Inevitable Defeat - Slovakia '44

[El Pip]

10th September

Having grown tied of Malar's increasingly strained acronyms, Tiso and Tuka have returned to the cabinet room where, for once, the Civil-Total Sub-War War War War War was not the most vital subject of debate. Tiso was looking over his, for want of a better word, cabinet in confusion.

"What is he doing?" Tiso whispered to Tuka, pointing at Foreign Minister Durcansky.

"I've no idea." Tuka replied.

As they watched, it became clear Durcansky was explaining to a confused General Malar the difference between being dead and being alive and why Zombies weren't medically possible.

"I'm glad he's doing that, someone needed to tell Malar, but why him?" Tiso asked.

Grasping the bull by the horns, Tuka risked his sanity by trying to find out the reason.

"Durcansky, why are you doing that?" He asked.

"I am Minister for Health, it's my job." A proud Durcansky stated.

T&T looked at each other in confusion before consulting Gejaz Fritz.

"You did appoint him Minister for Health back in 1938." Fritz confirmed.

"But then I moved him to the Foreign Ministry and tried to ignore him." Tiso explained.

"Indeed, but as you never appointed a new Health Minister he technically remains in his old job as well. Much like a Wool Felt blend underlay with homogenised tacker, he is stuck there until removed." Fritz explained, using the under-utilised method of a carpet bonding technology metaphor.

Slovakia has no medical or health technologies at all.This fact should surprise absolutely no-one.​

Tuka's contemplation on Slovakia's health policy, or lack of it, was interrupted by the meeting finally coming to order and the discussion of the first item on the agenda.

"Janko Jesenky has developed a proposal to revolutionise the Slovak Intelligence Services." Hans Not-A-German-Bernard announced.

There was a gasp from the assembled cabinet as they read the ambitious document.

To defeat the Panchen Lama
We must look beyond Bratislava
Our agents are bold
They just need more gold
Thus we see that that emergent causal power is dependent on transient norm circle organisation.

While Jesenky is to be applauded for finding a rhyme for Bratislava, one has to question whether his application of the principles of social constructionism to the ontology of critical realism is correct or if he has unwittingly committed a quasi-empirist heresy, one that can never reveal the true stratified nature of intransitive reality.​

It was Tuka who broke the stunned silence.

"Why are we concerned about defeating Llamas in the Pashtun? Can you even be at war with a type of camel?" He asked.

"And do you even get Llamas in the south Afghanistan mountains?" Tuka added.

The Pashtun Llama, the most fearsome fictional camelid to be found in the Hindu Kush. With their strict code of honour, justice and revenge they would probably be at war with T&T's Slovakia, if they actually existed.​

"I believe Jesenky was talking about the Panchen Lama, the second most senior of the Lamas who runs Tibet." Pruzinksy observed.

"But what does that have to do with anything at all?" Tiso asked in confusion.

--
Notes:
Is it a dramatic cliff hanger? Is it a tease to keep you all interested and desperate for the next update? Does this split just exist because the update was getting a bit long? Is it in-fact all of those things? Some of these questions and less might be answered next time we return to Bratislava!

Bonus Factual Notes:
Tiso was actually Minister for Health in various 1920s/30s Czechoslovak governments and did a tolerable job by all accounts, though he did keep getting annoyed at money being diverted from Slovak hospitals to those in Czech areas. He was probably going to be become a Clerico-fascist Slovak nationalist in any event, but that experience didn't help.

 

[sebas379]

I'm surprised that Slovakia has the prequisite tech to start developing bandages at all.

 

[Noel84]

Slovakia has no medical or health technologies at all.This fact should surprise absolutely no-one.​

 

[Andre Massena]

I'm surprised that Slovakia has the prequisite tech to start developing bandages at all.

They still have to get to germ theory first.

 

[El Pip]

sebas379 - The HOI3 tech tree is a mysterious beast, while it mostly takes away it very occasionally gives.

SirNoelRules - Slovakia doesn't even have the tech for mayonaise. But you probably already know that.

Andre Massena - Just getting to the Miasma theory of disease would be an advanced. I believe Durcansky is a true believer in the Four Humours theory, as expounded by Hippocrates.

 

[Kurt_Steiner]

I just want to point out the beauty of speding four years to explain even less than four months of gameplaying. While it is quite easy to do the oher way round, you have to be a genius to achieve what Pip manages to do.

So... Pip, Pip, Purrah!

 

[Jape]

I just want to point out the beauty of speding four years to explain even less than four months of gameplaying. While it is quite easy to do the oher way round, you have to be a genius to achieve what Pip manages to do.

So... Pip, Pip, Purrah!

This the magic of Pip, where time itself slows to a crawl and everything gets a little silly and the Uruguyan football team flies to Wembley in an airship. Be enjoying catching up on this lad.

 

[Nathan Madien]

As they watched, it became clear Durcansky was explaining to a confused General Malar the difference between being dead and being alive and why Zombies weren't medically possible.

Durcansky says Zombies aren't medically possible. I know a couple guys who would disagree with him about that.

 

[El Pip]

Kurt_Steiner - It is a gift given to few. I feel it is only right than I share it with the world.

Jape - Indeed. I just wasted some prime writing time researching the reincarnations of the Panchen Lama and 1930s/40s Tibetan government policy. Just to write a couple of lines in a minor subplot that may not even survive to the final draft.

It is only that sort of commitment to utterly pointless research that allows me to make such majestic progress.

Nathan Madien - I put it to you, sirrah, that those gentlemen's career of producing and performing music came to a shuddering halt when they died, if not earlier. They are lucky not to have been prosecuted for false advertising.

 

[El Pip]

10th September. Part II - This time it's Tibetan

We return to the cabinet where Tiso and Tuka are trying to get to the bottom of a Tibetan Mystery. Starting with why on earth they are even talking about Tibet.

"Does anyone know why our Jesenky is so obsessed with Tibet?" Tuka asked in desperation.

"We did catch one of their spies recently." Intelligence Minister Hans volunteered.

Working as a mountain farmer
Would have been better for his Karma
Instead we tracked him back
By the smell of his Yak
Thus demonstrating that the meta-theory of epistemological relativism is fundamentally flawed and will never reveal a truly causal ontology

Jesenky may have had his flaws as a poet, if anyone could ever actually decipher his verse, but it cannot be denied he was a very good spy catcher.​

"We think the spy was sent by the Panchen Lama." Hans explained.

"I thought the last Panchen Lama had died and they hadn't yet found his reincarnation." Durcansky asked.

Everyone would have been very impressed with this deep knowledge of Tibet, had Durcansky not been reading that out from his copy of "Big Book of Religious Leader Facts".

"That's just what they want you to think!" Hans replied triumphantly.


Meanwhile, in the Tibetan capital Lhasa, the shadowy cabal of Monks running the country had finished meditating on enlightenment and were holding a cabinet meeting.

"So our Slovak spy has been caught?" Regent Taktra Rinpoche asked.

"It appears so." Intelligence Monk Kundeling confirmed. "May he reincarnate somewhere honourable."

There was a moment of silence in the cabinet, broken by a mournful trumpet blast.

"We must redouble our efforts, much like the journey to enlightenment this path will be hard but must be walked." Taktra instructed.

"And we are sure the Dalai Lama approves of this?" Security Monk Tsepon Shakabpa asked.

"Absolutely." Taktra nodded.

There was a doubting pause as the assembled junior lamas and monks looked at their spiritual liege

Taktra interpreted the way he eats his rusk to show that he is an isolationist, while his choice of cuddly Yeti over cuddly Yak toy clearly demonstrated his pig headedness.​

"It's just that they seem very similar to us." Foreign Outreach Monk Tharchin asked.

"Think of your Karma! They are unenlightened people, far from Nirvana. They don't even drink tea with yak butter in it. They are nothing like us." Taktra exclaimed.

"Well like us they are a small land locked country, with no resources, industry or technology, they are big on traditional values, are led by a right wing religious leader and don't have any elections." Tharchin explained.

"Shut up." Taktra responded.

The Tibetan cabinet. Don't let the amusing hats fool you, their mix of backstabbing, corrupt terrorising can be fearsome to behold. Also fans of Furious Vengeance may recognise the Head of the Air Force. Bapa Yeshe was the Blind General who's single division of Tibetan peasants did more for the war effort than all US forces combined.​

We return to Bratislava where Tiso is trying to move the conversation on as his hipflask is getting worryingly low.

"This is all very well, but what does he actually want." Tiso aked.

"Basically, more money." Hans explained

Some would say that as a German puppet many years into a global war it's a bit late to worry about how major countries view Slovakia. They are of course wrong, just getting the major countries to be aware of Slovakia's existence would be a major achievement.​

"And if we do not carry out his recommended course of action, but instead pass up this opportunity?" Pruzinksy inquired while polishing his monocle.

"People will see us as marginally more neutral." Hans said in a shocked voice.

The awful, awful consequences of not expanding the Slovak Intelligence Networks. Almost too terrible to think about. Almost.​

"This is ridiculous, it would be a waste of money." Malar declared.

"I agree, I can't see the advantage of doing it." Durcansky added.

"Well I think we should do it immediately." Tuka countered. "A major intelligence coup is our only chance of being taken seriously."

"I am also in favour of this measure." Pruzinsky added, to general surprise.

"But surely you can see it's a waste of money." Malar argued.

"It undoubtedly is, but as we are running a healthy surplus and are banned from trading what else were we going to do with those funds?" Pruzinsky explained his position.

Tiso, weighing up the various compelling arguments, made his choice.

"Tell Jesenky he will get his funds." He decided. "It's not like it can possibly make things any worse."

--
Notes:
Random events, what would we do without them. I'll admit the idea of a multi-national Intelligence Network being started in late 1944 did seem an amazingly Slovak thing to do.

Very few of the Slovak high command made a run for the border with sacks full of cash. One of the few who did escape was Durcansky, but then he was sacked and banned from the government in 1940 so didn't actually have any cash to grab. He was still sentenced to death in his absence by a Slovak (Soviet) show trial, so he was wise to run.

The Toddler Tibetan leader is the 14th and current Dalai Lama, winner of the Noble Peace Prize and actually about 9yrs old in 1944. But a pig-headed isolationist toddler is, I feel, funnier.

Bonus screenshot;

Gelug-pa is the school of Tibetan Bhudism that the 14th Dalai Lama comes from. So, despite being famously non-violent and a committed Marxist in real life, Paradox have decided he's actually a soft fascist. Another triumph of research, care and attention to detail.

 

[Athalcor]

Also, note the Tibetan chief of the Navy. The only websites referring to someone named Chama Samphe are HoI wikis.

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Moving over Tibet (LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD-shut it Lisa), the Slovakian government seems to be growing increasingly apathetic. Where is the ridiculous suicidal optimism of yore? Where are the grandiose thought of great power status and ignorance of powered flight?

I tell you, people of this good ARR, that this nation is sick and only I, a complete unknown in the political world, can make Slovakia great again!

 

[Surt]

Slovakia and Tibet are sharing their battleship research!

 

[Henry IX]

Gelug-pa is the school of Tibetan Bhudism that the 14th Dalai Lama comes from. So, despite being famously non-violent and a commited Marxist in real life, Paradox have decided he's actually a soft fascist. Another triumph of research, care and attention to detail.

To be fair to Paradox, he was 9 years old so he probably had not yet developed his Marxism and he was the head of a repressive absolutist monarchy, so the government type does fit.

Also, note the Tibetan chief of the Navy. The only websites referring to someone named Chama Samphe are HoI wikis.

I doubt Tibet ever actually had a chief of the navy, being landlocked and located on a dry plateau and all, so I guess making up a name is no worse than giving a real person a fictitious role. For example they could have gone with a person of the wrong nationality or a completely different political alignment, but what would be the odds of them doing something as stupid as that?

 

[sebas379]

Where would we be in slovakia without tibet!

 

[El Pip]

Athalcor - In fairness to Paradox Chama Samphe does appear to have existed, here is a report of him visiting Taiwan in 1959 - He was Deputy head of the Sikang-Tibetan anti-tyranny forces no less. That date does suggest he probably wasn't a general in 1944, but he might have been.

TheButterflyComposer - T&T are still turning up to work, which given the circumstances shows a impressive devotion to their (pointless) duty.

Surt - I miss the days of those challenge AARs (Nukes for Nepal, Battleships for Bhutan). I fear the ridiculous comedy challenge AAR is a dying art.

Henry IX - It's maybe the best choice of a bad lot, but that just shows how bad the choice is. Given that the standard HOI3 government types include specific types for relatively minor powers like Hungary they could have put in Theocratic dictatorship as a type and used that.

sebas379 - Tibet shows what a tiny, impoverished landlocked theocracy can achieve, it is truly an example to Slovakia.

 

[Nathan Madien]

Man, who would have thought Tibet would have such a gangster government?

 

[megaspider01]

This just reminded me too much of this AAR for me not to post it.

 

[Athalcor]

You mean like this?

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Gaze upon ye mighty and despair...