Hopefully
. But don't make such hasty claims about ending , they remind me of Metallica saying that their next album will be released in a year 201x...meaning it is going to be maximally 4 years!-
We have updated our Community Code of Conduct. Please read through the new rules for the forum that are an integral part of Paradox Interactive’s User Agreement.
Hopefully
. But don't make such hasty claims about ending , they remind me of Metallica saying that their next album will be released in a year 201x...meaning it is going to be maximally 4 years!
keynes2.0 - Possibly the first time anyone has ever said such things about a Slovakian tale.
Athalcor - HOI3 only came out in 2009, so assuming it takes as long again till HOI5 I've got years to finish this.
Andre Massena - It is hard to be as ridiculous as the AI.
Nathan Madien - I dread to think what the Slovak Ministry for Education is like!
Athalcor - HOI3 only came out in 2009, so assuming it takes as long again till HOI5 I've got years to finish this.
Andre Massena - It is hard to be as ridiculous as the AI.
Nathan Madien - I dread to think what the Slovak Ministry for Education is like!
I'm unsure whether to be angry that the forum notification system obscured two updates for me, or overjoyed that there are two updates at all
The story is amazing as usual. There really isn't any way you'll ever run out of stuff to write about with HOI3 AI's stupidity as inspiration.
The story is amazing as usual. There really isn't any way you'll ever run out of stuff to write about with HOI3 AI's stupidity as inspiration.
Gen. Marshall - I'm glad it's not just me who has problems with this notification systems. I can also further add to your joy, because we are once again returning to Bratislava!
21st August 1944
21st August
Frustrated at not knowing what was happening on the Italian Front, Tiso and Tuka tasked Slovak counter-intelligence to work out what the German secret plan was. They're not holding out much hope, but it passed the time. While waiting they have returned to the Presidential offices for another day running Slovakia.
Suddenly messenger #78 burst in, but is interrupted before he can speak.
"Why don't you messengers ever knock?" Tiso asked.
"No-one ever told me how to knock." The messenger replied.
Tiso looked at his Prime Minister.
"We did cut down on training to save resources for the war effort." Tuka admitted.
Tiso wondered what sort of people needed training on knocking, then realised he probably didn't want to know the answer.
"What is the news then?" He asked.
"News from the Eastern Front, Operation Geschwindigkeitsbeschränkungen has failed!" The messenger announced.
Sighing, Tiso and Tuka realised this meant yet another briefing in the Command Shed. And they'd barely recovered from the last meeting. Still, duty called.
Slightly later, in the Shed/Bunker.
"So what went wrong with Operation Guess winding keats be schrunken?" Tiso asked, flatly refusing to learn the correct pronunciation.
"The Germans were a bit ambitious and the Soviet refused to co-operate with the plan." Catlos complained, gesturing at the Map of Many Things.
This was almost a perfect 'Cauldron' battle, one that left an important armoured spearhead isolated and ripe for destruction. Sadly it was a German spearhead isolated, while the 3rd Ukranian Front just rolled on, but by Slovak standards it was at least a partial success, they were still alive for starers.
"We were going to take part in the plan to rescue the troops, Operation Gegenteil von dem Kessel, but that was cancelled." Catlos carried on.
"Why did they cancel Operation Go Go Tail Velodrome Castle?" Tiso asked General Viest, leaving a linguistic disaster in his wake.
"Operation Gegenteil von dem Kessel was cancelled for two reasons. One due to severe 'Von' rationing by the Germans we had to keep shortening the name." Viest said.
"Why are they rationing Vons?" Tuka asked, earning himself a kick from Tiso.
"For efficient standardisation, every German Theatre commander has to be a Von, unfortunately this has increased Von use exponentially and so rationing is required." Intelligence Minister Hans-Not-A-German explained.
"Indeed, and while the original title meant Opposite of Kettle, which made sense, Gegenteil Kessel means Contrary Boiler and that was just confusing." Viest continued.
Tuka was going to ask why all German military code names had to blatantly state the objective, then he remembered the pain in his shins and decided not to.
"The second reason is that the Soviets rather inconveniently attacked the relief force before it could get going." Viest said.
"So the 1st Division (East) is in action?"
"Yes, General Turanec is masterminding the defence of Suceava as we speak." Catlos boasted.
After being defeated in Italy by General Briggs and his mighty moustache, Turanec had been sent to the Eastern Front. Despite the numbers he felt he had a good chance, fighting a man without a moustache, or indeed a face, his own facial hair could rise to the challenge. With the 16th Panzer up front, and the Slovak's guarding the rear, he would fight for Suceava and prove his Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross wasn't a fluke.
As Tiso and Tuka digested what had just happened, a message from Slovak Counter-Intelligence arrived, there had been developments in their investigations in Italy.
Notes:
All the German theatres are commanded by various 'Vons'. Which explains a lot, as I can't imagine
Kesselring cocking up the defence of Italy this much.
Frustrated at not knowing what was happening on the Italian Front, Tiso and Tuka tasked Slovak counter-intelligence to work out what the German secret plan was. They're not holding out much hope, but it passed the time. While waiting they have returned to the Presidential offices for another day running Slovakia.
Suddenly messenger #78 burst in, but is interrupted before he can speak.
"Why don't you messengers ever knock?" Tiso asked.
"No-one ever told me how to knock." The messenger replied.
Tiso looked at his Prime Minister.
"We did cut down on training to save resources for the war effort." Tuka admitted.
Tiso wondered what sort of people needed training on knocking, then realised he probably didn't want to know the answer.
"What is the news then?" He asked.
"News from the Eastern Front, Operation Geschwindigkeitsbeschränkungen has failed!" The messenger announced.
Sighing, Tiso and Tuka realised this meant yet another briefing in the Command Shed. And they'd barely recovered from the last meeting. Still, duty called.
Slightly later, in the Shed/Bunker.
"So what went wrong with Operation Guess winding keats be schrunken?" Tiso asked, flatly refusing to learn the correct pronunciation.
"The Germans were a bit ambitious and the Soviet refused to co-operate with the plan." Catlos complained, gesturing at the Map of Many Things.
This was almost a perfect 'Cauldron' battle, one that left an important armoured spearhead isolated and ripe for destruction. Sadly it was a German spearhead isolated, while the 3rd Ukranian Front just rolled on, but by Slovak standards it was at least a partial success, they were still alive for starers.
"We were going to take part in the plan to rescue the troops, Operation Gegenteil von dem Kessel, but that was cancelled." Catlos carried on.
"Why did they cancel Operation Go Go Tail Velodrome Castle?" Tiso asked General Viest, leaving a linguistic disaster in his wake.
"Operation Gegenteil von dem Kessel was cancelled for two reasons. One due to severe 'Von' rationing by the Germans we had to keep shortening the name." Viest said.
"Why are they rationing Vons?" Tuka asked, earning himself a kick from Tiso.
"For efficient standardisation, every German Theatre commander has to be a Von, unfortunately this has increased Von use exponentially and so rationing is required." Intelligence Minister Hans-Not-A-German explained.
"Indeed, and while the original title meant Opposite of Kettle, which made sense, Gegenteil Kessel means Contrary Boiler and that was just confusing." Viest continued.
Tuka was going to ask why all German military code names had to blatantly state the objective, then he remembered the pain in his shins and decided not to.
"The second reason is that the Soviets rather inconveniently attacked the relief force before it could get going." Viest said.
"So the 1st Division (East) is in action?"
"Yes, General Turanec is masterminding the defence of Suceava as we speak." Catlos boasted.
After being defeated in Italy by General Briggs and his mighty moustache, Turanec had been sent to the Eastern Front. Despite the numbers he felt he had a good chance, fighting a man without a moustache, or indeed a face, his own facial hair could rise to the challenge. With the 16th Panzer up front, and the Slovak's guarding the rear, he would fight for Suceava and prove his Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross wasn't a fluke.
As Tiso and Tuka digested what had just happened, a message from Slovak Counter-Intelligence arrived, there had been developments in their investigations in Italy.
As we try to defend San Marino
It seems this war's a casino
A tactic that is sound
is to take the high ground
But non-preservative sublation of a stratified ontology remains the only way to define intransitive reality.
It seems this war's a casino
A tactic that is sound
is to take the high ground
But non-preservative sublation of a stratified ontology remains the only way to define intransitive reality.
For an anti-fascist Critical Social Realist Poet, Janko Jesensky was a surprisingly good Minister of Security. Possibly. Certainly after the event he always explained how his limericks had contained the answers, even in no-one at the time understood them.
--
Notes:
All the German theatres are commanded by various 'Vons'. Which explains a lot, as I can't imagine
Kesselring cocking up the defence of Italy this much.
Last edited:
New from 2 fronts, a map, and battle. Progress! And a command shed, this is a good day by anyone's standards. Well maybe not, but lets stay positive.
Italy sounds troublesome, but I'm sure Slovakia will have the edge in the Alpine mountains, what with the lack of roads and all.
Italy sounds troublesome, but I'm sure Slovakia will have the edge in the Alpine mountains, what with the lack of roads and all.
I am curious if the AI constantly changes it's plans because El Pip reloads the game every day.
Somehow I don't think relying on the Slovaks to hold a crucial part of the line by themselves is a good idea.
I suppose that, at this point, some negotiations with the main enemy (the Soviet Union) are necessary. By sending an emissary to Stalin and insinuating that, should Germany fall, its geographical position would ensure that Slovakia falls under Soviet jurisdiction, ie the SU would have to sort out the mess that the country is, you should put STAVKA in enough disarray to allow the Germans to recuperate and turn the surronded divisions into a pivot to counter-isolate 5 provinces occupied by Russian troops.
Wuh, wah, how did I miss THREE updates!? Oh right, by abandoning the forums. My bad...
It is very pleasing to see Tuka and Tiso back in action. And the bit with MacArthur and Clark was priceless. Oh, and your rampant use of Google Translate (or something similar) for the German operation names is lovely. When you get monstrosities like 'Geschwindigkeitsbeschränkungen' for something simple like 'speed limits' (I take it you were aiming for 'speed bump'?), you have to admit that the German language certainly has its place in the world.
It is very pleasing to see Tuka and Tiso back in action. And the bit with MacArthur and Clark was priceless. Oh, and your rampant use of Google Translate (or something similar) for the German operation names is lovely. When you get monstrosities like 'Geschwindigkeitsbeschränkungen' for something simple like 'speed limits' (I take it you were aiming for 'speed bump'?), you have to admit that the German language certainly has its place in the world.
Everything about the update was hysterical, this part in particular:
I have no idea what the bolden last line means, but it is living proof that Jesensky should be making Hallmark cards.
I have no idea what the bolden last line means, but it is living proof that Jesensky should be making Hallmark cards.
sebas379 - It was a day of days as the saying goes. I think we both know that there will never be a situation in which Slovakia will have the edge. If nothing else they shouldn't be allowed near sharp items for their own safety.
keynes2.0 - I play in longer bursts, make a great many notes and then the posts catch up. There's not much to do when playing as Slovakia, so you can get through long periods of time quite quickly.
Andre Massena - It's not a great plan, but surely a Slovakian division is better than nothing. Surely? Maybe?
keynes2.0 - That is undoubtedly the long term plan, but don't tell the Germans.
Giob - Using the threat of having to take over Slovakia to confuse the enemy, cunning. Alas T&T are convinced the world is in a Race to Bratislava, the Slovak government genuinely believe they are a prize worth fighting over.
SFSLovenought - I'm far from convinced Slovakia will get to 1945 at this rate, the Italian front is falling apart and the AI is flailing quite badly.
Stuyvesant - You abandon an El Pip AAR at your peril, they come back when you least expect it.
I am delighted someone appreciated the MacArthur/Clark section and I intend to keep doing the German operation name joke until the bitter end.
Nathan Madien - Even as the nation falls apart around him, the critical social realist poetry must flow. Let no-one say Slovakia is a nation without culture.
keynes2.0 - I play in longer bursts, make a great many notes and then the posts catch up. There's not much to do when playing as Slovakia, so you can get through long periods of time quite quickly.
Andre Massena - It's not a great plan, but surely a Slovakian division is better than nothing. Surely? Maybe?
keynes2.0 - That is undoubtedly the long term plan, but don't tell the Germans.
Giob - Using the threat of having to take over Slovakia to confuse the enemy, cunning. Alas T&T are convinced the world is in a Race to Bratislava, the Slovak government genuinely believe they are a prize worth fighting over.
SFSLovenought - I'm far from convinced Slovakia will get to 1945 at this rate, the Italian front is falling apart and the AI is flailing quite badly.
Stuyvesant - You abandon an El Pip AAR at your peril, they come back when you least expect it.
I am delighted someone appreciated the MacArthur/Clark section and I intend to keep doing the German operation name joke until the bitter end.
Nathan Madien - Even as the nation falls apart around him, the critical social realist poetry must flow. Let no-one say Slovakia is a nation without culture.
21st August 1944
21st August (Again)
We return to Bratislava as Tiso and Tuka are trying to decipher the latest intelligence report from their Minister of Security. This is not as straightforward as it would be in a normal country.
"I give up, this just makes no sense at all." Tuka complained.
"But this contains the secret of the defence of Italy, we have to find out." Tiso reminded him.
"Why?" Tuka asked, earning himself a kick in the shins from his boss for asking the wrong sort of question.
"Lets ask Fritz Gejza." Tiso suggested.
"But he knows nothing about military and security matters." Tuka said.
"He did write the Slovak constitution" Tiso reminded him.
"Of course! He has experience of making sense of complex, confusing and nonsensical documents." Tuka cried in understanding.
Summoning the Minister for Justice and Chairman of the Supreme Constitutional Court of State, they handed over the report to Fritz for his expert appraisal. After reading it through he gave his considered constituational opinion.
"That's a terrible poem." He said.
Resisting the urge to inflict violence on another member of his government, Tiso clarified his request.
"But do you know what it means?"
"Not a clue." Fritz admitted.
"Then we're no closer to working out the plan for the defence of Italy." Tiso sighed.
"Oh I know that one." Fritz replied.
"What? How?" Tuka asked.
"The Germans sent through the secret code name for the operation." Fritz explained.
Later, in the Supreme Command Shed.
"So what is the code name for the mission?" Tuka asked
"The plan is called Opeation Luaf weg zu eine Verteidigungslinie in den Apenninen mit Gotischen Architektur." Hans Not-A-German Bernard admitted. "But that is all I can say, the plan is highly classified."
"So the plan is to retreat to a line of fortifications in the Apennine mountains." Tuka translated.
"That, for some reason, have been decorated with Gothic architecture." Tiso confirmed.
"Mein Gott!" Hans shouted. "How on earth did you guess the secret plans!"
Ignoring their Intelligence Minister, T&T turned to their military staff.
"How is this operation going?" Tiso asked.
"There have been a few minor issues." Catlos admitted.
"It turns out fitting flying buttresses and finely carved gargoyles to a series of fortifications in the mountains is really difficult." Viest confirmed.
"But it's all finished now." Catlos said.
"So all the troops are in position?" Tuka asked.
"Oh no, the Germans are keeping their Only-Defend-Half-The-Country plan." Catlos replied.
"They believe that the Supreme Commander Allied Forces in Italy will definitely fall for it this time." Viest added.
The fortifications of the Gothic Line stand ready to resist the surging Allied Armies, their intricately ribbed vaults and vast, reinforced, stained glass windows primed for action. Admittedly the troops were still all crowded around the Adriatic coast, but the German high command considered that to be a trivial, unimportant detail
Meanwhile, in a bar overlooking Valletta harbour, Mallory and Miller are watching a small, windowless, transport boat going round and round in circles.
"Not that I'm complaining boss, but what are we doing." Miller asked.
"Making sure that the MacArthur and Clark's transport safely makes it to their destination." Mallory replied.
"But their boat has been going round in circles for days now." Miller said.
"Indeed, and it will be doing so for quite some time to come."
"Why?"
"Well MacArthur has requested a transfer to the Far East, and that is a long sea journey. You wouldn't want to short change the Supreme Commander would you?" Mallory answered.
"But what happens when they finally let him out, surely he'll notice he's not in the Far East?" Miller asked.
"All in good time Miller, for now my glass is empty and it's your round." Mallory said, pointing at the bar.
--
Notes: It remains a shame that the Gothic line wasn't decorated with appropriate architecture. Also, despite getting a good run at it, the AI remains confused by defending Italy.
We return to Bratislava as Tiso and Tuka are trying to decipher the latest intelligence report from their Minister of Security. This is not as straightforward as it would be in a normal country.
"I give up, this just makes no sense at all." Tuka complained.
"But this contains the secret of the defence of Italy, we have to find out." Tiso reminded him.
"Why?" Tuka asked, earning himself a kick in the shins from his boss for asking the wrong sort of question.
"Lets ask Fritz Gejza." Tiso suggested.
"But he knows nothing about military and security matters." Tuka said.
"He did write the Slovak constitution" Tiso reminded him.
"Of course! He has experience of making sense of complex, confusing and nonsensical documents." Tuka cried in understanding.
Summoning the Minister for Justice and Chairman of the Supreme Constitutional Court of State, they handed over the report to Fritz for his expert appraisal. After reading it through he gave his considered constituational opinion.
"That's a terrible poem." He said.
Resisting the urge to inflict violence on another member of his government, Tiso clarified his request.
"But do you know what it means?"
"Not a clue." Fritz admitted.
"Then we're no closer to working out the plan for the defence of Italy." Tiso sighed.
"Oh I know that one." Fritz replied.
"What? How?" Tuka asked.
"The Germans sent through the secret code name for the operation." Fritz explained.
Later, in the Supreme Command Shed.
"So what is the code name for the mission?" Tuka asked
"The plan is called Opeation Luaf weg zu eine Verteidigungslinie in den Apenninen mit Gotischen Architektur." Hans Not-A-German Bernard admitted. "But that is all I can say, the plan is highly classified."
"So the plan is to retreat to a line of fortifications in the Apennine mountains." Tuka translated.
"That, for some reason, have been decorated with Gothic architecture." Tiso confirmed.
"Mein Gott!" Hans shouted. "How on earth did you guess the secret plans!"
Ignoring their Intelligence Minister, T&T turned to their military staff.
"How is this operation going?" Tiso asked.
"There have been a few minor issues." Catlos admitted.
"It turns out fitting flying buttresses and finely carved gargoyles to a series of fortifications in the mountains is really difficult." Viest confirmed.
"But it's all finished now." Catlos said.
"So all the troops are in position?" Tuka asked.
"Oh no, the Germans are keeping their Only-Defend-Half-The-Country plan." Catlos replied.
"They believe that the Supreme Commander Allied Forces in Italy will definitely fall for it this time." Viest added.
The fortifications of the Gothic Line stand ready to resist the surging Allied Armies, their intricately ribbed vaults and vast, reinforced, stained glass windows primed for action. Admittedly the troops were still all crowded around the Adriatic coast, but the German high command considered that to be a trivial, unimportant detail
Meanwhile, in a bar overlooking Valletta harbour, Mallory and Miller are watching a small, windowless, transport boat going round and round in circles.
"Not that I'm complaining boss, but what are we doing." Miller asked.
"Making sure that the MacArthur and Clark's transport safely makes it to their destination." Mallory replied.
"But their boat has been going round in circles for days now." Miller said.
"Indeed, and it will be doing so for quite some time to come."
"Why?"
"Well MacArthur has requested a transfer to the Far East, and that is a long sea journey. You wouldn't want to short change the Supreme Commander would you?" Mallory answered.
"But what happens when they finally let him out, surely he'll notice he's not in the Far East?" Miller asked.
"All in good time Miller, for now my glass is empty and it's your round." Mallory said, pointing at the bar.
--
Notes: It remains a shame that the Gothic line wasn't decorated with appropriate architecture. Also, despite getting a good run at it, the AI remains confused by defending Italy.
Last edited:
Enter the Gothic Line with its impressive architecture of pointed archs, ribbed vaults and flying buttresses, supported by guitar- and drum-equipped bands clad in elaborate black costumes playing terrifying music. The Allies will turn tail and run, I'm sure of it.
Is it too late to employ this strategy in Transylvania? Maybe spread rumours of dracula waking? Though that is more likely to send Slovakia into panic, trying to figure out where it is, so better not.
Is it too late to employ this strategy in Transylvania? Maybe spread rumours of dracula waking? Though that is more likely to send Slovakia into panic, trying to figure out where it is, so better not.
Can I just say, your updates are so much better when drunk. With that said, it seems the brilliance of German war planning will not change. It is most glorious to see! Just curious, Is anyone competent in this war?
With that said, it seems the brilliance of German war planning will not change. It is most glorious to see! Just curious, Is anyone competent in this war?