021. What, we’re still in one place?
Südliche Oberkommando der Wehrmacht, Munich
April 22, 1942
Bernau and Gitler had spent the whole day reviewing operations in Yugoslavia, past, current and future. It was nearly enough to drive any man mad, but especially one with as little time for fools as Bernau. It was some time just after dinner at the moment, which had been Bernau’s second respite from Gitler that day, after lunch. With a sigh, Bernau rolled his neck and shoulders before his gaping mouth turned into a yawn. He shifted his gaze to look at Gitler. The man seemed haggard, which was no surprise. Bernau was sure that it was an accomplishment to survive his scathing comments and criticisms about operations for so long. Bernau stood up with Gitler as the latter began to pack his maps and charts and orders of battle to clap him half-kindly on the back of his shoulder. Gitler smiled tightly at him before sketching a quick salute and leaving. Bernau, alone in the evening again, could not help but cast his mind back to the several memorable episodes of the day, which had begun virtually as soon as the day had…
“And on the twelfth, Volkmann began his attack toward Zagreb with two corps, sir. They seem to be the same divisions that Guderian had outfought at Maribor the previous week, during our initial push. I wonder how the Yugoslavs managed to do it.”
“What do you mean? Do what?”
“Get there so quickly. There’s no road between Maribor and Zagreb.”
“What? Your map here shows that there
is one!”
“It does?” Gitler became a bit embarrassed at this and searched the map with a magnifying glass. “Oh, so it does. Hmm, that’s fascinating. I did not know this.”
Bernau had been stunned. Here he was, two and a half weeks into a campaign they had essentially planned jointly and Gitler was only discovering an important road
then. Bernau had sighed with exasperation and disbelief. “What?! How did you not know this?”
Gitler looked askance at Bernau. “Well, to be fair, sir, our operational plan doesn’t take straight north-south roads like that into consideration. Both 2nd Panzer Army and 8th Army go northwest-southeast. Maybe Lützow knew of this road, given his penchant for sending logistics all over the place. You should ask him.”
“Your first plan for the invasion had the 2nd Panzer and 8th Armies going west-east all the way down the country like they were some sort of double helix! You had the 2nd Panzer going Maribor-Zagreb-Rijeka-Banja Luka-et cetera and the 8th going Ljubljana-Zagreb-Maribor-Bjelovar-Banja Luka-Split-et cetera. The hell you didn’t know about it!”
“Oh. I guess I forgot then. I have the wonderful ability to forget irrelevant information.”
“But it’s not irrelevant, obviously! Seeing how the Yugoslavs might and indeed did use that road at all!”
“Please, sir, let’s not play the ‘blame game,’ as they call it…”
“I loathe you, Gitler. You know that, right?”
“Yes, sir.”
It had only been just after breakfast.
The battle for Zagreb.
“And on the 14th, Leeb attacked Banja Luka with his corps, having arrived first at Zagreb. Two Yugoslav divisions oppose him, led by that Simovic character. To be honest, in this picture we have of him, he looks a bit like Hitler…”
“He what? Give me that!”
Bernau had looked closely at the picture before discarding it. “No he doesn’t!”
“Well, maybe it’s a bad picture then. We should get another one.”
“Shall I just sent a messenger across the lines to give him this message, then?”
“Sir, are you being sarcastic?”
“How could you tell?”
“You’re glaring at me.”
Bernau had indeed been glaring. The clock had not yet even struck 11:00.
the battle for Banja Luka.
“…and Geyr von Schweppenburg was still enmeshed in the fighting around Zrenjanin on the 15th. He was performing a daring breakthrough action that led to an encirclement four days later, on the 19th. He’s still fighting outmanned and outgunned, basically outnumbered in every way. But he’s not being outfought, because he has a great outfit under his command! Not to mention that outfit he’s wearing, that had in particular is particularly dashing…”
“Gitler. What?”
“Uhh, never mind, sir. Geyr von Schweppenburg is fighting well, he’s outfight—err, he’s beating the Yugoslavs despite their superior numbers.”
“All right, I guess. I still don’t understand where you were going with that little spiel before, however. Have you had too much coffee to drink?”
“Just forget it, sir.”
“How about we break for an early lunch, normal return time? I think I need some extra time to myself to recover from an entire morning spent with you.”
“Sounds good to me, sir! I’ll just visit that little café and work on seducing that cute little waitress. An hour is never long enough but now that I’ve got nearly two…”
“Gitler, that’s too much information.”
“Sorry, sir.”
It had been 12:00 by that time, and Bernau had been glad that he would not see Gitler for two hours.
The battle for Zrenjanin, as reported on the 15th.
The two hours had come and gone and again the two were conferring. “Sir, I must lodge a complaint.”
“What sort of complaint?”
“Against reality.”
“What?”
“Just bear with me, sir. If you look at this map and then compare it to the progress reported by Guderian and Geyr von Schweppenburg, to take two examples, what would you assume?”
“I’d assume that they’d be pushing the enemy back pretty steadily.”
“Yes, quite steadily. In fact, steadily enough that they should both be approaching Nis by now! But they’re not! We all know that movement is attack, but what about actually entering the damn towns and cities and fighting in them as well, rather than just on the approaches? It could revolutionize warfare! Guderian could fight everywhere between the Danube River and the, err, the Danube River! On the other side of Belgrade, as this case would be.”
Bernau had shook his head, with a puzzled and disbelieving expression on his face. “What?”
“You know what, sir? Never mind. The point of the matter is that both Guderian and Geyr von Schweppenburg should both be bearing the outskirts of Nis but they’ve not yet actually taken Belgrade or Zrenjanin yet, respectively.”
“So who’s fault is that?”
“As I implied earlier, I blame this reality we are stuck in.”
“O-okay, then, Gitler. Shall we move along?”
“Please.”
Lunch had only just ended.
The campaign plan on the 17th.
“Sir, on the 18th Leeb sent in a strange message about the hills having eyes that aided him in his fight…”
“Oh right, that sort of thing. Well, he thinks he’s better at fighting in hills. As long as he does, I don’t care what he thinks. Too bad he can’t get better at crossing rivers, though. He seems to be stuck on that Danubian tributary for a long time.”
“Yes, yes. I can envisage it now: ‘river crosser.’ He becomes skilled at crossing rivers, being exactly a third better at crossing them than other generals save perhaps engineers.” Awe had entered into Gitler’s voice. “Imagine if he was an engineer too! Rivers would pose as much a threat to an offensive as a toothpick!”
“Gitler, you’re beginning to frighten me. What are you talking about? Where are you getting these numbers, these ideas from?”
“You know how rooms tend to have four walls?”
“Some of them, yes.”
“I’m trying to break one of them.”
“Which—no, never mind. I won’t ask. Let’s just move on.”
By that point lunch had seemed like years ago to Bernau.
Leeb became a hills fighter.
“Ooh, sir, we have another cryptic message! This one is from, of all people, Guderian!”
“Read it to me, Gitler.”
“Hmm, ahhh…I’ll just summarize it. He says that he enjoys assaulting people with his fists to make them fight harder, concluding that this makes him an assaulter and that a he can launch more assaults because of it.”
“What? Give me that!”
Bernau had snatched the message from Gitler’s hands and scanned it, but found that it had indeed been generally as Gitler had said. There had been no mention of assaulting people with his fists, however, but rather a general enjoyment of simply assaulting people. Nevertheless, Bernau had been slightly frightened. “Err, all right then. We’ll just pretend we never read this, and if Guderian wants to make more frequent assaults, good on him. Are you in agreement?”
“Yes. Though I’d love to assault Belgrade castle and save that princess…”
“What? Does Belgrade even have a castle, much less a princess? What if she’s in another castle?”
“Well, uhh, shall we continue?”
“Fine.”
That had been in the mid-afternoon, and the prospect of several more hours with Gitler had made Bernau’s head hurt and his mind weep.
Guderian became an assaulter.
“Sir, we only have one more report to go through today!” Gitler had sounded so excited.
“Excellent! What is it?”
“Err, another personal report, sir. I don’t know why they all started cropping up all of a sudden. This one is from Geyr von Schweppenburg, and just arrived today. He says that he likes hugging people a lot, and that because his arms are strong he by default becomes a good encircler. Since, as he logically points out, by hugging someone you are encircling that person with your arms.”
“I’m a bit worried by this epidemic of oddity, to be honest.”
“Do you think it’s the water?”
“What?”
“We all know the people of the Balkans are odd and unreasonable, right? Maybe it’s the water. Leeb, Guderian and Geyr von Schweppenburg have definitely drunk the water in Yugoslavia, given that all three are attacking over rivers. Just hope that they never become unreasonable.”
“Err, yes. Well, I guess that’s it with the reports. Do you have anything more to say before we go on to discussing future operations in Yugoslavia?”
“When is dinner?”
Dinner had been, at that point, unfortunately distant.
Geyr von Schweppenburg became an encircler. Hugging does that to you, apparently. Always hug people.
Bernau shook his head. Though nothing more stood out for him, that had been a quite eventful day. But it had made him quite tired, and Bernau decided that there was nothing left to keep him to his headquarters after everyone else of direct importance to him had left. With a sigh and a stretch, Bernau walked out the door.