Most fun piece of dickishness you ever did?

Most fun piece of dickishness you ever did?

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StarSword

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Playing a Haraldr Wartooth game and had a "Lower Tribal Organization" revolt flare up. Seems some little whiner chief managed to rope his jarl daddy into factioning with him by forcing him in with a favor.

I squashed them flat (protip: incorporate other tribal vassals into your calculations!). I then pardoned Dad, but sacrificed his son in a Great Blot with Dad in attendance.
20161216222651_1.jpg
 

Ribbon

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When trying to take the Byzantine Empire during a WC as a Norse/Germanic Emperor of Scandinavia, I was hard pressed to find applicable Claimants. So I searched out a woman with a Weak Claim who was in a coastal castle with her husband, and the eve before the siege was broken, used Assassinate on every courtier in the Court that I could get to (this was before that function was removed), to ensure she'd be taken as RNG spoils. After that, I Concubined her for a millisecond before marrying her off to my oldest son. Her two children from the prior marriage, as well as the adult Basileus, had 'accidents', and the claim war went off without a hitch.
 

Knotz

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Three things from my current game, 1) Western Europe was split, primarily, into two kingdoms, France and Bavaria. Bavaria was larger and their kings remained stubbornly Catholic, combine this with their holy orders and the fact that I'd rather deal with Muslims, Mongols and Aztecs and they were a disproportionate threat to my Orthodox brethren. I noticed an opportunity when the third kingdom in WE, Lotharingia awkwardly wedged between the two, had a female ruler, an elective monarchy, and a son (of a different dynasty) ruling France. There were times when her vassals seemingly wanted her kingly son to rule but she'd keep switching it to a dynasty member. So I killed them. And killed them. And killed them some more until she eventually just gave up and her son remained the elector. Queen Helvis "The Holy" died of depression. She was the last independent Capet ruler. I'm not actually sure I consider this one 'fun.'

2) My daughter was abducted by some horde mofo. I tried being subtle about it at first, taking the intrigue focus and attempting to free her that way but while we made contact with some guy it never went further and in the meanwhile my daughter was having to breed horse lords. So I did what any concerned parent would do and systematically killed the entire family, including the son she had borne from her abductor. They were the Mordvanids.

3) My BFF, Cleopatra the Alchemist, was killed by the Hashashin. I couldn't immediately get to Alamut so I settled for killing successive Grandmasters, over a dozen (assassinating most, killed two in a duel) before I got the county and razed their little hideout. They came back two centuries later, apparently still in Alamut but they haven't killed anyone of mine so I've been tolerating them.

Edit:

Also I got the pirate stealing the recipe for Greek fire so I had him excommunicated, blinded him, castrated him, tortured him three different times, humiliated him, read him bad poetry and then made him the Court Jester.
 

Kumicho

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I was playing a Zoroastrian campaign a year or two ago, and the Caliph would no leave me alone. Every 10 years (or new ruler) he'd attack like clockwork, but I'd gotten big enough that retinues plus 1500g in mercenaries could defeat his doomstack and then capture a few holdings to force the warscore up to 100 (which would replenish my treasury).

So in retaliation, after I'd defeated his doomstacks I (repeatedly) made a beeline for his capital, and could usually capture most of his wives in the assault. I'd make them my concubines until the next war (and capture of wives).

With one ruler I think I had the "spouse snatcher" modifier up to around -200. And he never learned...
 

Notho

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Pretty much the way I play muslims: No lands or wives for anyone except my prefered heir and instant imprison/oubliette for anyone who gets decadent and won't straighten up.
 

Ratstranger

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In one very early playthrough I played as Christian Eric in the War of two Erics in Sweden (on 1066 start). Pagan Eric died, but instead of end of civil war and unification of Sweden. my king's mother inherited the Pagan Eric's part of Sweden as different realm. I guess this happened because I actually started a month later after default start to get the civil war already going, and
rebellious Sweden was counted as independent realm.

Thing is, Norway immediately attacked mother's Sweden. She called me to arms, but her troops failed miserably, and mine had no chance against Norwegian hordes.

After much consideration, I ordered assasination of my character's mother. Courtiers were pretty much pissed with her, so plot took couple of months. After her death Eric inherited whole Sweden, Norway decided not to tangle with unified country.

Ironically, Eric became a very pious ruler, got "Holy" nickname, participated in First Crusade and captured Jerusalem.

I guess, all his life he wanted to redeem himself for killing his own mother in cold blood for political reasons :(
 

Ribbon

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Oh, one time in the AGoT mod, I Ruler Designed a Durrandon w/ Cruel in one of the Andalos counties to try to take the Stormlands back (didn't end up going super well); had 4 children, 2 mediocre males, 1 Strong female, & 1 Genius female as my firstborn. So the day the boys came into the world, I had the midwife gently place them in a prison cell where I ordered them gelded. To be fair, she and her sister were *way* better rulers.
 
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StarSword

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20161224233251_1.jpg
What do you do with a captured Charlie, what do you do with a captured Charlie, what do you do with a captured Charlie, EAR-LIE IN THE MORNING???

I'm playing as Þrandr Haraldrsson, Norse Pagan King of Denmark, and this dead god-worshiping beeyotch decided to wreck my plans to create the Fylkirate by invading Saxony and destroying Irminsul. So when Widukind happened I tried to find some way to help him (partly for my longer-term plan to get Reformed Germanic German Germania, but mostly because Charlie pissed me off). What I hit on was using raiders to make myself hostile to Charlie, so I could join in Widukind's battles.

And then my raiders freaking captured him.

I plan to keep him safely under house arrest, then hold a Great Blot and hang the jumped-up little creep next time they unlock.
 

Worffan101

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I've mentioned this before, but I made a eugenically-bred Malian master race, invaded Ireland, wiped out all those troublesome white people, and proceeded to replace them with African übermensch.

I'm now doing something similar as the Finnish reformed Suomenusko Emperor of the Greater Finnish Empire, by seducing my aunts, concubining my grandmother, and having 27 kids of varying degrees of legitimacy (and counting). One thing I did was sacrifice a particularly annoying rival who just would not stop trying to kill me just because I slept with all 3 of his daughters and his wife and his mom and impregnated them all. Multiple times. Each. This unreasonable git kept starting factions, so I imprisoned him when he started a plot, then releasing everyone else in the dungeon, then hit "worship ancestors".

Seriously, fuck that guy.
 

Urzhail64

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I char created a de Hauteville countess, married Frederick Barbarossa's oldest son (after making sure I committed adultery by having a son out of wedlock and legitimized him so my lands went to him and not a Hohenstaufen. Then I proceeded to seduce Frederick Barbarossa, and ALL of his other sons. AND the Wittlesbach duke of Baiern (she's a sucker for red hair) And cranked out quite a few illegitimate brats (and their claims)

Then I landed a few of them - at this point I'd become the duchess of Sicily and Puglia and eventually Queen of Sicily. Once that was accomplished, I proceeded to press their claims with the backing of a few allies that I'd made by marrying off my illegimate brats to notably France, Aragon and Poland.

Really messed up the HRE that way.

I really do love being a Master Seducer...
 
Last edited:

Notho

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View attachment 227120
What do you do with a captured Charlie, what do you do with a captured Charlie, what do you do with a captured Charlie, EAR-LIE IN THE MORNING???

I'm playing as Þrandr Haraldrsson, Norse Pagan King of Denmark, and this dead god-worshiping beeyotch decided to wreck my plans to create the Fylkirate by invading Saxony and destroying Irminsul. So when Widukind happened I tried to find some way to help him (partly for my longer-term plan to get Reformed Germanic German Germania, but mostly because Charlie pissed me off). What I hit on was using raiders to make myself hostile to Charlie, so I could join in Widukind's battles.

And then my raiders freaking captured him.

I plan to keep him safely under house arrest, then hold a Great Blot and hang the jumped-up little creep next time they unlock.
The gods will be most pleased.
 
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Puking Panda

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Playing a Haraldr Wartooth game and had a "Lower Tribal Organization" revolt flare up. Seems some little whiner chief managed to rope his jarl daddy into factioning with him by forcing him in with a favor.

I squashed them flat (protip: incorporate other tribal vassals into your calculations!). I then pardoned Dad, but sacrificed his son in a Great Blot with Dad in attendance.
View attachment 224997
You forgot to make his wife your concubine.
 
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Reactions: Kumicho and StarSword

StarSword

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You forgot to make his wife your concubine.
Well, I'm pretty sure his entire dynasty died out after that anyway (the other son died of cancer IIRC), so...
 

PyscoJuggalo

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View attachment 227120
What do you do with a captured Charlie, what do you do with a captured Charlie, what do you do with a captured Charlie, EAR-LIE IN THE MORNING???

I'm playing as Þrandr Haraldrsson, Norse Pagan King of Denmark, and this dead god-worshiping beeyotch decided to wreck my plans to create the Fylkirate by invading Saxony and destroying Irminsul. So when Widukind happened I tried to find some way to help him (partly for my longer-term plan to get Reformed Germanic German Germania, but mostly because Charlie pissed me off). What I hit on was using raiders to make myself hostile to Charlie, so I could join in Widukind's battles.

And then my raiders freaking captured him.

I plan to keep him safely under house arrest, then hold a Great Blot and hang the jumped-up little creep next time they unlock.
Would be cool if there was like a special Bolt (or other Pagan sacrifice) event for this where you get a ton of prestige, piety, and religious authority and Catholicism takes a huge religious authority hit.
 

Esben_DRK

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Would be cool if there was like a special Bolt (or other Pagan sacrifice) event for this where you get a ton of prestige, piety, and religious authority and Catholicism takes a huge religious authority hit.
You get that when you sacrifice the leaders of other religions (I have sacrificed the pope a dozen times, it's great fun), but not kings or emperors. Their heirs aren't even pissed that you did it. I tried to get the Orthodox Patriarch after already capturing the Pope and Caliph, for a sort of holy smoke trifecta, but I only got the oldest son and the 15-year-old daughter of the Byzantine Emperor (And a courtier or mayor or something from one of the other holdings). So naturally I sacrificed the son, and took the daughter as my concubine. It was weird that the Emperor was angry about his daughter but not his son.
 

Urzhail64

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Just thought of an refinement to my de Hauteville countess' antics: Marry a husband with Wroth and duelist trait and once she gets tired of a paramour (with major landed titles) and already sprung a brat or two by him...proceed to "slip up" in her adultery with said man so her husband will speed up the process by killing him as a rival. And thereby advance her illegitimate offspring along the path to her now dead paramour's titles. Sort of an roundabout way of murder.

It didn't hurt that the ultimate goal for my de Hauteville countess was to keep the Hohenstaufens out of Sicily..and in the bargain, she got to cause massive chaos in the HRE to boot.

There should be a "Black Widow" achievement for this.
 

FireDevlin

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View attachment 227120
What do you do with a captured Charlie, what do you do with a captured Charlie, what do you do with a captured Charlie, EAR-LIE IN THE MORNING???

I'm playing as Þrandr Haraldrsson, Norse Pagan King of Denmark, and this dead god-worshiping beeyotch decided to wreck my plans to create the Fylkirate by invading Saxony and destroying Irminsul. So when Widukind happened I tried to find some way to help him (partly for my longer-term plan to get Reformed Germanic German Germania, but mostly because Charlie pissed me off). What I hit on was using raiders to make myself hostile to Charlie, so I could join in Widukind's battles.

And then my raiders freaking captured him.

I plan to keep him safely under house arrest, then hold a Great Blot and hang the jumped-up little creep next time they unlock.
"The Bold" no longer. Nice.
 

joos

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This is a general dickishness strategy I adopt. I sometime pick a rebellious vassal, make him my spymaster, and send him to study technology in Constantinople. Any tech points he gives me is a bonus. The real fun is when he gets captured by the Basileus or the Patriarch. They will almost certainly castrate and release the vassal. This move is also great when you want to deal with ambitious, dim-witted half brothers.