Knud Knýtling, Prince of Denmark (and other assorted tales)
- Thread starter phargle
- Start date
-
We have updated our Community Code of Conduct. Please read through the new rules for the forum that are an integral part of Paradox Interactive’s User Agreement.
Who was king Bjorn again? Was he the morose one, or am I wrong or was that another Niels? Or am I still being wrong and he was the morose one? I can't believe I forgot...
A ToC in the first post with links to the starting chapter for each of the kings would help, I agree, DKG. I have been following this saga since the beginning, but I admit I don't remember who was King Bjorn either... 
o
Cat
oCat
Glad to hear that those wicked Turks are soon defeated, because Knýtlings have better things to do than fight with Turks, like killing von Frankens or ruining their empire.
Cat Lord said:A ToC in the first post with links to the starting chapter for each of the kings would help, I agree, DKG. I have been following this saga since the beginning, but I admit I don't remember who was King Bjorn either...
I added a table of contents to the first page. Bjørn was the first King of Norway, but his reign was troubled by the manipulations of his mother, Marguerite de Nevers. Bjørn became very morose as his kingdom fell apart around him.
I'm looking forward to Bjorn II. With the Misguided warrior as his father and ruling half the world..things should get interesting.
That'd be in the feudalism, Bob.
The Mortificated Adventures of King Niels
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1287 - 1288
This is my first son Ubbe.
I think we can all agree that Ubbe can never be king.
King Ubbe. I dare you to say it with a straight face.
This is my second son Bjørn.
He is better than Ubbe in every way, the least of which is that his name doesn't sound like a retarded person with a cold stammering.
Bjørn will be king!
My decree pisses somebody off.
"Though we have heard of stupid civil wars, cleverness has never been seen associated with Niels' Norway."
As a student of Sun Tzu, I have seen this coming.
The duke of Uppland declares that he can never again endure a Bjørn as king.
C'mon, guys. It wasn't that bad.
You've got to be joking. You're not old enough to remember Bjørn.
You're barely old enough to put your sivard up some girl's gästrik upplands.
Nice move, Eystein. Or Gustav. Or who the hell is on my side?
If you want something done right. . .
. . . do it yourself. That's a quote from Master Niels Tzu.
Yes! Sing my praises far and wide!
Actually, I can only think of a few words that rhyme with mortificated, and most of them have to do with feces.
Or sound like a euphemism for patronizing one's heralds.
Maybe this isn't a good idea. . .
Sivard offers me everything he owns in return for peace.
Ah, feudalism. It's like your wife agreeing to have sex every night, but only if it's in the booty.
I accept.
I should amend my previous analogy on feudalism.
It's like your wife agreeing to have sex every night, but only if it's in the booty.
Your booty.
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1287 - 1288
This is my first son Ubbe.
I think we can all agree that Ubbe can never be king.
King Ubbe. I dare you to say it with a straight face.
This is my second son Bjørn.
He is better than Ubbe in every way, the least of which is that his name doesn't sound like a retarded person with a cold stammering.
Bjørn will be king!
My decree pisses somebody off.
"Though we have heard of stupid civil wars, cleverness has never been seen associated with Niels' Norway."
As a student of Sun Tzu, I have seen this coming.
The duke of Uppland declares that he can never again endure a Bjørn as king.
C'mon, guys. It wasn't that bad.
You've got to be joking. You're not old enough to remember Bjørn.
You're barely old enough to put your sivard up some girl's gästrik upplands.
Nice move, Eystein. Or Gustav. Or who the hell is on my side?
If you want something done right. . .
. . . do it yourself. That's a quote from Master Niels Tzu.
Yes! Sing my praises far and wide!
Actually, I can only think of a few words that rhyme with mortificated, and most of them have to do with feces.
Or sound like a euphemism for patronizing one's heralds.
Maybe this isn't a good idea. . .
Sivard offers me everything he owns in return for peace.
Ah, feudalism. It's like your wife agreeing to have sex every night, but only if it's in the booty.
I accept.
I should amend my previous analogy on feudalism.
It's like your wife agreeing to have sex every night, but only if it's in the booty.
Your booty.
A kingdom in flames. A dynasty in the balance. One might say that the empire is mortificated. Will the lords accept another Bjørn? What will become of Ubbe? Were the jokes in this update too dirty? And will Niels ever get to kill the rest of the von Frankens? All will be revealed, except for that last bit, as the adventures of Niels Knýtling continue!
Last edited:
On the first day of Christmas, my true Knud gave to me . . .
The Mortificated Adventures of King Niels
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1288 - 1289
Feudalism is a facking tease.
He betrayed me, dismantled my regiments, and pushed my realm closer to civil war. And now he wants me to take him back?
The worst part is I accept.
On the bright side, the Turks accept my proposal for peace.
I'm pretty sure I gave them 500 ducats.
500 ducats. Is there anything it can't do?
The near east after my wars of conquest. There's just one thing wrong with it.
Well, two things.
One down.
One to go.
Little Bjørn is now my heir. He will inherit everything I own.
You'll notice he'll also inherit everything Girvais owns as well.
This is going to make family gatherings difficult. It's not like I can kill every von Franken. . .
I'll raise Bjørn and make him into the greatest king history has ever known.
If you want something done right, do it yourself, I always say.
Nnnggggg.
NNNGGGGG.
Calm. Breathe. Consider the words of the master.
"If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles."
All right. Now, who does this message say the rebel is?
. . . it doesn't say?!
NNNGGGG!
In the meantime, one hundred thousand men have surrounded the last European Emirate.
Some men crusade.
I crucify.
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1288 - 1289
Feudalism is a facking tease.
He betrayed me, dismantled my regiments, and pushed my realm closer to civil war. And now he wants me to take him back?
The worst part is I accept.
On the bright side, the Turks accept my proposal for peace.
I'm pretty sure I gave them 500 ducats.
500 ducats. Is there anything it can't do?
The near east after my wars of conquest. There's just one thing wrong with it.
Well, two things.
One down.
One to go.
Little Bjørn is now my heir. He will inherit everything I own.
You'll notice he'll also inherit everything Girvais owns as well.
This is going to make family gatherings difficult. It's not like I can kill every von Franken. . .
I'll raise Bjørn and make him into the greatest king history has ever known.
If you want something done right, do it yourself, I always say.
Nnnggggg.
NNNGGGGG.
Calm. Breathe. Consider the words of the master.
"If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles."
All right. Now, who does this message say the rebel is?
. . . it doesn't say?!
NNNGGGG!
In the meantime, one hundred thousand men have surrounded the last European Emirate.
Some men crusade.
I crucify.
Niels solidifes Bjørn's position as his heir and faces down the last Muslim realm in Europe. And can his persecution of the von Frankens reach new lows? If you answered 'yes', you'd better belief you're right, true believer! Don't miss the next episode! There's murder! There's war! There's nothing 500 ducats can't solve! All in the all new episode of the adventures of Niels Knýtling!
Last edited:
Just right.phargle said:
I can't belive you didn't use "The plan was simple" on this one.phargle said:
One to go.
On the second day of Knudmas, my Knýtling gave to me . . .
The Mortificated Adventures of King Niels
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1289 - 1290
The plan was simple.
No, it really is simple.
I chase the last Muslims out of Italy, and people are talking about the oral talents of some horny German and a guy whose name is Italian for 'the dick'.
Instead of me. It just isn't fair.
. . . however, is that a pineapple over there? I'll just go visit Campania to lift my spirits.
Girvais has gotten himself another bodyguard. I bend him over the voglio.
In public.
Not my smartest move ever. . .
It's maddening to have enemies of such epic ineptness.
He saw me killing his bodyguard, but didn't notice me trying to stab him with a knife.
The worst part is that I missed the idiot.
I take another swing.
Doumenge!
Doumenge! Doumenge!
I am starting to wonder if Girvais is having a similar conversation in his own saga about my epic ineptness.
My escapades at Campania are tarnishing my reputation.
I don't know if my vassals hate me because I'm trying to kill Girvais or if they hate me because I'm so bad at it.
Girvais understandably despises me.
Of course, that's nothing forteen thousand ducats can't solve.
"The reason the enlightened prince conquers the enemy is foreknowledge," says Sun Tzu.
I've discovered that 100,000 men will do the trick just as well.
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1289 - 1290
The plan was simple.
No, it really is simple.
I chase the last Muslims out of Italy, and people are talking about the oral talents of some horny German and a guy whose name is Italian for 'the dick'.
Instead of me. It just isn't fair.
. . . however, is that a pineapple over there? I'll just go visit Campania to lift my spirits.
Girvais has gotten himself another bodyguard. I bend him over the voglio.
In public.
Not my smartest move ever. . .
It's maddening to have enemies of such epic ineptness.
He saw me killing his bodyguard, but didn't notice me trying to stab him with a knife.
The worst part is that I missed the idiot.
I take another swing.
Doumenge!
Doumenge! Doumenge!
I am starting to wonder if Girvais is having a similar conversation in his own saga about my epic ineptness.
My escapades at Campania are tarnishing my reputation.
I don't know if my vassals hate me because I'm trying to kill Girvais or if they hate me because I'm so bad at it.
Girvais understandably despises me.
Of course, that's nothing forteen thousand ducats can't solve.
"The reason the enlightened prince conquers the enemy is foreknowledge," says Sun Tzu.
I've discovered that 100,000 men will do the trick just as well.
And so the last Muslims are expelled from Europe. What will Niels do next? I have no idea, because the next few screen shots are zipped up! Will he try to raise Bjørn? Probably! Will he defeat Girvais? Probably not! And will his empire continue to crumble and - dare I say it - mortificate? You betcha! Watch in amazement as Niels grows depressed at the constant rebellion that is tearing Norway apart like a phallus pressing against a tender hymen as the adventures of Niels Knýt- okay, that was a really crude metaphor. I'm so sorry. Anyway, it continues. The adventures. Not the metaphor. It ends. And we're off!
Last edited:
On the third day of Knudmas, my Knýtling replied to comments.
Fulcrumvale, Sun Tzu says a lot about spies. Mostly that spying is good and bribing other folks' spies is even better. Sun Tzu doesn't tell you how to do any of those things. . . just to do them. Thanks, Sun Tzu. And yeah, sometimes the game gives you humor itself - it's always funnier when it does it than when I have to crack the jokes.
Snake IV, I think the whole saga has been one dirty joke, but I toned it down in the last few updates. I hope 39 pages (40 now!) isn't too scary.
EvilSanta, Valdemar is the inspiration for all Knýtlings, one way or another. If Knud was Blackadder I, then Valdemar was every Blackadder since.
Murmurandus, yeah, the table of contents seemed needed. And if there was an award for every mad Knýtling, that'd be a lot of awards!
JimboIX, I, uh, have some bad news for you if you're anticipating Bjørn II.
Jon Young, the bug-hunt continues. The von Frankens get away. The game crashed and I had screenies of them going to war with me over the murders, and then me giving a humiliated Girvais a tiny province in Germany. Oh well!
Cat Lord, thanks for the kudos, and the ideas on the table of contents.
Olaus Petrus, I like names that are more than one word.
DKG, Bjørn was the morose kid who had the whole kingdom rebel against him. His chosen successor was Knud III, the musical king. Thanks for reading!
bowl of soup, your name is all lowercase, has three words, and is about soup. It may be the best username ever. Thanks for reading!
Llywelyn, your name, on the other hand - grrr. I misspell it every single time. And I am glad you got the joke about the 666 ducats. I was afraid that was too subtle! . . .kinda like the wife rape thing.
Judas Maccabeus, your joke about God being a bastard named Torben is funnier than anything I have posted for the last month. And Girvais is immortal. In both the crashed game and the one I reloaded from three years earlier, he refuses to die.
Eams, you're not surprised because he is The Desolate One!
GrimPagan, it's good to be back and ripping on the French. I hope none of you are French. Not because that'd be bad, but because you might be offended. You're not French, are you?
El Pip, no Knýtling has a master plan. Actually, I see you clarified. You're right. They do have master plans, and they're all bad.
stnylan, Niels has some very evil designs indeed. Earth-shattering designs. You'll see.
Shuma, the misguided warrior thing has worked out nicely, dontcha think?
Dead William, this AAR may jump the shark. I'm still worried that it did when that Russian guy accepted my vassalization offer. Rest assured that no Knýtling will actually jump a shark, no matter what that shark might be named.
JVega, I've noticed everybody has their personal favorite characters, and everybody has characters they don't like. For me, that's wonderful because it means all the characters come across differently. For a comedy of one-liners, that's a tall order.
I hope I didn't miss anybody. And now some interesting news: I have four updates remaining before I am caught up to my saved game. The last one will blow your socks off. And then we'll return to Spain for a third time when Niels keels over and dies. I'm excited. Are you excited? And who will get the 1000th reply and the 1000th post?
Fulcrumvale, Sun Tzu says a lot about spies. Mostly that spying is good and bribing other folks' spies is even better. Sun Tzu doesn't tell you how to do any of those things. . . just to do them. Thanks, Sun Tzu. And yeah, sometimes the game gives you humor itself - it's always funnier when it does it than when I have to crack the jokes.
Snake IV, I think the whole saga has been one dirty joke, but I toned it down in the last few updates. I hope 39 pages (40 now!) isn't too scary.
EvilSanta, Valdemar is the inspiration for all Knýtlings, one way or another. If Knud was Blackadder I, then Valdemar was every Blackadder since.
Murmurandus, yeah, the table of contents seemed needed. And if there was an award for every mad Knýtling, that'd be a lot of awards!
JimboIX, I, uh, have some bad news for you if you're anticipating Bjørn II.
Jon Young, the bug-hunt continues. The von Frankens get away. The game crashed and I had screenies of them going to war with me over the murders, and then me giving a humiliated Girvais a tiny province in Germany. Oh well!
Cat Lord, thanks for the kudos, and the ideas on the table of contents.
Olaus Petrus, I like names that are more than one word.
DKG, Bjørn was the morose kid who had the whole kingdom rebel against him. His chosen successor was Knud III, the musical king. Thanks for reading!
bowl of soup, your name is all lowercase, has three words, and is about soup. It may be the best username ever. Thanks for reading!
Llywelyn, your name, on the other hand - grrr. I misspell it every single time. And I am glad you got the joke about the 666 ducats. I was afraid that was too subtle! . . .kinda like the wife rape thing.
Judas Maccabeus, your joke about God being a bastard named Torben is funnier than anything I have posted for the last month. And Girvais is immortal. In both the crashed game and the one I reloaded from three years earlier, he refuses to die.
Eams, you're not surprised because he is The Desolate One!
GrimPagan, it's good to be back and ripping on the French. I hope none of you are French. Not because that'd be bad, but because you might be offended. You're not French, are you?
El Pip, no Knýtling has a master plan. Actually, I see you clarified. You're right. They do have master plans, and they're all bad.
stnylan, Niels has some very evil designs indeed. Earth-shattering designs. You'll see.
Shuma, the misguided warrior thing has worked out nicely, dontcha think?
Dead William, this AAR may jump the shark. I'm still worried that it did when that Russian guy accepted my vassalization offer. Rest assured that no Knýtling will actually jump a shark, no matter what that shark might be named.
JVega, I've noticed everybody has their personal favorite characters, and everybody has characters they don't like. For me, that's wonderful because it means all the characters come across differently. For a comedy of one-liners, that's a tall order.
I hope I didn't miss anybody. And now some interesting news: I have four updates remaining before I am caught up to my saved game. The last one will blow your socks off. And then we'll return to Spain for a third time when Niels keels over and dies. I'm excited. Are you excited? And who will get the 1000th reply and the 1000th post?