I fear that Bratislava is about to face an encirclement soon, though the Brits might be dumb enough for it to take a while (or just don't care).
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I always knew you were right-wing, Pip, but jeez...
On a (modestly) more serious note, given the allied liberation of Prague, it seems as though Klement Gottwald won't be getting to enjoy his illustrious OTL career as Stalin's b*tch-in-chief of Czechoslovakia.
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As you all may have noticed the end of year deadline for finishing this story has been missed. For this I blame the Pippettes who decided their Christmas present to the family would be plague and pestilence, they also decided to bring home said gifts early. I have not had a healthy Christmas.
However I am now risen from the sickroom and preparing for the denouement of Tiso & Tuka's misadventures.
This being HOI3 there is a twist, the commander is an American - General Boatner. Quite how a US General ended up commanding a French division that was operating under British command is a mystery known only to Paradox.
T&T are going to get tried for war crimes regardless, at least under the Allied version the judge might actually listen to their defence before finding them utterly guilty.
However I am now risen from the sickroom and preparing for the denouement of Tiso & Tuka's misadventures.
It is a cunning plan and this is your first clue that they are not really the French. Aside from being an expeditionary force under British command this particular division was formed from a brigade of the French Foreign Legion and various troops from Syria, Djibouti and North Africa - i.e.very few actual Frenchmen. As you would expect without this enormous drag factor the unit was the joint most decorated French division in the war, the other being the equally not-French 3rd Algerian Division.
This being HOI3 there is a twist, the commander is an American - General Boatner. Quite how a US General ended up commanding a French division that was operating under British command is a mystery known only to Paradox.
Best I can tell he kept morale up, because he fought (and got wounded) alongside them and he kept winning. Plus his high profile with OKW meant his units got priority for kit and shiny weapons.
Singapore's first prime minister Lee Kuan Yew cited air-conditioning as the single biggest driver of Singapore's post-war economic development.
I'd normally say the latter, but with a paradox AI involved the former is also very possible.
You cannot work towards dismantling the British Empire while being a good guy, those are the rules. It's not my fault the US decided to make itself a bad guy by following such evil policy.
Things are looking good for the Czechs, being on the direct route to Berlin means they are getting liberated by the Allies. For the Slovaks, well the Soviets are getting worryingly close to Eastern Slovakia. Arguably the defence of Bratislava is a bad idea and they should hurry up and let the Allies annex the place.
T&T are going to get tried for war crimes regardless, at least under the Allied version the judge might actually listen to their defence before finding them utterly guilty.
There is something to that. Many, many accounts of British colonial masters complained about the heat in east Africa and south east Asia. They simply could not have a built a vast metropolis people would live and work in without air control.
27th February 1945
27th February 1945
Supreme Vodca Tiso has just returned from a long weekend break. Some people would say that in a time of Total War for National Survival taking the weekend off is a luxury Slovakia cannot afford. Some have probably not being paying attention if they think that will make any difference. Back in Bratislava he has been alerted to an emergency cabinet meeting.
"German intelligence has urgent news that requires your immediate attention!" Baron Von Killinger announced.
"Is it about the latest Allied attack on Bratislava?" Tuka asked.
"Attack?! What do you mean?" Von Killinger looked surprised.
Tiso pointed out of the window.
The 3rd Battle of Bratislava had begun. It was not exactly subtle.
With German Intelligence distracted, Tiso asked the obvious question.
"What are our chances General?" He asked Kubela.
"The Allies are attacking in force, from multiple directions but we have also strengthened our defences so we remain confident."
Tuka looked like he was going to try and raise an eyebrow quizzically, to pre-empt that horror Malar hastily started talking.
"We may have fewer troops, but it is the Hungarian 20th Unpronounceable Collection of Random Constants Division that has gone. So overall our line is stronger and more reliable." He said.
"It would take something dramatic and unexpected for the Allies to win." Kubela added.
"Like massive and unrelenting air support from the RAF and all the Dominion air forces?" Tiso asked.
"Yes, something like that."
Tiso pointed out of the window. Again.
Oh. Oh dear. Quite aside from the RAF, RAAF and RCAF they've even got the Poles from No.303 Squadron. The British really are throwing everything at this.
"Bugger." General Kubela summed it up.
---
We return to Bratislava, possibly in time to witness the Slovak Ragnarok. Certainly things are not looking good for our... not heroes certainly. Protagonists?
Supreme Vodca Tiso has just returned from a long weekend break. Some people would say that in a time of Total War for National Survival taking the weekend off is a luxury Slovakia cannot afford. Some have probably not being paying attention if they think that will make any difference. Back in Bratislava he has been alerted to an emergency cabinet meeting.
"German intelligence has urgent news that requires your immediate attention!" Baron Von Killinger announced.
"Is it about the latest Allied attack on Bratislava?" Tuka asked.
"Attack?! What do you mean?" Von Killinger looked surprised.
Tiso pointed out of the window.
The 3rd Battle of Bratislava had begun. It was not exactly subtle.
With German Intelligence distracted, Tiso asked the obvious question.
"What are our chances General?" He asked Kubela.
"The Allies are attacking in force, from multiple directions but we have also strengthened our defences so we remain confident."
Tuka looked like he was going to try and raise an eyebrow quizzically, to pre-empt that horror Malar hastily started talking.
"We may have fewer troops, but it is the Hungarian 20th Unpronounceable Collection of Random Constants Division that has gone. So overall our line is stronger and more reliable." He said.
"It would take something dramatic and unexpected for the Allies to win." Kubela added.
"Like massive and unrelenting air support from the RAF and all the Dominion air forces?" Tiso asked.
"Yes, something like that."
Tiso pointed out of the window. Again.
Oh. Oh dear. Quite aside from the RAF, RAAF and RCAF they've even got the Poles from No.303 Squadron. The British really are throwing everything at this.
"Bugger." General Kubela summed it up.
---
We return to Bratislava, possibly in time to witness the Slovak Ragnarok. Certainly things are not looking good for our... not heroes certainly. Protagonists?
I can't imagine this AAR being continuesly held for nearly 9 years!
Slovaks are too slow to fall away.
Slovaks are too slow to fall away.
It had to come. I wish a 'Free Czech' unit could be among the liberators. The end is so near, I do not even preemptively *spit* at the mere mention of their name. Bring on the Slovaknarok!
Bah, defeatists! Obviously the German 12th Army of General Wenck will come to the rescue! :ja:
Sort of? I'm, not sure how Polish No.303 Squadron was by the end, they were running short of pre-war escaped pilots by that point, but lets say "Yes" for now.
It would have been an impressive show of defiance from the Slovak Army, if they had had anything to do with it. But Fortress Bratislava is at least delaying a very small part of the Allied attack on Berlin, which is a better achievement than I though they would manage.
I'm sure you will not be shocked to learn that Paradox entirely forgot about the 1st Czech Armoured Brigade and neglected to include it in the '44 Scenario. An independent Armoured Brigade doesn't really fit in with how HOI3 OOB wants to work (or indeed the combat engine) but that's no excuse for just not including it.
He just needs to link up with 9th Army under General Besse and victory will be assured.
27th February 1945. Still.
27th February 1945
We return to Bratislava where, despite the capital being an actual warzone under relentless allied aerial bombardment, the cabinet meeting continues. If Slovakia had any standards, they would be being maintained.
"So what is this urgent news from German Intelligence?" Tiso asked Baron Von Killinger.
There was a continued silence from the still shocked Baron.
"There was a report about Nationalisations in Xibei San Ma." Temporary-Under-Junior Foreign Minister Durcansky offered.
Tiso pointed towards the snake and pencil pit.
"I'm not saying it's actual news!" Durcansky gabbled desperately. "Just that's it the kind of rubbish German Intelligence might think is important."
Tiso considered this before nodding in agreement. A relieved Durcansky slumped back into his seat.
"Jesensky has caught another spy." Fritz offered.
There once was a spy from Oman
Disguised as man from Iran
His excess of inertia
Showed he wasn't from Persia
But even our most refined ontological lenses cannot explain why this arid theocracy is sending it's temporal agents to determine the Slovak transient reality. The causal power behind this emergent norm organisation must be determined as it could be a transcendent non-stratative mode!
An urgent message (possibly) from Jessenky with news and a demand for answers. Maybe. Perhaps.
"We think he might be very keen to find out why Oman keeps sending spies to Slovakia." He said.
"You think?" Tuka asked.
"Well it is always very hard to be sure with critically socially realistic limericks." Fritz explained.
"I think the mysteries of Omani intelligence is something we were never meant to know." Tiso speculated.
"Silence all of you, I have remembered the news!" Von Killinger suddenly shouted. "The Reich has a trade deal that you will be delighted to agree to."
It is unclear why Germany keeps offering these deals.
Tiso looks at Pruzinsky.
"I am impressed with the offer." Pruzinsky said.
Von Killinger looked smug.
"I had thought the previous offer which demanded supplies we didn't have in exchange for money we could not spend was the most awful deal possible. Yet by making the supply-money ratio even less favourable, this latest proposed agreement manages to be worse." Pruzinksy continued.
Von Killinger was chapfallen.
Meanwhile, in Muscat.
Sultan Said bin Taimur is discussing Intelligence matters with his Prime Minister.
"I am concerned that our spy in Slovakia has been caught." The Sultan said.
"Such things are always a risk when indulging in espionage." The Prime Minister replied.
"That is not my concern. My concern is why we are wasting time, money and leadership sending spies to a country I didn't even know existed till I got that message?" The Sultan explained.
"I can see why that would be an unpleasant surprise." The Prime Minister nodded.
"Summon the cabinet, I will have answers."
"I will of course summon them your excellency, but I fear they will not be able to supply the answers you desire." The Prime Minister said.
"The Head of Intelligence will know."
"While I bow to no-one in my respect for Mr Dennis' literary abilities, he is somewhat out of his depth in actual intelligence matters, because he is an author not a spy. I would also remind you that he has never been the same since losing that libel case with the Duke and Duchess of Windsor."
"My Minister of Security should have been briefed to confirm the legality of this operation, he will be able to confirm matters." The Sultan moved on.
"While Baron Finaly is indeed superlatively qualified, being both a former Lord High Chancellor and Court of International Judge, he did die in 1929 and so is no longer in a position to confirm anything."
"The Foreign Minister will have provided the travel documents for the agents cover, they will have details." The Sheikh was not to be deterred.
"I doubt Mr Fisher will have been personally involved in that matter."
"Because it was beneath his dignity as a former President of the British Board of Education?"
"Perhaps. But mainly because he is also dead and has been for some considerable time." The Prime Minster explains.
"The Chancellor will have had to pay for the mission, he should know." The Sheikh babbled.
"I bow to your magnificence in achieving the coup of convincing the former Labour leader and Nobel peace prize winner Arthur Henderson to become our Chancellor. It feels almost churlish to point out that he died in 1935 so arguably no longer knows anything about temporal affairs."
"The Chief of Staff will have co-ordinated our intelligence operations." The Sheikh refused to give up.
"I fear that dying on the Western Front in 1915 severely limits Lieutenant-Colonel Douglas-Hamiltons ability to co-ordinate anything."
"Our spy must have got to the country somehow, the Air Force may have records. We can ask the Chief of the Air Force." The Sheikh said.
"I can confidently state Lieutenant Leaf will not have those records." The Prime Minister said.
"Because we don't have an air force?" The Sheikh guessed.
"Yes. That and the fact he is a Royal Navy motor gun boat commander. Who is dead." The Prime Minister nodded.
The Sheikh almost broke down, but rallied.
"Is there anyone in my cabinet who isn't dead, apart from the allegedly libellous writer?"
"No." The Prime Minister said sadly.
"What about you?" The Sheikh asked suspiciously.
"I don't exist, you didn't trust anyone to be Prime Minister so appointed yourself in the role." His reflection replied.
As the Sheikh broke down into a sobbing, screaming mess the Prime Minister sadly shook his head and walked back into the mirror.
"The worst bit is, he's even forgotten how to spell his own name correctly." The Prime Minister muttered as he vanished.
The Omani Cabinet of death. Perhaps more accurately the Omani Coffin.
--
Notes:
I wasn't going to do another Terrible Cabinet report, but after a quick peak at Oman I realised I had to share it with the world. We have still not yet seen the coveted "Everyone is Dead, Dave" cabinet, but Oman got achingly close.
A few details that didn't fit in the main text;
Arthur Henderson, many times Labour Party leader and master of winning by-elections (5 times, in 5 different seats) he needed that skill because he kept losing said seats at the next general elections. A proper "no compromise with the electorate" socialist he was also one of the original 'useful idiots' for the Communists. To quote Lenin; "Henderson is as stupid as Kerensky, and for this reason he is helping us."
Angus Douglas-Hamilton died in the Battle of Loos in 1915, his VC was well earned but sadly posthumous. He fought in the Sudan Expedition the 1880s, but that was the closest he ever got to the Middle East let alone Oman.
Geoffery Davis is an odd one, but I feel interesting. He was responsible for a very badly written cash-in-book "Coronation Commentary" just around the time of the Abdication Crisis, in which he managed to spectacularly libel the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. Claims included; Wallace was the King's mistress before she was divorced, Edward was a drunk, the government had conspired to kick Edward out as he was useless and corrupt, that sort of thing. The resulting court case sounds fun, while it was settled with his publisher admitting liability, apologising and paying a lot of money, the judge still found time to describe the book as a "foul, cruel libel, which a jury might think invited a thoroughly efficient horse-whipping." Why he is Head of Intelligence for Oman is left as an exercise for the reader.
We return to Bratislava where, despite the capital being an actual warzone under relentless allied aerial bombardment, the cabinet meeting continues. If Slovakia had any standards, they would be being maintained.
"So what is this urgent news from German Intelligence?" Tiso asked Baron Von Killinger.
There was a continued silence from the still shocked Baron.
"There was a report about Nationalisations in Xibei San Ma." Temporary-Under-Junior Foreign Minister Durcansky offered.
Tiso pointed towards the snake and pencil pit.
"I'm not saying it's actual news!" Durcansky gabbled desperately. "Just that's it the kind of rubbish German Intelligence might think is important."
Tiso considered this before nodding in agreement. A relieved Durcansky slumped back into his seat.
"Jesensky has caught another spy." Fritz offered.
There once was a spy from Oman
Disguised as man from Iran
His excess of inertia
Showed he wasn't from Persia
But even our most refined ontological lenses cannot explain why this arid theocracy is sending it's temporal agents to determine the Slovak transient reality. The causal power behind this emergent norm organisation must be determined as it could be a transcendent non-stratative mode!
An urgent message (possibly) from Jessenky with news and a demand for answers. Maybe. Perhaps.
"We think he might be very keen to find out why Oman keeps sending spies to Slovakia." He said.
"You think?" Tuka asked.
"Well it is always very hard to be sure with critically socially realistic limericks." Fritz explained.
"I think the mysteries of Omani intelligence is something we were never meant to know." Tiso speculated.
"Silence all of you, I have remembered the news!" Von Killinger suddenly shouted. "The Reich has a trade deal that you will be delighted to agree to."
It is unclear why Germany keeps offering these deals.
Tiso looks at Pruzinsky.
"I am impressed with the offer." Pruzinsky said.
Von Killinger looked smug.
"I had thought the previous offer which demanded supplies we didn't have in exchange for money we could not spend was the most awful deal possible. Yet by making the supply-money ratio even less favourable, this latest proposed agreement manages to be worse." Pruzinksy continued.
Von Killinger was chapfallen.
Meanwhile, in Muscat.
Sultan Said bin Taimur is discussing Intelligence matters with his Prime Minister.
"I am concerned that our spy in Slovakia has been caught." The Sultan said.
"Such things are always a risk when indulging in espionage." The Prime Minister replied.
"That is not my concern. My concern is why we are wasting time, money and leadership sending spies to a country I didn't even know existed till I got that message?" The Sultan explained.
"I can see why that would be an unpleasant surprise." The Prime Minister nodded.
"Summon the cabinet, I will have answers."
"I will of course summon them your excellency, but I fear they will not be able to supply the answers you desire." The Prime Minister said.
"The Head of Intelligence will know."
"While I bow to no-one in my respect for Mr Dennis' literary abilities, he is somewhat out of his depth in actual intelligence matters, because he is an author not a spy. I would also remind you that he has never been the same since losing that libel case with the Duke and Duchess of Windsor."
"My Minister of Security should have been briefed to confirm the legality of this operation, he will be able to confirm matters." The Sultan moved on.
"While Baron Finaly is indeed superlatively qualified, being both a former Lord High Chancellor and Court of International Judge, he did die in 1929 and so is no longer in a position to confirm anything."
"The Foreign Minister will have provided the travel documents for the agents cover, they will have details." The Sheikh was not to be deterred.
"I doubt Mr Fisher will have been personally involved in that matter."
"Because it was beneath his dignity as a former President of the British Board of Education?"
"Perhaps. But mainly because he is also dead and has been for some considerable time." The Prime Minster explains.
"The Chancellor will have had to pay for the mission, he should know." The Sheikh babbled.
"I bow to your magnificence in achieving the coup of convincing the former Labour leader and Nobel peace prize winner Arthur Henderson to become our Chancellor. It feels almost churlish to point out that he died in 1935 so arguably no longer knows anything about temporal affairs."
"The Chief of Staff will have co-ordinated our intelligence operations." The Sheikh refused to give up.
"I fear that dying on the Western Front in 1915 severely limits Lieutenant-Colonel Douglas-Hamiltons ability to co-ordinate anything."
"Our spy must have got to the country somehow, the Air Force may have records. We can ask the Chief of the Air Force." The Sheikh said.
"I can confidently state Lieutenant Leaf will not have those records." The Prime Minister said.
"Because we don't have an air force?" The Sheikh guessed.
"Yes. That and the fact he is a Royal Navy motor gun boat commander. Who is dead." The Prime Minister nodded.
The Sheikh almost broke down, but rallied.
"Is there anyone in my cabinet who isn't dead, apart from the allegedly libellous writer?"
"No." The Prime Minister said sadly.
"What about you?" The Sheikh asked suspiciously.
"I don't exist, you didn't trust anyone to be Prime Minister so appointed yourself in the role." His reflection replied.
As the Sheikh broke down into a sobbing, screaming mess the Prime Minister sadly shook his head and walked back into the mirror.
"The worst bit is, he's even forgotten how to spell his own name correctly." The Prime Minister muttered as he vanished.
The Omani Cabinet of death. Perhaps more accurately the Omani Coffin.
--
Notes:
I wasn't going to do another Terrible Cabinet report, but after a quick peak at Oman I realised I had to share it with the world. We have still not yet seen the coveted "Everyone is Dead, Dave" cabinet, but Oman got achingly close.
A few details that didn't fit in the main text;
Arthur Henderson, many times Labour Party leader and master of winning by-elections (5 times, in 5 different seats) he needed that skill because he kept losing said seats at the next general elections. A proper "no compromise with the electorate" socialist he was also one of the original 'useful idiots' for the Communists. To quote Lenin; "Henderson is as stupid as Kerensky, and for this reason he is helping us."
Angus Douglas-Hamilton died in the Battle of Loos in 1915, his VC was well earned but sadly posthumous. He fought in the Sudan Expedition the 1880s, but that was the closest he ever got to the Middle East let alone Oman.
Geoffery Davis is an odd one, but I feel interesting. He was responsible for a very badly written cash-in-book "Coronation Commentary" just around the time of the Abdication Crisis, in which he managed to spectacularly libel the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. Claims included; Wallace was the King's mistress before she was divorced, Edward was a drunk, the government had conspired to kick Edward out as he was useless and corrupt, that sort of thing. The resulting court case sounds fun, while it was settled with his publisher admitting liability, apologising and paying a lot of money, the judge still found time to describe the book as a "foul, cruel libel, which a jury might think invited a thoroughly efficient horse-whipping." Why he is Head of Intelligence for Oman is left as an exercise for the reader.
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Absolutely brilliant to cap it off, I must say.
Meanwhile, one hopes, perhaps optimistically, that the Battle of Slovakia might, perhaps, be resolved before 2021 rolls around.
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O man, what a bad cabinet Oman has!
*Is tossed into the snake-and-pencil pit*
*Is tossed into the snake-and-pencil pit*
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100% of what is bad about puns
Jesensky needs to be shot before the Allies take them all prisoner, just to show the about to be former Slovakian leadership has some kind of standards. Before the British administer a thoroughly efficient horse-whipping for their crimes (that judge’s quote had to be used - not just gold, but platinum
).And maybe banishment to an Omani cabinet full of dead men was the equivalent of that punishment? Perhaps the spy was conducting research for a lurid tell-all Dennis page turner about Tiso and Tuka. He would have no need to worry about lawsuits or exaggerating their perfidy. Perhaps this AAR is indeed that work!?
Speaking of historical inaccuracy, Paradox isn't the only one to fall prey to it: https://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/63541
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When the German ambassador needs to be told to look out of the window to see that the town he's in is under attack from 3 directions, and being bombed, one can be sure that no actual help will be forthcoming from Berlin. Then again, one could argue that he fits right in in Bratislava, along with all the others.
This isn't over. Bratislava will be held to the last man. The British will have to fight street by street, house by house, against poorly trained militia with prehistoric weapons. Even if they win they'll spend months clearing out all the mines and boobytraps. (with mines and boobytraps, I mean that someone is bound to accidentally fall into the pencil and snake pit, and then they'll shoot the snakes and fill the pit). The city will be nothing but rubble, much as it was before the battle even started.
This isn't over. Bratislava will be held to the last man. The British will have to fight street by street, house by house, against poorly trained militia with prehistoric weapons. Even if they win they'll spend months clearing out all the mines and boobytraps. (with mines and boobytraps, I mean that someone is bound to accidentally fall into the pencil and snake pit, and then they'll shoot the snakes and fill the pit). The city will be nothing but rubble, much as it was before the battle even started.
Why bother wasting bullets when I'm sure simply filling the pit would be sufficient?
The Slovakian Götterdämmerung remains as surreal as ever. But obviously the (also Undead?) Omani Spy was looking for the Secret Hip Flask Reserves.
But why would they be looking for that when their religious beliefs prohibit them from alcohol?