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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

unmerged(57215)

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May 20, 2006
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This is the first CK AAR I've done. I've been inspired by works written here, and, more importantly, the fact that it doesn't take much writing to make one if you're good with pictures.



My name is Oengus O'Brien. I realize the O has an accent over it but I'm far too lazy to do anything about it here. I don't know or care how to make the O with the little accent over it on a keyboard.





Behold the Realm of Ireland. In the words of my Ancestor Donchad O'Brien, the Unifier of Ireland, "This Realm be Pimpin".


Perhaps you wonder how an island of poor drunkards became the most powerful kingdom in Europe. Well, grab a gallon of ale or two to hold you off before the whiskey arrives and listen to the tale or Ire. Land.

This was my Great-Great-Great Grandfather, Toirrdelbach O'Brien. He was the Duke of Munster, and he had a vision: not being a talented General himself and already being 57 by the year 1066, he wanted his son to be King of Ireland. The northern counties broke apart and two of them joined my ancestor, giving him the edge. Once he'd secured an advantage, he used Machievellian tactics to set the stage for his son's rule. In other words, he stole money from old ladies, raised an army, grabbed some titles, and assasinated most potential obstacles.



This was my Great-Great Grandfather, Donnchad O'Brien. Rumor was that he was so well-endowed that he caused horses to feel insignificant whenever he wore tights (not that he was gay, this is the middle ages- it's cool for guys to wear tights! I swear! Don't you believe me?). His armor is still in the family museum, and the codpiece is the size of a viking longship.
It was this weapon that he used to conquer the other Dutchies and proclaim himself King of Ireland. He is considered the father of our country, and considering how many bastard children he sired, it's not entirely inacurate.




During the one-year-long reign of Gofraid, the legendary "Cockwalrus", my Great Grandfather, Ireland established it's rule over two territories in the Iberian peninsula. the kings of Leon, Aragon, and Castile would've complained, but they were busy getting their asses kicked by the muslims.



This is Cilline O'Brien, my Grandfather. He inherited at age 10 and ruled for 13 years, during which he took over half of the Iberian Peninsula as well as most of Morrocco and a few places in southern Italy.



Here's my Dad, Colcu. As the child of Cilline and the daughter of the King of Aragon, he inherited the last remnants of Christian Iberia. He began his reign as a 3-year-old child and ran into some difficulty when he was proclaimed to be a heretic for not disposing of the only useful person in the court, the Spymaster, who was a Muslim woman. Also he talked out of turn at Sunday school and made fun of the girls, but his heresey was eventually erased when he agreed to give gigantic bags of cash to the church, and, as soon as he came of age, he embarked on a quest to reconquer Iberia from the heathens. It worked, but it took 5 years and, in the final epic battle against the Homoerotic Emir of Seville, the Emir struck my father in the head with the legendary Iron Dildo. He died weeks later from this head wound, having just proclaimed Iberia to be free. He was Beatified and I tried to get him sainted as well, but the pope ripped me off, taking my money without giving Dad the sainthood. What a prick.


Finally there's me. I am the son of Colcu O'Brien and the whore daughter of one of the French dukes. My father ensured that everyone on my mother's side who was to inherit ran into an accident, and so we acquired territory in Egypt and North Africa along with about a fifth of France. Unfortunately, I ran into realm duress when I was six. Didn't stop me from financing and leading a crusade when I was 13. I conquered a lot, and when I returned, it was rumored among the nobles that I now had pubic hair, and so they capitulated and stop trying to duress my realm when I wasn't looking.



This bastard used to be the king of France. I had him excommunicated and waited until his nobles duressed his realm, then grabbed his title and declared war on him when I was 16. He cried a lot, which made me feel bad, but kicking his ass helped me feel better. Odd. Now I'm King of France.

That is the history of the O'Brien house, stay tuned for a tale of Empire, Victory, Despair, Erotica, and Pineapples.
 

unmerged(57215)

First Citizen
May 20, 2006
324
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The beginning of a Saga- er, well, middle really.



I just had to mention him- he was a noble who helped my father conquer Iberia, and his name makes me laugh.



I married the daughter of the Duke of Provence and Dauphine, and I'm hoping to knock her up and produce a male heir before the old dude croaks. This is the middle ages, its not like we have a lot of medicine, hell, most of my ancestors never reached 50.


I kinda do wish we had medicine, cause I need some viagr-


Yes! I knew it would work eventually, it just needed encouragement. In the meantime, I think I'll get ready to conquer something... Hmmm...


The Emirate of El-Arish, which doesn't actually control El-Arish thanks to my crusade, looks ready to fall. My troops move into position. My troops take after me, so it takes them a lot of time to be ready for any position whatsoever.


People I don't know want to marry other people I don't know. My court is so crowded that courtiers regularly beg me for permission to die. In the Kingdom of Ireland, you can rarely take a step without your crushing weight coming down on someone else's ambitions. This means you should go on a diet, fatty-fat-fat-fat! I suppose you'll retort with a comment about how my nose is big, but I'm the king and that's all that matters.


I always have to say to them "You like it Feudal, don't you big boy?" to keep them from declaring independence. I feel dirty, and it doesn't actually stop them.


Tune in next time for the Invasion of El-Arish, the pinapple promised will come then, I promise. Again.
 

EvilSanta

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Very promising start. You have carved out nice empire in short time. I have never done marriaging with such results.
 

unmerged(57215)

First Citizen
May 20, 2006
324
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EvilSanta said:
Very promising start. You have carved out nice empire in short time. I have never done marriaging with such results.

It's tough, I've been discovered during several attempts as I always have to take out a few successors before my kids are the first ones in line.
 

unmerged(57215)

First Citizen
May 20, 2006
324
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If the middle east only exports sand, what did they export in 1162?

The campaign of 1162


Damn, my wife died on me. There's still hope. I assasinate the husband of the Duke's grandaughter, who's already 17, then catch her on the rebound, even though I'm like 1,000 miles away. Nobody caught me and I managed to take the Royal marriage duty, even though, if you haven't noticed, I'm already richer than God!



No clue who this guy is, but I guess its a good thing that he finished his education. As you can see in the background, I've almost beaten El-Arish completely, so...


Ahh! No! The Emir lobbed a pineapple at me sometime during the battle. It didn't hurt much but it knocked me off my horse and caused me to be trampled by a rampaging horde of large women, the Emir's secret weapon. Now I'm seriously wounded. My testicles have been crushed! How am I supposed to have a male heir now!? Well, I have two already but one's a bastard and the other Isn't exactly Alexander the Great. Goddamn it, this is what happened to all of my ancestors (except Gofraid the Cockwalrus), and none of them ever lived much long after that. Well, I'll just have to kick some more heathen ass this campaign to make up for it.


These guys in brown are next. I just hope I don't go down in history as Oengus the Balless.


My bastard child starts education. I can't remember his name so I just call him "Bastard". I don't think he knows what it means.


It's off to war with the stool-colored sheikdom!


What luck! Just as I liberate the province, I impregnate my wife! Actually, I'm thousands of miles away and no longer have genitals to speak of, so it'd be more accurate to say that just as I liberate the province, someone else impregnates my wife. Should I be celebrating?

Next, the adventures of Oengus of Arabia
 
Last edited:

Veldmaarschalk

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What difficulty level are you playing ?
 

unmerged(57215)

First Citizen
May 20, 2006
324
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Veldmaarschalk said:
What difficulty level are you playing ?
Normal and Weakling. I realize its not the hardest in the world, but I've heard it tends to yeild a more historical map, rather than the Kingdom of Zirid being in the alps before anyone knows whats happening.
Still, I've played Ireland several times, and this is the first time I've managed to take over so quickly.
 

Veldmaarschalk

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Good luck with your first AAR.

It looks a bit like Evilsanta's :)

But that doesn't matter.
 

unmerged(57215)

First Citizen
May 20, 2006
324
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Veldmaarschalk said:
Good luck with your first AAR.

It looks a bit like Evilsanta's :)

But that doesn't matter.
both our aars look a bit like Phargle's :) . Knud Knytling inspired me to write a CK aar, but I also enjoy Heroes of Belgorod.
 

unmerged(57215)

First Citizen
May 20, 2006
324
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The campaign of 1163-4


Umm.... Hooray! ...Right?


Where's the "I intend to continue not giving a damn" option?


We continue to rock out harder than Meinhard.


We invade this crazy bastard's realm. It has no strategic significance, but I don't want to wind up in history as the guy who never conquered Arabia. I am "Oengus of Arabia!"


My steward is revolting.


My wife had a daughter and... wait, this is my other daughter. I have two?? Why doesn't anyone ever tell me about this sort of thing?!


I told the enemy diplomats to eat shit, now we have a shortage of fertilizer. I guess they took it literally.


This happened like 3 times already. She always gets accused of something. She used to be a muslim but my father finally relented and agreed to have the inquisitor torture her until she converted. Wait a minute! That makes him a bad person!



Pillaging: It makes everyone happy. Ever see a sad viking?
 

unmerged(57215)

First Citizen
May 20, 2006
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Hmmm... correct me if I'm mistaken, but aren't we kicking your ass, Mas'ud? Now I'm supposed to give YOU money?


Religious tensions are a great excuse to pillage and plunder.


I wonder who's banging my wife, but as long as nobody else notices that
1.) I'm not there to perform and
2.) Women don't get pregnant on their own. Do they?


I'm not going to be richer than God for much longer, am I?


Isn't it aggirvating and painful enough to not have nuts? Seriously.


Hey! I'm not being duressed anymore!
Who was it?


Crap, back in the old days I could never tell when this guy decided to un-vassalize until he repatriated because he's green, just like Ireland. Looks like the county of- um.... Prunes decided to join a rebellious dutchy in Scotland.


I don't know this guy. Why do I care if he borrows money?


Just as long as it's not Mas'ud because I think he's a pedophile. Don't take candy from him if he offers it, dear, he's like the Arab Micheal Jackson.

Next: The demise of Oengus
 

unmerged(57215)

First Citizen
May 20, 2006
324
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I should get an award for updating this thing so many times in 3 hours


Far away? I'm right there! I'm on campaign!


Not again, who is it this time?


Shoot! Spanish Marche! I'd better do something before they...


...Repatriate. Am I spelling that right?


The peasants in Kuwait, who just got conquered, demand more from their oppressors.


We did win though. It's easy to fight wars these days, ever since my Dad conquered Venice. The Italians ran over a lot of spain, but forgot about Venizia entirely so now It's mine, the largest single troop reserve in Ireland. Two regements, one commanded by me, one by my marshall. I bring it out every time I want to go to the middle east. Sometimes it can produce over 13,000 men! I wish I had that kind of potency, I'm not getting anywhere with this whole "Produce a male heir before you die" thing.


Hey! No way, people have know about all the positions since- wait, did you say "Combat"?



Little whats-his-name and Bastard are going to end up running the entire kingdom. Say goodbye to global empire, say hello to... what do you call it when everythng goes to hell?


Wow! 75 of them. They'll run away before they even get to the Middle East. We're at war with... lessee-


The dudes at the end of the arrow. maybe some day I'll declare war on the Seljuks, but I've built my empire on picking on little tiny states, I don't intend to change the age-old strategy now.

Ok ok I lied, he doesn't get demised this episode because I ran out of space what with the pictures and everything. Next time!
 

unmerged(57215)

First Citizen
May 20, 2006
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"Wildfire?" more like "Venerial Disease". I think the first venerial disease was syphillis, and that didn't come over to Europe until after theAmericas were dicovered, so they must've discovered it early. Actually, now there's a huge chunk of Arab provinces that are in revolt, so It's way worse than syphillis. It's like a new ultra-syphillis disease developed by the sluttiest mansluts in the world and released upon my kingdom.


Oh God it's not Mas'ud again is it? Christ, there should be a King in charge of locking these sickos away and- wait...


No idea who that was.


I'm running out of troops- I had 15,000 to start the campaign, That's a 4/5 casualty rate. This is a tough fortress, but maybe I can breach the walls!



Damn! Now I'll never get better.


I see a lot of great titles here, but where is the hereditary title of "Cockwalrus"? It hasn't been held by my family since the days of Gofraid.


I hadn't realized this guy had de-vassalized. Well, I intend to use him as a footstool for a month or two before allowing him to be a vassal. Oooh! Or maybe he can be the guy who carries my personal chamberpot around when we go on campaigns!


That's not good.


What the hell are you so depressed about?! I'm the one with Pneumonia! And my family has been keeping your ass out of the fire for generations.
Even crazy and depressed, she's better than anyone else in my list of about 500 courtiers as far as intrigue goes. And we're almost done with the siege!

So close...


NOOO!
 

Dysken

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Like your AAR, not too text heavy and i really like your sense of humor. Just the right amount of immature ;).
 

EvilSanta

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Dont you just hate when your king dies in siege or battle and gets inherited by some idiot?
 

kramari

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Heh, I was bored and decided to take a look at CK AARs (I only read HIO2 AARs). I like this one.
 

Pirate Z

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Great job creating this out of measly Ireland. Mind telling me what graphical mods you use? :p
 

unmerged(57215)

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May 20, 2006
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Meet Indrechtach O'Brien

Pirate Z: I use Grazianus' Mods, you can get to them here: http://www.europa-universalis.com/forum/showthread.php?t=215713



Indrechtach: 1166 and onwards




I am Indrechtach O'Brien. My father didn't want me to become king, and now he's dead. It's 100 years since the world came into existence.


That's my bastard half-brother, Maelodor. My father nicknamed him "Bastard". He called me Bastard too because he couldn't remember which of us was which. I don't blame him. Well I do blame him but not for that.
We had a bet: our stepmother always treats us like dogs, so I said to Bastard that she must be the legendary three-boobed monster of the Emerald Isle in disguise, so we took to the secret passages in the castle to see if it was true. Turns out there's only two, so I had to give Bastard the title "Duke of Asturias". There used to be an archbishop there but he became the pope, so now it's his.


Ok I know my dad thought that our spymaster was great, but she chased me around the palace demanding that I hand over the golden phallas, so I had her locked away. This guy is our new spymaster.


This is what my dad conquered. I hope to go back someday and finish the job, there's too many colors there that aren't green.


Our new policy when dealing with popular revolt is known as "Wussing out".



Back in the days of Colcu, the king of Germany was excommunicated so everyone ran in and took a chunk of his realm. I don't want to ally with him, he doesnt control much anymore.


Damn.


Yay!


Damn!


Yay!

I have the feeling my vassals do this just for fun.
 

phargle

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Seems like realms of a certain size just have that happen. Pretty irritating since they just revassalize, but I guess it reflects the difficulties with ruling such a large kingdom and keeping tabs on everyone.