Inevitable Defeat - Slovakia '44

[El Pip]

9th February 1945

After an anxious few days waiting for a messenger to burst in with news of the latest attack on Bratislava, Tiso could wait no longer and decided desperate times required desperate measures. He called a cabinet meeting.

"Apparently we have not been attacked in days, this seems unlikely. So I must know, what news have you not been telling me?" Tiso asked his government.

"Our scientist have been working on a scheme to better harness the power of domesticated equines for agricultural and logistical endeavours." Pruzinsky said.

There was a brief pause.

"So you think we may soon develop the horse collar?" Fritz interpreted.

Pruzinsky nodded proudly.

"That is both depressing and irrelevant." Tiso decided.

"What have you not been telling us about news in Europe?" Tuka joined in the questioning.

"Well there has been a bribery scandal in France, but I didn't think you would care." Durcansky nervously admitted.

France was liberated scant weeks ago, it's government is full of traitors, idiots and corpses and large chunks of 'L'Hexagone' itself are still under German control. It is therefore impressive that French politicians have made starting a bribery and corruption scandal their top priority. An excellent example of starting as you mean to go on.​

"You are right, I don't care. Good work in not mentioning it." Tiso said to a relieved Durcansky.

"What is happening in Slovakia?" Tuka asked in a louder voice.

"Jesensky has caught another spy." Fritz offered.

A foolish Mexican Spy
Arrived wearing only a tie
His sartorial sin
Of showing his skin
Demonstrates that the imperative to display the aetiology should not be taken literally and the danger of inadequate epistemological training prior to causal agents attempting to actualise.​

A (possibly) shaken and distraught Jesensky describes the capture of a particularly under-dressed Mexican Spy. Probably. Because it must be noted that, as ever, it remains difficult to be certain of anything involving critical social realistic limericks.​

"What news from the war!?" Tuak gave in and yelled.

"Nothing." General Kubeal said.

Tuka looked nonplussed.

"The Allies are not following up their attacks in a desperate bid to win the Race to Bratislava?" He asked.

"No. They are mostly ignoring us." Kubela explained, pointing at the map.

British armour thrusting up to North Austria while the follow up forces capture the empty Vienna. At least the 2nd (Parisian Heroes) Division made it back to Bratislava before the end. Which is nice for them.​

"It's a trap!" General G. Malar shouted suddenly.

The room turned to look at the over-excited general.

"The British are not ignoring us, they are driving north so they can swing round and encircle the capital." He explained.

"They are trying to make sure the Soviets cannot interfere in the Race to Bratislava." Kubela said in awed realisation.

As the Staff and Cabinet celebrated the fact they were still important and the Race was still on, Tiso wonder if he should point out being ignored was arguably the better possibility, as it gave them a chance of surviving the war.

His government and military looked so happy that he decided not to.

*pop*, glug, glug, glug...

--
Notes:
The horse collar was invented in China in the 3rd Century BC. One of those not very sexy inventions that utterly revolutionised the world, I have seen it claimed that you do not get civilisation above subsistence farming without being able to plough with horses. Obviously Slovakia lacks this tech.

The Great Race continues as the British are foolishly still heading North instead of going for the real prize; Bratislava.

 

[El Pip]

Update top of the page, as is required by ancient custom. Delayed feedback;

What the hell happened here? What sort of coding makes it possible for Holland to try surrendering to Japan after they get their homeland back?

Swedish coding. The best, most average, worst coding the game was made with..

Speaking of Japan, how is the war in the Pacific going?

Slowly and ineptly. Japan cannot advance due to lack of everything, the US is focusing all it's efforts on Ecuador and the British are holding Burma but pouring all their resources into capturing all of Europe before the Soviets can.

Most likely what happened is that Japan still occupied all of the Dutch SEA/Pacific colonies, which account for a fairly large proportion (approximately 2/3) of the Dutch VPs. Clearly Paradox, in their infinite wisdom, knew that the value of scattered colonies far outweighed the value of the Dutch homeland in surrender calculations.

So when the British "liberated" the Netherlands, they were probably immediately at 100% surrender progress and triggered that whole mess again.

This is about correct. It's the same reason that there has to be a special 'Fall of Amsterdam and Rotterdam' event for when Germany conquerors them, 75% of the Netherlands VPs are scattered across the world so Paradox had to put in an event so they could get conquered.

Some people might suggest if you have to put hack on top of hack to make things work as intended, maybe re-think your VP province layout and surrender mechanics. These people have never been hired by Paradox and never will be.

Of course, clearly what really happened is that the British were trying to offload responsibility for the Dutch onto the Japanese, who would have fallen for this nefarious scheme had the Dutch not balked at the required paperwork. Ahh, history!

You under-estimate Japan's complete lack of shame and ability to try audacious cheek. These are the people who tried to buy a single Spitfire 'For evaluation' and attempted the same trick anytime any Western firm came out with a decent looking plane.

Then for bonus points the Japanese delegations in those countries got offended when people suggest maybe they weren't serious buyers and made official complaints.

 

[nuclearslurpee]

Tiso could wait no longer and decided desperate times required desperate measures.

Perhaps my American is showing, here, but when I hear of "desperate measures" I think more in terms of moving up from a fifth to a liter.

"You are right, I don't care. Good work in not mentioning it." Tiso said to a relieved Durcansky.

Ah, bureaucracy we can truly appreciate.

"The Allies are not following up their attacks in a desperate bid to win the Race to Bratislava?" He asked.

"No. They are mostly ignoring us." Kubela explained, pointing at the map.

Out of all the evidence of Paradox incompetence in this thread, this horrific display of AI ineptitude is surely the worst of them all.

"It's a trap!" General G. Malar shouted suddenly.

The room turned to look at the over-excited general.

"The British are not ignoring us, they are driving north so they can swing round and encircle the capital." He explained.

Unlikely, as this would require the AI to be clever. And out of those latter three words, the AI can barely handle the first two as it is.

 

[Alex Kernel]

Slowly and ineptly. Japan cannot advance due to lack of everything, the US is focusing all it's efforts on Ecuador and the British are holding Burma but pouring all their resources into capturing all of Europe before the Soviets can.

At least, the British run for the rest of Europe before the Soviet boots bring revolution on tanks to everyone confused if they're liberated or occupied. The rest of Europe is of much higher importance than Brastislava, I suppose. That looks like wise policy from this AI player.

Not sure about US quest in Ecuador though. Maybe they heard from very trusted sources something about a new El Dorado. To be honest that Disney adventure shouldn't cost as many lives as a campaign against the Nazis or the Soviets, eventually. Thus, if you look right, the AI takes very sensible decisions .

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

It is possible to have a civilisation without horses. It's just really, really hard. But the Incas managed it.

 

[Andre Massena]

The 2nd Division might have wrecked Paris but at least they spared Vienne the horrors of war this time. What a noble move, totally not a shameless abandonment at all.

 

[Surt]

No Soviets nearing from the north, Comrade Stalin must be a bit disappointed by his Generals.

 

[Murmurandus]

So I needed to catch up some six months of updates - which is like 20 or so? And I'm glad to see everything's running a-ok for T&T. As long as the strategic reserve of hip flasks isn't empty nothing can go wrong.

 

[El Pip]

Perhaps my American is showing, here, but when I hear of "desperate measures" I think more in terms of moving up from a fifth to a liter.

The fifth is probably the most American unit in the world, because much like the US it was developed entirely for tax dodging purposes.

Ah, bureaucracy we can truly appreciate.

Durcansky is a collection of faults masquerading as a human being, but he can (eventually) learn simple rules.

Out of all the evidence of Paradox incompetence in this thread, this horrific display of AI ineptitude is surely the worst of them all.

Unlikely, as this would require the AI to be clever. And out of those latter three words, the AI can barely handle the first two as it is.

In many ways producing an AI this bad is it's own sort of achievement. Because it's not passive and not completely random, there is a system and logic to it's action. It's just utterly inappropriate for almost every situation and once it's blatant flaws were apparent the programmers just applied ever more haphazard hacks rather than admitting the AI was fundamentally buggered.

At least, the British run for the rest of Europe before the Soviet boots bring revolution on tanks to everyone confused if they're liberated or occupied. The rest of Europe is of much higher importance than Brastislava, I suppose. That looks like wise policy from this AI player.

Not sure about US quest in Ecuador though. Maybe they heard from very trusted sources something about a new El Dorado. To be honest that Disney adventure shouldn't cost as many lives as a campaign against the Nazis or the Soviets, eventually. Thus, if you look right, the AI takes very sensible decisions .

I wouldn't get too excited by the British AI, it still manages a few uniquely Paradox cockups.

In fairness to the US Army they are fighting very hard against the Nazis, it's just not under their own command. Pretty much the entire US Army is fighting as Expeditionary forces under UK control. Some say this change in command structure compared to OTL is the reason such rapid progress has been made. They may think that, I couldn't possibly comment.

It is possible to have a civilisation without horses. It's just really, really hard. But the Incas managed it.

Llamas and Alpacas helped fill the gap. Plus the Inca never really had enough agricultural surplus to get towns to a critical mass and have the literacy/science/etc explosion you saw in China and Europe.

The 2nd Division might have wrecked Paris but at least they spared Vienne the horrors of war this time. What a noble move, totally not a shameless abandonment at all.

Your role as official histographer of the T&T regime would be assured, were it not for the minor detail that no-one would ever commission the Official History of the Slovak Republic.

No Soviets nearing from the north, Comrade Stalin must be a bit disappointed by his Generals.

Indeed, this is why so many Soviet divisions have no commander. Stalin remains a bit purge happy.

So I needed to catch up some six months of updates - which is like 20 or so? And I'm glad to see everything's running a-ok for T&T. As long as the strategic reserve of hip flasks isn't empty nothing can go wrong.

The hipflask reserves will see Tiso through to the end. Though that does say more about the proximity of the inevitable ending than the size of said reserves.

 

[El Pip]

11th February 1945

It is bright and early on Monday morning and Bratislava has still not been attacked. Disappointed that this blessed relief has not come, Tiso has reluctantly convened the regular cabinet meeting.

"It appears nothing at all has happened recently?" He asked the cabinet.

"German intelligence believes there has been another purge of the Soviet Foreign Ministry." Von Killinger announced.

Tiso perked up, this could be slightly interesting.

"The Foreign Ministry reported news so utterly pointless that Stalin purged half the ministry as punishment." Fritz read from the report.

"And what was this news?" Tuka asked.

"We are still endeavouring to work that out." Von Killinger confessed.

"Any ideas from our Foreign Ministry?" Tiso asked.

Durcansky, who had been feeling smug about not reporting pointless news, suddenly felt the icy fingers of panic on his spine. He hurriedly flicked through his collection of Foreign Office memos about Yemeni coal donations, the Japanese reporting defeat in a naval battle from 1942 and other such trivia.

"The liberation of Albania?" He guessed.

Sorry Albania, even your liberators don't care and aren't really paying attention. I mean they invited Zog back to be not-King of the Federal Socialist Republic of Albania.​

"That is quite pointless news." Tiso agreed.

"Surely this news is somewhat important, with Army Group E captured it frees up more British and Soviet troops to threaten Slovakia?" Tuka asked.

"Technically, I suppose so." General Kubela said dubiously.

"What do you mean 'technically'?" Tiso asked with due trepidation.

"It does changes the odds against us from Extremely Overwhelming to Completely Overwhelming." Kubela admitted.

"However the General Staff don't think being a bit more outnumbered is going to make that much difference, given how outnumbered we were in the first place." Malar said.

Tiso was pleased, but not surprised, to discover he had subconsciously found and opened his hipflask.

--
Notes:
Albania has been liberated and surprisingly the Soviets have invited King Zog back. He is now General Secretary Zog I of the People's Socialist Republic of Albania, which will be confusing for all involved I imagine. Hoxha is in the game files, just not available till 1947, which is the level of baffling decision making we have all come to know and expect from Paradox.

I decided to spare you the Yemeni government, it was just the (by now) fairly standard horror show. Three members of the same family (King, his son and grandson) made up most of the government, grandson was only a teenager but for balance was only in control of the non-existent airforce and navy. Lots of corpses in the other role, none of whom had any connection to the Yemen (Chinese scholar/translator, Iraqi High commissioner, etc) Only point of interest was the coincidence that they had all died in 1934. Which is not really that interesting.

 

[Surt]

Maybe the British will decide that guarding against the perfidious Albanians is more important that some other City?

 

[Bullfilter]

T&T should clearly plan an escape to Yemen. In the the land of dead leaders, the alive former dictator (and his chief henchman) are king.

 

[roverS3]

Long live Albania, long live General Secretary Zog!
At this rate, maybe the brand new Albania will be the one to take Bratislava?

 

[Alex Kernel]

Hey, don't be mean to Slovakia! Bratislava still seems reasonably well defended, and it might resist for a month or two. This means we will have ample opportunities (maybe a year or more in our timeline ) to muse about the adventures of T&T, and of course of Von Killinger!

 

[Andre Massena]

Glad to see the Soviets reinstalling rightful monarchs

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

This means T&T might be punished by being put in charge of communist slovakia rather than being shot.

Not sure which is worse...

 

[Wraith11B]

This means T&T might be punished by being put in charge of communist slovakia rather than being shot.

Not sure which is worse...

Or even worse: put in charge of communist Czechoslovakia. *SPITS*

 

[El Pip]

Maybe the British will decide that guarding against the perfidious Albanians is more important that some other City?

What could be more important than Bratislava, the true Peal of the Danube? (As Budapest is currently 'The bombed out husk of the Danube', the title was vacant so Slovakia grabbed it).

T&T should clearly plan an escape to Yemen. In the the land of dead leaders, the alive former dictator (and his chief henchman) are king.

If being run by dead men is the only requirement then there are dozens of countries T&T can flee to, some of which may be somewhat more salubrious than Yemen. If nothing else the locals in Yemen were devout and quite strict, so I cannot see Tiso's hipflask habit being allowed - so perhaps there are some things worse than death by communist kangaroo court.

Long live Albania, long live General Secretary Zog!
At this rate, maybe the brand new Albania will be the one to take Bratislava?

Given the way the AI has been behaving, that would not be a surprising outcome.

Hey, don't be mean to Slovakia! Bratislava still seems reasonably well defended, and it might resist for a month or two. This means we will have ample opportunities (maybe a year or more in our timeline ) to muse about the adventures of T&T, and of course of Von Killinger!

I am pleased by your optimism about Slovakia's chances, slightly saddened that you lack faith in achieving the end of year deadline. But we can at least continue to agree on Von Killingers unique and valuable contribution.

Glad to see the Soviets reinstalling rightful monarchs

It is an amazing comeback for the incredible doctrine of Monarcho-Bolshevism, my second favourite barking mad monarchist ideology behind Monarcho-Syndicalism. Some thought it had died with the Mladorossi ('For the Tsar and the Soviets!'), clearly Paradox think the ideology is due a comeback.

This means T&T might be punished by being put in charge of communist slovakia rather than being shot.

Not sure which is worse...

They are well qualified candidates and have valuable 'puppet leader' experience, the Soviets could do a lot worse than keep them on. And as you say, in may ways it could be an appropriate punishment.

Or even worse: put in charge of communist Czechoslovakia. *SPITS*

Would it be worse though? I can see T&T relishing the chance to give the Czechs *spit* a taste of their own medicine (universities only teaching in Slovak, shutting the Prague medical school and moving it to Bratislava, government contracts only going to Slovak firms, massive state funding for Slovak sport teams, etc).

Plus being a Communist state there would be no elections and they'd have a huge secret police force to enforce policy, so they could relax and enjoy their revenge. The name of the country is not ideal, but even there they would probably be allowed a renaming, something like "The Union of People's Democratic Socialist Moravian Soviet Republics", make Slovakia and Czechia the two constituent Republics and job done. Plus bonus points for having a ridiculously long and pretentious country name, which the Comintern always appreciate.

 

[nuclearslurpee]

What could be more important than Bratislava, the true Peal of the Danube? (As Budapest is currently 'The bombed out husk of the Danube', the title was vacant so Slovakia grabbed it).

And of course, in their haste to steal such an auspicious title, they dropped a letter and spelt it "Peal", as in "of the bells heralding inevitable defeat and doom". This is, of course, entirely fitting and appropriate.

 

[Murmurandus]

Impending Doom(TM) sure takes its time.