Knud Knýtling, Prince of Denmark (and other assorted tales)

[Eams]

Me thinks Blazej would be of more use spying on someone else's queen, alternatively bleeding to death in the nearest gutter. Or Judith could make him wear a dress and sell him as a new harem-girl to some pagan warlord.

And phargle, will you stab me before or after bearing my children? And didn't you offer to bear El Pip's children like two updates ago? You strumpet...

 

[phargle]

Sodomy twins.

The Maidenly Adventures of Queen Judith

As told with many pictures. And few words.

(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)

1419 - 1420

​

"Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, fary away from Aragon, there lived a princess. She was remarkably good at everything she did, and was even good at things you'd normally ask a man to do, like wage a war or run a kingdom, for example. Everybody always said what a good job she did, and nobody ever said that she coasted through life on her looks or called her a blonde floozy or anything mean like that, which is almost a little flattering because it means you have looks to begin with, which this princess certainly did, but she also had brains. And so this kingdom went to war with another kingdom and a really big battle took place and nobody died and everybody lived happily ever after, because that's the way things are supposed to happen, and when they don't happen that way it's not like it's the princess's fault, because she has advisors and they really ought to advise her about these sort of things, because Mantua is really far away and twenty thousand is really a lot of soldiers and who knew Garcia had so many people, and the important thing is it's not my fault-- I mean her fault-- because she did it all correctly in the first place, probably by making sure the unicorns charged first. And even though she was so perfect, it was also completely reasonable for her to pack her things and flee the country just in case anybody had anything to say about the battle, which went really well so there was really no reason to flee anyway. The end."​

​

"What I mean is that the princess didn't have everything packed because she wasn't planning to flee the country at all. Wouldn't that be silly? Hah, hah! What a silly princess! Instead, she basked in celebration, and never once had to forget her sorrows by pretending that her bedpost was a unicorn. And then riding it. Not that she ever did that in the first place, but you probably don't want to let anybody use the guest bedroom for a few days, just in case. The end."​

We won! It's like that massacre at Mantua didn't happen.

Except for those twenty thousand soldiers, but they don't really count.

No, sir! It's all sunny skies and green fields for Judith from here on out!

With the conquest of Italy, we've suddenly got a lot of bibles.

We translate them. I help. There's even a book of Judith!

Let's see. . . the sodomy twins shall give themselves over to. . . what's this word? . . ah. Oh my. Fornication.

That's a commandment?

I'm not sure I got that right. What do you guys think?

Oh!

Oh, my!

Oh, wow!

I guess they liked it! Even Lucja liked it, which is a little creepy, if you ask me.

I'm more than happy to make these guys my vassals, but they're not getting anywhere near my sodomy twins.

I'm pretty sure the two are mutually exclusive.

That flurry of vassalizations all happened so fast. I'm all flustered now.

Maybe I should leave bible translation to the experts and concentrate on what I'm good at.

To war!
​

Fresh from its surprising victory in Italy, Aragon moves against Sviatopolk Knýtling in Tunisia, thus hoping to unite Judith's African provinces. The wars that follow are swift and brutal, and only minorly interrupted by some Irish shenanigans. But Judith is a quick-witted girl, and she naturally takes these shenanigans in stride! Of course, a girl who takes too many shenanigans in stride will wind up with a bad reputation, so Judith has to find some way to unify Africa, handle religious disputes with lunatics, satisfy the Irish, and keep Aragon stable -- all while maintaining her saintly and chaste reputation! Can she do it? You'll be amazed by the sort of person it takes to say no to Judith when the adventures of Judith Knýtling continue!​

 

[EvilSanta]

Please Judith, never die or stop writing your tales!

 

[Bingo Brett]

You'll be amazed by the sort of person it takes to say no to Judith when the adventures of Judith Knýtling continue![/indent]

Ummm everytime I look in the mirror I see a person who can say no to Judith. Just sayin' And I love catapaults too!

 

[Woody Man]

You'll be amazed by the sort of person it takes to say no to Judith when the adventures of Judith Knýtling continue!

I'm not one of that sort to be sure, despite my misgivings, I'd still like to diplo-annex her and vassalise her sodomy twins.

 

[Bingo Brett]

I'd still like to diplo-annex her and vassalise her sodomy twins.

Oh my!

 

[El Pip]

Maybe I should leave bible translation to the experts and concentrate on what I'm good at.

To War.

Never has a less accurate statement been uttered by a Knytling, clearly excessively riding the Unicorn has done horrendous things to her memory.

And didn't you offer to bear El Pip's children like two updates ago? You strumpet...

Perhaps he just likes bearing children? It is one way to raise a vast army of voters, thus ensuring the nameless not-as-good-or-popular one continues to cry and is denied the adulation he doesn't deserve.

 

[robou]

well looks like she can still do the splits then...

 

[phargle]

Feedback time!

Judith votes in the ACA and so should you​

robou, do the splits? What? Wha? And it was a bad defeat, but I seem to be timing my absolute slaughters to happen moments before the enemy's last province falls, which is pretty good.

El Pip, I am generous with my child-bearing urges. And don't you think Judith is good at waging war? Or, at the very least, don't you think she has ten times as many soldiers as anybody else?

Bingo Brett, don't be shy. You even have something in common.

English Patriot, being an Englishman, you are probably not her type. England is the mortal enemy of Aragon, especially since it's ruled by a Catalan king. It'd be awkward.

EvilSanta, Judith has been on the throne for a good long time already. She may soon be pushing the records for longest-serving Knýtling heroes in this saga. As for jokes about losing men, it's hard not to make them because of how well they fit into the ongoing tale of ineptness. With a unicorn.

Eams, why choose? I can stab you before and after, if you like. And Blazej will have some interesting events come his way shortly, never you fear.

Snugglie, Judith seems to be maintaining her chastity so far, at least in the getting-married-and-having-kids department. Have faith. She's pure as the driven snow. And yes, the research portion of each feedback response is really terrible, terrible work.

General Jac, Blazej is certainly more Knýtling than Knýtling. He would have made a magnificent king.

JimboIX, I love that you love the faux fairy tale. As for Judith's chastity, I am sorry to report that she will remain a virgin queen. Officially, that is.

Onward!

 

[phargle]

In which Judith rocks out in Africa.

The Maidenly Adventures of Queen Judith

As told with many pictures. And few words.

(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)

1420 - 1423

The king of Ireland declared war on an Irish vassal of the Danish duke of Alexandria who is, oddly enough, actually the ruler of Egypt.

And that got Aragon involved because of an alliance with Ireland I forgot we had, which is handy because we're trying to conquer all of Africa anyway.

Yeah.

Long story short: if I hear 'Blazej Knýtling, you're a genius!' one more time, I'm going to scream.

At least I can still understand our battle plans.

Let's see. Those armies in Tunisia are. . . huh, are they coming or going? And who are those green guys? What's that guy in Djerbe doing?

Does this mean we're winning? I think we're winning.

We won! I mean, of course we won.

I am the queen, after all. This is what I do. There's way more to me than a pretty face.

I happen to have a very nice body, for example.

Here are a bunch of Egyptian provinces I didn't know we had.

They are ordered to mobilize and seize Alexandria at once.

The plan was. . . oh, wow. That didn't take long at all.

I need more vassals like these guys!

Aleksander of Pommerania has a vassal in Libya, so he's next on the agenda.

I use my diplomatic legs on him until he agrees to be my vassal.

That leaves just one province separating my Algerian kingdom from my Egyptian kingdom.

He refuses to succumb to my diplomatic legs, so I grab his claim.

You can make a vassal do anything once you have him by the claims.

Curiously, none of my vassals are upset about my bad reputation.

I think there's a life lesson to be learned here.

In fact, once my reputation improves a year later. . .

. . . people start leaving me.

I guess even schismatic, suicidal schizoprehnics prefer bad girls.

​

The conclusion of the African adventure leaves Aragon in a position of great strength and Judith with a restless populace. A cooling-off period emerges when she declines to involve herself in an Gaelic civil war and instead surveys the problems in her life: Manuel, the so-called Knýtling emperor; the pope; Blazej, her perverted chancellor. All of these problems are addressed one way or another, and Judith takes her first baby steps into a wider world, as the adventures of Judith Knýtling continue!​

 

[Eams]

Judith didn't take Alexandria for herself? And it was probably Blazej who chased that adorable little rascal Ämund away.

Perhaps he just likes bearing children? It is one way to raise a vast army of voters, thus ensuring the nameless not-as-good-or-popular one continues to cry and is denied the adulation he doesn't deserve.

But at his age he's unlikely to spawn more than ten kids, including possible twins and triplets. Surely, a cult is a better way of gaining new voters?
Oh, and "this fish is good enough for canonized"

 

[kalenderee]

I most heartily approve of your latest initiative to bribe us with suggestive pictures.

Also, Judith's really starting to grow on me. I wasn't a big fan of her first lots internal stories, but the last three or four....

 

[phargle]

I most heartily approve of your latest initiative to bribe us with suggestive pictures.

If the product is good, pimp the product. If someone else's product is better, pimp the brand. If the brand isn't what it once was, pimp the spokesmodel. Business 101, my dear sir, business 101. And research and development is a lot more fun for me these days, too.

 

[phargle]

MechTheDane blackmails. I pander. Who will win?

The Maidenly Adventures of Queen Judith

As told with many pictures. And few words.

(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)

1423 - 1425

Ireland goes to war with Wales over Scotland.

Call me overly pragmatic, but I just don't have a dong in that fight.

. . . dog? What dog? Oh, it's dog? I knew that. Ahem.

I don't have a dong in that dog.

What? Oh. Oh. Oh my. o

It seems all it took for the Empire of Byzantium to prosper was for the Knýtlings to lose control of it.

Meanwhile, the other Knýtling emperor, not content with losing Germany to a German of all people, becomes a vassal of Rome.

And then names his first-born son after it.

There's pathetic, and then there's Knýtling pathetic.

And then there's Knýtling awesome!

Oh, but I'm forty. Oh, no. ​

"There was once a princess who was quite young and beautiful. Actually, she was forty, but forty isn't old when you really start thinking about it, because houses can be forty and can still be very pretty, like there was a house I saw in Skåne that has a very nice pattern in the ceiling tile, not that I was ever in a position to look up at that ceiling tile for very long, and some very large beds with nice bedposts and everything, and they still look very nice and young. And that's how this princess looked, but without the bedposts. In fact, she was so young that she was really thirty. Actually, twenty. She was twenty and beautiful and everybody who saw her always talked about how young she looked, but they also thought she was wise and always took her seriously, even when she wanted to talk about ponies."​

Pope David dies and the Curia elects one of my archbishops to replace him.

This is my chance to show off my bible translations!

Oh, poo.

I guess there's some rule about women showing off their bible translations to a priest.

I happen to think that I have very nice bible translations. And so does this Eirik fellow!

Why, he was just saying the other day how much he wants to trøndelag my bible translations.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Today is the best day of my life!

Someone should tell Wlodzislaw that his father has died, and that he may one day be Queen of Aragon if he's lucky.

I'd do it, but I have urgent business with this bedpost.

I quickly appoint a new chancellor. Edith is chosen based on her many fine qualities, chief among them being that she is not Blazej.

She's not married either.

I mean, not that such a thing would matter to me one way or the other. Why should I care if she's single and hot? I mean, er, ah-

Oh! Look at that! War with North Africa!

​

Blazej has died! Long live Queen Judith! Free of her perverse uncle, the queen embarks on a quest in North Africa. Her nephew joins the fray and it suddenly becomes apparent what's been between Judith and the popes all those years when yet another pope drops dead. Seriously, it's like becoming the pope is worse than getting AIDS or something. The stage is set for the last crusade as the adventures of Judith Knýtling continue!​

 

[kalenderee]

Long live Queen Judith! And her hot chancellor! And the bedpost!

...Sorry, lost my train of thought for a moment there.

 

[El Pip]

Long live Queen Judith! And her hot chancellor! And the bedpost!

That is exactly why pandering to readers is better than blackmail.

 

[Sekenr]

Hell yeah!

 

[unmerged(83622)]

If the product is good, pimp the product. If someone else's product is better, pimp the brand. If the brand isn't what it once was, pimp the spokesmodel. Business 101, my dear sir, business 101. And research and development is a lot more fun for me these days, too.

I'm not sure if it is only because of the pimping, but you've earned a vote in best CK Gameplay at least. Then again, since this contains pictures of Scarlett, it is close to unfair to Mech, who's only got Saxons.

 

[robou]

Well bugger me with a fish fork, i leave for 4 days and there are 2 updates up. And can we vote purely for the pictures on the feedback posts?

 

[unmerged(83622)]

Well bugger me with a fish fork, i leave for 4 days and there are 2 updates up. And can we vote purely for the pictures on the feedback posts?

If not, I might be in trouble.