Silly Slovakians, they should have known to hit the pause button; they would be safe right now. Amazing how brilliant strategems are always discovered too late. 
-
We have updated our Community Code of Conduct. Please read through the new rules for the forum that are an integral part of Paradox Interactive’s User Agreement.
Stuyvesant/H.Appleby - It is a mighty moustache, and that has to count for something surely?
NapoleonComple - Walking west is the emergency backup plan, best carried out when the Germans are distracted, as StrikerSVK notes they would probably notice all those Slovaks wandering across the Reich.
StrikerSVK - Good points, except about the resource income. Slovakia is so far in the red that there is no surplus for Germany to claim.
SSmith - I would say it's worked so far, but clearly it hasn't. On the other hand given Slovakia's start in life I'm not sure what would of worked instead.
sebas379 - 'not very good with the Germans' is a bit of an under-statement. They really weren't keen and as they could crush Slovakia even faster than the Soviets it is not a good idea to wind them up by appointing a man they hated so much they demanded he was sacked.
Nathan Madien - I would say it's a cunning plan by Ďurčanský to avoid justice post war by always hiding his face, I just don't believe any of the Slovak government is that cunning.
Luigiii2 - But do the Slovak's have the technology for buttons? I'd be surprised.
And now, back to Bratislava
NapoleonComple - Walking west is the emergency backup plan, best carried out when the Germans are distracted, as StrikerSVK notes they would probably notice all those Slovaks wandering across the Reich.
StrikerSVK - Good points, except about the resource income. Slovakia is so far in the red that there is no surplus for Germany to claim.
SSmith - I would say it's worked so far, but clearly it hasn't. On the other hand given Slovakia's start in life I'm not sure what would of worked instead.
sebas379 - 'not very good with the Germans' is a bit of an under-statement. They really weren't keen and as they could crush Slovakia even faster than the Soviets it is not a good idea to wind them up by appointing a man they hated so much they demanded he was sacked.
Nathan Madien - I would say it's a cunning plan by Ďurčanský to avoid justice post war by always hiding his face, I just don't believe any of the Slovak government is that cunning.
Luigiii2 - But do the Slovak's have the technology for buttons? I'd be surprised.
And now, back to Bratislava
27th June 1944
27th June
Tiso and Tuka are in a meeting with General Malar about going through the options for the new head of Slovak Counter-intelligence. Though in all fairness the Slovak government is already doing a sterling job in countering intelligence, and indeed all forms of thinking, throughout the country.
Having dismissed the first option Tiso and Tuka are working their way down the list of candidates.
"Next one down is 'Fritz Gejaz'." Tiso said.
"Assuming they meant Gejaz Fritz he's utterly unacceptable." Tuka stated.
"Because of his controversial and strong views on carpet bonding?" Malar asked.
"No! That's a ridiculous reason." Tiso wearily replied.
"Because he is too busy being Minister for Justice, member of the Council of State and Chairman of the Supreme Constitutional Court of State?" Malar asked.
"That probably should be the reason." Tiso replied.
"But it isn't?" Malar asked.
"No it isn't." Tuka confirmed. "Fritz's problem is that he's a bit too soft, all that time in court rooms asking for 'evidence' and worrying about 'due process' and the rule of law. Frankly he's just not got the right attitude to be head of counter-intelligence in a one-party national socialist inspired dictatorship."
"Whereas an anti-fascist poet was clearly an inspired choice." Malar mumbled to himself, beginning to understand why Tiso never left home without a hip flask or two.
Ignoring him, Tuka moved on down the list.
"Ahh this is more like it, this candidate lists his ambition as being a Prince of Terror. Just what we are looking for." Tuka said.
"But there must be some mistake." Tiso said. "This is the file of Tido Gaspar."
"Tido Gaspar!" Tuka replied. Hastily he picked up a hat and the respectfully took it off again. Everyone else just looked embarrassed.
"Yes indeed, we think he would make an excellent Prince of Terror." Malar replied.
"But how? He's the Head of the Slovak Propaganda Office! How on earth is that a qualification to be a terrifying Minister of Security?" Tiso asked.
"Simple, he intends to regularly and repeatedly publish Critical Realist poetry in all the newspapers and will keep doing so until the enemy spies are betrayed or just hand themselves in." Malar explained. "Apparently he intends to start with collected works of Janko Jesensky." he continued.
All three men shuddered at the thought, Tiso passing round the hip flask as they contemplated the sheer diabolical horror of it.
--
Bonus Fact - Gejaz Fritz was apparently a fair judge and Minister of Justice, or at least as fair as you can get in a fascist dictatorship. The fact the real Tuka kept trying to get him sacked for 'Being soft' on certain issues we can't really discuss here is another big mark in his favour. His name, of course, continues to be in the wrong order.
Bonus Fact 2 - Tido Gaspar (or Tido J. Zany or Joseph Gaspar or half a dozen other pseudonyms) was a life long propagandist and since 1941 head of the Slovak Propaganda Office. An unpleasant chap and very keen Nazi supporter he was a writer and ideologue more than anything else, certainly he was spectacularly unsuited and completely unqualified for being Minister of Security. That said he managed to win a literary award in 1935 for his book "Sailors" so he was probably more qualified than anyone else in Slovakia to be Head of the Navy, sadly this was not an option Paradox gave to Slovakia.
Tiso and Tuka are in a meeting with General Malar about going through the options for the new head of Slovak Counter-intelligence. Though in all fairness the Slovak government is already doing a sterling job in countering intelligence, and indeed all forms of thinking, throughout the country.
Having dismissed the first option Tiso and Tuka are working their way down the list of candidates.
"Next one down is 'Fritz Gejaz'." Tiso said.
"Assuming they meant Gejaz Fritz he's utterly unacceptable." Tuka stated.
"Because of his controversial and strong views on carpet bonding?" Malar asked.
"No! That's a ridiculous reason." Tiso wearily replied.
"Because he is too busy being Minister for Justice, member of the Council of State and Chairman of the Supreme Constitutional Court of State?" Malar asked.
"That probably should be the reason." Tiso replied.
"But it isn't?" Malar asked.
"No it isn't." Tuka confirmed. "Fritz's problem is that he's a bit too soft, all that time in court rooms asking for 'evidence' and worrying about 'due process' and the rule of law. Frankly he's just not got the right attitude to be head of counter-intelligence in a one-party national socialist inspired dictatorship."
"Whereas an anti-fascist poet was clearly an inspired choice." Malar mumbled to himself, beginning to understand why Tiso never left home without a hip flask or two.
Ignoring him, Tuka moved on down the list.
"Ahh this is more like it, this candidate lists his ambition as being a Prince of Terror. Just what we are looking for." Tuka said.
"But there must be some mistake." Tiso said. "This is the file of Tido Gaspar."
"Tido Gaspar!" Tuka replied. Hastily he picked up a hat and the respectfully took it off again. Everyone else just looked embarrassed.
"Yes indeed, we think he would make an excellent Prince of Terror." Malar replied.
"But how? He's the Head of the Slovak Propaganda Office! How on earth is that a qualification to be a terrifying Minister of Security?" Tiso asked.
"Simple, he intends to regularly and repeatedly publish Critical Realist poetry in all the newspapers and will keep doing so until the enemy spies are betrayed or just hand themselves in." Malar explained. "Apparently he intends to start with collected works of Janko Jesensky." he continued.
All three men shuddered at the thought, Tiso passing round the hip flask as they contemplated the sheer diabolical horror of it.
--
Bonus Fact - Gejaz Fritz was apparently a fair judge and Minister of Justice, or at least as fair as you can get in a fascist dictatorship. The fact the real Tuka kept trying to get him sacked for 'Being soft' on certain issues we can't really discuss here is another big mark in his favour. His name, of course, continues to be in the wrong order.
Bonus Fact 2 - Tido Gaspar (or Tido J. Zany or Joseph Gaspar or half a dozen other pseudonyms) was a life long propagandist and since 1941 head of the Slovak Propaganda Office. An unpleasant chap and very keen Nazi supporter he was a writer and ideologue more than anything else, certainly he was spectacularly unsuited and completely unqualified for being Minister of Security. That said he managed to win a literary award in 1935 for his book "Sailors" so he was probably more qualified than anyone else in Slovakia to be Head of the Navy, sadly this was not an option Paradox gave to Slovakia.
Last edited:
Tido Zany? That doesn't sound very terrifying (though granted, deploying Critical Realist poetry sounds evil). I wonder if his book "Sailors" really shows him as a man with a solid naval grounding (well, for Slovakia at least), or if instead it reveals some <ahem> 'deviant' interests that the Nazi overlords might be none too pleased with.
I realised from all those hip flask references that this AAR would make a perfect drinking game:
Character drinks from hip flask - 1 shot
Reference to Critical Realism Poetry - 1 shot
Actual Critical Realism Poetry - 2 shots (because you will need it)
Pointing out PI stuffed up name - 1 shot
Reference to lack of intelligence of Slovakians - 1 shot
Actual plot progression to a new day - 1 bottle (because there is no chance of that happening)
Character drinks from hip flask - 1 shot
Reference to Critical Realism Poetry - 1 shot
Actual Critical Realism Poetry - 2 shots (because you will need it)
Pointing out PI stuffed up name - 1 shot
Reference to lack of intelligence of Slovakians - 1 shot
Actual plot progression to a new day - 1 bottle (because there is no chance of that happening)
Slovakia is in the red? I thought they were ever so slightly in the plus with Metal and/or RM(then again when I last checked was on FTM when I started as Czechoslovakia, then loaded up Slovakia after the annexation and my 3 divisions, 2 of which Militia were first to Stalingrad when Barbarossa kicked off).
Countering intelligence Well, alcohol is known to kill brain cells, so I guess Tiso's hip flask is not the only bottle with alcohol in it in this story. And Gaspar's plan of working closely with Jesensky is just so crazy it might actually work. Then again, what would be the reaction of the populace? Nobody wants them to hang themselves, someone has to produce the alcohol for Tiso's hip flask, if nothing else.
@Davout: Brilliant idea, I'm doing that ASAP, except with just 4 shots for a progression to a new day, just in case a new day does happen.
Countering intelligence
Well, alcohol is known to kill brain cells, so I guess Tiso's hip flask is not the only bottle with alcohol in it in this story. And Gaspar's plan of working closely with Jesensky is just so crazy it might actually work. Then again, what would be the reaction of the populace? Nobody wants them to hang themselves, someone has to produce the alcohol for Tiso's hip flask, if nothing else.@Davout: Brilliant idea, I'm doing that ASAP, except with just 4 shots for a progression to a new day, just in case a new day does happen.
Just a quick warning: the game has actually progressed from the 21st to the 27th (in about five months real time), so sooner or later you'll be downing that bottle.
I suggest expanding your game to include a shot of something German (Jägermeister, perhaps? Or something equally hideous?) whenever the Germans show their face, vodka when the Soviets appear at the border and perhaps a Slovakian concoction (I'm not familiar with any, but surely every non-muslim country in the world has its very own pride and joy when it comes to alcoholic intoxication?) if the Slovaks actually accomplish something noteworthy. That means the hip-flask-pulling is out, but perhaps something such as actually appointing a cabinet member?
Anyway, between Pip's reporting from the wonderland that is Slovakia and your prolonged assault on your liver, we should be in for a lot of fun.
Great idea too, a Slovak concoction would be slivovica- kind of like vodka, mainly in terms of alcohol volume percentage, made out of plums/prunes; the problem being availability, I'd suggest eating a plum or a pear (a variant, hruškovica, is made out of pears) with your shot of vodka.I suggest expanding your game to include a shot of something German (Jägermeister, perhaps? Or something equally hideous?) whenever the Germans show their face, vodka when the Soviets appear at the border and perhaps a Slovakian concoction (I'm not familiar with any, but surely every non-muslim country in the world has its very own pride and joy when it comes to alcoholic intoxication?) if the Slovaks actually accomplish something noteworthy. That means the hip-flask-pulling is out, but perhaps something such as actually appointing a cabinet member?
Last edited:
Added to the drinking game:
A character does a non sequitur (such as spitting on the ground or putting their hat on and taking it off) - 1 shot
Someone mentions the Germans - 1 shot
Someone mentions the Soviets - 2 shots (in order of likelihood)
BTW have no problem with 1 bottle for a new day in game. 7 bottles would be a week's work for me in real time. I wouldn't be able to hold out for 5 months real time.
A character does a non sequitur (such as spitting on the ground or putting their hat on and taking it off) - 1 shot
Someone mentions the Germans - 1 shot
Someone mentions the Soviets - 2 shots (in order of likelihood)
BTW have no problem with 1 bottle for a new day in game. 7 bottles would be a week's work for me in real time. I wouldn't be able to hold out for 5 months real time.
If not the best, at least one of the best comedy AARs I have read. The characters are just so funny! The so-much-slower-than-real-time pace is also quite amusing. Somehow I'd resisted posting before now, so I'm late to the party, but still.
I can just see the headline right now:
"SLOVAKIA'S DISMAL SITUATION ESCALATES INTERNATIONAL DRINKING PROBLEM"
"SLOVAKIA'S DISMAL SITUATION ESCALATES INTERNATIONAL DRINKING PROBLEM"
I don't think it is, I think Pip's just living up to his promise: Slower Than Real Time.Why is this dead damnit!
27th June 1944 - Possibly the most contrived update
27th June
Tiso, Tuka and General Malar are reviewing the candidates available for head of Slovak Counter-Intelligence. Thus far the options are an anti-fascist poet, a judge with strong views on carpet bonding (A line I will continue to use until this AAR ends or it becomes funny), a Foreign Minister who is utterly hated by the Germans and a Prince of Terror who wishes to inflict critical realist poetry on the country until all enemy spies hand themselves in. They hope that this means they've touched rock bottom. Their hopes are about to be dashed.
"Now we come to our last option, Ulian Pauliny." Tiso read from the file.
"'Ulian?'" Tuka queried.
"That's what it says here." Tiso replied, pushing the report over.
"Seems a bit suspicious." Tuka said. "What happened to the 'J' clearly missing from the front of his name?"
"According to his file he lost it in a bizarre dualling accident." Malar said.
"Really? How?" Tuka asked.
"Apparently he was trying to use two cheap razors at the same time and accidentally chopped off his J." Malar explained, in a joke that some people may remember from King Haakon and Fjords.
"Fair enough." Tuka said.
Tiso asked the question that had been bothering him all day.
"Do we really need a Head of Counter-Intelligence? What is there that we are trying to protect?"
"The goats!" Malar instantly replied. "Our Slovak Short-haired goats are the envy of the goating world."
"That does explain why the Counter-Intelligence building is full of goats. I had been wondering." Tiso replied, almost instinctively reaching for his hip flask.
The White Short Haired goat. Allegedly Slovak's greatest military secret. Although it probably actually originated in the Czech side of the country, just don't tell Malar that.
"Shall we just get this Ulian chap in?" Tuka asked. "Apart from his name he looks well suited to the job."
Ulian Pauliny filed into the room wearing what was quite obviously a bad fake beard. There is a certain awkward silence, before Ulian sighs and starts to speak.
"If it's about the beard, it's covering up the scars from the accident." Ulian explains.
There is much relief and the interview continues, Ulian impressing the panel with his grasp of the subject. Things start to go wrong when some of the younger goats take a great interest in his beard, though he tries to fight them off eventually they succeed in stealing and eating his beard, revealing the unmarked and strangely familiar face below.
"Julian Pauliny-Toth!" Tuka shouts.
"How dare you return here, you've been exiled you traitor!" Tiso shouts. Louder.
"I came back to serve Slovakia, unlike you German puppets." Julian retorts. "I came to make sure the Allies win the Race to Bratislava and we don't just swap German overlords for Soviet ones."
"That was your plan?" Malar asks, hope in his heart at the idea of someone else believing in the Race to Bratislava.
"Yes." Julian replies, turning to face the young goats. "And I would have got away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you damned kids!"
--
Was this entire update written solely so I could get that last line? Yes, yes it was.
So it's back, mainly because I just had to write that scene after it came to me. Best I can tell Ulian Pauliny never existed, however Julian Pauliny-Toth did exist so I'm putting it down to miss-typing by Paradox. He was very high up in the Slovak National Party pre-war, but saw the ways things were going and in 1939 escaped to France and then Britain when France fell, spending the war working with the Czech and Slovak governments in exile in London. Again, clearly a natural choice as Head of Slovak Intelligence.
Tiso, Tuka and General Malar are reviewing the candidates available for head of Slovak Counter-Intelligence. Thus far the options are an anti-fascist poet, a judge with strong views on carpet bonding (A line I will continue to use until this AAR ends or it becomes funny), a Foreign Minister who is utterly hated by the Germans and a Prince of Terror who wishes to inflict critical realist poetry on the country until all enemy spies hand themselves in. They hope that this means they've touched rock bottom. Their hopes are about to be dashed.
"Now we come to our last option, Ulian Pauliny." Tiso read from the file.
"'Ulian?'" Tuka queried.
"That's what it says here." Tiso replied, pushing the report over.
"Seems a bit suspicious." Tuka said. "What happened to the 'J' clearly missing from the front of his name?"
"According to his file he lost it in a bizarre dualling accident." Malar said.
"Really? How?" Tuka asked.
"Apparently he was trying to use two cheap razors at the same time and accidentally chopped off his J." Malar explained, in a joke that some people may remember from King Haakon and Fjords.
"Fair enough." Tuka said.
Tiso asked the question that had been bothering him all day.
"Do we really need a Head of Counter-Intelligence? What is there that we are trying to protect?"
"The goats!" Malar instantly replied. "Our Slovak Short-haired goats are the envy of the goating world."
"That does explain why the Counter-Intelligence building is full of goats. I had been wondering." Tiso replied, almost instinctively reaching for his hip flask.
The White Short Haired goat. Allegedly Slovak's greatest military secret. Although it probably actually originated in the Czech side of the country, just don't tell Malar that.
"Shall we just get this Ulian chap in?" Tuka asked. "Apart from his name he looks well suited to the job."
Ulian Pauliny filed into the room wearing what was quite obviously a bad fake beard. There is a certain awkward silence, before Ulian sighs and starts to speak.
"If it's about the beard, it's covering up the scars from the accident." Ulian explains.
There is much relief and the interview continues, Ulian impressing the panel with his grasp of the subject. Things start to go wrong when some of the younger goats take a great interest in his beard, though he tries to fight them off eventually they succeed in stealing and eating his beard, revealing the unmarked and strangely familiar face below.
"Julian Pauliny-Toth!" Tuka shouts.
"How dare you return here, you've been exiled you traitor!" Tiso shouts. Louder.
"I came back to serve Slovakia, unlike you German puppets." Julian retorts. "I came to make sure the Allies win the Race to Bratislava and we don't just swap German overlords for Soviet ones."
"That was your plan?" Malar asks, hope in his heart at the idea of someone else believing in the Race to Bratislava.
"Yes." Julian replies, turning to face the young goats. "And I would have got away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you damned kids!"
--
Was this entire update written solely so I could get that last line? Yes, yes it was.
So it's back, mainly because I just had to write that scene after it came to me. Best I can tell Ulian Pauliny never existed, however Julian Pauliny-Toth did exist so I'm putting it down to miss-typing by Paradox. He was very high up in the Slovak National Party pre-war, but saw the ways things were going and in 1939 escaped to France and then Britain when France fell, spending the war working with the Czech and Slovak governments in exile in London. Again, clearly a natural choice as Head of Slovak Intelligence.
Last edited:
As good a reason as any to continue the AAR. I see we're still on day six and we're up to nine months real time: this must be the slowest slower-than-real-time out there.
By the way, I salute your labored Scooby-Doo reference, but remember: it should be meddling kids, not damned kids (American children's TV would never have tolerated such profanity, tsk, tsk).
The guy lost a fight with goats. Clearly that rules out military service.
Speaking of goats...
Wait a minute. Isn't a young goat called a "kid"? If so, El Pip has just managed to kill two birds with one stone: combine a Scooby-Doo reference with education about goats.