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Spittin' Polish

Excerpts from “Anguished Ascendance: the Rise of the Kingdom of Austria”, by Ingtol Blaeuw

It was June of 1463 and Europe had gone mad. Combat raged across the Germanies and France, and smooth diplomatic language of courtiers had been replaced by the clang and groan of iron. [1]

From this distance of time the causes of such widespread conflict are hard to gauge. Most historians simply give up and say "it was a fighting time". Careful analysis however, leads this writer to believe that the true cause of the conflagration -- or at least its scope -- was the ill-starred Austrian policy of spreading military access to the winds. Once Austria started giving access to all requesters, others followed course, and the traditional system of buffer states broke down. How else could Mecklenburg and Pommerania invade Switzerland? And how could Milan lunge for Brandenburg if not through Austria and Wurrtemburg? Certainly there were the wars one might expect in that period: Scotland, and a coalition of French states against Lorraine and Burgundy fighting to determine whether Lothair's legacy would endure; Castille and England against Portugal fighting over fishing rights off Galicia. But even contemporaries marvelled at how Austria seemed almost to disappear from the international scene, and became merely a highway for the wrathful legions of nations heretofore at peace simply because they could not reach one another.

The defining image of this period has to be the Lausitz painting "Escorts", which depicts a column of Badenite soldiers marching through Austria, under the watchful cold eyes of an Austrian cavalry escort. The Austrian captain wears a hard, terse smile, as if to reflect on the irony of "protecting" Badenite soldiery on the way to far Hungary. An observer has to wonder if he is glad that Austria's old foes will now be shedding one another's blood, and will soon lie prostrate before an untouched Habsburg empire.

Whether this was a conscious policy on Austria's part, or an unfortunate side-effect of their policy of neutrality in Germany, history has no answer. For events would soon pull the East-Kingdom out of it's repose.

Shortly after the triumphant war with the Ottoman Empire, Karl Joseph died heirless, and his cousin Ferdinand became King of Austria. Ferdinand was a "man's man", given to hunting and carousing and jesting, quite the foil to his dour predecessor [2]. But he was just as dedicated to the Crusade, and looked with alarm at the massive buildup of Turks near the new Serbian border. Faced with a lack of allies -- the German and Italian states were already wracked by fighting -- the Austrians were forced to turn to the aggressive Poles for an alliance in December of 1463.

Once again the military access issue came to the fore, as the Poles, ever eager to expand their military base against possible threats from the East, almost immediately turned South and declared against the alliance of Transylvania and Hungary. Austria, though not desirous of seeing more Polish advances in the Balkans, was dragged into the conflict, lest they draw the wrath of Poland down on themselves -- after all, this was what the alliance was designed to counter.

Moving with furious speed, Austrian cavalry overwhelmed both small states before the Poles could fully mobilize their far-flung armies. Transylvania was vassalized to Austria, and Hungary forced to pay an indemnity. The Poles were furious when they arrived to see that peace had already been made, but they had no choice but to go along.

In mid-1466 Poland again went to war, this time against Pommerania and Brandenburg. Again the feared Austrian cavalry savagely suppressed the foe, but forced the Poles to let them off with small payments. It was becoming clear to the Poland that Austria's purpose in the alliance was actually to contain Poland. Some few pages of King Zbignew II's diaries exist, and the entries for that period show mounting rage against "those dog-swine Germans" and vowing eventual revenge.

That chance would come sooner than anyone thought.

Next up: 'Gunds, Germans, and Castille.

= = =
Footnotes are mine, not Ingtol's

[1] The phrase "clang and groan of iron" I nicked from an author I can't now remember, who was describing how the language of the proto-Franks was as much German as French, but it's such an evocative phrase that I just had to use it.

[2] As we shall see, the Kings of Austria don't wear well, and tend to have short reigns.
 
Cyrus_The_Great said:
Nice update, good to grab some more of eastern europe.
Not sure how good Austria as a highway is though ;)

Cyrus,

Thanks for dropping by. I was really surprised by the fallout of the military access policy ... I'd dreamed it up as a way to keep the neighboring Germans and Italians off my back while I focused on the Ottomans.

The reasoning being that without access, my neighbors can only attack me; with access, (a) it costs them a diplomat and a heads-up to me before they can try anything, and (b) they can attack all my neighbors too, making the odds better that I won't be the target. I just didn't think that it would spark a general European war. Oops.

A third bonus (which we'll see in an update soon) is that when I get a neighbor split in two by Austria, I gain immense leverage over him. I'm not sure if the game engine takes this kind of situation into account, but even if not there's an advantage for the good guys. If I revoke access, he can no longer support the far province. That opens a number of possibilities there -- in wartime, I can defeat them in detail; in peacetime, I might hope for a nice revolt going my way.

As to Eastern Europe ... it's a weird situation. The most natural place for Austria to expand would be into same-culture German statelets North and Northwest. This has been forestalled by the Crusade. I do not really want huge masses of wrong-culture, wrong-religion Slavs in the Empire (see Johann Leopold comments regarding Serbs), but I have to bring them into the fold just to keep them away from the Otts and maintain a frontier with the hated enemy. It's not easy being the Bulwark of Christendom!

The Poland/Lithuania alliance is pretty intimidating. I'm not at all sure I could take them in a straight-up fight, and I really don't want to. What I really want is for them to keep on fighting East (Crimea, Novgorod, Muscovy), leaving me and my hopefully-soon-to-be-vassalized Germans alone.

Speaking of Germans, my friends in Wurttemburg are the best allies and vassals one could hope for, supporting my every move. They have a nice Bavarian culture, which would fit in well with the Empire [1]. But they just won't join up with Austria ... I can't even remember how much cash I've burned restoring relations after a failed annexation request. [censored].

One more grouse ... can't I get just *one* province without a seacoast or touchy, aggressive neighbor? Sheesh!

-- Ak

[1] So does most of the Palatinat... ;)
 
akaioi said:
Cyrus,

Thanks for dropping by. I was really surprised by the fallout of the military access policy ... I'd dreamed it up as a way to keep the neighboring Germans and Italians off my back while I focused on the Ottomans.

The reasoning being that without access, my neighbors can only attack me; with access, (a) it costs them a diplomat and a heads-up to me before they can try anything, and (b) they can attack all my neighbors too, making the odds better that I won't be the target. I just didn't think that it would spark a general European war. Oops.

A third bonus (which we'll see in an update soon) is that when I get a neighbor split in two by Austria, I gain immense leverage over him. I'm not sure if the game engine takes this kind of situation into account, but even if not there's an advantage for the good guys. If I revoke access, he can no longer support the far province. That opens a number of possibilities there -- in wartime, I can defeat them in detail; in peacetime, I might hope for a nice revolt going my way.

wow you thought that out very well, I never realized how good giving military access was, its actually pretty ingenious.
 
Interlude: Austrian Diplomatic Failures

Scene: Wurttemburg
Dramatis Personae:
Thomas Braunfeld, Diplomat of Austria
Joachim Weldzau, Diplomat of Wurttemburg
Rustem Beyegolou, Diplomat of the Ottoman Empire

[Enter Thomas, Joachim]

Thomas: Joachim, guten tag.
Joachim: Thomas, old friend, good to see you. It must be that time again.
Thomas: Yep, it's time for the annual Request for Annexation. So ... how 'bout it?
Joachim: Wait, let me check my notes
[Joachim takes out a briefing paper and studies it for about 30 seconds]


Joachim: That'll be a "no" again this year, Thomas. Sorry.
Thomas: I don't think you've considered all the benefits of being part of Austria.
Joachim: Such as...
Thomas: Well, protection for one.
Joachim: Protection from who, Thomas, "ze Germans"?
Thomas: ...
Joachim: [Checks calendar] Well, I suppose it's time for you to hurry back to Vienna and prepare the annual Barrage of Diplomatic Gifts.
Thomas: ...
Joachim: Hurry Thomas, before "ze Germans" show up.

[Exeunt]

= = =

Scene: Later that month, in Vienna
Dramatis Personae:
Thomas Braunfeld, Diplomat of Austria
Joachim Weldzau, Diplomat of Wurttemburg
Rustem Beyegolou, Diplomat of the Ottoman Empire
Gerard Duchardain, Diplomat of Burgundy
Javier dos Santos, Diplomat of Castille

[Enter Thomas, Joachim, Rustem]

Joachim: Rusty, my boy, how have you been? How is the family?
Rustem: Thomas, Joachim, my old friends, it is a pleasure. All is well back home in Sivas. Fatima is fine, and the baby is walking already!
Thomas: Wonderful, wonderful. So Rust, what brings you to storied Vienna?
Rustem: It's time for the annual Declaration of Hate from Sultan Suleiyman. [Clears throat, reads from a document] O mangy camel-breathed infidels, the day of your eventual destruction draws nigh (note carefully this is not a declaration of war, more along the lines of a prophecy). Grovel before the Sultan, worms, that you may be among the last to be slain. Rend your beards, Habsburg lapdogs, for -- wait, Thomas, what is that thing on your face?
Thomas: Do you like it? They are doing wonderful things with tinted lenses, to protect from the sun.
Joachim: I've though about getting one myself.
Rustem: But ... it's ... Thomas, it's a monacle.
Joachim: He wears it at night, too. Says it's hip and edgy.
Rustem: Good Lord.
Thomas: It really rakes in the frauleins. It's my secret weapon in the battle of the sexes.
Joachim: Ha. You're not exactly winning the battle of the sexes my friend. You are, at best, holding your own.
Thomas: [Sniffs loftily] Don't listen to him, Rust, he's just jealous.
Rustem: Well boys, I really just dropped in to drop off the DoH. I've got a mission to Naxos, of all places.
Joachim: [Raises an eyebrow] Does this mean you're saying goodbye?
Rustem: [Smiles] By no means. Let's just say ... "so long".
[Exit Rustem]

[Enter Gerard]
Gerard: Gentlemen, I must catch the next boat for Auvergne. I just wanted to thank you two for working with me on those salt tariffs, [Tips his beret] and to say goodbye.
Thomas: [Sighs resignedly, and kisses Gerard full on the lips] This is how we say goodbye in Austria.
[Gerard recoils in shock and horror]
Joachim: And this is how we say goodbye in Germany. [Smashes Gerard in the face with a fist]
Gerard: I liked the Austrian way bett-- I mean, what is the meaning of this? This is an outrage! [Storms out]
Thomas: [Wiping his mouth] Jesu-Maria, we've got to get some better folkways.
Joachim: I don't know, it went over pretty well in the Duchy of Athens.
[Thomas gives Joachim a sour look]

[Enter Javier]
Javier: Cabelleros, please excuse my haste, I must get back to Castilla post-haste. But I did want to stop in and say goodbye...

[Fade to black]
 
Ask and ye shall receive

Hi all

Many apologies for the long, long hiatus. I have had a number of RL issues to deal with, but now am in a position to post again!

And many thanks to Lt. General Tskb18 for the gentle spur.

Enjoy! Serious-themed update coming up.
 
The Avoidance War

Excerpted from "Anguished Ascendance -- the rise of the Kingdom of Austria", by Ingtol Blaeuw

The Avoidance War

Not often in history has a reigning monarch thrown away an empire for fear of a single man. Yet that is precisely what happened in the late 1460s when the inevitable conflict between Turk and Austrian broke out again.

In late April of 1466 the Austro-Turkish border was an armed camp. Serbia -- one of the prizes of the first Austro-Turkish war -- was occupied by von Schonbrunn and with 5000 foot, and Ferdinand I and 10000 horse lately come from the Banat. Across the border was a ring of Turkish steel: Hasan Nevsehirli with 5000/5000/0 in Albania, Abdil-Aziz Serdar with 3000/9000/0 in Macedonia, and Sultan Mehmed V with 2000/8000/0 in Bulgaria. The situation was as a dry field in the summertime -- one spark would be enough to set the entire Balkans ablaze.


1466frontlinesxe2.jpg


That spark was soon to come. Ferdinand and Mehmed met on the border to discuss a possible standing-down on the 4th of May. Their conversation is lost to history, but something unforgiveable must have been said, for by the end of the day it was clear that a state of war existed between the two mightiest nations of the South. The world held its breath for the mighty battle that was to ensue in the morning, and ...

Nothing. For two full months neither side was willing to budge from its carefully prepared defensive lines. Excerpts from Ferdinand's diary (currently displayed in the Museum des Koenigs in Wien) show that he was chary about engaging the superior Turkish numbers in a frontal assault, and was especially wary of young Mehmed, who had built a dangerous military reputation against the Georgians in the East. Likewise Mehmed remembered the shock and terror of his kidnapping by von Schonbrunn shortly before he had risen to succeed his father Suleiyman. Contemporary documents show that the common soldiers referred to this period as the "Sitzkrieg".

But no stasis can last forever. Unwilling to assail the Turk head-on, Ferdinand decided to avoid the Turk where he was strong, and, utilizing the treaties of military access he had with Poland and Lithuania, resolved on a daring raid down the nearly-undefended Black Sea coast of the Ottoman Empire.


1466ferdinandsridefj4.jpg


Leaving Serbia guarded by a mere 5000 foot and von Schonbrunn's reputation, Ferdinand's cavalry forces ravened through the lower Balkans: Silistria, Edirne, Salonika, and Janina were quickly overrun by fast-moving cavalry armies, who quickly spread out across the roads to prevent communications between the Turks' frontier forces and the capital. Contemporary documents show that the common soldiers referred to this period as the "Blitzkrieg".

And still the Turks did not move. Fragments of Serdar's war journal exist, and describe his anguished pleas to his Sultan to move south to engage what they thought were mere raids, but Mehmed was convinced that this was a von Schonbrunn trap, and that were they to weaken the frontier force, 15000 Austrians would crash across the border (it is believed that von Schonbrunn paraded a figure in Ferdinand's court armor in sight of the Turks every few days to keep up the deception). In fact, the Austrians were straining every sinew to reinforce -- not von Schonbrunn, but were sending infantry armies through Oltenia and Wallachia and down into the Empire to reduce the Balkan fortresses.

Ferdinand himself took his army, reinforced back up to 10000 to Thrace and wrecked greivous slaughter on the Turks' regular reinforcement brigades crossing over from Asia. Not a one of them ever made it to Bulgaria. Why the Turks neglected their naval options is unclear, but scholars believe that the truly savage naval battles going on against Georgia were a factor: the ships were urgently needed elsewhere.

This went on for almost two years. The Turks stayed in Bulgaria, Macedonia, and Albania as if nailed to the floor, while Ferdinand chewed away at their empire behind them. In fact, much of this time was spent distributing food, blankets, and seed corn to those local Greeks and Slavs who had always hated their Ottoman overlords. It may be apocryphal, but local legend in the province of Janina holds that at least one starving fortress garrison was induced to surrender by bribes of Austrian delicacies brought by the siege train. Contemporary documents show that the common soldiers referred to this period as the "Blintzkrieg".

The end came when all four provinces' garrisons had surrendered to Ferdinand. The infantry-heavy siege armies decamped to Thrace, while most of Ferdinand's cavalry took their places. The infantry, rested and untroubled by their light duties so far in the war, were spoiling for a fight, and were sent to assault Constantinople. The city's much-vaunted walls were of little use, as local Greeks opened culvert grates, left ropes hanging off battlements, and in a few cases overwhelmed gate guards to lift the invincible portcullises. What followed was perhaps the most polite sack a city ever endured. All private property save that of Serdar and Nevsehirli was left alone, but government buildings and palaces were plundered of all valuables -- gold, rugs, concubines -- which were distributed evenly between the army and the local citizenry (even resident Turks were included in this largesse). As Ferdinand was not planning to occupy Constantinople for long, everything was calculated for maximum humiliation of Mehmed V.

Subsequently Ferdinand moved the bulk of his host to menace Bulgaria from the South. While the exact events of this juncture are not known, it is clear that the Turkish command soon became aware of the extent of the Austrians' depredations. The Turk's problem then was less military -- the Ottoman host could well have fought on with decent prospects of success -- than political. When they found out about the Gracious Sack (as the plundering of Constantinople was even then starting to be called) Nevsehirli and Serdar nearly killed their liege out of humiliation and rage. In these circumstances the Sultan realized that his best move would be to end the war, even at the cost of territory, and restore order, and start rebuilding his prestige. And Mehmed V was no fool ... he was still undefeated in battle with a mighty host at his back, and his peace offer contained a trap of its own.

Edirne, Salonika, and Janina. Take it or leave it.

In a great stroke of historical fortune, there exists a fragment of the diary of Bertold von Stimmer, who was Ferdinand's page at the time. He records the following dialog:

... and the Herzog [1] said "It is a honeyed trap my Lord. How are we to maintain this realm split off from Austria? With this proposal we cannot even link back up to the Polish lands through Silistria." And von Schonbrunn said, "With the state of our Navy, it will be hard to move the Army back to Austria, and harder still to reinforce these lands later." And the Archduke laughed, and said, "We will raise more troops in the heartland. This Army is not going anywhere. This is Austria."


1469peacefh0.jpg


[1] Believed to be Herzog Manfred von Serbien, or Duke of Serbia.

= = =

Next time: Germs, 'Gunds, and Castille. Really! (Unless I throw in another Interlude detailing the fortunes of Austria's Elite Trading Squad)
 
Last edited:
It's alive! And it is good. I like the way you mix a serious-sounding historical narrative with humour (Blintzkreig indeed :)).
 
Feedback-feedback

Merrick, Red Baron, thanks for the good words! I'm happy to be back in the saddle.

Central Germany is still a mess. As you'll see in an update or two, the Holy Father had to step in and kick some butt. The Shield of Germany was fatally embarrassed after the War of Wurrtemburgian Encirclement [1], and the alliance collapsed.

The problems in Germany stem from two main sources. First, Poland and Lithuania are very, very strong and keep meddling, instead of focusing East as they are supposed to. Second, Austria has been so focused on the Turks that little attention has been paid to sorting things out in the Fatherland, and in the absence of legitimate (read Austrian) authority, the minors exhaust themselves in pointless internecine warfare. The kids will play. Some teasers:

Just wait till you see what happens in the Eye of Salzburg!

Expect to see some action by the (lovely, accepted-in-Austria Bavarian-cultured) Palatinat.

Mecklenburg becomes a colonial power. Zoinks!

Hmm ... after the next update (Austria Fiendishly Attacked by Fiendish Fiends) we'll have to do a Europe overview.

Cheers,
Ak
P.S. I expect to make an update today or tonight ... I'm trying to perfect the next installment, which I've been dying to write since I got my inspiration.

P.P.S. Merrick, I really enjoyed your "Snapshots" and "Borgundian" AARs. I found them a few weeks ago and printed them out to read on the bus. Great work! I've been in the habit of only reading finished reports, but that may have to change as I've found how much I appreciate hearing from readers myself.

[1] That is what the Austro-Wurrtemburgian alliance calls the war. I'm sure the States Formerly Known as the Shield of Germany have some other name for it, like "2nd War of Austrian Aggression" or some such foolishness. Especially Bavaria. What remains of Bavaria is quite bitter over the whole business, though the Niederbayernese seem happy enough clasped to the warm bosom of the East-Kingdom.
 
'Gunds, Germ'ns, and Castille


hoichefkr0.jpg


"Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are"
-- Brillat-Savarin
"Let me look at your shirt, and I will tell you what you ate"
-- Mrs. Brillat-Savarin

[Camera zooms in on a Japanese man (Chairman Kaga) with poufy hair and an incredible kaleidoscopic outfit. He is standing in front of a dias covered by a cloth]

Kaga: If memory serves ...


kagatl2.jpg


[Audience goes nuts]

Kaga: ... there are a few times in history when a culinary empire lies waiting for the first to sieze it. 9 August 1473 was one such time, when Phillippe IV of Burgundy and his ally Hernando of Castille decided that the honor of Latin cuisine was threatened by the prestige of the Austrian kitchen. Phillippe vowed that the peasants of Germany would develop a properly French palate, and led his invincible men of culinary skill over the border into an unprepared, isolated Breisgau. Would king Ferdinand and his Austrians be able to rally? Would the Tirol abandon their Kugelkaese for Montrachet forevermore? Whose cuisine reigns supreme?

[Audience goes nuts]

Kaga: Allez ... CUISINE!

[Audience goes absolutely berserk]

Fukui, food critic: Ota, report!

Ota, floor reporter: The initial invasion went well for the Burgundians; they swamped the border guard with an overwhelming barrage of parfaits, but the local garrison is holed up in the fortress, defiantly munching on sauerkraut, hoping for relief.

Fukui: And the Steiermark Expeditionary Kitchen?

Ota: They're in Wurttemburg, ready to attack. They're just waiting for the Chairman to unveil the theme ingredient.

Netsuke Onabono, Japanese B-list acrtress: [Titters]

Hattori, head of Culinary Academy: It all comes down to the theme ingredient. The war has just begun, and both sides are eager to get down to it.

Kaga: For thousands of years, the fields and meadows of western Europe have been home to the aromatic fragrances of herbs [... much time passes ...] and so today's theme ingredient is: TARRAGON !

Ito Kabasaka, Japanese rap artist: That would favor the Burgundians, right Hattori?

Hattori: Definitely. Austrians favor bold flavors, beef broths and the like. I think they're in for a rough afternoon.

[von Felder, the Austrian head chef, is trying to rally the troops, but it is clear that they're being overwhelmed by the savory odors coming over from the Burgundian side of Kitchen Stadium. Mistakes are made, and concentration lapses]

Ota: I'm down here in the trenches, and it looks like Phillippe is making his move. He's got some ground tarragon in a bowl, and he's adding parsley, chervil, lovage, thyme, chives, ... AND dill! He's going for the shoot-the-moon, a full-frontal fines-herbes.

Hattori: I wonder if the Burgundians aren't playing their hand too soon. Fines-herbes ... shouldn't that wait until the confrontation with Ferdinand?

Fukui: I have to disagree, Hattori. I think the Burgundians want to display dominance early.

Netsuke: [Titters]

Ota: von Felder is clearly struggling. How can he hope to marinate pork medallions in tarragon and wine in the time he has?

von F: Ota, will you get that @#$@#$$@# camera out of my face? I'm trying to let a quiche rise!

Netsuke: But isn't quiche more of a French dish?

Hattori: Correct, Netsuke. I think von Felder is getting flustered.

[... frenzied cooking ...]

Ota: And that's the final bell. The tarragon battle is OVAH!

THE TASTING

Fukui: This Burgundian omlette aux fines herbes just melts in my mouth.

Ito: I don't know much about food, but this tarragon ice cream is superb!

Netsuke: [Titters] It makes my mouth happy.

Ota: [Aside] I do all the work and I don't even get to taste the food.

Philippe: [Bows to judges] I trust all is satisfactory.

Hattori: You have truly captured what tarragon is all about.

von F: [Pale and shaking, bows to judges] Well, I've done my best.

Fukui: Hmm. The quiche fell.

[von F looks downcast]

Hattori: And the medallions are not properly infused with the herb ... the wine sort of took over.

[von F grimaces]

Netsuke: And the tarragon brie sauce for waffles ... well I thought it was too cheesy. I don't like cheese.

[von F has nothing to say, but watches glumly as the entire garrison comes out of the fortress to sample Phillippe's Chicken Tarragon.]

Kaga: Well that about wraps it up. The Austrian faction has suffered a major defeat here, due to their lack of understanding of herbes fines. We'll see if Ferdinand can turn it around in the next battle.

[fade]

= = =

The Kuchekampf raged for three long years. Ferdinand surprisingly did not immediately rush to succour Breisgau, but instead slipped past the Burgundians (via German lands the Burgundians had no access to) and launched an all-out assault on the pantries of northern Burgundy. Hired caterers were arranged to help the Wurrtemburgers "entertain" the Burgundians in Breisgau and Wurttemburg itself.

The northern campaign went well at first; Austria's Huge Culinary Expeditionary Force rampaged through Luxemburg, Koln, and Munchen in a quick set of battles (beef stock, lamb, and turnips, respectively ... the effete high-brow Burgundians didn't have a chance), but the pressure-cooker of the South was too intense. Burgundian chefs had been seen in Tirol and Konstanz, and the entire west of Austria and Wurttemburg were rapidly collapsing under Burgundian onslaught. The HCEF had to be recalled to defend the core lands.

= = =

Ota: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Yes!

Hattori: It looks like both sides are really putting it to the enemy, but severely lacking in the home defense category.

Ota: Just so. But it looks like that is about to change ... both armies are converging on Niederbayern, whoever gets there first will have the advantage of pre-bribed serving and bussing staff.

Ito: I just wanna know what the secret ingredient is.

Kaga: [ ... rambles on for about a month ...] The theme ingredient is ... BARLEY!

Netsuke: [Titters] Is that like rice?

Hattori: It's "barley" any different, my dear. I think that the Austrians have arrived first, but just by a hair. Ota, report.

Ota: Yes, the Austrians are pottering about with large metal vessels. I think we'll see a lot of stews. Looks like the Burgundians are just arriving, out of breath and off-balance.

Phillippe: [Puffing] Orge? Quel suis-je a supposé pour faire avec l'orge?

Netsuke: What's he saying?

Ito: Sit over by me, I'm good with tongues.

Netsuke: [Titters]

Hattori: I think he's saying he doesn't know what to do with barley. From what we've seen, the Burgs have a larger supply of exotic ingredients in their arsenal, but nobody cooks up basic ingredients with as much elan as the Austrians. And they always bring a *lot* of kitchen staff.

[... frenzied cooking ...]

Ota: Looks like we're just about done. The Burgundians have rolled out a fairly standard lineup of barley pilaf, barley ice cream, and mushrooms stuffed with barley paste.

Hattori: And what is the final Austrian lineup?

Ota: Hmm ... a nice barleystrudel, barley stew, barleyschnitzel (mmm!), and let's see, they're opening that unusual large cannister, and it's... oh. my. God.

Hattori: What is it man?

Ota: [In a reverent whisper] It's ... beer. [Screaming] OH MY GOD IT'S BEER THEY'VE BREWED BEER IN 60 MINUTES! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?


beermachine2000wc8.jpg


Hattori: [Leaps to his feet] This is unprecedented!

Ota: It's a madhouse down here! Even the burgundian chefs are clustered around the steam-powered pressure-stein, clamoring for a taste. Oh Lord this one is OVAH!

Hattori: The entire Armee Culinaire dans Breisgau has passed out drunk. They'll never dare show their faces in a kitchen again. Breisgau is saved.

Netsuke: This makes me proud to be Japanese.

= = =

The culinary clash continued. Having freed Breisgau, Ferdinand struck West into the heartland of Burgundy. France Comte fell quickly ... the thin garrison had no answer for Ferdinand's sword-kabobs. Borgogne was also overrun in a quick Cabbage Battle. The true test would come in Nevers where Burgundian general le Fontaine would meet Ferdinand in a fierce Mushroom Battle, which we join in progress...

Ferdinand: [Screaming] Mince, damn you, mince!
Highlander Mercenary Chef: The ovens are buckling captain, they canna take much more o' this!
Fähnrich Zerdrücker: Maybe if we reverse the polarity of the steam crockpot...
Ferdinand: Adjutant, please execute Fähnrich Zerdrücker. [Looks over at le Fontaine, and murmurs] He's intelligent, but inexperienced. His pattern indicates two-dimensional thinking.

[Ferdinand whispers to a busboy, who sneaks over to the Burgundian side and switches the labels on salt and sugar, olive oil and grappa]

le Fontaine: I will avenge my defeat in Koln. DO YOU HEAR ME FERDINAND! FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL I STAB AT THEE!

Ota: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Yes!

Ota: It looks like Ferdinand's ruse is working. le Fontaine has picked up the bottle labeled "Olive Oil" and is shaking it over a sizzling hot pan. But it's the switched grappa bottle. The high alcohol content of the liqueur has started a fire and instantly carbonized le Fontaine's Fricassée de Champignons des Bois! I don't think the Burgundian position in Nevers can recover from this debacle.

Netsuke: This makes me proud to be Japanese.

Hattori: Will you stop saying that?

le Fontaine: Mes champignones! I am slain!

Ferdinand: I've done far worse than kill you, le Fontaine. I've hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me... marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead entree, buried alive. Buried alive.

[Camera focuses on le Fontaine then zooms rapidly backward]

le Fontaine: FERDINAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!

= = =

Hattori: Ota! What about the Spanish? What are they doing in the war? I understand that they have some devastating new ingedients from the New World.

Ota: Surprisingly the Spanish haven't really done much. All they've done is landed a regiment or two a few times in Krain, dropped off some soggy paellas and left. The local Austrian forces catapault the occasional store-bought microwave pound-cake at their ships, but there's been no real action.

Fukui: Almost as if they didn't really care much for the war.

Hattori: Exactly. They are Burgundian allies, but they are not really interested in fighting Austria. They have a lot on their plates in the New World.

[A courier comes up to Ota and whispers feverishly to him. Ota blanches, and has a whispered conference with Kaga himself]

Netsuke: What's going on?

Ota: There was another battle, in the French Comte, while this one was going on. Phillippe and 25,000 caterers descended on the 8,000 strong occupation force, and the theme ingredient was wine. Red wine. It was a massacre. We can't even show this one.

Fukui: And how did Ferdinand react?

Ota: I believe he screamed "PHILIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPE!!!!" with an echo effect while the camera panned out from him. Then he sent for von Schonbrunn, who is speeding toward Borgogne with all his forces.

Hattori: Interesting move. von Schonbrunn has been working with coffee, lately assimilated from the former Turkish provinces. But he's left the Northern border with the Ottomans undefended.

Netsuke: But isn't there still a truce?

Ito: Truces can be broken.

Netsuke: Oooh, intruige. [Titters] This makes me proud to be Japanese.

Hattori: [Fed up] Will you PLEASE stop saying that? Japan hasn't even been discovered yet!


hattorijd3.jpg

Netsuke and Hattori


Netsuke: It hasn't? But ... I mean ... I live there.

Hattori: Never mind.

Fukui: Back to the point, this could be a disaster for either side. Ferdinand is isolated from Austria, and is hardly the chef that Phillippe is. But if he and von Schonbrunn can catch Phillippe between them, well.

[Another courier runs up to Ota, and much whispering ensues]

Ota: More late-breaking news! Phillippe of Burgundy has offered a white peace! He says he's made his point. Ferdinand, what do you say?

Ferdinand: [Makes a huge sigh of relief] Yeah, he'd better run. Ahem. I mean, it was an honor to match ladles with a master such as he.

Kaga: Honor satisfied on both sides, I call this struggle closed.


drawse3.jpg

The war is a draw!

[CURTAIN]
 
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So ... what was that about?

What the heck was that last update about? Well, shortly after the last Ottoman war, we were happily doing peaceful Austrian things (building workshops, sending out traders who will inevitably fail, preparing for the next Ottoman war, bribing Germans, etc), and then out of nowhere Burgundy and Castille bushwhacked us.

It was the hardest war I've ever fought, and I must have lost upwards of 20,000 men battling across Burgundy, Germany, and (sadly) my own territory. You would not *believe* what a madman Phillippe is in cookery. Er, combat. And just when things were looking REALLY grim, the Burgundians offered a white peace.

A completely, utterly pointless war. But it was so hard-fought that I couldn't let it go by without a major AAR effort.
 
Pause for breath

Let's take a look at the central Germany in mid-September of 1470, shortly before the War of Burgundian Pointlessness...

overview1470xt5.jpg

Things to note:

The Holy Father, fed up with the fecklessness of Central Germany, has had to ... take steps. That's right, all that red in the Eye of Salzburg and Southern Palatinat ... is the Papal State.

As you can see, it's all minors up there. The serious states are Bohemia (tan), the Palatinat (cyan), and Mecklenburg (almost identical cyan, a bit to the north).

Now let's take a look at the situation at the end of 1477, some three years after the Burgundian war:

overview1477arh1.jpg

Things to note:

Muenster (orange) is now a pretty serious prospect within Germany.

The Palatinat has dared to defy His Holiness and is at war with them. This marks them down for eventual retribution in the eyes of the hyper-Catholic Austrians.

France has annexed Baden. Hey, that's our job! This marks France down for eventual retribution in the eyes of the hyper-anti-Badenite Austrians. They've also (somehow) taken over the isolated pocket of Hesse.

Poland also has its grubby mitts on some of OUR German states. Sadly, they're our ally at the moment, but this certainly marks them down for eventual retribution in the eyes of the hyper-possessive Austrians.

Not that we ever would, being the hyper-Catholic Austrians and all, but do note that if we chose to close our fist we could hamstring the Papal State by revoking access. Not that this helps us with control of the Curia ... or does it? In 1477 I noticed by accident that we were the Papal Controller. Sweet! That's like free reputation in the bank.

Wurttemburg is just sitting there, insolently unannexed. Thomas is pretty steamed about this.

Bohemia is starting to get mighty, and yet they have not even had the decency to be inherited by us. This marks them down for eventual retribution in the eyes of the hyper-inheritive Austrians.

We note in passing that Venice *does not have overseas possessions*. They have a nice vest-pocket empire in Italia and they control Dalmatia. This marks them down for eventual retribution in the eyes of the Austrians, just on general principles.

Let us also take a peek at the Balkans:

overview1477bjp5.jpg

While we were busy in the West, the Ottomans have been on the march along the Adriatic coast. They are doing this just to irritate the hyper-anti-Turks-in-Europe Austrians.

This marks them down for immediate retribution.

Next update: No Balkan, just do it!
 
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Gearing up for a big one...

Kanil, thanks for the accolades... when people enjoy the story it makes me proud to be Japanes-- er, wait, well, you know what I mean. ;) I take it that it was the "Hearts of Iron ... Chef" installment that you liked? I got the idea the first time I saw the HOI logo, and have been dying to use it.

Too bad about Fähnrich Zerdrücker, but, well, it is not wise to distract the Chef during the critical phase of a battle.

Update coming up. It has Turks! It has battles! It has bizAAR twists!

Ak
 
Oh, say can you Sivas

Rustem sat slightly bowed in a chair on the verandah of his modest villa in Sivas, watching the Sun rise. How had it come to this? Disaster after disaster had plagued the Empire, and now this.

The current war had started, like they all did, over some damn fool thing in the Balkans. The Austrians, so innocent, almost childlike in their certainty of victory, had overrun every European possession of the Sultan. Even their devil lackey lapdogs of Wurttemburg had gotten in on the action. After so many years alternately fighting and negotiating with the Germans, the Turks had started to be able to distinguish their sub-tribes. The Wurttemburgers always sent small contingents to Austria's wars, and they fought like madmen. Even the Jannisaries were impressed.

Bah. It didn't matter, not anymore. There'd been some hope of victory or at least stalemate while the Germans were held on the European side, and we held Thrace, but when the never-sufficiently-to-be-damned Novgorodians (and where did they come from? I am the best diplomat the Sultan has, and not even I know where they come from) sent a fleet to clear the Bosporous, the Austrians had poured into Asia Minor like a tidal wave.

Oh, there'd been a ray of hope even then. Mehmed V knew that the Austrians couldn't face Turks on even terms, and had drawn up a mighty host of 15,000 in Bursa to stop the infidel. The last great Ottoman army. They were better than the Austrians, and they knew it. He snorted. Turns out the Austrians didn't know it. The battle had started out well ... the Austrians were losing at least 7 men to every 3 Turks; no sane, human army would tolerate that kind of exchange rate. But the iron discipline of the devil Austrians would not waver; they just kept coming and kept coming. Rustem knew, he'd been there. And then it happened. In the face of that crazed elan, with bloodthirsty Austrians climbing over the piles of their own dead just to reach the foe, it happened. For the first time in history, the Jannisaries broke and fled the field.

That had burst the dam. Following the doctrine of "off-balancing" laid down years ago by the fanatic Karl-Johann Habsburg and his arthritic ape von Schonbrunn, the Austrians had immediately split off their entire cavalry contingent to pursue the defeated Turks and harried them mercilessly across the length and breadth of Angora and Anatolia, never giving them a moment's rest or a chance to regain their equilibrium. Buoyed by victory after smashing victory, the Austrian horse had ground the disheartened Imperial Guard down to almost nothing. And to make matters worse, reports came that the King of Poland himself was leading a contingent into the Empire. The Sultan had dispatched Rustem to go back to Sivas to try to raise mercenaries, tribesmen, militia, anything that would stem the tide. He'd only gotten in late last night, and would begin the work when the Sun was fully up. For all the good it would do.

And then a noise. Horses. Rustem stood, picking up his scimitar -- in these unsettled days, it was unwise not to have a weapon within arms' reach. A string of gleaming knights, perhaps twenty strong, rounded the villa's outbuildings. Their leader held up a fist to stay his men, and galloped down upon Rustem, the red-white-red Austrian banner snapping from the point of his lance. The lance-head gleamed red in the dawn light, looking as if it already had his heart's blood on it. Rustem prepared himself for death, and wondered what he would say to the Prophet.

But then ... the rider seemed to give a start in the saddle and pulled up in a clatter of hooves, sending clouds of dust everywhere, his lance-point stopping less than a foot from Rustem's unarmored chest.

"Don't taunt me Avusturyali [1], finish it!" shrieked Rustem.

The rider raised his lance to parade position and removed his helmet. Rustem reeled in shock, and lowered his scimitar.

"Thomas! What--"

"By the living God, Rustem, I've been looking everywhere for you. We are going to finish it. You and I are going to stop the war." Gone was the foolish junior diplomat; Thomas spoke with the confidence of a blooded knight.

The older man rubbed a hand across his brow, trying to concentrate his flittering thoughts. Brought back from the brink of death, it took some moments to re-anchor one's soul to the body.

"This is all too much. Come, join me on the verandah. Fatima!" Rustem knew his wife from their many years together, it was beyond doubt that she was watching this little playlet from inside the house. Thank the Prophet (peace be upon him) that she wouldn't have to witness his martyrdom this day. "Fatima! Bring coffee for my friend Thomas of Austria and his men!"

He turned back to Thomas, who had now dismounted, and led him to the verandah. "Why ever are you looking for me? And how can the two of us -- an old, broken courtier and a young wolf in diplomat's clothing -- stop this war?"

Thomas made hand gestures to his men, half of whom moved to set up a perimeter. The remainder simply waited in the dusty path leading to the villa's main house. "Rust," Rustem had never liked the nickname, but what was to be done? "Here's the basic problem. Austria is sworn upon the ghost of Saint Leopold to free all of Europe from your Empire, yes?"

"Yes, I think we are all quite aware of that by now, my friend."

"And the Sultan will not under any circumstances give up Istanbul, correct?"

"Thomas, it is our capital, nicht wahr? [2]"

"No no, don't give me that look, it's not like I don't understand your reluctance. But it will forever be a bone of contention between Austria and the Ottoman Empire."

"It's even worse than that. The Sultan has sworn on the honor of the House of Osman never to leave Europe."

"Exactly!" Thomas beamed. "Therein lies the solution."

"Don't dance around the point, Thomas. You're not old enough for old courtier tricks. What exactly do you have in mind?"

"All right. Are you sitting down?"

"Thomas!"

"Sorry," said Thomas, with a kind of manic glee. "Just this: YOU are going to overthrow the House of Osman!"



[1] Austrian
[2] "Not true?" Rustem is a suave old devil, of course he speaks German.

NB: Yes, this is a cliff-hanger.
 
Having just re-read your update before the update before last, all I have to say is <snork> :D

Inspired, just inspired.

akaioi said:
the War of Burgundian Pointlessness...
Continent=-spanning wars in which men die by the thousand, cities burn by the dozen and absolutely nothing is resolved are something of a feature of v1.3. Something of a feature of real history too, come to think of it...

While we were busy in the West, the Ottomans have been on the march along the Adriatic coast. They are doing this just to irritate the hyper-anti-Turks-in-Europe Austrians.
Surely that should be on the munch? Not that it seems to have done them much good. Is that a turbo-annex I see before me?