Inevitable Defeat - Slovakia '44

[El Pip]

25th June

Leaving the dejected Hans to wonder what might have been had he been trained by someone more competent than the German intelligence services (for example a not very bright and easily distracted kitten) Tiso and Tuka are probing the mysterious world of the Slovak intelligence service.

"What I want to know is, how on earth did no-one notice we had such an obvious German spy." Tiso asked.

"Well I think there are two main reasons." General Malar answered. "One, everyone was very busy dealing with the frantic and vital intelligence war that has been ongoing in Bratislava."

At this statement merely Tiso started worrying Malar's 'Race to Bratislava' mania was worse than he had initially feared. In contrast Tuka just vibrated with rage. Malar continued obliviously.

"Two, we may not have appointed the right man as Minister of Security. To be honest I think he's too compassionate and a bit soft." Malar said, handing over the file on the Minister for Security.

Janko Jesensky; poet, novelist, master of literary critical realism, author of the famous polemic novel 'Democrats', supporter of a free and independent Slovakia and staunch anti-fascist. In many ways the natural choice to be head of counter-intelligence for an autocratic, fascist, puppet dictatorship.​

There had been a point at which Tuka would have exploded with rage at such a revelation, however after the string of inexplicable and enraging decisions he found he was suffering from explosion fatigue. Instead he watched Tiso break open the hipflask and started to wonder if he should get one for himself.

--
Bonus Fact - In fairness Janko Jesensky was a Slovak nationalist, but only in the sense he thought an independent Slovakia was a good idea. As an added disqualification he was 69 in 1944 and barely a year away from death. But I suppose in comparison to the many, many other reasons he wouldn't be a good Minister for Security that one barely counts.

 

[El Pip]

26th June

Having taken an early break to recover from the news that their head of security is in fact an anti-fascist poet, Tiso and Tuka return bright and early the next day to the issue of intelligence and security.

"First of all we need to sort out a replacement Head of Intelligence." Tiso started.

Tiso paused, fought down his terror without reaching for his hip flask, and continued.

"If you could please show us the options General." Tiso managed, receiving a nod of encouragement from Tuka.

As Tiso and Tuka awaited in dread Malar handed over the file. To their complete lack of surprise it was as awful as they had feared; the only candidate was indeed terrible.

"As you can see the only actual applicant for the job was Jaroslav Kratochvil, and he's patently unsuitable." Malar apologised.

"Unsuitable?" Tuka angrily questioned. "That's putting it mildly!"

"Indeed. What possible use is a former Minister for Industry and Trade from the Protectorate of Bohemia and Moravia as the Head of Slovak Intelligence?" Tiso asked.

"And he's Czech!" Tuka exclaimed, prompting all three men to spit on the floor in disgust.

"I'm afraid it's worse than that." Malar sheepishly explained. "It's not actually that Jaroslav Kratochvil who applied. It's the other one."

"Not?!" Tuka shouted.

"I'm afraid so." Malar said.

"Jaroslav Kratochvil the poet, fanatical Communist, Bolshevik apologist, anti-fascist resistance member and man wanted by the Gestapo!?" Tiso exclaimed.

"And he's Czech!!" Tuka yelled. Again. Louder. Prompting another round of disgusted floor spitting.

--
Bonus Fact - There were indeed two Jaroslav Kratochvil alive in the 1940s and famous enough to be on the internet. I think Paradox probably meant to pick the former Minister for Industry and Trade from Bohemia (who aside from being Czech was sacked and disappeared sometime in 1942, having never worked in anything even slightly intelligence related), it certainly would explain why he was an industrial specialist. However looking at the in-game portrait it is quite clear they picked a photo of the communist poet.

 

[El Pip]

26th June

Tiso, Tuka and Malar are being disgusted at the poor level of applicants for Head of Slovak intelligence; a German spy or a Czech communist poet.

"This is in intolerable, we clearly must replace Hans. We can't have a blatant German spy in the heart of government!" Tiso declared. Then wondered why, after all they were a German puppet.

"Is there no-one else?" Tuka asked.

"Well I suppose I could give it a bash." Malar volunteered.

"Presumbaly using the old general staff technique of monitoring the movement of supplies to learn where a new threat is mounting?" Tiso asked.

"No." Malar said. "I was thinking more of using the naval staff technique of monitoring port movements and ship basing to improve our naval intelligence."

General Malar was nothing if not helpful. And as Tiso would argue he often wasn't helpful, that didn't leave him with much.​

Seeing that Tuka was too busy being enraged, Tiso realised he had to reply to this madness.

"General, you do remember that Slovakia doesn't have a coastline, a navy or indeed a naval staff beyond one part-time officer who only works evenings and weekends?" Tiso asked.

"I'm well aware of those minor issues and that's exactly why I would focus my efforts on watching ports and boat movements." Malar exclaimed. "With all those disadvantages our naval intelligence efforts need all the help they can get!"

As Tuka ranted at Malar, Tiso cracked open the hip flask and reflected that the worst part was, after all he'd been through in the last few days, he could actually appreciate Malar's logic. Such as it was.

--
Vital Statement - I didn't change anything. Paradox genuinely thought Slovakia would need an Intelligence Minister with a naval focus and that this should be best carried out by the Head of the Army.

Bonus Fact - Not only is Slovakia lacking a navy it doesn't even have a river patrol boat. For the few years the had to have border guards on the Danube the guards had to ask for lifts from Czech boats to move about. Now they're in Schengen they don't even have that.

 

[El Pip]

27th June

Tiso and Tuka had taken another early break and had returned early on the 27th to continue the task of reforming the Slovak Intelligence services.

"So it's agreed, we'll go with the least bad option?" Tuka summarised.

Tiso nodded

"Yes, bad as Hans is the alternatives are all far worse." Tiso said.

Malar looked hurt and fought back the tears, but eventually nodded his head in acceptance.

"That only leaves the Ministry of Security, where I think we can all agree we do desperately need a change." Tiso said.

Malar, having dried his eyes and pulled himself together, replied.

"Maybe not, he's not that bad."

"Not that bad! He missed Hans for years!" Tuka yelled.

"Yes, but he's got better recently. Look at the progress he's making." Malar said, handing over the daily ministry of security report.

There once was a spy from Bhutan
who travelled by catamaran
this gave him away
so we caught him today
and that is why secondary sense-data is not to be relied upon in the mind independent world.

Janko Jesensky communicated his counter-intelligence triumphs solely through the medium of non-rhyming limericks, to do anything else would be counter to his poetic critical realist principles. Possibly.​

"This is awful." Tuka said.

"What?" Malar asked. "Surely it's good news we're catching Allied spies."

"No, I meant the poetry." Tuka clarified.

"Indeed. Bad enough the man's a poet, it now turns out he's not even a very good poet." Tiso agreed, barely restraining himself from reaching for his hip flask.

--
Bonus Fact - Critical realism and it's related poetry appear to be terrible. Or at least that portion of it freely available on the internet is. The poetry of Jesensky himself.. well perhaps it just doesn't translate well from Slovak to English so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. For those who wish to see for themselves his war-poem "Siberian Night" is quite easy to find on google. I can't really recommend it, but then I'm an engineer not a critical realist literary critic, so perhaps I'm missing it's sublime beauty.

 

[El Pip]

27th June

Tiso and Tuka are in a meeting with General Malar about the state of Slovak counter-intelligence. Specifically whether or not a staunchly anti-fascist poet who communicates only through non-rhyming poetry is a good choice for Minister of Security. That this even needs discussing tells you all you need to know.

"OK so he caught one spy, that hardly makes up for missing Hans." Tiso said.

"And he was from Bhutan!" Tuka roared and spat on the floor. No-one else did.

After an awkward silence Tiso continued.

"Though I'm dreading it, I think we need to look at alternatives." He said.

"With respect it's not just Bhutanese spies he is catching. Look at this." Malar said, handing over another note.

An undercover man from Greece
was caught by our secret police
His fatal mistake
was eating a snake
And that is why the crypot-literalist empiricist school must be resisted at every turn

The non-rhyming ending represent man's inhumanity to man. Apparently. But then in modern art almost everything does.​

"That's all very impressive, but I'm going to insist we look at the alternatives." Tiso said.

Reluctantly Malar handed over the dossier of potential candidates.

The dossier containing Slovakia's many, many options. Of course it is important not to confuse quantity for quality.​

As Tiso took a calming pull on his hip flask, Tuka went through the list.

"Well it can't be Durcansky, the German's hate him and forced us to expel him from the government." Tuka said.

"But he's Foreign Minister!?" Malar exclaimed.

Tiso, fortified by his hip flask, returned to the discussion.

"That is true general. But as the Germans won't let us have a foreign policy or conduct overseas trade he doesn't actually have responsibility or power over anything and that was close enough for the Germans." Tiso explained.

"None of us had the heart of tell him though, so we let him keep on 'working' in his office and just stopped inviting him to cabinet." Tuka said.

"We'd hoped he'd get the hint when he never got any work to do or never got sent any documents. But he still keeps turning up." Tiso finished.

--
Bonus Fact - Ferdinand Ďurčanský was a complicated character, and not just due to the shear number of accents above his last name. He was originally Foreign Minister but was kicked out of the Slovak government in 1940 under German pressure, his crime was not being anti-Jewish enough (that and he kept trying to organise a separate Slovak foreign policy). Despite that he continued to be a huge supporter of collaboration with the Germans right until the end, even trying to organise a stay-behind underground resistance in 1945. After a few years of running around various bits of the world (Argentina, the Vatican, Canada) and being sentenced to death by the new Czech communist government he ended up as head of one of the many Slovak exile groups and was very big in the anti-communist organisations.

 

[El Pip]

27th June

Tiso and Tuka are in a meeting with General Malar about going through the options for the new head of Slovak Counter-intelligence. Though in all fairness the Slovak government is already doing a sterling job in countering intelligence, and indeed all forms of thinking, throughout the country.

Having dismissed the first option Tiso and Tuka are working their way down the list of candidates.

"Next one down is 'Fritz Gejaz'." Tiso said.

"Assuming they meant Gejaz Fritz he's utterly unacceptable." Tuka stated.

"Because of his controversial and strong views on carpet bonding?" Malar asked.

"No! That's a ridiculous reason." Tiso wearily replied.

"Because he is too busy being Minister for Justice, member of the Council of State and Chairman of the Supreme Constitutional Court of State?" Malar asked.

"That probably should be the reason." Tiso replied.

"But it isn't?" Malar asked.

"No it isn't." Tuka confirmed. "Fritz's problem is that he's a bit too soft, all that time in court rooms asking for 'evidence' and worrying about 'due process' and the rule of law. Frankly he's just not got the right attitude to be head of counter-intelligence in a one-party national socialist inspired dictatorship."

"Whereas an anti-fascist poet was clearly an inspired choice." Malar mumbled to himself, beginning to understand why Tiso never left home without a hip flask or two.

Ignoring him, Tuka moved on down the list.

"Ahh this is more like it, this candidate lists his ambition as being a Prince of Terror. Just what we are looking for." Tuka said.

"But there must be some mistake." Tiso said. "This is the file of Tido Gaspar."

"Tido Gaspar!" Tuka replied. Hastily he picked up a hat and the respectfully took it off again. Everyone else just looked embarrassed.

"Yes indeed, we think he would make an excellent Prince of Terror." Malar replied.

"But how? He's the Head of the Slovak Propaganda Office! How on earth is that a qualification to be a terrifying Minister of Security?" Tiso asked.

"Simple, he intends to regularly and repeatedly publish Critical Realist poetry in all the newspapers and will keep doing so until the enemy spies are betrayed or just hand themselves in." Malar explained. "Apparently he intends to start with collected works of Janko Jesensky." he continued.

All three men shuddered at the thought, Tiso passing round the hip flask as they contemplated the sheer diabolical horror of it.

--
Bonus Fact - Gejaz Fritz was apparently a fair judge and Minister of Justice, or at least as fair as you can get in a fascist dictatorship. The fact the real Tuka kept trying to get him sacked for 'Being soft' on certain issues we can't really discuss here is another big mark in his favour. His name, of course, continues to be in the wrong order.

Bonus Fact 2 - Tido Gaspar (or Tido J. Zany or Joseph Gaspar or half a dozen other pseudonyms) was a life long propagandist and since 1941 head of the Slovak Propaganda Office. An unpleasant chap and very keen Nazi supporter he was a writer and ideologue more than anything else, certainly he was spectacularly unsuited and completely unqualified for being Minister of Security. That said he managed to win a literary award in 1935 for his book "Sailors" so he was probably more qualified than anyone else in Slovakia to be Head of the Navy, sadly this was not an option Paradox gave to Slovakia.

 

[El Pip]

27th June

Tiso, Tuka and General Malar are reviewing the candidates available for head of Slovak Counter-Intelligence. Thus far the options are an anti-fascist poet, a judge with strong views on carpet bonding (A line I will continue to use until this AAR ends or it becomes funny), a Foreign Minister who is utterly hated by the Germans and a Prince of Terror who wishes to inflict critical realist poetry on the country until all enemy spies hand themselves in. They hope that this means they've touched rock bottom. Their hopes are about to be dashed.

"Now we come to our last option, Ulian Pauliny." Tiso read from the file.

"'Ulian?'" Tuka queried.

"That's what it says here." Tiso replied, pushing the report over.

"Seems a bit suspicious." Tuka said. "What happened to the 'J' clearly missing from the front of his name?"

"According to his file he lost it in a bizarre dualling accident." Malar said.

"Really? How?" Tuka asked.

"Apparently he was trying to use two cheap razors at the same time and accidentally chopped off his J." Malar explained, in a joke that some people may remember from King Haakon and Fjords.

"Fair enough." Tuka said.

Tiso asked the question that had been bothering him all day.

"Do we really need a Head of Counter-Intelligence? What is there that we are trying to protect?"

"The goats!" Malar instantly replied. "Our Slovak Short-haired goats are the envy of the goating world."

"That does explain why the Counter-Intelligence building is full of goats. I had been wondering." Tiso replied, almost instinctively reaching for his hip flask.

The White Short Haired goat. Allegedly Slovak's greatest military secret. Although it probably actually originated in the Czech side of the country, just don't tell Malar that.​

"Shall we just get this Ulian chap in?" Tuka asked. "Apart from his name he looks well suited to the job."

Ulian Pauliny filed into the room wearing what was quite obviously a bad fake beard. There is a certain awkward silence, before Ulian sighs and starts to speak.

"If it's about the beard, it's covering up the scars from the accident." Ulian explains.

There is much relief and the interview continues, Ulian impressing the panel with his grasp of the subject. Things start to go wrong when some of the younger goats take a great interest in his beard, though he tries to fight them off eventually they succeed in stealing and eating his beard, revealing the unmarked and strangely familiar face below.

"Julian Pauliny-Toth!" Tuka shouts.

"How dare you return here, you've been exiled you traitor!" Tiso shouts. Louder.

"I came back to serve Slovakia, unlike you German puppets." Julian retorts. "I came to make sure the Allies win the Race to Bratislava and we don't just swap German overlords for Soviet ones."

"That was your plan?" Malar asks, hope in his heart at the idea of someone else believing in the Race to Bratislava.

"Yes." Julian replies, turning to face the young goats. "And I would have got away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you damned kids!"

--
Was this entire update written solely so I could get that last line? Yes, yes it was.

So it's back, mainly because I just had to write that scene after it came to me. Best I can tell Ulian Pauliny never existed, however Julian Pauliny-Toth did exist so I'm putting it down to miss-typing by Paradox. He was very high up in the Slovak National Party pre-war, but saw the ways things were going and in 1939 escaped to France and then Britain when France fell, spending the war working with the Czech and Slovak governments in exile in London. Again, clearly a natural choice as Head of Slovak Intelligence.

 

[El Pip]

28th June

Having taken a day to recover from Pauliny-Toth's terrible pun, Tiso and Tuka are back in the Counter-Intelligence building, discussing the need for a new Minister for Security with General Malar. Or more specifically discussing if there was a need for a Minister for Security at all.

"To be blunt I think we've wasted enough time on this, aside from the Goats we've no secrets to protect and I'm prepared to take the risk on that." Tiso states, boldly.

"I'm not even that bothered about the goats." Tuka confesses.

Malar, after getting over the shock, rallies.

"But this is a crucial position, intelligence will be key to resisting the Race to Bratislava." He said. "Look, we've just caught another spy."

A Portuguese secret agent
was sadly very impatient
His mission failed
when he was rapidly jailed
And that is why we must always embrace the primary social ontology to determine the truth of transcendental realism.

Whatever one may think of Janko Jesensky's skill (or lack of it) with socially realistic poetry, expressed through the medium of arrhythmic quintain, he was surprisingly good at catching spies. For a critical realist poet anyway.​

While Tiso took a calming swig from his hip flask Tuka decided for a more direct approach.

"General, vital as you may be to the war effort, if you read me any more of that bad poetry I will be forced to kill you." Tuka threatened.

"You wouldn't date, you would be arrested and shot yourself!" Malar blustered.

Deciding that stopping the poetry was worth the delay, Tuka summoned Gejaz Fritz, Minister for Justice and Chairman of the Supreme Constitutional Court of State, and explained the situation. Fritz then gave his legal opinion

"In such a situation I have no doubt the judge would throw out the case, the critical realist poetry defence is well established in case law. Getting a conviction in such circumstances would be like bonding smooth birch floorboards to un-foamed shag pile carpet - quite impossible!" Fritz explained, showing off his fine knowledge of both the law and carpet bonding.

Suitably afraid of reading out any more of Jesensky's reports, Malar merely handed them over to Tiso and Tuka.

It was somewhat surprising how many governments-in-exile decided that their top intelligence priority was spying on Slovakia.​

Faced with this evidence Tiso and Tuka were forced to re-consider their previous views on the unimportance of the Minster for Security.

---
I did indeed catch those spies, and more, during the first few days of the game. I can only assume every country get it's selection of random spies assigned regardless of how important (or otherwise) the target country is. Certainly it can't be a deliberate decision from Paradox, why on earth would Nicaragua want to spy on Slovakia? Did they even know where Slovakia was?

 

[El Pip]

28th June

Tiso and Tuka have summoned Foreign Minister Ferdinand Durcansky to help them address the burning issue of the day. General Malar is also present, but he's not helping address the burning issue. Or indeed helping any issue. However he is not burning, for now at least.

"So you see the importance of solving this mystery?" Tuka said.

"Indeed, I only wish I could help." Durcansky replied, apologetically.

"You mean you don't know?" Tiso asked.

"No, I've no idea what this 'Nicaragua' is." Durcansky confirmed.

"Are you sure?" Tiso asked.

"Well I know there is a country called Nicaragua in Central America and they are technically at war with us. But why on earth would a tiny basically fascist dictatorship thousands of miles away which hasn't committed a single man or gun to the war try to send spies to Slovakia? That would be silly." Durcansky said.

The group nodded at the wisdom of this analysis. Despite the risks they decided to consult their head of Intelligence, Hans Not-A-German Bernard.

"As I see it Nicaragua isn't a name, it's an acronym." Hans explained.

"Really?" Tuka asked, sceptically.

"Yes, I believe these spies are actually the work of the Northern Ireland Co-ordination Authority for Reconnoitring and Attacking Germany's Unusual Allies!" Hans exclaimed.

"Northern Irish?" Tuka asked, even more sceptically.

It shouldn't need saying that Tiso was dealing with this revelation by finding solace in his hip flask. But I'll say it anyway, just in case.

"It's unusual I accept." Hans conceded. "But it makes a lot more sense than the country Nicaragua being responsible."

Tiso and Tuka considered the matter and agreed with Hans' reasoning. Besides they liked the idea of Slovakia being an 'unusual ally' instead of just a 'pathetic puppet'.

Warming to the subject Hans continued. "It is clear to me that N.I.C.A.R.A.G.U.A. has been very busy indeed, just look at this." He said, passing over a file. "All these nations working so hard to under-mine the unity of the Slovak people."

Even after Jesensky's impressive haul of spies Slovakia was plagued with foreign agents trying to under-mine the Slovak government. One can only assume the spy masters responsible had no idea of the sterling work the Slovak government was doing to undermine itself.​

"You realise what this means?" A suddenly energetic Tiso asked.

The assembled group shook their heads.

"It means that General Malar has been correct all this time, there is a Race to Bratislava. Why else would so many countries be working so hard to under-mine us?" Tiso continued.

"General Malar, summon the General Staff and prepare the situation room." Tuka commanded, infused with Tiso infections energy. "Slovakia must prepare for Total War!"

As the revitalised Tiso and Tuka leave the room, along with the an elated General Malar and a confused Hans and Durcansky the Slovak Counter-Intelligence building is left in silence. A silence that is broken when a figure emerges from the shadows and laughs manically.

"Just as planned!" gloated Alexander Mach, ex-head of the Hlinka Guard and former Slovak Interior Minister.

---
Alexander Mach did exist and had those jobs from 1940 all the way up to the end of Slovakia. Indeed he is even in the standard HOI3 files as an efficient sociopath Minister for Security. However for reasons best know to Paradox he isn't in that job when you start and isn't selectable as an option, instead they picked the Communist poet. This is a shame as frankly Slovakia needs all the help it can get on the intelligence front (and every other front), there were indeed armies of spies destroying Slovakia's National Unity.

 

[El Pip]

29th June

Tuka, Tiso and General Malar have had a good night's sleep and have returned to the War Room in order to plot Slovakia's transition to Total War. Some people might say starting this 5 years into a global war is a little late. Some people probably aren't that familiar with Slovakia.

"General, please show us the disposition of the troops." Tiso asked.

Malar considered the question before replying.

"I'd say they are mostly disposed to optimism, however the current situation is worrying them somewhat." He said.

While Tuka ranted at Malar's damned literal mindedness Tiso summoned his willpower and resisted the lure of the hip-flask.

"Just show us the map with the army's current position marked on it!" Tuka yelled.

"You only had to ask." Malar replied in a hurt voice, handing over a map.

The Slovak Army in all its glory. Depressing isn't it?​

"Malar!" Tuka yelled. Again. Louder.

"What?" The partially deafened Malar asked.

"This is the map from 1941, we asked for a current map." Tiso explained.

"So it is." Malar replied, handing over a new map.

This seems strangely familiar. And also quite odd, why is the Slovakian Army in Hungary anyway?​

"Malar!!!" Tuka yelled, starting to worry he had started shouting too early and not left himself enough vocal range for his increasing rage.

"This is the same map." Tiso said, desperately trying to hold onto the tattered remnants of his earlier optimism.

"No it isn't, look in the corner it says 1944."

Tiso and Tuka looked. It did.

"That's quite a coincidence, the Army being in the exact same place it was three years ago." Tiso commented.

Malar looked shifty.

"It's not a coincidence is it?" Tiso asked, with dread.

Malar shook his head.

"So what you are saying is that for almost three years the Slovakian Army hasn't actually moved?"

Malar nodded.

"WHY?!?!" Tuka exploded, not quite literally but it was close.

A door on the far side of the room burst open and a strangely familiar voice rang out across the room.

"Perhaps I can answer that."

--
Genuine screenshots from the 1941 scenario and the 1944 scenario. Apparently the Slovakian Army spent the entire war sitting in Hungary for reasons that I confess are less than clear.

Also drama, setting everything up for the vital vote in the next update.

 

[El Pip]

29th June

Malar, Tiso and Tuka are discussing why the Slovakian Army (a) is in Hungary and (b) hasn't moved for several years. Or they would be had they not been interrupted by a mysterious figure entering the war room.

The figure strides forward revealing... a man who looks exactly like General Malar but slightly more frostbitten.

"Augustín!" Malar exclaimed.

"Yes Gustav." The figure replied.

"But I thought you.." Malar started.

"Froze to death on the Eastern Front alongside the rest of the Slovak Fast Division? You may have tried former brother of mine but I survived. We all survived." The mysterious Augustín replied.

The mighty Slovak Fast Division in German service on the Eastern Front. It may be called the 1st Division, confusingly using exactly the same name as another 1st Division already in the Slovak OOB but rest assured it is different. Apparently.​

"Brother?!" Tiso and Tuka exclaimed simultaneously.

"Oh yes, Augustín and I are twins."Gustav Malar explained, somewhat belatedly given the circumstances.

"Once maybe, but now I have no brothers except those who froze with me. You stopped being my twin when you turned evil." Augustín said.

"I turned evil? I'm not the one who's been running 'security operations' on the Eastern Front!" Gustav countered.

"But you are the man who sent me and the entire division there without any winter equipment." Augustín retorted.

Leaving the brothers to row Tiso and Tuka decide to discuss the matter.

"Well clearly we can't keep both of them." Tiso started.

"Yes, it would be far too noisy if nothing else." Tuka agreed.

"Given they are twins who've been separated for years one of them must be evil. We just have to decide which and get rid of that one." Tuka reasoned.

"Evil beards! Tuka exclaimed. "The evil twin will have a dodgy goatee beard or something like that."

They looked at the quarrelling Malars. They both had identical beards. Tiso's resigned reach for his hipflask is interrupted by Army Chief Ferdinand Catlos.

"Are we sure about getting rid of the evil twin?" Catlos asked.

"Of course!" Tuka retorted.

"It's just we're a fascist dictatorship allied with Nazi Germany. Wouldn't we want to keep the evil twin and get rid of the good one?" Catlos explained.

There is a general murmur of agreement from the General Staff.

"You make a good point." Tuka conceded.

"However it doesn't solve the problem of which to pick." Tiso lamented.

--

General Malar's first name is a subject of some debate. Paradox goes with Gustav. Pretty much everyone else goes with Agustín, a few crazy types put an 'e' on the end as well. Slovakia does have a division loaned to Germany in the 1944 scenario, admittedly in reality the division had been effectively destroyed in combat by about 1943, reduced to a 1000 man support 'division' and stopped being even a hollow shell formation by 1944. But hey, it's increased the size of the Slovak Army by 50% so I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. And now to the vote; which Malar to keep? You choices are;

A. Augustín Malar

2. Gustav Malar

III. Get rid of both of them.

In the grandest traditions of El Pip votes you are encouraged to vote early and vote often. Voting will continue until I start writing the next update which will be in [Random Number] days time. It's already been said, but I'll say it again, this has been Mod approved so this should all be fine. Should be.

 

[El Pip]

Couple of weeks of voting sounds about right, I'd have done it earlier but I'm trying to move house which (sadly) hasn't got any easier since last time.

Can I begin by saying I am heartened to see the blatant disregard for any pretence of following the options, I was also pleased to see 'Tanks' making it's traditional return, if not at quite the levels it once reached. And now to the current totals;

• Tanks - 1
• Snake Pit Pencil Fight - 1
• Keep both - 2
• Merge into a single unholy twin-based 'Boss Malar' - 1
• Keep Gustv - 2
• Tractors - 1
• Get rid of both Malars - 5
• Keep Augustin - 1
• The impact of advances in meat processing technology on minor Axis powers in the Balkans and Central European and it's economic implications - 2

Thus we see that, despite a strong showing from Gustav, keeping both of them and meat technology there is but a single runaway leader - getting rid of both of them. I'm probably going to start writing this sometime tomorrow (time allowing), so anyone desperately keen on a different option has until then to rally enough support to stuff the ballot box.

 

[El Pip]

30th June

Tiso, Tuka and General Catlos are discussing which Malar to replace. Given Gustav's history the fact this even needs to be debated is a damning indictment on Agustín.

"So it's decided then, we get rid of both of them." Tuka summed up.

"Yes, the General Staff all agree." Catlos replied.

"And they're not saying that just because it means they all get promoted one spot?" Tiso asked.

"How could you possibly think that?" Catlos said, almost looking offended at the mere thought. Almost.

"Well they're all busy filling in requisition forms to get their new rank stripes." Tuka noted.

"You can't blame them for being efficient." Carlos argued.

"Fair enough." Tuka agreed. "We'll get rid of both Malars."

"Just as planned!" A voice gloated from the shadows. Or tried to as it was rudely interrupted mid-gloat by Tuka.

"Really Mach?" Tuka sighed. "How?"

"What do you mean 'how'?" A peeved Alexander Mach asked.

"Well what is your cunning scheme and how does this help it." Tiso inquired.

"It's.. Well... You see... It just helps." Mach stumbled.

"That was always your problem Mach, jumping straight from hiding in the shadows to gloating without ever doing the hard work of coming up with a diabolical scheme." Tuka said.

"That's why we sacked you." Tiso explained.

"I know. And it wasn't fair, I had so many 'just as planned' moments planned as well." Mach sulked.

Leaving the fomer Interio Minister to sulk, Tiso and Tuka watch the Malars being dragged of.

"So where are they dragging them?" Tiso asked Catlos.

"To the traditional fate of twin generals who have both failed the Slovakian People." Catlos replied.

"Being torn apart by enraged giant snails?" Tuka asked curiously.

"Don't be ridiculous!" Catlos replied.

"Indeed, we don't have any giant snails in Slovakia." Tiso agreed.

"So it's the duel to the death with pencils in the snake pit then?" Tuka confirmed.

"Yep." Catlos confirmed. "Do you want a report on the fight?"

"I think not, it will probably be too magnificent to describe in words." Tuka said.

"It normally is." Tiso agreed.

--
And thus the Malars leave the cabinet and the former Army Chief Ferdinand Catlos smoothly slides into the top military job with barely a ripple.

Next we will be properly introduced to Ferdinand and find out what he intends to do with the mighty Slovakian Army...

 

[El Pip]

1st July

Tiso and Tuka have returned to the nerve centre of the Slovak military to see General Catlos unveil his cunning plan to avoid utter defeat. Given the situation it had better be an amazing plan.

"Slovakia is threatened on three sides, the Soviet menace in the East and the Allies in Italy and France and the Slovak army is an insignificant force amongst the vast armies assembled. Therefore the General Staff have decided there is therefore only one sensible way to deploy our forces." Catlos explained.

Tiso took a deep swig from his hip flask. As Catlos continued talking Tuka turned to his colleague

"A bit early for that isn't it? He's not said anything that terrible has he?" Tuka whispered.

"I know what he's going to say, so I'm getting the numbing effect in early." Tiso confided.

With a dramatic flourish Catlos pulled out a map and unveiled the scheme that was to save Slovakia.

"We call it the triangle plan, one division to each front. The 1st Division will got to Italy, the 2nd to France while the 1st Division will fight on the Eastern Front." Catlos beamed.

Lacking a hip flask to deal with the shock, Tuka took refuge in pedantry.

"How can you send the 1st Division to two places at once?" Tuka asked, having learnt from bitter experience not to start shouting too soon.

"We've got two 1st Divisions." Catlos explained.

"Why?!" Tuka asked, feeling it was safe to take the shouting up a notch.

"The original 1st Division was sent to fight alongside the Germans on the Eastern Front and we were told they had been wiped out in fierce fighting in 1943. So we raised a new 1st Division to replace it." Catlos said.

"And?" Tiso, suitably fortified by his hip flask, joined the conversation.

"The original 1st Division got better." Catlos explained.

"Got better from being dead?" Tiso asked, looking at his hip flask longingly.

"Yes. I'll admit it was a surprise." Catlos confessed.

Seeing that Tiso and Tuka were not responding, merely drinking and simmering with rage respectively, Catlos carried on.

"As the Germans think the original 1st Division are still dead they've let us have control back, so we will soon have the entire army back under Slovak control. We were going to rename one of the divisions to avoid the confusion, but it turns out we're not allowed to."

"Not allowed?!" Tuka shouted, unable to contain himself.

"Yes, it's Article 74 in the constitution, just after the bit about goats." Catlos replied, pointing to the relevant section.

To Tiso and Tuka's surprise, that was indeed the case.

While the duo fully realised that Catlos' plan was terrible, they couldn't actually think of a better one. As there were no good options, only various bad ones, they agreed to implement the Triangle Plan. Slovak troops would fight on every front in Europe.

--
And we're back. I decided on this scheme as it gave the best chance of finding odd things to comment on. Slovakia does indeed have two 1st Division (or 1. Pesi divize if one wishes to be picky) but one is still under German control as an expeditionary force. The Slovak constitution is also slightly odd.

Consider this a necessary scene setter, it is all down hill from here.

 

[El Pip]

2nd July

The orders were given and the division began marching, the only thing left for Tiso and Tuka to do was wait till the troops reached the front line.

After Catlos explained that this would take about three weeks the duo decided they might as well take a couple of weeks break.

15th July

Tiso's relaxing break in his mud bath (it wasn't actually supposed to be a mud bath, but Slovak plumbing was no more advanced than the rest of the country's technology) was interrupted by a messenger. The Foreign Ministry has important news from their Germanic overlords!

Arriving in the capital Tiso and Tuka met with the cabinet to discuss the news.

"The German foreign ministry has offered us a trade agreement." Durcansky explained.

Over the babble of excited voices Tiso asserted his authority

"Does this deal offer us a chance to break free of our impending resource crisis?"

"No." Durcansky stated. "The Germans want us to sell them supplies."

How... Helpful.​

"Do we actually have that much supplies?" Tiso asked out of curiosity.

"If we devoted the entirety of Slovak industry to that task then..." Production Minister Pruzinsky pulled out an abacus and did some quick work on it "No, probably not."

"And we are in fact OK for money?" Tuka asked.

"That is the only thing we are not going to run out of." Pruzinsky replied.

"And we are still banned from trade deals?" Tiso checked.

"Yes." Durcansky said.

"So in summary this deals requires us to swap something we haven't got and can't afford for something we don't need and can't use?" Tiso said.

"Broadly speaking, yes." Durcansky agreed.

"Well we'll reject it then." Tiso decided.

"You can't do that!" Hans Not-A-German Bernard, head of Slovak Intelligence yelled.

"Why not? What exactly can Germany do to us that they haven't already done?" Tuka reasoned.

As Hans failed to think of a reasonable answer, Tiso and Tuka reflected on the tough life of being a German puppet.

--
Look! An actual advance of time, that's almost two whole weeks of progress, weeks in which the three Slovak divisions failed to get shot at, bombed or defect, so that's something.

A stark reminder of the challenges of playing a puppet in HOI3. Still at least Germany knows Slovakia exists, which was a pleasant surprise.

 

[El Pip]

20th July

Tiso was experiencing a bracing cold shower (he was being rained on while out for a walk) when a messenger interrupted him with vital news from the Foreign Office. Abandoning his idle dreams of some form of covering on a stick to help keep the rain off, Tiso meet up with Tuka and headed to the Cabinet room.

"This vital news had better be actually important." Tiso threatened.

"There is a war on, so none of this rubbish about Soviet Industry moving to Siberia or years late reports about the Fall of Paris." Tuka agreed menacingly.

"This is about war." Durcansky said, passing over the telegram.

The thrilling Peruvian-Ecuadorian border dispute will be covered in unnecessary and terrifying detail in the Butterfly Effect sometime later this decade. Or maybe next. Definitely covered at some point.​

Seeing that Tuka was working up his vocal chords for a shouting fit, Durcansky hurriedly continued.

"If it was just a small border war we wouldn't of bothered you, but as Peru was allied to Brazil, and Brazil called in her Allies, this means Ecuador is now at war with all the Western Allies." He said.

At least Venezuela are neutral. And of course there is the Island fortress of the Galapagos to retreat back to. Or there would be, but there aren't any VP there so it wouldn't do any good. Plus Ecuador doesn't have a navy.​

Shocked that there was someone worse off than Slovakia Tiso asked the obvious question.

"Why on earth would they be so stupid?" Tiso said, fully aware of the irony.

"We think it's because the Ecuadorian government is composed of idiots." Durcansky said, utterly unaware of any irony at all.

It almost makes the Slovakian cabinet look impressive doesn't it? Almost.​

Tiso and Tuka exchanged a glance, hitherto they had thought the Slovak cabinet was as bad as one could get, barring Czechs of course. However as they hadn't let a single scheming, corrupt, thieving master psychologist run almost the entire government they were being forced to reconsider.

"And nobody in Ecuador complained about this particular cabinet?" Tuka asked.

"Apparently not, this sort of thing is pretty common in South America." the Head of Slovak Intelligence chipped in. "For instance the government of Colombia have gone insane." Not-A-German Bernard continued.

Full list of Colombian declarations of war not shown due to space.​

Ignoring the fact Colombia had declared war on Ecuador hundreds of times, interest focused on the later part of Colombia's decision.

"They declared as neutral after declaring war, can you do that?" Tiso asked, hope leaping in his heart as he saw a way out for Slovakia.

"I'm afraid not. We checked the Rules of War and Rule 3.4(a)/f Clause 4(xviii) is very clear - Declarations of War are serious, no backsies or returns and crossing your fingers doesn't count." General Catlos confirmed.

"Bugger." Tuka said.

--
All genuine events of course. I struggled to find anything about Juan de Diaz Mera, but that was because the name was badly mangled by Paradox, the name I think they wanted was Juan de Dios Martínez. They got the first name correct I suppose. Juan was President of Ecuador for about a year in the early 1930s before he was kicked out in a coup and retired from politics. Not actually corrupt apparently, or at least not obviously so by the standards of Ecuador. As for Julio Gallegos the head of state he wasn't a General, never had been and wasn't head of state at the time. He was in fact a Radical Liberal minister of public works who became President for two whole days in late May 1944 after a revolution to stop the previous president setting up a dictatorship. Annoyingly they have the correct President in the game files but decided to with the wrong chap because.. Sweden?

On the army side Paradox have got the pictures of Guillermo Freire Posso and Ramon Castro Jion mixed up and, perhaps more importantly, neither of those two were anywhere near power at the time. Instead those two were part of the Board of 63, the four man military Junta who ran the country 1963 and 1966, as was Army Chief Luis Cabrera Sevilla. Still could be worse, Navy Chief Penaherrera certainly isn't correct and probably doesn't exist.

Now knowing much more about Ecuador than you could ever wish to know, I can proudly announce that the next update will have some actual action.!

 

[El Pip]

22nd July

It has begun. The mighty Slovak 1st Infantry Division has reached the Italian front (as opposed to the mighty 1st Infantry Division that is already on the front lines of the Eastern Front). Tiso and Tuka are awaiting news from the front.

"So you say this device allows the transmission of a voice over a large distance?" Pruzinksy said, holding up his monocle in order to better study the device on the desk.

After sharing a glance with his fellow leader, Tuka responded.

"Yes. Now could you please step away from the telephone, we are awaiting news." He said.

Monte Castello, a location of such vital importance that historically it was the responsibility of the Brazilian Expeditionary Force to liberate it. It was therefore somewhat fitting that the Slovakia be charged with it's defence this time around.​

31st July

With the Axis forces having held out for almost ten days Tiso and Tuka are beginning to risk getting their hopes up. It's been over a week since Tiso has resorted to hip flask and Tuka's vocal chords are starting to heal.

Suddenly the phone rings, General Catlos picked it up and answered.

"Really? Are you sure? That does sound quite an unfortunate oversight. OK, if you are sure." Catlos said.

After that in no way reassuring conversation, Catlos looked up to the rest of the group.

"Well it appears there was a bit of a mix up. For some reason the Waffen-SS mountain division had become Croatian, and two of the other German infantry divisions had also decided to change into foreign uniforms. As you can imagine that was causing a bit of confusion so they all decided to get changed into proper uniforms." Catlos explained.

"And that's all?" Tiso said, torn between relief and terror that utter incompetence wasn't just confined to Slovakia.

"Well while they were changing that did leave our division alone holding the line." Catlos said.

"Ahh." Tuka said, slumping into his chair.

Do you really need to see a screenshot of how this ends? Because I suspect it goes exactly as you would expect.​

"General Turanec and the Slovak Combat Group our rallying our forces in Montalcino." Catlos said, more in hope than expectation.

--
The Germans appear to have decided to send expeditionary forces to absolutely every Axis member, bar Slovakia of course, which probably isn't doing much for their combat efficiency. But that is the least of their problems. Said units then decided to retreat without telling the Slovaks, which was an unpleasant surprise I must say.

The actual Battle of Monte Castello was the Brazilian Army's baptism of fire (some two and a half years after Brazil entered the war) and it didn't go well for them; the first five bloody assaults all failed. Eventually the US 10th Mountain Division was sent to help them out and the sixth assault succeeded, some three months after the 'battle' started. Sadly for the Slovaks they aren't facing Brazilians.

 

[El Pip]

1st August

Even as the war rages the business of government continued. Or in the case of Slovakia the lack of business. And lack of government. As Tiso and Tuka awaited news from Italy the were interrupted by their Armaments Minister.

"I know now is probably a bad time chaps, but I thought you should know we've officially burnt through our entire coal stock pile." Pruzinksy explained.

Slovakia does produce some energy so this isn't a total shut down, but you can't do much with 8 IC.​

Tiso would normally take a swig from his hip flask at this news. But with all the shortages he held back, worried about running out completely.

"I don't suppose you've managed to come up with a plan to fix this?" Tuka asked.

"Well the interior ministry did come up with one idea, a patriotic collection drive. Get people to donate what they can and cut down on what they use to free up more for industry." Pruzinksy said.

"And how does that work in practice?" Tiso asked.

"Well Minister Jesensky has written some inspiring and patriotic social realist poetry and we've told people that unless they donate generously we are going to publish it." Pruzinksy explained.

"That would do it." Tiso said, impressed despite himself.

As we fight the Soviet hordes
armed only with blunt swords
we're as doomed as a mole
unless we get coal
and that is the inevitable outcome of failing to trust an intransitive reality.

Janko Jesensky genuinely believed this would inspire people. Quite what they would be inspired to do is less clear.​

4th August

The results of the donation drive were being discussed in cabinet and Pruzinksy delivered the final totals.

"I think, on balance, it has been a qualified success." Pruzinksy explained.

"But still a success?" Tuka dared to hope.

"We certainly did recieve donations." Pruzinksy said.

"Yes but what of?" Tiso's bitter experience of Slovakia came to the fore.

How.. Slovakian.​

"I can confidently say the metal crisis has been delayed." Pruzinksy said, looking for the positives.

"But hadn't it been delayed anyway? Because due to the lack of energy we are using our metal stocks far more slowly?" Tiso asked.

"Well, yes. But now if we solve the energy crisis we don't need to worry about the metal crisis for a little while longer."

"But we've still no idea how to solve the energy crisis?" Tiso checked.

"Not a clue. Or the rare materials or oil crises either." Pruzinksy confirmed.

--
Genuine event. Almost as if the game engines knows.

I think the occasional social realist limerick is popular, at least with some readers, but if not I can stop including them. Does anyone have strong views on the subject?

 

[El Pip]

5th August

With the news from the domestic front continuing to be impressively bleak Tiso and Tuka are in the War Room hoping that things at the front are less awful. The poor, naive fools.

"Good news Generalissimus!" Not-A-German Bernard announced.

Tiso looked around in confusion before remembering he was, for some never explained reason, the Generalissimus of Slovakia.

"Just President will do. And what is this good news?" Tiso replied.

"The mighty 1st Slovakian Infantry Division has been returned to our control."

"That's the mighty 1st Division on the the Eastern Front, as opposed to the mighty 1st Division on the Italian front?" Tuka clarified.

"Yes, the one that died but then got better." General Catlos confirmed.

"We've got to do something about that name." Tiso said. "It's just getting confusing."

Taking a short break from the war, Tiso, Tuka and Catlos visited Gejaz Fritz, Minister for Justice and Chairman of the Supreme Constitutional Court of State, to ask about how they could get around Article 74 and re-name the division.

"So you see the problem?" Tiso finished explaining their situation.

"Yes. It's not an easy problem, I'd say it's almost as tricky as trying to use a double-stick carpet bonding system without appropriate underlay tackifier." Fritz said.

Having no idea what that meant, but suspecting it wasn't good, T&T both nodded. Catlos just looked confused.

"However, much as tackless gripper has revolutionised carpet bonding, there is always a way. I recommend using parentheses." Fritz explained.

"Parent he shes?" Catlos mangled the pronunciation, making it sound like one of the US Command Names readers may remember from Furious Vengeance

"No, parentheses. Like these ( )" Frizt showed off his legal training by pronouncing the shape. "Technically they don't count as re-naming so aren't covered by the constitutional ban."

Relieved there was a solution, Tiso ordered the unit renamed the 1st Division (East).

--
Progress of a sort. Almost. If one has a very, very low bar for progress. And more carpet bonding action from our legal expert, what more could anyone ask for?

 

[El Pip]

6th August

Somewhat hungover after celebrating the re-naming triumph (in Slovakia one must celebrate one's triumphs no matter how minor) Tiso and Tuka have returned to the War Room to find out what their newly [not technically] renamed division is doing.

"So where is the 1st Division (East) currently General?" Tiso asked.

"It had been assigned to the Lucky sector." Catlos read off the postage documents from Germany.

"Lucky? This is the Eastern Front we are talking about? The one full of millions of Soviets and Germans fighting a bitter total war? How can anything there be lucky?" Tuka was too surprised even to yell.

Being experienced in Slovakian affairs Tiso was more cautious

"This is because it's based in a town call Luck isn't it?" Tiso asked.

"Probably." Catlos answered. "Apparently the division moved into the town of Luck after the Soviets retreated last month."

"Retreated?! You mean the Germans are making progress, pushing the Soviets back?" Tiso almost reached Tuka levels of shouting. Almost

Catlos' reply was interrupted by the ringing of the phone.

"Yes? Oh really. Do keep me informed." Catlos said, putting the phone down. "It appears the Soviets want Luck back again."

When the Slovakian forces are the lynchpin of your defence, you are in trouble.​

"This isn't going to go well is it?" Tiso asked.

"General Carlaont is the finest mind in the Romanian Ministry of War. He assures us his two Romanian divisions will fight at least as well as our Slovakian heroes." Catlos replied.

Tiso and Tuka exchanged glances.

7th August

As Tiso and Tuka arrive General Catlos handed them the latest news from the East.

Who could possibly have predicted that? Apart from everyone.​

"Turns out it was a lucky sector." Tuka said.

"Just a bad luck sector." Tiso agreed, reaching for his hip flask.

---
General Carlaont was arrested and tried three times for war crimes, which is something of a record I think. Acquitted the first time, then a few years later they tried him again, found him guilty then pardoned him. Then a few years after that they re-re-tried him, found him guilty again and then released him again. If I had to guess I'd say he was actually innocent, the immediate post war Soviet trials were of the 'guilty until proven guilty' variety so anyone found innocent by them probably was. The subsequent trials were, I think, part of the Romanian dictator Gheorghe Gheorghiu-Dej's aim to be even less pleasant than Stalin, a challenging goal but he gave it his best, see for instance the aborted construction of the Danube-Black Sea canal.