Inevitable Defeat - Slovakia '44

[El Pip]

28th November 1944

Tiso and Tuka have assembled the ruling elite for a cabinet meeting. The worst part is that the motley collection probably is the best that fascist Slovakia could scrape together. Trying not to think too hard about that, Tiso began the meeting.

"Lets get military matters out of the way." Tiso ordered.

"Should be fairly quick, nothing was happening yesterday so things should be fairly quiet." Tuka agreed.

"Nothing is happening right now." General Kubela agreed, almost succeeding in not looking shifty. Almost.

"But?" Tiso was long practised in the ways of the Slovak General Staff.

"Last night the 1st (Bloody Cold) Division was attacked in Savarsin." Kubela admitted, gesturing at the message.

3:2 odds aren't that bad for the defender. And Stalin has purged so much of the Red Army that none of the Soviet divisions have a commander. Plenty of straws for the Axis commanders to clutch at.​

"That Hungarian division looks suspiciously pronounceable." Tuka queried.

"That's because they are actually Germans dressed up as Hungarians." General Malar joined the conversation.

"Why?" Tiso asked.

"To give them an excuse to run away?" Malar guessed.

"Which they did shortly after the second Soviet Tank division joined the attack early this morning." Kubela passed over the next message.

General Yeremenko has arrived with the 4th Tank Division to turn the tide for the Soviets. Even if the 72. Infantry division hadn't ran away, I think we can agree he was going to achieve that. Also of note is the 3 Fallschirmjäger division indulging the strangely popular pastime of "A parachute division dressing up in the uniform of a country that has no transport planes."​

Tiso, like everyone else with eyes, could see where this was going and reached for his hipflask.

Kubela duly produced the final, entirely unsurprising, part of the triptych;

It is unknown how many of those Soviet casualties were caused by laughing too hard, but it is probably higher than anyone in Slovakia would be comfortable with.​

"General Turanec messaged us just before the meeting that he is pulling back and intends to rally in the worryingly cultural city of Arad." Kubela completed his briefing.

Tiso forced himself to put the hipflask down as he knew he would need it later, the cabinet meeting hadn't even got to the Intelligence section yet.

--
Notes:
General Yeremenko was commander of the 2nd Baltic Front at this point, so he is very much slumming it by commanding a lowly tank division. The Soviets are massively short of generals and no-commander units are surprisingly common on the Easter Front (I have no doubt the units staring at Japan or guarding Siberia have all the best generals, as is required by the HOI3 AI).

On which note the AI approach to expeditionary forces remains baffling, the Axis countries do love swapping units between each other regardless of need or location.

 

[Bullfilter]

Plenty of rotten eggs on that Easter Front Poor Slovakia, they don’t seem to be getting any of those EFs. Mind you, that’s probably for the best.

 

[Andre Massena]

They probably swap expeditionary forces to make the minors feel better about themselves.

Look, we have a whole army group! Ignore the fact that 90% of the divisions are German.

 

[nuclearslurpee]

On which note the AI approach to expeditionary forces remains baffling, the Axis countries do love swapping units between each other regardless of need or location.

While the logic going into the decision of which expeditionary force gets sent to which front is...lacking, the basic idea from the AI perspective seems to be that by dividing up their units among various minors, they can balance out the supply needs. Which makes sense in theory, since if you're a backwards minor like Hungary or, saaaay, Slovakia, there's not much use in building your own inferior troops when you could just use technologically-superior German ones instead, but from the German AI perspective it makes lots of sense for those minors to use their IC to make supplies for the Wehrmacht while Germany focuses on more important things, like building tanks and/or retreating from France.

Of course, this being a Paradox AI, the actual result of this is rather more haphazard than it ought to be.

 

[Surt]

1st Division successfully disengaged again, another victory!

 

[sebas379]

Slovak casualty figures started with a 3 and soviet numbers with an 8, so that must mean slovakia is doing well, right?

 

[El Pip]

Plenty of rotten eggs on that Easter Front Poor Slovakia, they don’t seem to be getting any of those EFs. Mind you, that’s probably for the best.

Perhaps Slovakia should petition the Germans to rename the Eastern Front to something less likely to be misspelt, but nothing too crude or obvious like the Patriotic Front. That would be silly. ( ).

It is a shame that Slovakia is over-looked in the great Expeditionary Force handout, but then they are overlooked in every other field as well so it's not a surprise.

They probably swap expeditionary forces to make the minors feel better about themselves.

Look, we have a whole army group! Ignore the fact that 90% of the divisions are German.

It is also the only way Hungary or any other Axis minor is going to get tanks or any specialist divisions. So they can also parade their modern (German) divisions through their capitals to show off.

While the logic going into the decision of which expeditionary force gets sent to which front is...lacking, the basic idea from the AI perspective seems to be that by dividing up their units among various minors, they can balance out the supply needs. Which makes sense in theory, since if you're a backwards minor like Hungary or, saaaay, Slovakia, there's not much use in building your own inferior troops when you could just use technologically-superior German ones instead, but from the German AI perspective it makes lots of sense for those minors to use their IC to make supplies for the Wehrmacht while Germany focuses on more important things, like building tanks and/or retreating from France.

Of course, this being a Paradox AI, the actual result of this is rather more haphazard than it ought to be.

I can sort of understand that being the intent, but I don't think that is what is happening. Yes Germany is sending all sorts of high end kit to the minors (SS panzer divisions, regular panzers, lots of paratroopers and mountaineers) but the minors are sending forces back again, Hungary is loaning about a dozen Infantry divisions and some mountaineers back to Germany.

I suppose an infantry division takes less supply than an armoured one, so they do save some supply. But swapping mountain units does just seem silly.

1st Division successfully disengaged again, another victory!

A triumph by Slovak standards!

Slovak casualty figures started with a 3 and soviet numbers with an 8, so that must mean slovakia is doing well, right?

This is just the kind of eye for detail and optimism that could see you promoted to the Slovak General Staff.

 

[El Pip]

28th November 1944 (Continued)

Tiso and Tuka have endured the first half of their cabinet meeting, just the intelligence section to get through and they can go for a well earned and deserved lunch. Perhaps more of a sort of earned, very liquid, lunch. OK, so they are just going to go drinking, but they will at least wait till after the meeting. Hopefully.

Tiso squared his shoulder and braced himself for what lay ahead.

"Let's start with the home front." He announced.

"Slovak Counter-Intelligence has some disturbing news to report." Baron Von Killinger almost got straight to the point.

"They've failed to capture any spies?" Tuka guessed.

"Worse, they've captured another Papal Caribbean Spy!" Von Killinger passed over the damning report.

There once was a spy from Dominica
Who left a trail of silica
We followed the sand
To find his red hand
Thus proving that the correct ontological lens can reveal any transitive truth regardless of systematic depth.

Janko Jessenky giving a detailed explanation of both his spy-catching and philosophical methods. Maybe. At least he has avoided a repeat of the whole 'Imagist Poetry' debacle that occurred last time a Dominican Spy was captured.​

"How is this bad news?" Tuka asked.

"Well it's not directly bad news." Von Killinger admitted. "But think of the implications!"

Tiso tried and failed to do this.

"This is clearly the work of Pope Pius XII! He hasn't forgiven you for The Incident."

Tiso tried not to think about The Incident.

"How on earth did you reach that conclusion?" Tuka asked. Loudly.

"It's the Dominican Republic, named after the St Dominic and Dominican Order." Von Killinger answered.

Tuka looked quizzically.

"They are an impoverished wreck of a country thousands of miles away, yet they have somehow managed to infiltrate two spies into the heart of Eastern Europe." Von Killinger continued. "They must have had help from a higher power, like the Pope and the Catholic Church."

"I hardly think that is likely." Tiso rejoined the conversation. "You could say very similar things about Ethiopia and we keep catching their spies as well." He handed over the other message from Jessensky.

A spy from Adis Ababa
Disguised himself as a Casaba
The lack of a rind
Made him easy to find
Once again demonstrating that the failure to consider transcendental ontological depths will lead to epistemological failures regardless of intent.​

Janko Jessenky's mastery of counter-intelligence, and the socially realistic limerick, are clearly evident as he masterfully dismantles another part of the Ethiopian spying ring in Bratislava. Not a selection of words you often see together.​

"Mein Gott! The Coptic Orthodox are in on this as well!" Von Killinger screamed. "I must get my pistol, agents of Pope John XIX could be anywhere!" He ran out screaming his desire to die well for the fuhrer.

Tiso and Tuka exchanged sighs.

"Any overseas intelligence news?" Tiso asked.

There was a general shaking of heads.

"So the grand plan to steal foreign technology has thus far yielded?"

"Roughly nothing at all." General Kubela confirmed.

Tiso nodded, the benefit of low expectations was that you were rarely disappointed.

---
Notes:
Slovakia continues to attract spies from all the best minor powers.

Pope John XIX the 113th Pope of Alexandria & Patriarch of the See of St. Mark was, at that time, head of the Coptic Orthodox church in Ethiopia (unless you want to get into schismatic arguments about whether his appointment was fully in accordance with Canon 15 of the Council of Nicea, it probably wasn't, in which case alternative Coptic Anti-Popes are probably available).

 

[nuclearslurpee]

I can sort of understand that being the intent, but I don't think that is what is happening. Yes Germany is sending all sorts of high end kit to the minors (SS panzer divisions, regular panzers, lots of paratroopers and mountaineers) but the minors are sending forces back again, Hungary is loaning about a dozen Infantry divisions and some mountaineers back to Germany.

I suppose an infantry division takes less supply than an armoured one, so they do save some supply. But swapping mountain units does just seem silly.

Knowing that this is a Paradox AI we're dealing with, I imagine the actual logic ends up being something like follows:

GER: "Oh, no, I have too many divisions to supply...Hey, Hungary, have some tanks!"
HUN: "Wait but--"
GER: "Have fun!"
----
HUN: "Oh, no, I have too many divisions to supply...Hey, Germany, have some Mountaineers!"
GER: "Wait but--"
HUN: "Have fun!"
----
And after a few dozen more rounds of this multiplied by the plethora of pathetic Axis minors, it should be no surprise that we end up in the present situation. Another potential problem solved by Paradox competence and attention to detail!

 

[Bullfilter]

I’m still trying to work out what those spies from countries even more desperate and flyblown than Slovakia ‘44 are after. If it’s technology, then, then .... oh *pop* *glug glug glug* <pause> *glug* <collapse into alcoholic stupor>

 

[Andre Massena]

And we already knew the Dalai Lama was after Slovakia. Maybe it really is a grand religious conspiracy.

 

[Surt]

They want to steal the secret of hip-flasks, where Slovakia is very advanced.

 

[Bullfilter]

They want to steal the secret of hip-flasks, where Slovakia is very advanced.

Hands off Slovakian hip-flasks! Perhaps an effective line of propaganda (poetry?) could be run along those lines to motivate a staunch defence of the homeland. Or at least those scared little containers of Slovakian Courage!

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Hands off Slovakian hip-flasks! Perhaps an effective line of propaganda (poetry?) could be run along those lines to motivate a staunch defence of the homeland. Or at least those scared little containers of Slovakian Courage!

To think like a Slovakian, you must drink as one,

And pretty soon all your sense will be gone.

Over here even the booze is afraid of you.

Stay here for long enough and you will be too.

That should be enough, then again apparently that worked quite well in TT and everyone there is drinking and thinking like the government here...

 

[Bullfilter]

To think like a Slovakian, you must drink as one,

And pretty soon all your sense will be gone.

Over here even the booze is afraid of you.

Stay here for long enough and you will be too.

That should be enough, then again apparently that worked quite well in TT and everyone there is drinking and thinking like the government here...

Haha - this happens more when on phone or iPad. Scared and scared works.

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Haha - this happens more when on phone or iPad. Scared and scared works.

Swear you do this more than me and I'm the one on meds. Note to self: announcing forum come-back is apparently tempting fate enough to land oneself back in Hospital.

When people say Paradox games are expensive over a long period of time I don't think they had this in mind...

 

[Bullfilter]

Swear you do this more than me and I'm the one on meds. Note to self: announcing forum come-back is apparently tempting fate enough to land oneself back in Hospital.

When people say Paradox games are expensive over a long period of time I don't think they had this in mind...

Re hospital: hope it is neither serious (you know what I mean, as it’s serious enough for you to land in hospital) nor prolonged. Comeback can be on @El Pip time.

Re the other stuff: haste, small screens and stupid auto-correct/fill on devices. I’ll never get fully used to devices changing stuff after I write it. Tends not to happen much when I use the PC.

 

[El Pip]

Knowing that this is a Paradox AI we're dealing with, I imagine the actual logic ends up being something like follows:

GER: "Oh, no, I have too many divisions to supply...Hey, Hungary, have some tanks!"
HUN: "Wait but--"
GER: "Have fun!"
----
HUN: "Oh, no, I have too many divisions to supply...Hey, Germany, have some Mountaineers!"
GER: "Wait but--"
HUN: "Have fun!"
----
And after a few dozen more rounds of this multiplied by the plethora of pathetic Axis minors, it should be no surprise that we end up in the present situation. Another potential problem solved by Paradox competence and attention to detail!

You have undoubtedly diagnosed what is happening. I suspect the constant confusion from Paradox on how Expeditionary Forces are supposed to work didn't help.

I’m still trying to work out what those spies from countries even more desperate and flyblown than Slovakia ‘44 are after. If it’s technology, then, then .... oh *pop* *glug glug glug* <pause> *glug* <collapse into alcoholic stupor>

The secret of the Slovak Short-haired Goat? Both Dominica and Ethiopia are famous for their Goat Curry and I for one am sure that is not a coincidence.

And we already knew the Dalai Lama was after Slovakia. Maybe it really is a grand religious conspiracy.

It is all coming together, Jessenky must be on his guard for the next wave of religious spies.

They want to steal the secret of hip-flasks, where Slovakia is very advanced.

This is also very possible. The Slovak hip-flask can be drunk and refilled far faster than any other comparable hip-flask.

Hands off Slovakian hip-flasks! Perhaps an effective line of propaganda (poetry?) could be run along those lines to motivate a staunch defence of the homeland. Or at least those scared little containers of Slovakian Courage!

Alas no. Most Slovakians aren't allowed hip-flasks for reasons of productivity, morale and poverty. Plus punishment after the metal drive debacle, which T&T still haven't forgiven the public for.

To think like a Slovakian, you must drink as one,

And pretty soon all your sense will be gone.

Over here even the booze is afraid of you.

Stay here for long enough and you will be too.

That should be enough, then again apparently that worked quite well in TT and everyone there is drinking and thinking like the government here...

Top poetry, a fine change from social realism but without succumbing to the depths of... imagist. :shudder:

I remain delighted that this AAR (probably) holds the records for the most reader produced poetry of anything on this board, so thank you for contributing to that achievement.

Haha - this happens more when on phone or iPad. Scared and scared works.

Scared definitely works, not sure anything in Slovakia is particularly sacred these days. Maybe the Goats? Though even they are scared of all the goat curry obsessed spies milling around the place.

Swear you do this more than me and I'm the one on meds. Note to self: announcing forum come-back is apparently tempting fate enough to land oneself back in Hospital.

When people say Paradox games are expensive over a long period of time I don't think they had this in mind...

That doesn't sound good, best wishes and hopes for a recovery. Also you are definitely correct on not tempting fate, it can be a vindictive bugger at times.

Re hospital: hope it is neither serious (you know what I mean, as it’s serious enough for you to land in hospital) nor prolonged. Comeback can be on @El Pip time.

Re the other stuff: haste, small screens and stupid auto-correct/fill on devices. I’ll never get fully used to devices changing stuff after I write it. Tends not to happen much when I use the PC.

El Pip Time is the best of all times, majestic, un-hurried and rarely involving emergency medical treatment. I swear by it. Readers swear at it but they don't really mean it, after all they still turn up for the next update.

Also I am glad to see my decision to shun responding on phones and sticking to using proper keyboards appears marginally vindicated by your ongoing struggles with autocomplete.

 

[Wraith11B]

Inevitable Defeat is remarkably enough only the cover for a work of Poetry by the members of the Paradox forums, and the AAR only exists as a humorous inspiration of it.

Says so right in the forum rules.

 

[sebas379]

Pissed off the Dominicans, Copts and Orthodox parts of the world (the last one secretly as they'r officially to fly the red banner). If anyone needed more proof that the Race to Bratislava is the most important event of our time, there now appears to be a crusade aimed at their very heartland! What will T&T do, faced with such odds?