Inevitable Defeat - Slovakia '44

[El Pip]

14th November 1944

The Slovak government have gathered together for a cabinet meeting. After a brief discussion on industrial policy, mainly focusing on how it would be nice to have some industry in the country at some point, they move onto the war.

"What news from the intelligence departments?" Tiso decided to start on the relatively safe part of the briefing.

"Slovak counter-intelligence have announced a major breakthrough." Fritz handed over the latest message from the Ministry of Security.

A daring spy from Bhutan
Attempted to steal our plan
We spotted his dress
Then made him confess
However even the deepest penetrating of ontological lenses will fail to define the full depths of intransitive mind independent reality.​

As Slovak Counter-Intelligence is unable to explain why Bhutan is spending such efforts trying to spy on Slovakia, Janko Jesensky offers his own interpretation. Maybe. Perhaps. Or he could be talking about something else entirely.

"It's always good to catch a spy, but is this a major breakthrough?" Tiso asked.

"Bhutan in't exactly a major power." Tuka agreed.

"The Abwehr believe this is just a cover-story and that Bhutan is actually an acronym for a new spying agency." Von Killinger explained. "We believe this new agency is the Belligerent Horologiographers Unceasingly Tackling Axis Nations." He continued.

Tiso and Tuka exchanged doubtful glances.

"Well it's that or a small, impoverished and isolationist Buddhist Kingdom has decided to send multiple spies to Bratisalva." Von Killinger raised an eyebrow.

Tiso reluctantly nodded and moved onto the next part of the briefing.

"General, can you shows us the medium picture." He asked.

General Kubela gestured at the staff officers to unroll the latest map.

Well that doesn't look good.​

Tiso took a quick swig from his hipflask to calm his nerves.

"It appears as is the Allies may win the Race to Bratislava." He almost succeed in sounding calm.

"They are only 200km away, but we think they are distracted by liberating Yugoslavia and driving into Germany." Kubela explained.

"Whereas the Soviets, while being 400km away, are maintaining a fairly uniform steam-roller type advance." Malar gestured towards the 3rd Ukrainian Front.

Further speculation on exactly who would annex Slovakia was interrupted by a door crashing open to reveal a messenger

"Vodca, I bring urgent news from the Western Front!" The messenger passed over the telegram.

The Second Battle of Paris Begins. 6th normal Panzer and 9th SS Panzer are busy elsewhere so Jurech will have to defend Paris with only his brave Slovakians.​

"Generals, without German tank support can Jurech hold?" Tuka asked urgently.

Kubela and Malar exchanged doubtful glances while Tiso, who had a much firmer grasp of the situation, reached for his hipflask again.

--
Notes:
Bhutan is putting a lot of effort into spying on Slovakia. Certainly much more effort than the German AI is putting into defending Paris.

 

[Surt]

I see the British definition of Motorized is "Bring your own Medium Armour and have fun rolling over Slovaks with no anti-tank ability".

 

[Bullfilter]

While the notional odds in Paris would appear to favour the defenders, I fear they won’t have the endurance to see this attack off unless the Germans send some assistance. I think Tiso is right to be reaching for the hip flask!

Let us hope for T&T’s sakes that the Allies do win the Race to Bratislava: they would at least then be afforded due process before being executed for their war crimes!

Are there enough of these minor power spies being captured to form them into a penal battalion (Soviet style)? They could at least be armed with sharp pencils and indoctrinated into social realist poetical theory. A potentially potent force for abject, half-arsed amateurish futility: in the best traditions of 1944 Paradox Slovakia!

 

[Andre Massena]

Maybe they can give the Allies a hand in the Race to Bratislava?

 

[markkur]

The Second Battle of Paris Begins. 6th normal Panzer and 9th SS Panzer are busy elsewhere so Jurech will have to defend Paris with only his brave Slovakians.

Now that is a strange story to tell...or is it?

Bhutan is putting a lot of effort into spying on Slovakia. Certainly much more effort than the German AI is putting into defending Paris

 

[sebas379]

Hungary looks pretty doomed, but at least they are still fighting the Soviets. In the mean time the only thing slowing down the British advance is tea breaks.

 

[El Pip]

I see the British definition of Motorized is "Bring your own Medium Armour and have fun rolling over Slovaks with no anti-tank ability".

It is not a bad definition, though in fairness the Slovaks have limited anti-anything ability.

While the notional odds in Paris would appear to favour the defenders, I fear they won’t have the endurance to see this attack off unless the Germans send some assistance. I think Tiso is right to be reaching for the hip flask!

Tanks and Mexicans in urban combat, all sorts of things could go wrong for the Allies in Paris.

Let us hope for T&T’s sakes that the Allies do win the Race to Bratislava: they would at least then be afforded due process before being executed for their war crimes!

Are there enough of these minor power spies being captured to form them into a penal battalion (Soviet style)? They could at least be armed with sharp pencils and indoctrinated into social realist poetical theory. A potentially potent force for abject, half-arsed amateurish futility: in the best traditions of 1944 Paradox Slovakia!

Some sort of fair trial is probably the best T&T can hope for, the loss of the 1st (Original and Best) division in Italy may well have been a blessing in disguise.

A penal battalion of minor power spies is a very Slovak idea, my worry would be that indoctrinating people with Critical Social Realist poetry is probably a crime against humanity and T&T are in enough trouble as it is!

Maybe they can give the Allies a hand in the Race to Bratislava?

It would be the best long term plan, but when have T&T ever done what is for the best?

Now that is a strange story to tell...or is it?

It is a story that will be told in the next update, I leave the readers to judge it's strangeness.

Hungary looks pretty doomed, but at least they are still fighting the Soviets. In the mean time the only thing slowing down the British advance is tea breaks.

Tea Breaks and getting distracted by things more important than Slovakia (i.e everything).

 

[Andre Massena]

Hungary looks pretty doomed, but at least they are still fighting the Soviets. In the mean time the only thing slowing down the British advance is tea breaks.

And the valiant Slovakia defense of Paris

 

[El Pip]

And the valiant Slovakia defense of Paris

The Slovakian defence has amazed the Allies and everyone else, particularly those who had forgotten (or never knew) that Slovakia exists. But how long can they last without armoured support?

 

[Surt]

They can fortify themselves from their hipflasks!

 

[markkur]

It is a story that will be told in the next update, I leave the readers to judge it's strangeness

I'll take that as a caution to remember; "hot-liquids, Proximity & family-jewels."

 

[El Pip]

They can fortify themselves from their hipflasks!

Truly they are multi-functional devices, providing both liquid fortification of the spirit and a handy metal item to hide behind.

I'll take that as a caution to remember; "hot-liquids, Proximity & family-jewels."

That is the reaction I aim for in my readers!

And on that note we return, but not to Bratislava...

 

[El Pip]

16th November 1944

General Jurech and Colonel Lendvay are masterminding the defence of Paris from the Axis headquarters in Paris. With the departure of the Germans from the city they have occupied the main offices and begun to take certain other liberties. Their morning briefing is interrupted by a ringing phone, resigned to his duties Lendvay answers.

"Hello, you've reached Axis controlled Paris, currently defended by the greatest army in Europe." He said

"Greatest army in Europe, that's a bold claim." A British voiced replied.

"The Slovakian Army has successfully defended Paris more times than any other Army, thus we are best." Lendvay explained.

"Has anyone else tried?"

"Well, the French did."

"Everyone knows they don't count." The British voice scoffed. "Has anyone else ever tried?"

"Not so far." Lendvay conceded. "But we are still the best out of those who have tried. Anyway, what do you want?"

"We're just checking on the results of that last artillery barrage. We understand there may have been some collateral damage."

Lendvay looked out of the window along the Champs-Élysées. He decided this was a command matter and handed the phone to Jurech

"You could say there was some collateral damage to the city." Jurech admitted.

"Is there a major land mark no longer at it's best?"

Jurech looked at the debris and destruction scattered along the Champs-Élysées.

"That's one way of describing it."

"Did we flatten the Eiffel Tower or not?" The British voice got to the point.

"It is now Eiffel's Pile of Scrap metal." Jurech confirmed.

"Huzzah, I'll tell the 1st West Lancs they can stop firing the 25pdrs." The voice replied.

"You did hear what I said correctly?" Jurech asked in confusion.

"Indeed we did, the false tower is down and Blackpool Tower is now the mightiest pointless tower in all of Europe." The British voice celebrated before hanging up.

Mission accomplished, the British cease their attack. The 1st West Lanc Field Artillery Regiment congratulate themselves on job well done. Probably.​

"How strange." Jurech said, putting the phone down. "We should probably tell Bratislava that we have once again successfully defended Paris."

Lendvay chalked up another point for Slovakia on the "Times Paris Has Been Defended" scoreboard and started writing the telegram.

--
Notes:
The British AI did abandon the attack, no idea why. This seemed as likely a reason as any.

 

[Wraith11B]

Give the Slovaks their due
Defending Paris better than Montague
The Brits took down
the highest tower in town
Thus showing how critical realism might best relate to the realm of International Relations

 

[nuclearslurpee]

"Indeed we did, the false tower is down and Blackpool Tower is now the mightiest pointless tower in all of Europe." The British voice celebrated before hanging up.

In all fairness, simply the first part here is a sufficient victory to declare the war over, mission accomplished, and send everybody home!

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

"Indeed we did, the false tower is down and Blackpool Tower is now the mightiest pointless tower in all of Europe." The British voice celebrated before hanging up.

They think Blackpool and the Eiffel towers were pointless? Just wait till they see modern Paris and London then...

Also it took them barely any time to build that tower in the first place, if they want to rebuild it twice the size and with a bigger flag they can. Blackpool I love for very unashamedly building a smaller copy and sticking it on a wacking great building made of marble and granite which contains all of the actual attractions at Blackpool tower. The actual tower is pretty much just for catching tourists. On the whole, I have enjoyed it whenever I went there but the stadium next door beats it. Four star hotel and the bar overlooks the stadium so it's basically a ridiculously nice premier box. The rugby matches played there at Easter 2015 (I think?) were great.

Wait...if they managed to destroy the tower through shelling, does that mean they wrecked the only part of Paris that's actually nice to look at? I hope they didn't kill any pigeons.

Edit: this reminds me of the tale about that church spire with the Virgin Mary on top (think it was the Virgin Mary). Both sides had hold of this city and someone had very nearly knocked the statue off the top but it hung on...just. The British defending the city at the time began to believe that the war would end when the statue fell. The Germans when they held the city he,ieved whoever knocked the statue off would lose (since...you know, the British would have to shell them cos they were using the church as a base at the time. Godless bastards). Anyway the Brits do knock the statue down and the Germans celebrate. Then depending on which story you read they all surrendered within a week or this was one of the first cities to get firebombed heavily by the Americans.

Anyway, they put a replacement spire and statue back up after the war, and I think some priest actually suggested putting it back up in the famous wartime pose. Thankfully, someone told him no.

 

[Bullfilter]

Another bewilderingly swift update El Pip - you're on a roll!

And two successful defences of Paris? Hmm, while overall defeat may be inevitable, it seems they are still to be permitted some victories along the way!

And how British to celebrate the destruction of a French icon (like it or not) then claim victory for some mediocre English imitation! Can I have English fries with my Wimpy Burger, please?

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

And how British to celebrate the destruction of a French icon (like it or not) then claim victory for some mediocre English imitation! Can I have English fries with my Wimpy Burger, please?

Don't bring up cheap imitations Australia. Only the US has you beat in that regard. Imitation neo-gothic cathedrals, imitation English, imitation cricket and rugby (presumably taken from an imitation rule book sold to you by the French) and bizarrely enough, imitation South Wales...I mean, of things to imitate...

Even the French can't get imitation quite right sometimes. Giving their president a palace three times the size of the white house and about as fancy as Buck Pal doesn't to me seem like they've understood what exactly they want their president to be like.

 

[Wraith11B]

... and bizarrely enough, imitation South Wales...I mean, of things to imitate...

As an American who has not had the honor of ever getting close to South Wales... what part of the US is the bad facsimile?

 

[Hightemplar]

As an American who has not had the honor of ever getting close to South Wales... what part of the US is the bad facsimile?

My guess would be Trump and coal country

Good part El Pip, with help from the six panzer division Paris will never fall, also I would like to point out that Paris was held by the English during the Hundred Years' War

But a question. With the arc du rubble and the Eiffel scrap heap done which tourist attraction will the allies destroy next? (It can't be any of the palaces as the allied officers need somewhere to stay post recapture)

Furthermore it is my opinion that El Pip should continue with For King Haakon and the Fjords