one actually witnessed Muzaffar's Second Abduction, so the only question is, how long will his heir wait to seize control? Answer coming up!

the_shy_kid: No sorry, I've made up my mind, you can't persuade me! Mind you, wasn't someone mentioning a Swiss watch recently...?

So, here it is - the Last Update for the time being...