Knee Deep In the Dead, An AARilou Productions AAR

[Arilou]

Any similarities to any persons, living or dead, is entirely intentional. No animals were harmed during the making of this AAR, except a tapir, but who cares about them anyway?

Part I: Ninjas in the Night!

By the year 1419 Japan was prepared for an age of splendour. Or at least that's what they said. It was ruled by it's divine emperors (sure, the people who write the history books claim that by this time the Shogun had gathered all powers into his own hands, but they're all liars anyway) who used the Mighty Ninja Clans (TM) to enforce order throughout the Islands.

The Emperor at the time was named Shôkô, and while some lying historians claimed he only sat back powerless and let the Shogun rule the country we know that's false.

How else do you explain that the Ninja of the Toyota Clan in 1419 crossed the straits of Japan and entered china? How else do you explain that the Japanese armies quickly divided themselves into small and manueverable ninja squads, moving across the chinese countryside, capturing undefended towns and avoiding at all costs making contact with the People's Oppression Army?
What else than divine inspiration, (coming from the Divine Emperor of course) could have caused this?

Nothing. And that's the truth.

Since the chinese couldn't catch the ninjas, and since they were incompetent enough to concentrate all their armies into two gigantic hordes the brave japanese could simply run around and threaten people, like this:

Ninjas threatening people

Now, this was a very tiresome method of waging war, and the japanese people weren't exactly happy about it. Especially not the Shogûn.

Shogun: I'm telling you it's expensive.
Emperor: But... It works!
Shogun: Who rules this country?
Emperor: Well... I think I'm supposed to, actually.
Shogun: You and what army?
Emperor: That army of course.

Shogun: I guess you got me there.
Emperor: Yes, I suspect I do.
Shogun: So... I'm, like the military dictator but you're divinely inspired so your authority trumps mine?
Emperor: Yes.
Shogun: And you've got a large number of men pointing pointy objects at me and making threatening noises?
Emperor: Yes.
Shogun: Hmmmm, but really Empy, the people are restless.
Emperor: My divinely inspired (TM) visions has revealed to us that we will be victorious.

6 years later, April 1428:
Shôkô (that's the emperor for you amnesiacs out there): "So, mr. Fancy chinese "Ruler of the Middle-Kingdom" nitwit, what have you to say for yourself?
Emperor Xuande: Well... I'm *urgh* very sorry, and I, accept that your *gack* divinely inspired Imperial Highness is, of course, the supreme overlord of China... We are but the lowliest of your vassals, let me kiss your feet *smooch smooch*
Shôkô: Ouch, that's gross.

 

[Amric]

Another funny story by Arilou! Let me get my hot chocolate and settle down by this fire over here. Mind if I make some S'mores?

 

[Arilou]

Part II: An Icky Story

Unfortunately, soon after having subjugated the chinese empire and turned them into a centre for the japanese shoelace and electronic animal industry emperor Shôkô died, apparently he had caught some sort of infection that wandered up from his feet and finally killed him by taking over his brain and using it to play billiards in.

Japanese investigations reveal that this infection might have began among chinese/vietnamese chickens. The Empire of China could not tolerate this threat to it's poultry supply of course, and decided to teach the Dai-Vetians a lesson. Unfortunately it took them almost 3 years to figure out where Dai Vet was.

Chinese hygienists trying to fight the lethal infection.

The Japanese were tempted to intervene in this struggle, however, a secret organization known as the Socho Ikki (and their affiliates the Harima Ikki) appealed to the emperor to lower their taxes. The new emperor, Go-Hanazomo, was somewhat distraught by their dirty appearance. He therefore ordered them instantly executed, since "I don't want to die like my father did, with a brain full of holes, sticks and small white balls". The Emperor's loyal samurai of course took this as an order to exterminate the peasants. Something that might not have been *entirely* intended.

A loyal samurai brandishing his weapon.

So the japanese expeditionary force (and their ninjas) were unable to join their chinese vassals in the battle for Vietnam, Go-Hanazomo vowed however, that he would protect the freedom of the vietnamese people for all eternity. His advisors were greatly upset by this, but he refused to take back his words because: "That's my way of the Ninja."

 

[Farquharson]

This is great! Another AARilou production (although... er... what happened to the last one? ) And especially since you have chosen to tackle that way-too-easy nation, Japan...

 

[stnylan]

Excellent to see another Arilou project in progress.

 

[unmerged(16363)]

:rofl:
No comments needed!

 

[unmerged(10971)]

Arilou again? Now this will be good, considering your history when it comes to AARs.

(Best thing about a Japan AAR is that it makes it very hard for the person writing it to conquer Baden. )

 

[Judge]

Well just the title is amazing and the content, first rate work

 

[Arilou]

Part III: The First Vietnam War

After crushing the Icky Uprising (see previous chapter) the Japanese turned their eyes upon the kingdom of Dai Vet, that had cruelly backstabbed their loyal Chinese vassals. Unfortunately the Dai Vetians proved more than a match for the Japanese soldiers, therefore field-marshall Itieyourshoe devised cunning plan. So cunning in fact that it was more cunning than the most-well oiled fox to ever graduate from the University of Cunning in Oxford. The plan was to, instead of attack Dai Vet, to attack Cambodia. This brilliant strategy failed however, because the treacherous chinese signed a peace agreement in 1442.

Worse things were about to happen however. Much worse things.

Messenger: "MY LORD EMPEROR! MY LORD EMPEROR!"
Go-Hanazomo, Emperor of Japan and Overlord of China: "Vasa?"
Messenger: "No, not him! The nobles in Kanto! It is a rebellion!"
Go-Hanazomo: "But then tell them to stop, I'm arranging flowers here!"
Messenger: "But... But..."
*without moving a muscle the emperor stares at his subordinate*
Messenger. "Yes your imperial highness! At once your Imperial highness! I'll send for Uesagi Norizomo at once your imperial highness! Please don't kill me your imperial highness!"
Go-Hanazomo: "Yesyesyes *pats messenger on the shoulder* But about that not killing you..."
Messenger: "Yes your Imperial Highness?"
Go-Hanazomo: "You're already dead."

*messenger explodes in a shower of bodyparts
Go-Hanazomo: "Now, can someone else send for Uesagi?"

And indeed, Uesagi sent his armies to conquer and slay, and they left no man, woman, child, rabbit, sheep or curiously shaped tree alive.

Uesagi Norizomo: "BWAHAHAHAH! BWAHAHAHAH!!"
Newly-promoted Messenger: "Mylord! Mylord! Terrible news!"
Uesagi: "What?"
Slightly Uneasy Messenger: "The Icky are revolting mylord! Apparently they werent' crushed effectively enough the last time!"
Uesagi Norizomo: "Hmmm... GOOD NEWS! That means I can conquer. And Slay. And PLUNDER!!! MWAHAHAHA!"
Messenger Concerned about teh Sanity of the Person he is supposed to deliver messages to: "But... It is terrible Uesagi-sama..:"
Uesagi: "Not it isn't I'll just kill all the nobility *here* and then I'll kill the peasants in the rest of the country *smiles* I'll have blood up to the ankles at least! TAKE THAT YOU DANE!"
Very Frightened Messenger: "Well... I'll go then."
Uesagi: "Not so fast! I have to kill you first!"
*with a wonderfully elegant and swift move Uesagi Norizomo draws his katana and decapitates the messenger*
Recently deceased messenger: *gack*


Uesagis bloody rampage would not prove to be the worst however: The Emperor was (at a slightly later date) receiving bad news:

Messenger: "EMPEROR!"
Go-Hanazomo: "That's me, yes?"
Messenger: "Milord! Your Shogun is dead!"
Go-Hanazomo: "WHAT?! I haven't even dispatched my Ninjas yet! DAMN they're good!"
Messenger: "But... But... He wasn't murdered by ninjas!"
Go-Hanazomo: "WHAT?! Release the Poodles of War mr. Messenger, We can't have anyone other than me killing of shoguns now can we?"
Messenger: "Uuuhhhh..."
Go-Hanazomo: "Exactly my point. Could you please put your head down on this table, here..."
Messenger: *lays his head on the table as the emperor produces a rather nasty-looking battle-axe*
Go-Hanazomo: "Now this will hurt you more than it will hurt me..."
*thwack* *Splash!* *dunk dunk dunk dunkrrororooool*
Go-Hanazomo: "Can someone send for the janitors?"

 

[Arilou]

Part IV: The Manchu Murder Mystery

The Emperor, being the divine and wise figure he is, quickly realized that all this was the fault of the Manchu: Not only had they murdered his trusty Shogun, but they had also incited the people to revolt. As proof of this he presented a yellow bathrobe embroidered with blue dragons, that the assailant had worn, if this was not a Manchu spy then what was?

The Manchurian war lasted for almost 15 years, until 1466, the Koreans and Chinese gladly joined their japanese allies in crushing the insolence of the Manchu "Empire" Manchu general Ping and Pong were powerless against the Japanese onslaught. However, General Winter was not.

At the same time the Ezo of Ezochi demanded their land back, the emperor laughed at them
Emperor: MWAHAHAHAHA!
And then ordered all the Ezo to be exerminated
Emperor: ALL the Ezo shall be exterminated!
Something the Ezo naturally disagreed with. They presented their negative opinion by marching on Sendai and burning the city down, rather pointlessly of course as the huge floods the same year put out the fires.

An Ezo

Meanwhile tens of thousands of japanese were freezing to death in Manchuria:
Japanese Samurai: "By my Honour! This is cold! I am lucky I find this empty cave!"
Huge Bear: "GROWL!"
Japanese Samurai: "You do not mind neh?"
Huge Bear: *moves closer to the fire*
Japanese Samurai: "I take that as a "Hai"


After more than 15 years of freezing winters, rebellions and the occasional battle against equally frozen Manchu troops the japanese managed to "capture" the entire country, in Manchuria "capture" meant "Be the closest guy to the fireplace" after having captureda ll of Manchuria's fireplaces the Manchu surrendered and agreed to become japanese vassals. The old Bloodletter, Go-Hanazomo had tied by then, however, Replaced by Go-Tsumichiado, a much different man.

 

[stnylan]

The vital importance of heating in history is thus demonstrated. Good reading.

 

[Arilou]

Part V: The Emperor's New Grove

Emperor Go-Tsumichiado was a very different man from his father. Instead of gruesome unprovoked violence he was a great man in the Fine Arts (that is to say, wenching, quaffing and brawling) unfortunately his reign was marred by the Onin war, which meant that the government was *really* poor and couldn't even afford to build the combined alehouse/dojo that the Emperor wanted.

Go-Tsumichiado also went on an expedition to subdue the Champa, living at the delta of the Mekong River these evil vietnamese hindus hated all that was Good and Pure, because they were evil, heart and soul.

Go-Tsumichiado: Go forth and conquer and slay, because, y'know, they're EVVVILL! With BIG NASTY POINTY TEEF! *puts his fingers up his nose*
Advisors: "Oh Dear..."
*the troops are astonished*


The emperor was very interested in furs, in fact, so interested that he sent hundreds of japanese citizens into the cold depths of Manchuria to establish posts of trade in that cold and desolate land, this however, met with opposition from the Kago Ikki-Ikki, who, in 1489, decided to revolt against the Divine Emperor, claiming that sending 100's of japanese citizens out into the wilderness really wasn't good for his karma. Aided by the buddhist warrior monks they therefore tried to tell the emperor that that was a sort-of, bad idea, mostly by impaling the heads of their overlord's heads upon spikes and then proclaiming that people should return to traditional japanese family values.

One of the rebel Sohei.

The emperors reaction is rumorued to have been one of outrage:

Emperor: "Fetch my Katan! I will kill the messenger!"

But it was but a tiny little event compared to the horrors that was to come. First some guy killed some other guy. Then a peasant killed him. Then the shogun was killed and a puppet shogune was installed.
Then in October 1495 Ise Shinkuwara took Odawara Castle, which really upset some people, but not as much as the Petition for Redress that the Emperor granted.

The emperor spent the next few years wading in blood up to the ankles, except when he was wenching and quaffing of course. He invented many amusing ways of executing prisoners.

But then, in 1516 the chinese demanded that their japanese overlords invade Korea. The japanese did so, of course, and got away with Kyongju in the abrgain, which is nice.

 

[Farquharson]

Wow! You're certainly sprinting knee deep through the dead at a cracking pace! Are you actually keeping the rebels under control? If so, I'm very impressed .

 

[Arilou]

Wow! You're certainly sprinting knee deep through the dead at a cracking pace! Are you actually keeping the rebels under control? If so, I'm very impressed .

Actually I haven't had much problems with rebels at all. Money? Yes. Rebels? No. I've probably not gotten more than maybe 10-20 revolts in 100 years, whcih is a bit disappointing. (the measure of stationing a few thousand men in every province might have something to do with that though) Income is a different thing entirely, since the only territories I've taken are the Korean southern province and a few trading posts in Siberia my income is pretty low (on the + side my stab costs are low as well, which is a good thing) Also, Champa, China and Manchu are vassals of mine

 

[stnylan]

I'm guessing that is a function of annual revolts it you're playing the betas. If you're not then it is just incredibly lucky.

Anyway, good reading.

 

[Arilou]

I've been using the betas ever since they came out But compared with the Timurids the japanese are *easy*.

 

[J. Passepartout]

That rebel looks like a girl.

 

[Arilou]

OOC: Now, the big question with Japan is of course: Convert to christianity or not? It basically means I can't diploannex Manchu and China (which is bad) but also means I get a better religion and so on... What do you think?

Part VI: "The time the Land was at War"

Emperor Go-Nara was a peacefull man, except for Tuesdays. Tuesdays he rode out with all his Court and chopped the heads of rebels. Hah! Good Fun!

He was very concerned about the welfare of the Korean people, so concerned in fact, that when the Emperor of China asked him to annihilate their pitiful little nation he did so without questions. He then sent some of his most deadly ninja to investigate the state of the land

Ninjas.

The Ninja moved like shadows across the land, trying to discern why the Imperial monopoly really wasn't a monopoly yet, and why the Imperial Scholars really couldn't advance beyond step two in the "How to become a powerful-trade-empire in 10 easy steps" The Ninjas noticed that it was the Korean's fault, the Koreans, in fact, was slowing the progress of Japanese research into the mysteries of economics.

Koreans.

Go-Nara: "So, my NInjas, what information do you bring?"
Ninja Messenger: "It's all the Koreans fault my Emperor! And also, our diplomacy suffers because we let comon louts rule our country, our research and economic growth suffers because My lord, you're really not in control anymore. Our Stability suffers because we are innovative, our trade suffers because of our tariffs has made WTO force us to pay fines! (Free Trade reforms are being implemented as wer speak) We are very offensive, so offensive in fact that our enemies are even more shocked than otherwise. We are also pretty landed, and our people are of the highest quality. We also are very much into the entire serfdom-thing, which makes our production plummet."
Go-Nara: "Ah... You bring bad news is it so?"
Ninja-Messenger: "eh... Yes?"
Go-Nara: "You know what I have to do to messengers who bring me bad news?"
Ninja-Messenger: "Eh... Yes."
Go-Nara: "Good." *the Emperor draws his blade and with a single swift cut decapitates the Ninja*

The Ninja is being decapitated.
Go-Nara: "Too bad. Good Ninja are hard to find.

 

[stnylan]

Go christian. It'd be fun

 

[Arilou]

The question is, should I try to diploannex Manchu and China before that? That will leave me with a gigantic wrong-religon wrong-culture but very rich empire... Or just stay with Japan (and Maybe Korea...) and try to find the Americas instead?