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Saw what you did there
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Aug 22, 2000
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Welcome to my first AAR after 9 years on the Boards here.

Firstly, a warning. I started writing the prototype of this AAR 4 years ago and developped a firmer version 1 year ago, before being happy that the final version is of sufficient quality to justify being posted here. As you can see, it takes a while for me to do things. This is because I am time poor and a perfectionist (which is not to say that what I do is perfect, only that spend too much time trying to make it so).

So don't expect frequent updates.

Just sayin'.

Now as I am a lawyer IRL, please note the following:


A Self Referential Post Modern Alternate AAR​

This AAR is rated M.

It contains:

· Occasional coarse language
· Violence
· Sexual references
· Indie music

The AAR should be read by a mature audience only.

Warning: Any actual names or likenesses of persons (historical, actual or fictional) are used in a fictitious and parodic manner for personal amusement, and not for profit or gain of the author. Fair Use is claimed for the purposes of the US Copyright Act.

Any resemblance to actual gameplay of Europa Universalis 3 is purely accidental.

E & OE

Enjoy! (hopefully)
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Table of Contents

Episode 1 "1.21 Gigawatts" can be found here, here and here.

Episode 2 "Love(craft) Day" can be found here, here and here.

Episode 3 "By Any Other Name" can be found here, here and here.
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[SCENE: Black screen with some familiar medieval music in background]

Unseen Male Voice Over (with sound of scratching): I have read many stories here over the years but I never thought it would happen to me. Flux’s blonde tresses rested lightly on her swelling brea_____

[**Thwack sound** off screen]

Unseen FEMALE Voice Over: What the hell is this?
MALE: I just thought, you know, after everything, I should write it all down to record things. Whilst it was still fresh.
FEMALE: Record what?
MALE: You know, the last couple of days. It’s history. At least, it will be, one day.
FEMALE: Looks more like a Forum letter. And I’m not blonde – its Clairol Nice n Easy 103B.
MALE: What?
FEMALE: My hair. If you are going to blab this to the world, get the details right. And they’re A cups. A cups don’t swell.
MALE: What?
FEMALE: Oh, just give me the goram feather!!! Now!!!
FEMALE Voice Over (with sounds of scratching): A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that the balances are correct…
[sotto voce MALE Voice in the background: You are such a nerd.]


Episode 1
“1.21 Gigawatts”

[Opening credits:

You don’t need money, don’t take fame
Don’t need no credit card to ride this train
It’s strong and its sudden and it’s cruel sometimes
But it might just save your life]​

Athens, Georgia
May 30, 2009

[A petite blonde (FLUX), in her mid 20’s, wearing a white tank top, jeans and FMB’s, walks through her apartment. The brick walls have interspersed Ikea style book shelves and framed movie/band/comic book posters. The girl walks from the bedroom to the kitchen, drinks a glass of juice before closing an open laptop on a table. She throws the laptop into a tot bag which she deftly slings over a shoulder before putting in earphones.]

[Change scene to FLUX walking along path at university campus. A tall, dark haired, somewhat thick set man in his early 30’s (NICK) wearing a hipster t shirt and jeans runs up to FLUX.]
NICK (slightly out of breath): Nice boots. What are you up to?
FLUX (curtly): Thanks. Work. Again.
NICK: Honey, you don’t work. You study pre-Colombian Mesa-American culture and post modern science fiction in contemporary society.
FLUX: Says the man on what, your fourth degree?
NICK: I’m a polymath. A renaissance man. A lover of…
FLUX: Bullshit.
NICK (with a grin): Exactly.

[Scene: FLUX and NICK enter a lab. FLUX begins setting up her laptop]

NICK: Since when did linguistics studies involve Bunsen burners?
FLUX: Since Professor Armitage got a bug up his butt after we came back from excavating that Mayan temple last month. He’s desperate for me to interpret the characters on this.
[FLUX opens a wall safe and removes a large, black box. She opens the box which gives off a brilliant glow when opened.]
NICK: For the love of all that is Samuel L Jackson - is that gold!?! But what is the black stuff?
[FLUX puts on latex gloves and picks up a disc made up of black and gold squares which she lays on a benchtop.]
FLUX: Yes and obsidian.
NICK: Opposite of Deon?
FLUX: Have you never heard of Obsidian?
NICK: Oh yeah, of course. I liked their early stuff but their last album just lost me.
FLUX (turning her back and ignoring NICK): Its like glass formed in a volcano. Anyway, its pretty fascinating stuff. MRI scans and nuclear telescope can’t penetrate the surface and the chemists say the gold and obsidian are bonded at a subnuclear level.
NICK (looking closely): My God, its full of stars.
FLUX (urgently): Stop! Don’t touch it! We still don’t know what it does.
NICK: Doesn’t look like it is doing much.
FLUX: You two obviously have a lot in common.
NICK: Anyway, you are here because..? What? You’re going to sass it into submission?
FLUX: Honey, when I do submission, there is no sass involved. (pointing with a gloved hand at the disc on a work bench) See these marks – Mayan script. But it doesn’t read like anything I’ve ever seen before. The whole thing is gibberish. See here, these two symbols…
NICK: Like 2 pine trees.
FLUX (uncertain tone to her voice): Yeah, I guess… And here, the number 239. Next to the symbol for a dog or coyote…
NICK (excitedly): Or fox.
FLUX (getting more worried): Huh, what, I mean, I guess, but yeah, what does that mean? 239 foxes?
NICK (slowly and with conviction): I know this one.
FLUX: What?
NICK: That. See here - a map of North Africa. See here’s the top with Algeria and Tunis then the dip and star over Libya. And the script underneath the star definitely looks Arabic.
NICK(Off a look from FLUX): What? I dated an Egyptian girl once. Sweetest delta I ever saw…[*THWACK* from FLUX over the back of NICK’s head]
NICK: My God, I know what the disc means.
FLUX: You do – what?
NICK: It means the Mayans either had an unnatural fetish for Michael J Fox movies, or…….. its a fake. I wonder what is Mayan for De Lorean.
FLUX (somewhat deflated and heading over to a bench): But why carve such an elaborate hoax? And bury it under an archway in an abandoned temple in the middle of Guatamala?
NICK (Off camera whilst the camera shows a shot of FLUX from behind as she bends over to pull something out of a cupboard): Man, that is so hot.
FLUX (standing up and smiling): Why thank you, sugar. I think the boots really make..
NICK (moving his fingers over the disc): Not you, dofuss, the disc. See, you can move the squares with your finger.
FLUX: No you can’t.
NICK: Yeah, see. [NICK moves some of the gold and black squares] When I move the symbols, the disc gets..
FLUX (worried): No, I mean you can't touch it! The professor will kill me! What are you doing?
NICK (distracted): Don’t worry, babe. What could go wrong.
[As NICK moves his fingers over the top of the disc, a humming sound builds up and the disc glows brighter. There is a blinding flash just as FLUX grabs at the disc. FLUX falls suddenly on her face onto grass. NICK looks up and sees that they are standing in a field on the side of a hill. A line of mostly red clad medieval longbowmen stand at the top of the hill whilst a larger mass of mostly blue clad medieval men at arms stand at the bottom of the hill.]

(Simultaneously) NICK & FLUX: Frack!

Advertisement break​
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For Release this Fall

A Clear Lotus Production

What is your name?
My name is James Tiberius Kirk!
No its not!
Shut up! He doesn’t know that.

(Dramatic strings start)

You can settle for a less than ordinary life,but felt you always felt you were meant for something better, something special. Enlist in the Royal Navy.

You have always been a child of 2 timelines and fully capable of deciding your own destiny. The question you face is which path will you choose.

(More dramatic strings)

I will not allow you to lecture me on fear!

Europe is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and fancy pants!

We have no king and no general for our army!
Yeah we do.

Buckle up!

The wait is over.

INDIES ’09 is here

The story continues tomorrow.
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Mmm, interesting... I'll try to see whether I'm capable of following this... ;):D
Wow a mystical stone with magical powers! I wonder into which culture our protagonists have been thrown.
- does the I am not worthy bow - Oh boy , you have no idea how stoked I am about this AAR . This look definitely fun XD Can't wait ! Great opener , old bean XD
Murmurandus & The Swert: Thanks for your support. Any suggestions or tips would be greatly appreciated.

canonized: You honour me with your presence. I can only aspire to become a Salieri to your Mozart in the world of AAR's. Also please remind me to write an article for you this month on this rather unique experience.

And now, hopefully with a minimum of adieu, the next part of the pilot episode.
1.21 Gigawatts (cont'd)​

RED COMMANDER (Lord TALBOT) (shouting commands): ARCHERS, KNOCK.
BLUE COMMANDER (Lord de la Boeuf aka BIFF) (shouting commands): POUR ST DENIS.
NICK (pointing uphill): There! Quick! Run up there!
FLUX: Why not down there with the smurfs. There are more of them.
NICK: Because in 20 seconds there is about to be a whole lot fewer smurfs and we need to put as much space between them and us if we don’t want to be turned into pincushions.
NICK: Run!
[NICK and FLUX start running as the blue mass roar and start charging up the hill after them]

[Whir of arrows overhead as they are fired from the red line. NICK and FLUX instinctively drop to the ground. There are various thwacks and groans as the arrows strike the charging blue mass but it continues up the hill. NICK and FLUX get up and continue running]


[Voice drowned out by various shouts and screams into indiscriminate yelling. Arrows are fired again. Just before NICK and FLUX reach the red line, it charges down the hill at them and clashes with the blue mass just where NICK and FLUX are standing. There is a general melee around them.]


[NICK flips an advancing blue coat over his shoulder and seizes his sword. NICK then starts swinging the sword indiscriminately at whoever comes near. A large blue coat closes on FLUX, and lunges with a halberd. FLUX deftly steps to the side out of the way, and throws the attacker onto his back using a martial arts move. FLUX smiles in a self satisfied manner until BIFF, wearing a large blue coat with red bull on the chest, hits her over the back of the head with his shield and knocks her out. Cut to black screen]

[Head shot of FLUX, tossled haired in a bed with sheets pulled up. She is murmuring incoherently, then raises her hand to her head]

FLUX: Hungover and [looks down under sheet] naked in a strange bed. Good, everything’s back to normal.
MALE voice off screen which sounds like NICK with a French accent: How are you feeling?
FLUX [eyes closed]: Oh, its you. Hey there, sugar. Thanks for getting me home. I didn’t happen to drink a bottle of Absinthe last night, did I, because I had the strangest dream. I had this weird idea that we had gone back 500 years. We were in a field in the middle of a Ren Faire mosh pit hacking and slashing with these the paladin wannabes. Guh, I miss the green fairy, she was way cuter. And not as violent.
MALE [off screen]: Well, you are safe now, Victoria. There are no pits or fairies and you are safe in the camp of the Marechal of France.

[FLUX shoots up in bed as the MALE speaks. We see that FLUX is lying in a fur covered bed in a medieval field tent, and the MALE comes from around a curtain. The MALE looks exactly like NICK except for a goatee and moustache, and blue livery with 3 birds on a red line and yellow shield on his chest.]

FLUX: Okay. I am either still dreaming, and my subconscious thinks Nick looks hot as Evil Spock with a French accent.
FLUX: You’re not Nick, we’re still in Oz and I think I have an unsettling crush on the tin man.
JEAN: I have not heard of this Oz but I can assure you that we are still in La Colline de la Vallee. And we have no tin men here. But where are my manners, My name is Jean, Mlle Victoria, Jean de Lorean. At your service.
FLUX(puts her head in her hands in disbelief): Oh God, of course you are.
JEAN: You must still be dazed from the blow to your head. (JEAN looks through FLUX’s hair and is surprised) I do not understand! Where is the wound? I was surprised you were even alive with such a cut. How could it have healed so fast!? When I saw Biff, I mean Lord de la Boeuf stripping your body on the field, you looked as good as dead, but now…
FLUX: Stripping?
JEAN: The less unchivalrous amongst us augment their income by the unsavoury practice of stripping the dead for valuables.
JEAN: Right here. They were what attracted him in the first place. I apologise, Victoria. We did not realise your, er, womanhood until we cut off your rather tight fitting hosery.
FLUX: There you go again. Why do you keep calling me Victoria?
JEAN: Is it not your name? It says so, right here on your …? (holds up a lace g string) what exactly is this?
FLUX (snatching the article): My business.
JEAN: And what is your business, Mlle Secrets? How did you come to France?
FLUX: I don’t know. We were at the university..
JEAN: Ah, so you are a student. Where is this university?
FLUX: In Athens, Georgia.
JEAN: Athens. So you are a Greek, yes?
FLUX: Pledged Sigma Gamma.

[Cut to scene inside larger tent with ornate trimmings. 2 guards at the tent entrance, Regular sound of cannon in the background. The French Commander, Jean de XAINTRAILLES stands at a campaign table reading a report whilst the large man with the bull coat of arms, Comte Tannen de la Boeuf, aka BIFF, and JEAN wait nearby. The conversation is in French with English subtitles.]

XAINTRAILLES (in a somewhat exasperated voice): This report is most confusing, Captain de Lorean. How did a female Greek student called Secrets come to be standing in a battlefield in the middle of France?
JEAN: I know not, my Lord. I only know that she spokes honestly.
BIFF: I say she must be an English spy.
XAINTRAILLES: Not even an English spy would be so inept as to expose themselves unarmed in the middle of 2 armies. Although she obviously has some military experience since she bested your sergeant until you bravely struck her from behind, my Lord.
JEAN: Perhaps she fled the fall of Constantinople. I heard a Genovese captain, Giovanni Giustiniani, fought most nobly there.
BIFF: I heard he was a coward.
XAINTRAILLES: Enough. Do we really care about such matters?!? She is obviously not a peasant. She dresses too well (holding up the boots in one hand). And too… strangely (holding up a bra at the end of a dagger in the other hand)… to be a noblewoman. Even for a Greek. Probably a merchant’s daughter. Still worthy of a ransom I would think. Lord de la Boeuf, you will take a regiment of men at arms and escort our student guest to Poitiers where you will hand her over to the Intendant.
BIFF: I protest. My post is at the front, valiantly leading the charge, as a true French noble. It is beneath me to be a prison guard.
XAINTRAILLES: Your post is where I say it is. Besides, I cannot afford any more of your “valiant charges”. You lose 24 men to 8 of theirs every round. I need someone with more brains and less brawn. Captain de Lorean, you shall take your mercenary gendarmes and the Bretons to pursue the English army whilst I finish the siege here at Bourdeaux. Be warned, Captain, I want the English taken alive. They have powerful friends who have promised to pay me well to see them safely back to home. But first they must be stopped from making their own way there.
JEAN: Yes, my Lord.
BIFF: This is outrageous. You send me off to be nursemaid to a schoolgirl and allow a foreigner to collect the glory and the rich ransoms for catching the trapped English. Is there no end to your insults?
XAINTRAILLES: No, of course not. Once you arrive at Poitiers, you will collect the pay for Captain de Lorean’s men which you will duly take to them in the Vendee. Now you are a clerk and a nursemaid. (Turning to JEAN) Captain, you may discharge your regiments once the English are caught as I will not have any further need for your services once the English are dealt with. Gather your men to march tomorrow. Dismissed, gentlemen.

[SCENE: BIFF and his sergeant are walking away from the Commander’s tent.]

BIFF: That upstart forgets himself. His family were little better than peasants when the de la Boeufs marched with the Crusader Kings. Sergeant, have the regiment ready to march tomorrow morning. Pick only those who will follow me, not the marechal. Pass the word amongst the men that there will be extra pay for those who are loyal when the time comes. Tell them to be ready to strike when I give the word.

[SCENE: JEAN De Lorean’s tent]

FLUX: Ransoms? What is this? The Dark Ages?!?
JEAN: I assure you that it is quite the custom here in the West. I do not know what they do in Athens but in France, any person of worth must expect to pay for their freedom.
FLUX: How am I supposed to pay a ransom when I don’t have any money on me. (FLUX rummages through her purse) Ticket to Man Man concert, $25, receipt from dinner $50. Being ransomed in medieval France?(FLUX holds up a credit card hopefully only to receive a quizzical look from JEAN) Priceless.
JEAN: Perhaps your noble friend will come to your aid. I could arrange for a message to be passed to the English…
FLUX: Nick won’t even cough up for his share of the pizza. What happens if I don’t pay?
JEAN: Then for God’s sake, don’t let Comte de la Boeuf know. Lord Biftek may be stupid but he is no fool. If he thinks there is no reward in keeping you alive, he will cut his losses. So to speak.
FLUX (looking up coquettishly): Now honey, surely you wouldn’t want anything nasty to happen to little me, would ya?
JEAN: As much as I would like to help, my band and I have not been paid for the last 2 months. We will be penniless until the pay chests arrive from Poitiers. Even then, I would not have enough to satisfy the avarice of the Comte.
FLUX (turning her coquettishness into overdrive): You could always let me escape.
JEAN: I am sorry, but honour forbids me from betraying my employer. I must carry out the marechal’s orders. I will do my best to capture the English and get to Poitiers as quickly as I can. I may be able to convince the Intendant to deliver you to me as the spoils of war. Until then, act wealthy.

[SCENE: A ditch in a glade. A man in his 50’s with a bloodied cloak around him as a sheet lies on his back groaning softly. As he rolls over, we see that it is the english Commander, TALBOT. NICK arrives with a bundle wrapped in a white linen. NICK lays the bundle beside him and begins to cut the uniform away from a wound to the man’s left shoulder. NICK sprinkles something over the wound before turning to a mixing bowl. As NICK works, the man slowly wakes]

TALBOT: You have returned. Yet again you surprise me with your determination to keep me alive despite my best efforts to achieve the contrary result. I thought that I would certainly wake in Heaven this time. (looks at NICK at work) What are you doing?
NICK: Your wound is infected. I needed to get some supplies to fight the infection and get you back on your feet. I can’t carry you forever, can I?
TALBOT: Considering how far you carried me these last 2 days, I would expect you could carry me to Hell and back. What are you mixing there?
NICK: Milk, honey and bread.
TALBOT: I am not hungry.
NICK (focussing on the bowl): This is not for eating. After the maggots I put on your wound (TALBOT looks down in alarm at his shoulder) have eaten the necrotic skin, I am going to cover it with some honey as an antiseptic and put on a milk and bread poultice to draw out the infection.
TALBOT: You are a physician? Under whom did learn such things?
NICK: Um, Dr Leonard McCoy.
TALBOT: A Scot? Hmm, yes, I hear they make very good surgeons. But you are not a Scot. And you are not just a doctor from the way you handled a blade in that battle.
NICK: You don’t get to a level 20 Paladin without learning a few moves.
TALBOT: Why did you rescue me back there? It would have been easier to run and save yourself.
NICK: It was not your time to die. Yet.
TALBOT: I am as good as dead for God has forsaken me. All my honour, my joy, my hopes died on that field when I saw my beloved son, John, cut down coming to my aid. It would have been kinder to me if you had allowed that peasant who struck me to finish his job. (a bemused look from NICK) With no heir and the chance to die gloriously in battle gone, I might as well just die in this ditch. There is no future for me.
NICK (busying himself with the poultice on TALBOT's shoulder): There is nothing glorious about dying, in battle. Or elsewhere. And like I said, it is not your time to die. Yet.
TALBOT: Who are you, number 41?
NICK (looks down at his own chest): Oh, the t shirt. Right, yes. Um, given what’s happened so far I’m thinking I will go with Brown, Dr Emmett Brown.
TALBOT: And tell me, Dr Brown, where did you get these “supplies”.
NICK: There is a farmhouse nearby. I “persuaded” the farm maid to give me the produce.
TALBOT: My God, man. I hope you were not so unchivalrous as to handle the poor girl roughly.
NICK: Only when she asked me to. Anyway, I traded them. For services. Three times. Man, that girl was insatiable…
[Sound of raised voices nearby, coming closer]
TALBOT: Quickly, Brown, kill me and tell them you caught me trying to escape. I could not endure captivity again and the French will reward you for my bones.
NICK: No, it is not you time to die.

[NICK grabs a sword lying nearby and takes guard. Two soldiers in red suddenly appear in the ditch. NICK goes to raise the sword, when TALBOT stays his arm. One of the soldiers rushes to TALBOT]

FIRST SOLDIER (HUGH): My Lord Talbot!!! You’re alive!
HUGH: Yes, my milord. We gave you up for dead in the battle days ago.
TALBOT: As well I might have been but for my friend here. (gestures to NICK) But tell me, Master Lewis, what is the news? The army?
HUGH: The army is mostly intact. We took a few losses in that last battle…
TALBOT (quietly): Yes, Hugh, I saw John struck down.
HUGH: Most of the lads are still here and ready to follow you, my Lord. Where are we to go? Back to Gascony?
TALBOT: No, I see the folly of that venture now. There will be no glory in our deaths from such a futile gesture. No, we move to Quiberon Bay, to the North.
HUGH: To attack Brittany, my Lord?
TALBOT: To attack no-one and hopefully not be attacked. With God’s grace, we will find deliverance waiting for us. Come, lead us to the men.

Advertisement break​
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Oohhh , the references make me curl my toes . You are a writer after my own heart , Davout XD . Not to mention the hilarity of pretending to be taught by Dr. McCoy just made me fall out of my seat .

This is both hilarious but seriously entertaining at the same time .

Oh and enough fanservice to satisfy everyone ! Sabisu Sabisu !

You have no idea how much I'm loving this AAR XD
...my subconscious thinks Nick looks hot as Evil Spock with a French accent.... My name is Jean, Mlle Victoria, Jean de Lorean.... It says so, right here on your …? (holds up a lace g string)

:rofl: Nothing to add to what canonized has already said. Looking forward to the next episode :D
Canonized: I'm very good at magpieing ideas. The problem I'm having is trying to find a balance between the obscure references and ensuring the plot keeps rolling along.

Khelbenn: Hi. Always nice to meet a new face.

Aldriq: Thanks for dropping round. I aim to please.

Next update should be on Saturday, hopefully.

Windex makes it shine​
1.21 Gigawatts (cont'd)

[SCENE: French Camp]

BIFF (in French): Sergeant, prepare the men to move out.
(JEAN approaches FLUX)
JEAN: Here, take this. (hands over sealed envelope) If you get into any trouble in Poitiers, show this to the intendant. It a pledge of my honour and estates as surety for your release and safe conduct from France. It carries no real value as I have no estates to pledge but it may buy you some time until I arrive and who knows what the fortunes of war may grant me. Goodbye, Victoria. I hope we will meet again soon.
(FLUX goes to kiss JEAN who recoils in surprise. When he realises what she was doing, he moves to kiss her but FLUX has already turned to leave)
XAINTRAILLES (in French): Lord de La Boeuf, you would surely not be so unchivalrous as to ride whilst the lady has to walk.
BIFF: I see no lady, milord.
XAINTRAILLES (angrily): And I see no Lord. Sergeant, relieve Lord…

(BIFF dismounts and gestures to FLUX to take his mount. The column moves out with FLUX on horseback looking over her shoulder at JEAN)

(As soon as the column passes through the camp gates, BIFF lifts FLUX out of the saddle and mounts the horse.)

[Montage of the column marching. SCENE Late afternoon on the road.]

FLUX (walking beside BIFF's horse, addresses BIFF in English): Um excuse me. We need to stop. I need to go to the bathroom.

(BIFF looks confused, as he does not understand what she is saying)
FLUX (slowly and loudly): The BATHROOM
(in Spanish) The bathroom.
(in German and a growing tinge of desperation to her voice) The bathroom!

(FLUX mimes putting down the seat, dropping her pants and sitting down. Further confused look by BIFF)

(in English in utter frustration and desperation) Goddammit, I need to take a piss!!!
BIFF: Ah, la pissotiere. (to the troops) Arretez!
(BIFF gestures to FLUX towards a nearby grove)
Vite, vite.

(FLUX heads off to the woods. She pretends to be readying herself as she moves behind some trees. After some time, she begins to move slowly away when a large hand seizes her from behind.)
BIFF: And where were you off to, Mlle Spy.
FLUX: You speak English? You speak English! Why the hell did I have to do charades back there if you speak English.
BIFF: I am not as gullible as you think eh, Mlle? Certainly not gullible enough to think you are a merchant’s daughter or that there will be any ransom.
FLUX: But Jean has pledged to pay for the ransom. See, there is gold.
BIFF: That mercenary has no gold. In fact he will have even less once I take the paychest as recompense for this humiliating diversion.
FLUX: They’re hardly going to fight for nothing.
BIFF: I don’t expect them to fight. On the contrary, I plan to make sure that they don’t. I will take great pleasure in disposing of De Lorean and his sell swords. But these things won’t bother you. I think this particular charade has gone on long enough.
(BIFF goes to pull out his dagger)

FLUX: Wait, there’s no need to kill me.
BIFF: Oh , I wasn’t going to kill you. Yet. I had something more pleasurable in mind first. Well, at least, I will find it pleasurable.

(BIFF moves in and starts manhandling FLUX who fights back )

JEAN’s voice off screen: Hey you! Take your damn hands off her.

(JEAN puts a hand on BIFF’s shoulder)

BIFF: De Lorean! Turn around and walk away or I will hang your sorry hide as a traitor to the Crown.

(Confused look on JEAN’s face)

FLUX: Jean, please help me.

(JEAN turns and slowly steps away)

FLUX: Jean. Help!

(Close up of BIFF laughing evilly as he turns back to FLUX)

JEAN (off screen): No, you leave her alone.

(BIFF turns back just as JEAN lands a punch on his chin and knocks BIFF out)

FLUX: Thanks, sugar.

(They look deeply into each other’s eyes before coyly looking away)

JEAN: Victoria, have you ever been in a situation where you know you are supposed to act in a certain way but when you get to it, you don’t know if you can go through with it?
FLUX (biting her lip): Uh huh. You mean the situation where a lady expresses her gratitude for a hero saving her from an attack on her, um, virtue.
JEAN: Yes, precisely. What do you do in those situations?
FLUX: Well, normally I’d have drunk half a bottle of Wild Turkey first, but in the circumstances (her voice hesitates a little) I guess well have to settle for this…

(FLUX kisses JEAN passionately. JEAN is initially shocked but does not withdraw this time. Suddenly FLUX stops and they look at each other in a confused manner)

JEAN: I do not know what it is but something does not feel right. That felt like I was kissing my sister. I do not understand it but it just felt wrong. I suppose that does not make any sense.
FLUX: No, it makes perfect sense. But I had to at least find out. So where to now.
JEAN: We will go to my men. We should have a head start by the time he wakes up. I can take you at least part of the way to your English friends.
FLUX: And the rest of the way?
JEAN: Will have to be by yourself. It is no longer safe for me to remain in France and I must get my men back to safety within the Empire before Lord de La Boeuf can catch and silence us to conceal his treachery. Of course, I will have to find another war to fight in but fortunately there is no shortage of those.

(Concerned look from FLUX)

Do not worry, ma cherie. We will meet again. And you still have my pledge if you ever need my help.
(Fade to black)

[SCENE: Behind abatis and sharpened wooden stakes, NICK, HUGH and some of the English soldiers stand in group near TALBOT who is looking out over a beach towards the sea behind them. Other men are clearing debris and the wounded away and repositioning stakes in preparation. The sound of seagulls can be heard in the background.]

HUGH: We took few losses in that last assault. We should be able to hold them off for at east another week.
SECOND SOLDIER (John Benjamin Goode): If our sword arms don’t fall off first. That was the fifth day in a row that they have charged our lines. The men grow wearier with each attack.
THIRD SOLDIER (Marvin Berry): We can’t keep sitting here waiting for them to charge every morning until we are finally overrun.
HUGH: We stand as long as he tells us to.
JOHN B GOODE: The loss of his son has struck his Lordship hard. He is so quiet and loath to do anything except sit here. He is not his old self. He almost seems to under an enchantment since then.
MARVIN BERRY: Aye, an enchantment by something on the sea it seems given the amount of time he spends staring out at it.
JOHN B GOODE: Or under the sea, which is where we will be soon enough unless something is done before our next dance with the French.

(NICK goes over to TALBOT)

NICK: I think now might be a good time for a rousing speech.
(TALBOT continues looking out to sea quietly) You know, we bands of brothers, we happy few.

(TALBOT is still quiet) You already heard that one I guess. How about greasing our tank treads with their guts?
(Strange look from TALBOT) A bit ahead of the times, huh?!?
I know… (NICK starts singing, unfotunately not as in tune as he is strident)

Men of Talbot stop your dreaming
Can't you see their spear points gleaming
See their warrior's pendants streaming
To this battle field.
Men of Talbot stand ye steady
It cannot be ever said ye
For the battle were not ready
Stand and never yield.
Through the hills surrounding
Let this war cry sounding
Summon all to Talbot’s call
The mighty force surrounding.
Men of Talbot onto glory
This shall ever be your story
Keep this fighting words before ye
Talbot will not yield.

NICK (off bemused looks from TALBOT and the soldiers): I went out with a Welsh girl once. You don’t know her. She had the tightest Pontypool…
HUGH (in alarm): My Lord, the French herald and their commander approach.
TALBOT: Form up the men.

(SCENE: No man’s land between the battle lines. TALBOT, HUGH and NICK stand waiting for the approaching French party. BIFF, the HERALD and two French soldiers dismount and approach)

HUGH (noticing the coat of arms of the approaching French, quietly says to TALBOT): My Lord, the Red Bull. (TALBOT stiffens)
(BIFF nods to TALBOT and looks suspiciously at NICK)
TALBOT: My Lord Commander, to what do we owe this unexpected visit?
BIFF: I have come to give notice that in a few minutes, I will be launching my final attack on your lines.
TALBOT: Final, you say. I suggest you save your men the sweat and blood for the result will be no different to the last five attacks we turned back. My men have proved more than a match for your tired troops.
BIFF: Oh, those weren’t my soldiers. I was just using up the Bretons so we wouldn’t have as many to fight when we invade them after we wipe you out. Terribly obliging of you to kill them off for me. It should make the conquest of that renegade duke a cakewalk. No, my men are the fresh troops standing over there. Against your exhausted archers. (looking at NICK) We will cut them down to the last man. All except you, my Lord Talbot.
TALBOT: Is this where you invite me to surrender to save my men’s lives?
BIFF: No. Not at all. Their lives are worthless to me. I have however, been offered good money to ensure your death, my Lord. Good English money. Which leads me to believe that you have friends who may wish the opportunity to pay me more English money to prevent that unhappy outcome, or at least encourage your enemies at home to pay more to guarantee the result. Whoever pays the most, gets your head. Whether it is still attached to your trunk will depend on who pays first.
TALBOT (scornfully): Why are you wasting my time with this boastfulness? You offer no terms for my men and little better for me. You waste my time. I will hazard the result in battle.
BIFF: Oh I am fully aware of that. Which is why I took the time to engage you here whilst my crossbowmen worked their way around that forest on the left. They should be in position to flank your men by now.
TALBOT: But you are under a flag of truce. All soldiers are to stay in their lines until the parley is concluded. This is an outrageous breach of honour. Master Herald, will you not call this brigand to honour the truce.
BIFF: Master Herald has been informed by me that should he open his mouth, his body will be found upon the field of battle. Stripped naked except for an English arrow which will be lodged in his chest.
TALBOT: We would never fire on a Herald.
BIFF: But I would. Which is my point.

(NICK steps forth with a drawn blade)

NICK: Fiend! I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor. The dark fire will not avail you, Flame of Udun! Go back to the shadow. YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

(Everyone stares blankly at NICK in disbelief)
Sorry, I always wanted to say that.

(THWACK!!! Suddenly one of the French guards goes down in a heap. Everyone turns towards the noise, only to see FLUX hit the second guard over the head with a thick branch.)

FLUX: Hey there, honey. Sorry I’m late catchin’ up.

(Everyone now stares blankly at FLUX)

(BOOM!!! Everyone now turns around and stares out to sea where English ships are forming up in the Bay. There is a sudden crash in the forest where cannonballs land amongst the trees. French crossbowmen quickly come fleeing out of the woods.)

FLUX (to BIFF): Now, we both know who has the bigger balls, don’t we, sugar?!
TALBOT: I think we are done here, Master Herald. You may leave.
FLUX: Not quite yet. (punches BIFF on the jaw, dropping him to his knees with a groggy expression) That’s for the stupid mime show! (gives BIFF a swift kick to the groin. BIFF writhes on the ground in agony.) And that’s for grabbing me in the bush! (All the men wince in sympathy) Bastard!!! (FLUX happily) Okay, good to go now.

(TALBOT, HUGH and the FRENCH HERALD stare at FLUX in fear whilst covering their codpieces with their hands)


(NICK prepares for another rendition of “Men of Talbot” as the FRENCH HERALD and LORD TALBOT steel themselves in expectation)

[SCENE: TALBOT, NICK and FLUX climb up the side of a ship from a longboat. They meet the English Admiral as the English troops on the beach in the background are loading onto other longboats.]

TALBOT: Dr Brown, and Miss McFly, let me introduce you to our saviour, the Lord of the Cinque Ports and Most High Admiral of the Royal Barques of England and France, my brother. Richard Talbot.
RICHARD TALBOT: Well met, John. But where is young…
TALBOT: Killed in Gascony, two weeks ago.
RICHARD TALBOT: I am sorry, brother. I came as quickly as I could. The Lord Protector forbade the fleet from sailing to your aid. Fortunately, Lord York created a pretext for me by requesting a supply convoy be sent to Dublin. Then a judicious turn to the left instead of the right and…
TALBOT: York is in Ireland now?
RICHARD TALBOT: Much has changed since you left England, brother. The people and the lords have had enough of Somerset’s incompetence. York was sent to Ireland to remove him from the picture. But even now, half of my fleet is loading the Army of Ireland on transports bound for Dover. The wait is over.
TALBOT: It is good that you have rescued as much of the army here that you did for I see we will have a greater need for them at home. But tell me, how did you reach the forest with your guns for I have never seen cannon fire so far before?
RICHARD TALBOT: I have been doing some 5 star research down at the Ports to improve the fleet. In fact, we hope to reach a new level of naval technology by 14 August 1467.
TALBOT: Amazing. And how did you know to fire on the French hidden in the woods? You were surely too far away to see them.
RICHARD TALBOT: Oh, we weren’t aiming at the woods. We were trying to hit the small party of cavalry in the middle of the field.
(off look from TALBOT, NICK and FLUX) We still have some work to do on the accuracy. As I said, we won’t be at the new level until August 1467.

[SCENE: A medieval hall, post prandial, deserted except for NICK and FLUX sitting at the main bench, food scraps, plates and goblets scattered around them. Ministrels in another room play in the background]

FLUX (putting down quill): So no Mark Twain, okay?
NICK: Flux, I think I can safely say that there is little chance of us catching a Mississippi riverboat in 15th Century England.
FLUX: No, dumbass. As in no Connecticut Yankees in the Court of King Arthur. No anachronisms, no bending the timeline. We need to be as inconspicuous as possible until we can get hold of that disc again and work out how to get back to our time. Otherwise, there may not be an “our time” to get back to.
NICK: Well, given what has happened so far, we clearly aren’t going to fade away if we change a few things here and there.
FLUX: I’d rather not take the risk, sugar. (suddenly having a thought) Oh, and don’t grow a moustache.
NICK: Huh?!?
FLUX (squirming guiltily in her chair): Or a goatee. (off quizzical look from NICK) In fact, just say no to any facial hair, alright?!
NICK (worried): And changing the subject as quickly as possible, what do you think of the music. Pretty catchy, huh?
FLUX: It’s not exactly Freedom ‘90 but its good. A bit like if Sigur Ros can from Castile. (they listen to the music for a while) God, we need to get that disc. But where in the hell of all France could it be by now?

[Fade out to black with music playing in the background:

Falalalan, falalalera,
De la guerda riera

Quando yo me uengo
De guardar ganado
Todos me lo dizen
Pedro el desposado.
A la he, si soy,
Con la hija de nostramo,
Questa sortiguela
Ella me la diera.

Falalalan, falalalera,
De la guerda riera]​

[Picture returns to the screen, with an image of a mailed hand placing FLUX’s disc, now hanging from a chain, underneath an opened surcoat. As the surcoat is closed to conceal the disc, we see the image of a red bull on the front. The music picks up again as the screen fades to black for the final time.]

[Alla rriba, rriba
En ual de roncales,
Tengo yo mi esca
Y mis pedernales
Y mi curroncito
De cieruos cieruales,
Hago yo mi lumbre
Sientome doquiera.

Falalalan, falalalera,
De la guerda riera]

Closing Credits

A Clear Lotus Production
Copyright MMIX

“Come see me again some time, darlin”
I can safely say that this is a one of a kind AAR and you definitely won me over by the "Sigur Ros came from Castille" comment.

Oh and Falalalan is pure win :D
Wow that was totally amazing ! XD another quality update . Now that our heroes together it's time to see what's the deal here XD
Ok, you mentioned Falalan, this AAR has been lifted to the halls of eternal fame and coolness...:D
Milites: Good to see another Sigur Ros fan out there. Thanks for the support.
Aldriq: Madrigals can be something of an acquired taste. My wife used to think I was watching cat mutilations when I first played EU whilst she watched TV in the other room. She took some convincing that it was meant to sound like that.
Canonized: Yes, now is the difficult part. I generaly know where I want the plot to go to up to 1510, and a vaguer idea up to the 1550's. The problem I have is finding the time to write the dialogue which contains enough obscure references but still moves the story along. I hope to have the next episode written within the week.
Murmurandus: I found Falalaran is a bit of a generational thing around here. I miss the great mix tapes of classical music which Johan and Co used to put together for their games before EUIII. The young kids don't know what they are missing out on.