Chapter Two - Upon The Trouble With Avignon
Woe to the nations that rise up against my people; the Lord Almighty will punish them on the day of judgement; he will give them over to fire and worms in their flesh; in pain they shall weep forever.
Judith 16:17
Welcome to Chapter Two, ladies and gentlemen! I've decided that I'll write this in the majestic plural. I hope that doesn't grind anyone's gears!
We started by first raising a cavalry unit and an infantry unit. Two galleys soon followed - We want to have one of the bigger navies in the Mediterranean. That seems like a reasonable early-game goal. Hopefully, being on a narrow peninsula, having a strong navy will help sink enemy armies before they can land ashore. Avoiding pitched battles whenever possible is a good thing.
Alas, how the fates frowned upon us. Just a few weeks into the game our beloved friends to the south, Naples, sent us an unwelcome gift. Oh - We should note - WE HATE SURPRISES. Grumble grumble grumble. Anyways, they declared war on the Ottoman Empire (and so also Serbia and Bosnia) and asked us to join. Well this is a predicament. We offered the alliance, so we cannot just drop out just a few weeks later - that would be weak and cowardly of us. We like to hide our cowardice on the inside - so we agreed to war.
So our plan was initially just to sit tight. One lesson we learned from EU2 was not to get involved in a land war against the Ottomans unless you know for sure you can beat them. We knew that we could not beat them - so we decided the best course of action would be to sit idly by and twiddle the papal thumbs.
But wait - what's this? The Ottoman navy is locked in a long battle in the Adriatic? Well now, this is a great opportunity for us to sweep in and get maximum glory at minimum risk. Let's blockade the Sea of Marmara! That'll teach the Turks! They'll be unable to get units from Anatolia into the Balkans, so the Neapolitans will only have to contend with whatever force(s) are already there, without fear of reinforcements! Quick, let's get at it before someone else comes and steals my thunder!
So our navy was in place, Naples was winning battle after battle in northern Greece and Albania, and everything seemed to be going so well! But what is this now? Naples signed a white peace with the Ottomans, despite having a war score of ~10-15%. Is this a common thing in EU3? Anyways, We are not amused.
Shortly after that little adventure We saw that we had a mission to teach puny, pathetic little Avignon a lesson. Evidently they hadn't gotten over the whole anti-pope snafu, so We were told by the Divine that we would be rewarded if we put an end to their delusions of relevancy. That should be easy, we thought to ourselves. We'll ask France for access and send our armies there by sea! But first...where is Avignon? Southern France somewhere, we knew that, but it was so inconsequential in the 1400s that it was not only a one province state clinging to dear life, but a comically small one at that. Where, you might ask, is Avignon?
So without further ado we asked France for military access and they agreed. Good. So far everything went according to plan. Well, one little oversight quickly came to the surface. While We had quite a few galleys, we only had two transport ships. So We spent the better part of a year transporting units two by two (like animals into the ark!) from the port of Ostia to the beautiful beaches of Languedoc. We also lacked a leader - so We called upon His Holiness himself to lead the way! He wasn't much of a warrior, but was the best that could be found on short notice.
Soon We were ready to strike. We send a diplomat to Avignon and say really mean things - your father was a hamster and your mother smelled of elderberries, stuff of that sort. They didn't like that very much.
Tant pis, as the lord of Languedoc's descendants would say. We declared war and asked our friendly allies to take part - Milan in particular might be useful. Alas, all four answer with a resounding no. That makes us very displeased! Especially you, Naples! We took your side against the bloody Ottoman Empire and you won't even back us up against a one province French minor? Good grief.
The war itself was easy as pie. We encountered only about 2,000 enemies, which was no match for our 5,000 man army led by His Holiness himself! The siege took a bit longer, though - over two years, in fact. Finally, though, they capitulated and We annexed Avignon. It was for their own good, really. Can't have them supporting another anti-pope - it's bad for their immortal souls!
Well at any rate, we were feeling pretty smug and good about ourselves, despite having no friends and being in the position of occupiers of recently acquired land. Sure enough, just a few weeks later, rebels (Avignonnais nationalists) took up arms. There were some six thousand of them, but luckily they weren't very well organized and were easily driven across the border. Let Provence deal with them!
We were quite surprised to discover that, as We were about to wrap up the chapter, We had received another divine revelation! This time the Almighty was trying to help us grow a little closer to home. Ferrara was once part of our Papal States, and Vox Dei called upon us to make it so again! Alas, We are weary of fighting - two wars within five years is not much to our liking. Perhaps a bit of rest is in order first. But still, We must not delay too much, lest the hungary Milanese come calling on Ferrara before we do!
