Slav-a-Kia ... is that not a Kia dressed up as an Adidas tracksuit where the horn blares, "Blyat!"?
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Slav-a-Kia ... is that not a Kia dressed up as an Adidas tracksuit where the horn blares, "Blyat!"?
A fine idea, alas I fear Emperor Hirohito would get annoyed and put in a copyright claim.
As always, you are on top of your referencing game.
Sadly you are also on top of the page, but never let it be said I am not a forgiving and magnanimous author, for despite that gross faux pas the next is coming imminently.
2nd February 1945. Still. - Norwegian Intermission
2nd February 1945. Still.
We return, but not to Bratislava. Instead we are in London where the Norwegian Government-in-exile is meeting to discuss some urgent news. As a government-in-exile they don't get much news, let alone urgent news, so everyone is a bit over excited.
"What's this I hear about Leaks in the Government Nygaardsvold?" King Haakon VII asked.
"Nothing serious." Prime Minister Nygaardsvold replied.
"It's not cabinet minister having little accidents again?" King Haakon continued. "I could have sworn you lot were all toilet trained."
"Not that sort of leak!" Nygaardsvold said as his face flushed red.
"Well what are you talking about then?" King Haakon asked.
"Secret and valuable information no longer being secret." Nygaardsvold explained.
"Information like the return date of the award winning and much missed story For King Haakon and the Fjords?" The King asked.
"Your majesty!" Nygaardsvold scolded.
"They love a bit of Fourth Wall breaking." King Haakon gestured towards the readers.
Nygaardsvold just stared angrily.
The news of when For King Haakon and the Fjords will return is probably the greatest and most valuable secret in all of Norway. King Haakon isn't actually in Norway, but he has never let such trivial details bother him before.
"Oh alright. Any other news?"
"The BBC is reporting heavy fighting around Bratislava." Nygaardsvold said.
"You realise what that means?" The King said excitedly.
"That Slovakia may soon be annexed?" Nygaardsvold said warily.
"Exactly! Once T&T are out of the way we will be one step closer to 'For King Haakon and The Fjords' making it's triumphant return to AARland."
King Haakon winked towards the screen as Nygaardsvold started to scream in rage.
--
Notes:
This update came to me in a flash on seeing the message. Once King Haakon had reawoken he was most insistent it got posted and so here we are. Should keep @Hightemplar and @AtlanticFriend happy if no-one else.
We return, but not to Bratislava. Instead we are in London where the Norwegian Government-in-exile is meeting to discuss some urgent news. As a government-in-exile they don't get much news, let alone urgent news, so everyone is a bit over excited.
"What's this I hear about Leaks in the Government Nygaardsvold?" King Haakon VII asked.
"Nothing serious." Prime Minister Nygaardsvold replied.
"It's not cabinet minister having little accidents again?" King Haakon continued. "I could have sworn you lot were all toilet trained."
"Not that sort of leak!" Nygaardsvold said as his face flushed red.
"Well what are you talking about then?" King Haakon asked.
"Secret and valuable information no longer being secret." Nygaardsvold explained.
"Information like the return date of the award winning and much missed story For King Haakon and the Fjords?" The King asked.
"Your majesty!" Nygaardsvold scolded.
"They love a bit of Fourth Wall breaking." King Haakon gestured towards the readers.
Nygaardsvold just stared angrily.
The news of when For King Haakon and the Fjords will return is probably the greatest and most valuable secret in all of Norway. King Haakon isn't actually in Norway, but he has never let such trivial details bother him before.
"Oh alright. Any other news?"
"The BBC is reporting heavy fighting around Bratislava." Nygaardsvold said.
"You realise what that means?" The King said excitedly.
"That Slovakia may soon be annexed?" Nygaardsvold said warily.
"Exactly! Once T&T are out of the way we will be one step closer to 'For King Haakon and The Fjords' making it's triumphant return to AARland."
King Haakon winked towards the screen as Nygaardsvold started to scream in rage.
--
Notes:
This update came to me in a flash on seeing the message. Once King Haakon had reawoken he was most insistent it got posted and so here we are. Should keep @Hightemplar and @AtlanticFriend happy if no-one else.
As soon as I read this update, I could not control my laughing. Indeed, even my cat joined in, haakoning up a hairball!
How low have I fallen? oh, to about 5' 8"... 1.78m for you metric lot.
How low have I fallen? oh, to about 5' 8"... 1.78m for you metric lot.
Some shameless cross-promotion there, but the urge must have been irresistible given that message. Also spins the tale out just a little further. I saw what you did there.
Amusing for the fans of Haakon, but it’s sad news for T&T: their show is already having ads played for the series that will replace them, before they have kicked the political bucket. Rather humiliating for them, really. Which on balance is a good thing, in moral terms: surely it will be Czech-mate for them soon!
Amusing for the fans of Haakon, but it’s sad news for T&T: their show is already having ads played for the series that will replace them, before they have kicked the political bucket. Rather humiliating for them, really. Which on balance is a good thing, in moral terms: surely it will be Czech-mate for them soon!
An El Pip AAR beginning to end and the announcement of Ck3. Momentous times in these parts.
Notes:
This update came to me in a flash on seeing the message. Once King Haakon had reawoken he was most insistent it got posted and so here we are. Should keep Hightemplar and AtlanticFriend happy if no-one else.
I too am happy with this development. While the coming end of TT is striking a sad string in me, I hope they at least go off with a bang... or whatever substitute they can find in Slovakia.
My head canon is that the slovakians have only just developed the most basic of alcohol productions down, given how it was one of the first things ancient humans figured out how to do...which means that if they're drinking their own vodka its actually quite poisonous.
So I expect them to collapse and die just before the [insert country here] smash down the door.
Excellent work from you and your cat. Keep this up and there may yet be a Slovak Medal in it for you.
It was a message from the game engine calling out to King Haakon, as you say how could I resist? Plus I thought of the leaking cabinet joke and that was very much not a T&T joke but a Haakon and the Fjords line.Some shameless cross-promotion there, but the urge must have been irresistible given that message. Also spins the tale out just a little further. I saw what you did there.
Amusing for the fans of Haakon, but it’s sad news for T&T: their show is already having ads played for the series that will replace them, before they have kicked the political bucket. Rather humiliating for them, really. Which on balance is a good thing, in moral terms: surely it will be Czech-mate for them soon!
T&T can't really complain, they are probably an absolute cert for the best/worst game-time:real-time ratio and have dragged this out for damn near 8 years. The end had to come, it was in the title after all.
Well indeed. Assuming I can get T&T finished by the end of this decade, I may go for the double and try to get Haakon wrapped up before CK3 emerges. God knows what I will do then, but that is a problem for Future Pip.
Delighted to see you return. I have already planned the final scene for T&T and I hope it is at least memorable.
Are you sure Slovakia has developed the technology for whimpering? They might just look vaguely sad and pathetic but not know how to express that emotion as they lack the necessary precursor techs.
You under-estimate Tiso's battle-hardened liver. While the contents of the hipflask will remain forever mysterious, they make mere methanol and other such poisonous distillation by-products look like spring water.
And on that cheerfully alcoholic note, let us return to Bratislava!
3rd February 1945
3rd February 1945
It was Saturday, so Tiso and Tuka had decreed the briefing would be held in the cabinet rooms in the Presidential Bungalow, basically it was a shorter walk so they could enjoy a lie-in. Some people might say that having a lie-in while the capital is under attack, and you are in the capital, is a dereliction of their sacred duty as President and Prime Minister. These people clearly have not been paying attention.
"What is the latest news from the front?" Tiso tried to get straight to the point.
"The Allied bombers are heavily targetting our HQ units." General Kubela said with concern.
"That means they are not targetting our militia. That sounds like good news." Tuka said.
"My brother is unsure how long the HQ staff can last under this attack, they may crack soon." General G. Malar explained.
"If they do, then the links to the General Staff will be endangered and the troops denied the wisdom and support of HQ and the Slovak High Command." Kublea continued.
"Still sounds like good news to me." Tiso confessed.
The restrained sobbing of the Slovak General Staff was interrupted as the door was kicked in and a heroic figure stood, silhouetted in the door.
"General Turanec!" Tuka exclaimed, scrabbling around for a hat to put on so he could reverentially remove it.
"Indeed. And I bring great news, my division has reached Bratislava and forced the enemy to abandon the attack." Turanec said.
The British were unwilling to continue attacking at night, over a river, into a fort and against equal numbers. It seems a reasonable decision, then you remember they have utter air supremacy and a vast tactical air force, at which point it becomes a more questionable decision.
"The capital is saved!" Kubela cheered.
The celebrations stopped awkwardly as the Staff noticed Turanec not joining in.
"I also bring sad news, the men of the Bratislava HQ paid the ultimate price for this victory." Turanec solemnly declared.
The cunning RAF plan had been to bomb the Bratislava HQ first to disrupt the Slovak forces chain of command and leave the defenders leaderless. It had partially worked, the only slight flaw was that the Slovak troops fought better once the HQ and staff officers stopped getting in the way.
"Those lucky men, to die for the Fuhrer in such a cause." Baron Von Killinger openly wept.
"One question General." Fritz asked. "This message says the Bratislava HQ is going to reform in Bratislava."
Turanec nodded.
"Where are they then?" Fritz continued.
There was an awkward silence.
Meanwhile, somewhere to the North
General Augustin Malar dusted himself down and looked around. He should probably tell the Vodca and the General Staff where he was. He start hunting around for the nearest carrier pigeon.
General A. Malar in Berlin with the cadre of the Bratislava HQ, for some reason. Also of note, the elite Fallschirmjäger division guarding a port, the multiple rocket test sites, the lack of any other troops and the giant stack of HQs making Berlin look untidy.
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Notes:
I assume the AI just got confused when it couldn't reform the HQ in a province under attack, so defaulted to Berlin as the capital of Slovakia's puppet masters.
On a similar note the British AI did cancel the attack when 1st Division arrived. I'm not really sure why as they were achingly close to winning and had massive air support. Such are the mysteries of the AI.
It was Saturday, so Tiso and Tuka had decreed the briefing would be held in the cabinet rooms in the Presidential Bungalow, basically it was a shorter walk so they could enjoy a lie-in. Some people might say that having a lie-in while the capital is under attack, and you are in the capital, is a dereliction of their sacred duty as President and Prime Minister. These people clearly have not been paying attention.
"What is the latest news from the front?" Tiso tried to get straight to the point.
"The Allied bombers are heavily targetting our HQ units." General Kubela said with concern.
"That means they are not targetting our militia. That sounds like good news." Tuka said.
"My brother is unsure how long the HQ staff can last under this attack, they may crack soon." General G. Malar explained.
"If they do, then the links to the General Staff will be endangered and the troops denied the wisdom and support of HQ and the Slovak High Command." Kublea continued.
"Still sounds like good news to me." Tiso confessed.
The restrained sobbing of the Slovak General Staff was interrupted as the door was kicked in and a heroic figure stood, silhouetted in the door.
"General Turanec!" Tuka exclaimed, scrabbling around for a hat to put on so he could reverentially remove it.
"Indeed. And I bring great news, my division has reached Bratislava and forced the enemy to abandon the attack." Turanec said.
The British were unwilling to continue attacking at night, over a river, into a fort and against equal numbers. It seems a reasonable decision, then you remember they have utter air supremacy and a vast tactical air force, at which point it becomes a more questionable decision.
"The capital is saved!" Kubela cheered.
The celebrations stopped awkwardly as the Staff noticed Turanec not joining in.
"I also bring sad news, the men of the Bratislava HQ paid the ultimate price for this victory." Turanec solemnly declared.
The cunning RAF plan had been to bomb the Bratislava HQ first to disrupt the Slovak forces chain of command and leave the defenders leaderless. It had partially worked, the only slight flaw was that the Slovak troops fought better once the HQ and staff officers stopped getting in the way.
"Those lucky men, to die for the Fuhrer in such a cause." Baron Von Killinger openly wept.
"One question General." Fritz asked. "This message says the Bratislava HQ is going to reform in Bratislava."
Turanec nodded.
"Where are they then?" Fritz continued.
There was an awkward silence.
Meanwhile, somewhere to the North
General Augustin Malar dusted himself down and looked around. He should probably tell the Vodca and the General Staff where he was. He start hunting around for the nearest carrier pigeon.
General A. Malar in Berlin with the cadre of the Bratislava HQ, for some reason. Also of note, the elite Fallschirmjäger division guarding a port, the multiple rocket test sites, the lack of any other troops and the giant stack of HQs making Berlin look untidy.
--
Notes:
I assume the AI just got confused when it couldn't reform the HQ in a province under attack, so defaulted to Berlin as the capital of Slovakia's puppet masters.
On a similar note the British AI did cancel the attack when 1st Division arrived. I'm not really sure why as they were achingly close to winning and had massive air support. Such are the mysteries of the AI.
Well, this certainly is a blow to the King Haakon faction of the audience. I, of course, have no complaints about the inevitable ending of this AAR being delayed ever longer!
While I believe the Wolgast province encompasses the location of Peenemünde island, I can find no evidence of Rügen being used as anything more interesting than a failed resort town. One wonders if perhaps Paradox "researchers" got their islands confused, and elected to give both provinces a rocket site to ensure that they had covered all of their bases.
I've observed that the AI is generally unable to distinguish between active and reserve units in a battle, probably because the battle completion calculation (which gives you the little number inside the bubbly arrow indicating a battle) doesn't either. While we could question what could possibly have driven Paradox to make such an egregious oversight, real veterans of Paradox will instead nod sagely and instead ask what it would have taken to drive Paradox not to make such an oversight.
From a Slovak newspaper reporting on the situation: "The rebuilt HQ was made out of renowned doctors and their corpsmen from the local hospitals, which were temporarily closed down for the immediate needs of our great nation. Our highly competent HQ personnel and leadership should secure the impenetrable defence of Bratislava as soon as they reach the capital, shortly after saluting the Führer in Berlin. The German Leader has assured the Slovak officers that the Allies and the Soviets will soon be on the brink of defeat, because the joint German-Slovak forces are preparing a massive offensive operation. Long Live our Victorious Nation!"
T&T live to fight another day. Or in the real world, another year or two in El Pip slower-than-real-time!
Clearly the Germans kidnapped Malar for some nefarious (and wasteful) plot involving rockets, which is why the British stopped their attack. Or maybe the Brits just wanted this AAR to continue a little longer.
Will the Heroes of Paris be joining the defense of the capital soon?
Will the Heroes of Paris be joining the defense of the capital soon?
Finally an AI decision that makes sense in the AAR...
How long will it take for Malar to realise he's in Berlin, and not just in an other neighbourhood of Brats in Lava. Also, how did Malar get to Berlin in under an hour? Does that have something to do with some secret German rocket programme?
So, I haven't obviously read it whole, in fact, I am still on posts from 2011.
But this seems like a fun huge AAR to read.
I like how the industry seems to be stuck in the 1840s and Tiso's reaction to it.
Great fun.
But this seems like a fun huge AAR to read.
I like how the industry seems to be stuck in the 1840s and Tiso's reaction to it.
Great fun.
I have this mental image of Hitler delivering this in a speech a bit like Spinal Tap in the Simpsons - :"I thought they could fight in Romania but nobody fights like... (checks speech notes) ... Slovakia*!
*Nobody fights like Slovakia may be a literally true statement...
- 1
Oh, for a moment I hoped that Slovakia was going to annex Berlin and make the Third Reich its puppet. Shame.
This is reassuring to hear, I had been concerned people would be so keen to see King Haakon return they would lost interest in T&T.Well, this certainly is a blow to the King Haakon faction of the audience. I, of course, have no complaints about the inevitable ending of this AAR being delayed ever longer!
Punnage aside, the explanation is of course Paradox's left and right hand being locked in a mortal battle to kill each other while remaining in utter ignorance of the other.
So the 1939 scenario team dropped a Lev 1 rocket base in Rügen (because they were confused about geography?) then the 1944 team added in a Lev 6 base (reasonable enough to account for all the wartime construction) in the correct location in Wolgast. And, as previously established, never actually play tested the game to notice their mistakes.
Wise words indeed.I've observed that the AI is generally unable to distinguish between active and reserve units in a battle, probably because the battle completion calculation (which gives you the little number inside the bubbly arrow indicating a battle) doesn't either. While we could question what could possibly have driven Paradox to make such an egregious oversight, real veterans of Paradox will instead nod sagely and instead ask what it would have taken to drive Paradox not to make such an oversight.
An excellent start. Needs a bit more Socially Realistic poetry, or at least the threat of it, but good work nevertheless.
Hush you. If I can keep up the current crazy two updates a week pace it will see this (probably) finished before the end of the year.
The Brits can appreciate an excellent AAR and couldn't bare to see it end too soon.
All will be revealed in the next chapter. Probably.
These are excellent questions and some, none or fewer of them may be answer in the next chapter.
Delighted to have you along, welcome aboard.
I'm also getting a nostalgic flashback to when Slovakia was only in the 1840s. They've gone back a long way since then...
The all too rare Hitler/Spinal Tap cross-over making it's long over due appearance.
It is also true nobody fights like the Slovakians, certainly no-one has ever defended Paris as well as they have. It's not much, but it is a start.
This would be the ideal result, but even Paradox couldn't cock things up that much.
Bottom of the page, so let us destroy the schedule and return to Bratislava slightly early!