Inevitable Defeat - Slovakia '44

[El Pip]

3rd January 1945

We return to Bratislava, but not to see Tiso and Tuka. Instead we find ourselves in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs where Interim-Assistant-Under Foreign Minister Durcansky is sorting the telegrams. He looked up as the Justice Minister entered.

"Fritz, thank you for coming." He said with relief.

"Anything for a government colleague. How can I assist?" Fritz replied.

"I wish some advice on which of these messages I should pass onto cabinet."

"Is that not a matter for the Foreign Minister himself?" Fritz warily said.

"Alas Stefan is neglecting his duties due to his obsession." Durcansky sighed. "He has said he will not carry out any government work until someone lets him out of the office,."

"Which is something his brother refuses to allow." Fritz nodded sympathetically.

"This leaves me effectively in charge, given my own unfortunate history with the glorious Vodca I would appreciate your thoughts on which news I should pass on."

"I will assist where I can." Fritz agreed, causing Durcansky's face to light up.

"The first is news of Scandal in Scandinavia."

A junior minister had suggested Sweden stop hiding behind other people's soldiers and join the war. Or at the very least stop selling key war supplies to Nazi Germany at cheap prices. The horrific idea that someone with backbone and common decency had somehow got into parliament rocked the country's leadership to the core.​

"I venture to guess this is not news the Vodca would wish to see?" Durcansky hesitantly spoke.

"News that the Sweden's politicians are scandalous is like an announcement that loop-pile carpet needs underlay! Pointless." Fritz nodded encouragingly.

Reacting to the nodding as much as the words, Durcansky put the message on the discard tray and moved on.

"There is some political news about one of our enemies, government leakers in Bhutan."

If a Bhutanese minister leaks information, but no-one pays any attention because no-one cares, does the leaking minster make a sound?​

Seeing the doubtful look on Fritz's face Durcansky continued.

"It was their reaction that might be of interest, the Bhutanese government responded to the leak by killing every politician who was not a member of the governing party."

"Really?" Fritz asked.

"We understand the only politicians left in the country are members of the Peace and Prosperity Party."

"For our leaders that news will be like properly tacked and bonded Berber; a small joy that lifts the soul." Fritz said.

Pleased to have some good news to present to cabinet, Durcansky came to his final message.

"One of our enemies is growing in economic strength."

Production of rancid yak butter will be increased by an insignificant percentage for a relatively short period of time!​

"But I don't think it matters?" Durcansky ventured.

"I concur, that news is as pointless as using underlay, grippers and tacks on a felt backed trim-piled carpet. And just as interesting!" Fritz chuckled to himself.

Durcansky nervously put the message to one side, briefly wondering if perhaps there was more to the Nepalese news than either of them thought.


Meanwhile, in Kathmandu

"You summoned me mighty King Tribhuvan." Prime Minister Rana said.

"I have decided we must take drastic measures to reform our economy, that we might be able to better contribute to this war and bring glory and honour to Nepal."

"That is a bold move your highness." Rana said doubtfully. "Is it not risky to carry out such reforms during a war?"

"I have checked with the Treasury, they say we have no money and have run out of everything." Tribhuvan retorted. "We have nothing to risk."

Nodding sadly Rana replied.

"What are these bold reforms?" He asked.

"I shall reform the government, no longer shall it consist solely of your family." Tribhuvan said.

What the Rana family lack in diversity of last name they more than compensate for with an thrilling variety of hats.​

Rana was chap fallen, but rallied.

"We live to serve, but I must warn you these men were the finest in Nepal and picked for their abilities not their familial ties." He said.

"We shall see, Prime Minster, we shall see." Tribhuvan said.


Slightly later in Khatmandu

Tribhuvan and Mohan Rana are reviewing the new cabinet.

"It is certainly the dramatic change you desired your highness." Rana said dubiously.

"These men will bring a new perspective." Tribhuvan said brightly.

"I'm sure both of them will. But is it a perspective that will improve Nepal?"

"What do you mean Prime Minster?" Tribhuvan asked.

"Well I an unsure of the wisdom of appointing one man to every job." Rana replied.

"Not every job, I hired Captain Potter from the British to lead the Army."

"You do know Potter isn't actually a real British Army officer but is an ex-Bank Manager from their Home Guard?"

Tribhuvan looked startled at the news, but rallied.

"I think he will be fine. And surely you can have no doubts about the qualities of Admiral Collins?" The King almost begged.

"While I am no nautical man, I don't think he's a real US Admiral. He knows nothing about the sea or the US Navy. And his epaulettes are made of cardboard."

"Are you sure?" Tribhuvan sat down heavily as his legs gave way.

"I think he's just an actor in a US Admiral costume." Rana explained.

The reformed Nepalese government in all it's glory. Some of you may be thinking H.T.S. Collins looks exactly like Lloyd Bridges playing Admiral Benson from Hot Shots. Some of you are entirely correct. Also of note Captain Mainwaring from Dad's Army cunningly renamed as Potter.​

"I've just made it all worse haven't I?" Tribhuvan asked.

Rana nodded.

"Tits." King Tribhuvan sighed.

--
Notes:
Starting in Bhutan I noticed the country only has minister for one political party, the ominously named "Peace and Prosperity Party" who are naturally Paternal Autocrat. You have choices within that group, but nothing else. That's quite the lazy oversight, so if your future plans included playing as Communist Bhutan you may require a mod.

Turning to Nepal I've little to add over and above the issues highlighted above, save for the fact that Paradox has misspelt Tribhuvan's name and given him an erroneous 'a' on the end. The actual history of the sprawling Rana clan and their fights with King Tribhuvan about who actually ran the country are long, complex and probably of interest to few reading this, so I shall spare my fingers the typing.

 

[Surt]

Bhutan politics seems to be complicated.

 

[Bullfilter]

Ah, the dusty attic of the world revealed in all its glory to contain - not very much of any use. Of course, the great scandal in Sweden was the historical research done for the 1944 scenario. But it’s 1945 now, so I guess we can just ignore it.

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

The reformed Nepalese government in all it's glory. Some of you may be thinking H.T.S. Collins looks exactly like Lloyd Bridges playing Admiral Benson from Hot Shots. Some of you are entirely correct. Also of note Captain Mainwaring from Dad's Army cunningly renamed as Potter

Well clearly the people in charge of Nepal's cabinet option were trolls. Question now is, were they in charge of all the other cabinet choices in the game?

I think this adds credence/confirms the troll theory though. At least in some places.

 

[Wraith11B]

Might have fed the rationale behind only having two start dates... keeps Paradox from having to pay for all of that additional research time.

 

[Rifal]

The horrific idea that someone with backbone and common decency had somehow got into parliament rocked the country's leadership to the core.

Given the current political climate we got going on, this is all to realistic of a scenario.

 

[Andre Massena]

Much to learn from Nepal...

 

[SgtGranite]

Reaching 1945? A momentous occasion indeed.
Equally momentous is the laughable state Sweden's cabinet is in. You'd have to think, minor though it is, the devs would take special care for the authenticity of their homeland.

 

[El Pip]

Bhutan politics seems to be complicated.

It is actually quite simple - join the Peace and Prosperity Party or die.

Ah, the dusty attic of the world revealed in all its glory to contain - not very much of any use. Of course, the great scandal in Sweden was the historical research done for the 1944 scenario. But it’s 1945 now, so I guess we can just ignore it.

The attic of the world contains some excellent comic actors (two) and an amazingly Machiavellian political family. It is therefore automatically more interesting than Sweden.

Well clearly the people in charge of Nepal's cabinet option were trolls. Question now is, were they in charge of all the other cabinet choices in the game?

I think this adds credence/confirms the troll theory though. At least in some places.

I believe the Nepal lot were involved in at least some of the obscure minors cabinets - see Saudi Arabia who have a certain Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart of UNIT fame to call upon along with Blimp-Worthington (picture being of Colonel Blimp from the eponymous film). And of course Zombie Lawrence of Arabia.

Might have fed the rationale behind only having two start dates... keeps Paradox from having to pay for all of that additional research time.

I don't think they even did research for the single start date frankly.

Given the current political climate we got going on, this is all to realistic of a scenario.

Much to learn from Nepal...

Indeed. Though perhaps more as warning than example.

Reaching 1945? A momentous occasion indeed.
Equally momentous is the laughable state Sweden's cabinet is in. You'd have to think, minor though it is, the devs would take special care for the authenticity of their homeland.

It is a surprisingly bad job. I wonder if they just put some placeholders in but then, because even the devs and testers were too bored to play as Sweden, forgot all about it and no-one has noticed until now.

What kind of madman tries to play as Leninist Sweden in a 1944 start anyway? It's a bit specialist.

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

I believe the Nepal lot were involved in at least some of the obscure minors cabinets - see Saudi Arabia who have a certain Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart of UNIT fame to call upon along with Blimp-Worthington (picture being of Colonel Blimp from the eponymous film). And of course Zombie Lawrence of Arabia.

That's fantastic. Clearly there are a series of AAR prompts to be had in this sorry tale.

 

[El Pip]

4th January 1945

We return to Bratislava where Tiso and Tuka are having their midday military briefing. Because Tiso has realised that he is supreme autocratic leader, so he can just ban early morning meetings.

"What is the latest news from the front?" Tiso asked.

Kubela cleared his throat and replied.

"The 1st (Slovakia's Finest) Division are fleeing for their lives to the pointless town of Chisineu-Cris, a place so banal that hopefully the Soviets won't bother with capturing it."

Tiso and Tuka exchanged a glance.

"Was there some earlier news we should have heard first?" Tiso asked.

"Yes." Malar said.

There was a long pause.

Tuka twigged and started screaming about thrice damned Slovakian military literalness.

"Pease tell us the relevant news, in order." Tiso asked as his colleague stopped for breath.

"In the early hours of this morning the Axis force in Oradea was attacked." Kubela said grumpily

On the defence, outnumbering the enemy 2:1 and with no shortage of command units about. This is very much the opposite of an ominous start.​

"General Turanec deferred to the German Corps commander on the scene. He was fairly confident as the weather conditions were in our favour, the rest of the force was well dug in and the Axis had superior numbers." Kubela said.

"That all seems positive?" Tuka ventured.

"It was. Then the fighting started." Malar explained.

You can see the haunted sadness in General Kichner's eyes. LVII. Panzerkorps used to be a mighty unit, he'd had SS Panzer Divisions and proper PanzerGrenadiers under his control, and now he's reduced to wearing a Hungarian hat and commanding dregs. In contrast the Soviets were so confident of success their commander hadn't bothered to turn up.​

"The first clue things were going badly was when the 10th and 12th Unpronounceable-random-pile-of-consonants divisions ran away." Kubela said.

"Then the Croatian von fraudster Percevic also fled the battle."

There was a pause as the Germans present spat in disgust at the mention of this terrible crime

"Finally Turanec remembered his troops still hadn't recovered from their heroics at Arad and had no organisation, so was forced to retreat."

There may come a time when 1st (Eastern Brackets) Division can recover and actually get some org back. But it is not this day.​

"We understand that this left General Kichner with no actual fighting troops left, only HQ staff, and he was defeated shortly after." Kubela finished the round up.

"And this all occurred before lunch?" Tuka asked.

Kubela and Malar nodded.

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up liquid breakfasts." Tiso said sadly to his colleague.

---
Notes:
Maybe if I keep the updates short and regular we might make progress. But that does seems like crazy talk.

In any case the Eastern Front is not going well. It was only back in December 2018 that we met the Croatian von Fraudster so maybe he seems familiar?

General Kichner has the correct OTL job, just now he's been load to Hungary and given command of some useless divisions rather than the elite panzers and mechanised infantry he is used to. There is nothing particularly interesting to say about him, so we will stop here.

 

[Bullfilter]

Ah, all the units defending the line are hollow, already in retreat and/or disorganised. The historical research for the 1944 start may be off, but it seems to be playing fairly realistically. By this time in OTL of course the Bulge had been fought and lost, the Eastern Front having been deprived of the best of what was left. Not sure if the game has done the same, but it sounds like it may have.

T&T may wish to now adopt a balanced diet: liquid breakfast, lunch and dinner. Plus a nightcap. Someone can wake them up from their drunken stupor when it’s time for the war crimes trial (if the Allies take Bratislava). Or the show trial in Prague (if it’s the Soviets) and firing squad; not necessarily in that order.

 

[Wraith11B]

I believe that only eight days between updates has to be a Pip record! Is the apocalypse coming? Surely, it must feel that way in France right now...

 

[Surt]

Maybe if someone actually had any AT- weapons they could have held out until midday.

 

[H.Appleby]

Could we have a map to update us on the progress of the already white-hot Race to Bratislava?

And (needless to say) your writing remains peerless.

 

[El Pip]

Ah, all the units defending the line are hollow, already in retreat and/or disorganised. The historical research for the 1944 start may be off, but it seems to be playing fairly realistically. By this time in OTL of course the Bulge had been fought and lost, the Eastern Front having been deprived of the best of what was left. Not sure if the game has done the same, but it sounds like it may have.

Not that I can tell. Germany is basically out of manpower, but still has huge piles of oil, fuel and supplies. As you will see the fronts have also deviated wildly from OTL.

T&T may wish to now adopt a balanced diet: liquid breakfast, lunch and dinner. Plus a nightcap. Someone can wake them up from their drunken stupor when it’s time for the war crimes trial (if the Allies take Bratislava). Or the show trial in Prague (if it’s the Soviets) and firing squad; not necessarily in that order.

That is a sensible plan, so we can be sure that it is the one thing Slovakia will not do.

I believe that only eight days between updates has to be a Pip record! Is the apocalypse coming? Surely, it must feel that way in France right now...

It's still over a week, we've not breached safety limits yet. We can get through this.

Maybe if someone actually had any AT- weapons they could have held out until midday.

It was as much a lack of any actual troops that was the problem, though additional AT weapons are always welcome.

Could we have a map to update us on the progress of the already white-hot Race to Bratislava?

And (needless to say) your writing remains peerless.

You are too kind. And to prove that flattery gets you everywhere, here is a map from very late December 1944. Pre-France being liberated but best I can do;

The Allies should be south of the Apennine mountains at this point, so the big push out to liberate Italy and spread out into Southern France and Austria/Yugoslavia is a big achievement. This has come at the cost of pathetic progress in Northern France and the Low Countries though.

The northern bit of the Eastern Front is a German triumph, by this date in OTL Operation Bagration and the Baltic Offensive should have pushed the Germans back into East Prussia and the Gates of Warsaw. Instead the Germans are still around Leningrad and Minsk.

Even the Southern part is better than OTL, by now Budapest should be encircled with the Soviets eyeing up Slovakia (OK eyeing up Vienna and Slovakia is just in the way).

Overall, unless the AI really cocks up (always possible) the British will win the Race to Bratislava by a very long way.

 

[H.Appleby]

Overall, unless the AI really cocks up (always possible) the British will win the Race to Bratislava by a very long way.

As is appropriate in an El Pip AAR. *nods sagaciously*

Bratislava is a stepping stone on the road to the hidey-hole of the TRUE Enemy, Sweden.

It's still over a week, we've not breached safety limits yet. We can get through this.

3.6 roentgen, not great, not terrible.

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

Huh...so as it turns out, everyone in this universe really is terrible and moronic. But at least the British still, somehow, end up on top anyway.

 

[nuclearslurpee]

Not that I can tell. Germany is basically out of manpower, but still has huge piles of oil, fuel and supplies. As you will see the fronts have also deviated wildly from OTL.

This has always been one of the most infuriating things to me about vanilla HoI3. Unless you just take advantage of the AI and mercilessly exploit it to cheese a win in mid-1942, the outcome of the game is predetermined not because of resource shortage or even supply strain, but because Germany suddenly in mid-1944 loses all capacity to reinforce or reorganize their divisions because of hitting zero manpower. Paradox couldn't even be arsed to put in some sort of emergency draft to give manpower at a steep penalty to keep the game interesting, even though they had three expansions to do it with mounds of evidence from completed Allied/Comintern AARs that this was necessary, and even though modders have shown how trivially easy this is to do.

I tell you, there's few things worse in this game than playing a historical USA, launching a historical D-Day, and finding out that you could have sent a division of 70-year-old men in wheelchairs to roll their way to Berlin past a horde of 0-org, 50%-strength Axis divisions that can't do a damn thing to stop you. Really takes the wind out of your sails after seven or eight years of painstaking buildup and planning.

But enough ranting at Paradox from me, I must of course defer to the authAAR and leave the best material for our glorious overlord.

Huh...so as it turns out, everyone in this universe really is terrible and moronic. But at least the British still, somehow, end up on top anyway.

Ah, yes. The British: winners of the Universal Terrible and Moronic Persons competition annually since long before anyone can remember.

 

[TheButterflyComposer]

This has always been one of the most infuriating things to me about vanilla HoI3. Unless you just take advantage of the AI and mercilessly exploit it to cheese a win in mid-1942, the outcome of the game is predetermined not because of resource shortage or even supply strain, but because Germany suddenly in mid-1944 loses all capacity to reinforce or reorganize their divisions because of hitting zero manpower.

Yeah but...that's what actually happened. And the reason why they could never have won the war.