I'ma reverse Kurosawa this shiznit.
The Maidenly Adventures of Queen Judith
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1410 - 1413
"In a far-away land in a far-away time, there lived a princess. In her sun-lit kingdom, the beautiful princess was never expected to do anything awful like expel Jews from Spain because her uncle Blazej is some sort of hateful man-troll."
I started writing a new story.
It's about a princess who escapes her miserable life by writing stories.
No, it's not an autobiography. See, she's a princess and I'm a queen.
They're totally different.
"The princess had a vivid and rich imagination. Up in her tower, she was never bothered by viziers or tax collectors or church officials. Decisions like lowering census taxes or raising church donations were never hers to make. She simply scribbled on her notepad everything that came into her head. There were tales of knights and dragons, of kingdoms and barbarians, of princesses and woe. Most of all, the princess loved to write about the triumph of friendship over despair. She was a very good writer, and certainly did not profit from being so dainty and from having such perfect skin and hair. Her success at writing was strictly driven by her enormous ability. It's important to note that her bosom was also sufficiently enormous, well, not enormous but definitely of a proud size, and the important thing is that people would not have pretend to like her writing just to see it. One day, she locked herself in her tower and began writing. She had a story bubbling up inside her from the tips of her toes. It needed to get out, and she needed to write it before she burst. It was about a hero named. . . a warrior named . . . it was about a great swordsman, and his name was. . . "
"Walram was already famous for his knightly deeds when he arrived in Champagne. Lean and chiseled, with a very nice body that any princess would have loved to look at discretely but chastely, Walram was the iconic image of a chivalric knight. He was brave and true, skilled and cunning. He was also ready to retire. Walram had spent his years fighting wickedness and evil in distant lands, and the best years of his young life were behind him. He felt it was time to settle down with a wife and family. Walram married a girl who he thought was nice, but she might have been nice in the beginning, but she was unkind to him by the time they both arrived in Champagne. Walram was honest and true, so he remained faithful to her, but his heart wanted to fly."
This story is missing something.
"And then a girl named Judith---- Judy came to town. Judy was a burst of energy. Her skin was totally perfect, without even a single blemish, but not so perfect that she looked like some sort of awful and fake Catalan girl that everybody seems to want. Her hair was like sunshine-- ponies. Her hair was like ponies, perfect and prancing and all shades of gold. No, maybe it was like sunshine. Ponies sometimes smell like poop, and Judi--- Judy's hair never smelled like anything other than fine berries or a soft rain, not poop. And her eyes sparkled, because Judy was perfectly happy. She laughed without remorse and cried without regret. Vivacious and slender, pale and beautiful, she was as honest and true a creature as had ever been born. And she was instantly in love with Walram, and he with her, although he could not come to her because he was already married. Judy knew it, so she kept her distance because she was a virtuous girl, but not so virtuous that she wouldn't be able to make a man happy or anything like that because she has certainly had lots of boyfriends and all of them obviously left her because there was something wrong with them and not her, and Walram kept his distance too. But Walram's heart ached whenever he saw the girl. It was like he had been shown how to fly. Walram tried to busy himself in work. His friends--- no, brothers--- no, friends as close as brothers Blazej and Strybjörn had retired with him, and all were eager to have normal lives. Normal lives had no place for astonishing girls like Judy. Girls like her only came along in stories."
"Walram's life in Champagne was simple but not boring. He bought a cottage for his himself and his wife, and used his ducats to start a business as an innkeeper. He named the inn-- maybe it was a tavern-- he named the tavern. . . it was called. . . "
Someone's at my door. One moment.
Blazej expanded our domain near Skåne? That's uh, splendid.
No, it's wonderful. Thank you. Goodbye.
"It was called Skåne tavern, and Walram threw himself into his work. Champagne was a dangerous country in those days, with English and Burgundinian brigands roaming the countryside. Maybe it was Walram's reputation as a bold and noble knight. Maybe it was the arrival of his friend Bjørn, who was dying from some Turkish disease but was still a dangerous fighter, although the author wants you to know that she doesn't know anything about Turkish diseases, and certainly nothing on a first-hand basis about how they make you itch, and how all of your cousins talk about it later on but weren't complaining at the time. Whatever the reason, the bandits left the Skåne tavern alone, and that suited Walram just fine. He had fought for his whole life, and his life in Champagne was an opportunity to do something normal."
"A great party was thrown in Champagne to celebrate Judy's arrival, and Judy was so rich and beautiful that everybody else chipped in to pay for it, leaving her with nothing to do but show up because everyone else was so generous instead of being greedy and moneygrubbing and always counting expenses, which is really an unreasonable thing to do, all things considered. It's not like we-- I mean Judy -- It's not like Judy doesn't have thousands of ducats or anything. She is very rich, and nobody cares how she spends her wealth, but they love her so much that they spend their money on her instead of the other way around. Walram went to the party and saw Judy there, and he could not take his eyes off her for the longest time. Eventually, Walram forced himself to look away, and Judy did too. Walram wanted a ordinary life. Life with Judy would not be ordinary. It would be extraordinary. Unfortunately, things were the way they were and could not change. That's how life works. It would take something big to make things change. And, unfortunately, something big was coming."
"One day, some evil and cruel Burgundinian went to war against the lands of Aragon. Oh, poo. I mean Champagne. They went to war against the lands of Champagne. Walram was brave and noble and true, and he tried and tried to stay out of it, but Blazej and Strybjörn dragged him into it. They were noble and true as well, and they really wanted to stand and fight the Burgundinians. Walram knew where that would lead, and just wanted to leave the situation alone, but eventually he was so noble and true that he had to get involved as well. He could not stand by and watch his friends take up their swords again without doing the same. And, of the three knights, he was undoubtedly the finest. And so Walram walked into his tavern named the Skåne and opened his closet, wherein he had placed his mail shirt and his golden sword. He took up his shirt and sword and prepared to protect the people of Champagne from all harm."
"The princess in the tower took a moment to look over her writing. She was very modest and humble, but even she could see that she was a very good writer. She was a bit in love with her Walram character because he seemed so heroic and handsome, although Walram's exotic and enigmatic ally Bjørn also seemed enticing and attracted her love too. She felt a bit embarrassed to be in love with her characters, but that was just the sort of big-hearted and enthusiastic princess she was. On the other hand, she was also chaste and pure. Although the curve in her breast was perfect, and although the line of her hips was youthful and girly, but not inappropriately girly because she was really a fully-grown woman and not at all underdeveloped in any way that a man would think unseemly or that other girls would make fun of, she never did anything naughty while thinking about her characters. She just poured her love into her writing. Because her tower door locked, nobody ever walked in on her doing anything inappropriate. Not that she was doing anything inappropriate to begin with. Because that's how chaste she was."
"Walram tried to avoid fighting the bandits at first. There were plenty of men in Champagne to take care of the problems that surrounded him, and Walram felt that he did not yet need to get seriously involved. Instead, he devoted himself to keeping the peace. That gave him plenty of time to ride his stallion through the countryside, work at his tavern the Skåne, and do other knightly things. Along the way, he inadvertently, or so he thought, met Judy. Of course, she was very sly and was not at all afraid of taking what she wanted in life, and didn't care at all that people might think that she was not a perfect girl or anything like that, so maybe it wasn't inadvertent at all. In fact, it wasn't. She arranged to make sure she would be where Walram would be, and the two ended up talking. Judy smiled and was dazzling, and Walram was enamored of her but maintained his knightly chastity. They merely talked and flirted. Walram said, 'If love is so transcendent, I don't understand these boundaries.' She said, 'Just don't disappoint me. You know how complex women are.' Meanwhile, the fighting against the Burgundinian bandits only grew worse. Walram thought he could stay uninvolved, but it was not to be."
"The tension that existed between the Burgundinians and Walram and his friends eventually erupted into open conflict. Although it was easy at first, and Walram bravely defused the situation with his quick wit and skill at swords, the die had been cast. The defeated and routed Burgundinians swore that they would have their vengeance. Walram was noble and idealistic and hoped he could keep his family and friends safe without further fighting. His friend Bjørn knew better. Although his body was wasting away from the Turkish illness, his mind was still sharp, and he knew that the Burgundinian bandits would make good on their threads. He hoped Walram would be ready when that day happened. He hoped he would be ready too."
Oh my. This story is very thrilling.
I've been struggling to find a way to squeeze a unicorn into it.
"The princess was very pleased with her story. The scope of what she was writing started to dawn on her, and she realized it was the best story that had ever been written. This was, of course, to be expected; the princess was not locked up in her tower as a punishment, but because she was so marvelous and intelligent. It was a way to make sure she could write without being distracted by anything. The only thing she let distract her was her unicorn. It was white as snow, warm as milk, creamy as butter and wonderful to ride. The princess would ride the unicorn in the early hours of the morning when it was cool and breezy and she was still wearing a light dress that she slept in, and it was the most amazing thing ever. She rode it, and rode it, and rode it, and rode it, and rode it, and rode it, and rode it until she could ride it no longer, and then turned and rode all the way home in a flashing crescendo of horns and hooves. There were no unicorns in her story of course, because nobody would believe they existed, but they really did. There was nothing wrong at all with riding that unicorn either, no matter what her awful uncle might say, and his jokes about it were really off-putting and kind of gross. And so the princess ignored her wicked step-uncle and instead committed herself to her work, and made sure to write about how the bandits from Burgundy tried to make it look like they weren't actually going to fight Walram. It was actually a trap, but Walram hoped it wasn't a trap and then the princess couldn't stop thinking about that unicorn so she stopped writing and rode it hard. Sometimes, you just have to ride a unicorn more than once, you know?"
"That was when Walram heard that the Burgundinian bandits were waiting for him in . . . uh, they were waiting for him in Provence and Dijon, another tavern across town. Walram knew he couldn't let the Burgundinian bandits cause more trouble, but he really wanted to avoid a fight that was unnecessary. Walram hated it when people died. His friends Blazej and Styrbjörn wanted a fight though, and Walram wasn't going to let them go alone, so he took his sword out of the closet again and walked with them to Provence and Dijon. Bjørn, although he was nearly bed-ridden by the Turkish disease-- that's creative writing, because a Turkish disease just makes you itchy and a bit crazy, not that I'd know but I heard it from somebody who said something like that to me-- anyway, he he was nearly bed-ridden, but he knew Walram would be outnumbered and didn't want him to get killed, so he forced himself from his bed, took his own sword, and followed Walram and the others to Provence. And Dijon. The tavern. When they got there, the Burgundinians were ready for a fight but thought Walram would come alone. When they saw the three friends, and especially when they saw Bjørn, they started to get a little worried. Although they had numbers, the men they faced had a grim reputation for fighting. The two sides stood there watching each other, hands on their swords, each waiting for the other side to make a move. Blazej spoke-- no, wait, Styrbjörn spoke-- no, Blazej, but let's pretend it was a Blazej that doesn't sound creepy and slobbery when he talks, and he said, 'Toss down your weapons, you brigands, and we shall let you live.' And then it was quiet again, the scene frozen like a reflection on a lake, with leaves falling from above sending ripples where they hit. And then Walram saw the ripples, and he knew there would be blood, and in despair he drew his sword."
The armies of Aragon swarm across the plains of Burgundy, but has Chancellor Blazej sent too few troops to meet the threat? They fight for Queen and country and for the glory of the daughter of Scions. Can they prevail and unify what is left of France? Or will Burgundy rally in time to repel the invaders? Aragon has so many men that it's a matter of time before they win, but Judith may not have time - or be willing to see so many people die. The critical battle is fought and Judith loses someone close to her as the adventures of Judith Knýtling continue!