By the way, Dr. Gonzo's post, including the date, just reminded me that you have managed to advance the game 6 days in the 13,5 months since you started this AAR. Surely that must put even your slower-than-real-time Butterfly Effect to shame? 
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Kurt_Steiner - I'm fairly sure Tiso did exist, fairly sure...
loki100 - 3rd Ukrainian Front are still a comfortable distance away. Sadly 2nd Ukrainian Front are alarmingly close.
Gen. Marshall - I can only hope you are still sufficiently happy in a few months time.
Nathan Madien - Glad your pleased. If this was a different AAR I might go with a Dallas style dream sequence. As it is they're with this till the bitter, inevitable end.
Stuyvesant - There's always the chance of being conquered by the Allies instead of the Soviets, got to look at the positives!
Dr. Gonzo - You say that. And your probably right. But at least if the Justice Minister had views on carpeting bombing he would know powered flight was possible, putting him in a very elite group in Slovak society.
Stuyvesant - I like to think of it as being stately and majestic. That and firmly establishing myself as undisputed master of slower-than-real-time.
loki100 - 3rd Ukrainian Front are still a comfortable distance away. Sadly 2nd Ukrainian Front are alarmingly close.
Gen. Marshall - I can only hope you are still sufficiently happy in a few months time.
Nathan Madien - Glad your pleased. If this was a different AAR I might go with a Dallas style dream sequence. As it is they're with this till the bitter, inevitable end.
Stuyvesant - There's always the chance of being conquered by the Allies instead of the Soviets, got to look at the positives!
Dr. Gonzo - You say that. And your probably right. But at least if the Justice Minister had views on carpeting bombing he would know powered flight was possible, putting him in a very elite group in Slovak society.
Stuyvesant - I like to think of it as being stately and majestic. That and firmly establishing myself as undisputed master of slower-than-real-time.
25th June 1944
25th June
Tiso and Tuka have managed to get past the issue of the missing Chief of the Air Force, mainly by teaching the General Staff to correctly spell the names of their own officers. However the mysteriously missing Slovakian air force problem remained.
"Given the risks I must warn you Mr President, don't tell anyone we can't find the air force." Malar begged.
"In case news leaks to the Allies?" Tiso asked.
"In case news leaks to the Germans and they want paying early because we've lost the planes." Malar replied. "So tell no-one, especially not anyone in the Intelligence service."
"But surely our own intelligence services are the best people to help look for the lost aircraft?" Tiso asked.
"Ordinarily so, but we have... doubts about the head of Slovak Intelligence." Malar said cautiously.
At this stage Tiso was beginning to have doubts if anyone in the Slovak government was intelligent, but he played along. Keen for any excuse to escape the military briefing he decided to investigate the intelligence services.
As the Tiso, Tuka and Malar trio wait for the man in question to arrive, Tiso asked Malar for some details on these dot dot dot doubts.
"Frankly Mr President we think he is a German spy." Malar said. He started to explain, but hurriedly shut up as the man in question entered the room.
Tiso briefly considered being subtle, but one look at his Head of Intelligence made him decide to go for the direct option.
"So Mr Bernard, you are a German agent sent to spy on the Slovak government." Tiso said.
Hans Bernard considered denying it, but seeing the certainty in their faces realised the game was up.
Hans Not-A-German Bernard, distinguished graduate of the finest Abwher spy schools. The poor man never stood a chance.
"Yes it is true, but how did you know?" He asked.
"Well you've kept your original name, which aside from sounding German is entirely lacking a j, k, v, t or z, making it very suspicious. Plus of course you're still wearing your Nazi uniform and have a badge on saying 'I'm a German spy'" Tiso explained.
"Curses!" Hans exclaimed. "As they said in spy school, it is always the little details that give you away!"
For the first time in days Tiso relaxed, now at least he knew he wasn't the only leader in the Axis suffering from incompetent subordinates.
--
Bonus Facts - Hans Bernard was the OTL German ambassador to Bratislava, until August 1940 at which point he was replaced and moved on to Italy, never to return to Slovakia. Why he is an industrial specialist is almost as big a mystery as why he was the Slovakian intelligence minister at all.
Tiso and Tuka have managed to get past the issue of the missing Chief of the Air Force, mainly by teaching the General Staff to correctly spell the names of their own officers. However the mysteriously missing Slovakian air force problem remained.
"Given the risks I must warn you Mr President, don't tell anyone we can't find the air force." Malar begged.
"In case news leaks to the Allies?" Tiso asked.
"In case news leaks to the Germans and they want paying early because we've lost the planes." Malar replied. "So tell no-one, especially not anyone in the Intelligence service."
"But surely our own intelligence services are the best people to help look for the lost aircraft?" Tiso asked.
"Ordinarily so, but we have... doubts about the head of Slovak Intelligence." Malar said cautiously.
At this stage Tiso was beginning to have doubts if anyone in the Slovak government was intelligent, but he played along. Keen for any excuse to escape the military briefing he decided to investigate the intelligence services.
As the Tiso, Tuka and Malar trio wait for the man in question to arrive, Tiso asked Malar for some details on these dot dot dot doubts.
"Frankly Mr President we think he is a German spy." Malar said. He started to explain, but hurriedly shut up as the man in question entered the room.
Tiso briefly considered being subtle, but one look at his Head of Intelligence made him decide to go for the direct option.
"So Mr Bernard, you are a German agent sent to spy on the Slovak government." Tiso said.
Hans Bernard considered denying it, but seeing the certainty in their faces realised the game was up.
Hans Not-A-German Bernard, distinguished graduate of the finest Abwher spy schools. The poor man never stood a chance.
"Yes it is true, but how did you know?" He asked.
"Well you've kept your original name, which aside from sounding German is entirely lacking a j, k, v, t or z, making it very suspicious. Plus of course you're still wearing your Nazi uniform and have a badge on saying 'I'm a German spy'" Tiso explained.
"Curses!" Hans exclaimed. "As they said in spy school, it is always the little details that give you away!"
For the first time in days Tiso relaxed, now at least he knew he wasn't the only leader in the Axis suffering from incompetent subordinates.
--
Bonus Facts - Hans Bernard was the OTL German ambassador to Bratislava, until August 1940 at which point he was replaced and moved on to Italy, never to return to Slovakia. Why he is an industrial specialist is almost as big a mystery as why he was the Slovakian intelligence minister at all.
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So let me sum this up.
The army is tiny and probably armed with spears, the air force is lost and the navy presumably consists of ships in bottles. Industry is archaic, while intelligence is run by another country. The country is indefensible, your allies struggling and your enemies overwhelming. Your diplomatic options are non-existent, and your economy is heavily indebted and occasionally sees Nazi locusts descending upon it to clear out anything of any value for their own war effort. Finally your leaders (Tiso and Tuka aside) are morons.
Well this certainly promises great things for the future!
Also, Bernard is an English name as well, which suggests Hans may be a British spy, masquerading as a German spy, masquerading as the Slovakian head of intelligence.
The army is tiny and probably armed with spears, the air force is lost and the navy presumably consists of ships in bottles. Industry is archaic, while intelligence is run by another country. The country is indefensible, your allies struggling and your enemies overwhelming. Your diplomatic options are non-existent, and your economy is heavily indebted and occasionally sees Nazi locusts descending upon it to clear out anything of any value for their own war effort. Finally your leaders (Tiso and Tuka aside) are morons.
Well this certainly promises great things for the future!
Also, Bernard is an English name as well, which suggests Hans may be a British spy, masquerading as a German spy, masquerading as the Slovakian head of intelligence.
This is pure genius.Not that I've seen many AARs, but it definitely is great, you did all of us a favor by bringing this back. Many LOLs have been and will be had. For me, this is like bacon- awesome and there's never too much of it. I agree with Luigiii2, it is probably a good idea to keep him, not that it makes any actual difference out there, but it might just save Tiso and/or Tuka the few mmHg they need in order to avoid getting heart attacks. This being of paramount importance, as not only didn't defibrillators exist at that time(I think), but the subordinates are probably incompetent enough not to know how to provide first aid. We don't want Tiso to die, do we?Pruzinsky would probably go "Well if Tiso dies, the Germans will just put someone else in charge, so why worry?" KUTGW
Beggars (i.e. Slovakia) can't be choosers. I'm getting the distinct impression that the main qualification for any government posting in Slovakia is 'Has a detectable pulse', with the preferred skill being 'Able to maintain air intake without constant reminders'.
Well to be fair, Slovakia is a nation with a population of millions, so I'm finding the sheer level of stupidity within the Government a little suspicious, even by the standards of fascism in 1944. Really T&T should just open the ministry doors, pick up the first peasants they find and order them to run the Slovakian State at gun point. The war effort will improve dramatically.
The dearth of ministers also suggests this 'government' might simply be a carefully constructed German prison for the most dangerously stupid men Slovakia can offer. Meanwhile the Wehrmacht can use Slovakian resources unimpeded. Like the Island in The Prisoner except for morons.
Please amend your post, this information is highly classified and this forum might be taken off the air in Germany and Slovakia because of this post. Thank you.
Nah, the theory is flawed on one point: Why would Tiso and Tuka be there in the first place if it's a loony island?
While they are certainly Kings in the land of the blind, I think their current offices of state are a clear sign they are far from balanced or intelligent human beings.
Either that or they need two competent people in charge of the mad house to prevent the insanity from becoming too obvious to the Slovakian public in state appearances.
I concur. I also think you just showed a fatal flaw in your plan to grab the nearest peasant to run the governent: to formulate such a plan requires an amount of independent thought that might be too much to ask from Tuka or Tiso.
Luigiii2 - Missed that one, but yes Zombie Karl Marx and a Monty cunning plan are Slovakia's best, last and only hope. Sadly neither is available for T&T.
NapoleonComple - I think your suming up is a little cheerful frankly, you missed out that Slovakia will run out of fuel in a week with zero prospect of resupply.
Luigiii2 - Harsh. But as we will see perhaps fair.
StrikerSVK - I think the hip flasks are more important to T&T than their subordinates. Those flasks of joy never let them down, work for the enemy or turn out to be actually Czech violin players masquerading as senior Slovak ministers.
Davout - That was what I was aiming at. Interesting but stupid is clearly where my best writing lies.
Stuyvesant / Luigiii2 - I don't think there are any requirements for a Slovak ministry, I think you get awarded them just for turning up at the right building.
Dr. Gonzo / Gen. Marshall / NapoleonComple / Stuyvesant - I'm assuming that when the Germans liberated Slovakia they carefully removed all the competent people to the Bohemia protectorate, along with all the technology, resources and infrastructure, and then just let T&T try to run what's left as an ongoing joke/situationist art piece on Man's Inhumanity to Man.
And now back to Bratislava!
NapoleonComple - I think your suming up is a little cheerful frankly, you missed out that Slovakia will run out of fuel in a week with zero prospect of resupply.
Luigiii2 - Harsh. But as we will see perhaps fair.
StrikerSVK - I think the hip flasks are more important to T&T than their subordinates. Those flasks of joy never let them down, work for the enemy or turn out to be actually Czech violin players masquerading as senior Slovak ministers.
Davout - That was what I was aiming at. Interesting but stupid is clearly where my best writing lies.
Stuyvesant / Luigiii2 - I don't think there are any requirements for a Slovak ministry, I think you get awarded them just for turning up at the right building.
Dr. Gonzo / Gen. Marshall / NapoleonComple / Stuyvesant - I'm assuming that when the Germans liberated Slovakia they carefully removed all the competent people to the Bohemia protectorate, along with all the technology, resources and infrastructure, and then just let T&T try to run what's left as an ongoing joke/situationist art piece on Man's Inhumanity to Man.
And now back to Bratislava!
25th June 1944
25th June
Leaving the dejected Hans to wonder what might have been had he been trained by someone more competent than the German intelligence services (for example a not very bright and easily distracted kitten) Tiso and Tuka are probing the mysterious world of the Slovak intelligence service.
"What I want to know is, how on earth did no-one notice we had such an obvious German spy." Tiso asked.
"Well I think there are two main reasons." General Malar answered. "One, everyone was very busy dealing with the frantic and vital intelligence war that has been ongoing in Bratislava."
At this statement merely Tiso started worrying Malar's 'Race to Bratislava' mania was worse than he had initially feared. In contrast Tuka just vibrated with rage. Malar continued obliviously.
"Two, we may not have appointed the right man as Minister of Security. To be honest I think he's too compassionate and a bit soft." Malar said, handing over the file on the Minister for Security.
Janko Jesensky; poet, novelist, master of literary critical realism, author of the famous polemic novel 'Democrats', supporter of a free and independent Slovakia and staunch anti-fascist. In many ways the natural choice to be head of counter-intelligence for an autocratic, fascist, puppet dictatorship.
There had been a point at which Tuka would have exploded with rage at such a revelation, however after the string of inexplicable and enraging decisions he found he was suffering from explosion fatigue. Instead he watched Tiso break open the hipflask and started to wonder if he should get one for himself.
--
Bonus Fact - In fairness Janko Jesensky was a Slovak nationalist, but only in the sense he thought an independent Slovakia was a good idea. As an added disqualification he was 69 in 1944 and barely a year away from death. But I suppose in comparison to the many, many other reasons he wouldn't be a good Minister for Security that one barely counts.
Leaving the dejected Hans to wonder what might have been had he been trained by someone more competent than the German intelligence services (for example a not very bright and easily distracted kitten) Tiso and Tuka are probing the mysterious world of the Slovak intelligence service.
"What I want to know is, how on earth did no-one notice we had such an obvious German spy." Tiso asked.
"Well I think there are two main reasons." General Malar answered. "One, everyone was very busy dealing with the frantic and vital intelligence war that has been ongoing in Bratislava."
At this statement merely Tiso started worrying Malar's 'Race to Bratislava' mania was worse than he had initially feared. In contrast Tuka just vibrated with rage. Malar continued obliviously.
"Two, we may not have appointed the right man as Minister of Security. To be honest I think he's too compassionate and a bit soft." Malar said, handing over the file on the Minister for Security.
Janko Jesensky; poet, novelist, master of literary critical realism, author of the famous polemic novel 'Democrats', supporter of a free and independent Slovakia and staunch anti-fascist. In many ways the natural choice to be head of counter-intelligence for an autocratic, fascist, puppet dictatorship.
There had been a point at which Tuka would have exploded with rage at such a revelation, however after the string of inexplicable and enraging decisions he found he was suffering from explosion fatigue. Instead he watched Tiso break open the hipflask and started to wonder if he should get one for himself.
--
Bonus Fact - In fairness Janko Jesensky was a Slovak nationalist, but only in the sense he thought an independent Slovakia was a good idea. As an added disqualification he was 69 in 1944 and barely a year away from death. But I suppose in comparison to the many, many other reasons he wouldn't be a good Minister for Security that one barely counts.
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Take your victories where you can get them guys. In the wrong job Janko may be, but he is also likely the only intelligent minister the Slovakians have.
Which means he's probably boarding a plane out of the country. Or he would be if there were any planes unmissing in Slovakia.
Which means he's probably boarding a plane out of the country. Or he would be if there were any planes unmissing in Slovakia.
Maybe Janko took them.
You on the Deadometer, I'd say you're at "Kiss your shiny a** goodbye"
You on the Deadometer, I'd say you're at "Kiss your shiny a** goodbye"
If he has almost a year left to live, he's certain to outlive the Slovakian 'state' by a large margin.
I like your suggestion of puppet Slovakia as a 'situationist art piece on Man's Inhumanity to Man.' Or perhaps more accurately 'the Universe's Inhumanity to Tiso and Tuka'.
The end of this must be that Tiso and Malar didn't exist because they are missing some ^ ´ ` or '