From the desk of the Imperial Chancellor:
Wait a second. I work my ass off destroying the enemies of Germany and I get nothing?! I shall have my revenge! By the way, how are my test results? Illusive shadow, I presume?
To His Grace, Duke Gabriel D'Oraz,
The Emperor recognises and respects your loyal service to the crown. However, he believes that (a) you have quite enough land already and (b) he trusts you about as far as he can throw you, and doesn't want to empower you any further.
Aw right Jamesy boy?
How's it goin' boss? Sounds like yet huvin' a load a trouble wi' that baw bag Shaun. I widnae bother gein' him anither pardon, an' that, 'cos if ye ask me the guy's a pure walloper!
Nice tae see ye gein' him a doin' though - pure hud it comin' tae him, so he did.
See next time yer organizing a wee trip out tae Italy gonny geez a shout? Ahm pure freezing ma arse aff here oot in the east! Or if yer naw goin' doon sooth, how's about gein' me the nod tae go an' pure get wired intae aw they mad pagans tae ra east?
Cheers mucker!
Duke Iain
PS - it wiz me that made Shaun's missus aw hunchy backed. Ahm a pure monster, so ah am.
To His Highness Iain, Prince of Meissen,
Your sympathies regarding the disloyalty of our vassals is appreciated. Duke Shaun is indeed proving to be a 'pure walloper', whatever that means. Needless to say, your offer of service will be remembered, and doubtless called upon soon.
To King James,
But of course I am loyal, my liege. How could I not be, what with my deformed, deceitful ways?
Incidentally, does my liege have any other relatives that I could murder- I mean magnificently serve? Or any country cousins that could act as your heir and destroy the realm with imcompetentenc- I mean hold your grand empire together?
Telling the truth from a certain point of view,
Count Fausto.
To My Dearest Brother-in-Law,
Your deformities are no doubt a reminder from God that you are lucky to be alive, and should therefore strive to serve me in whatever way I see fit. Were your sister less attractive, I would seek to expunge her genes from the Imperial DNA pool. If you wish to abduct by elderly aunt or harpy of a mother, please feel free to do so at your earliest opportunity.
To H. I. M. Emperor of Germany, King of Italy, Bohemia, Etc.
Frm H. H. Karl I von Galien
Yr Imperial Highness, we do ask forgiveness fr damages encumbered at the behest of our dis-hnrble liege, and do ask that we be pledged as a vassal directly to yr majesty.
Yr humble & loyal servent;
H. H. Karl I von Galien, Graf von Sankt Gallien.
To His Excellency, the Graf von Sank Gallien,
Your groveling is both necessary and appreciated, and your disloyatly to your wicked liege most understandable. Whether His Majesty wishes the tedium of having you as a vassal directly beneath his control is another matter entirely, but your request shall be dully considered.
NOOOOOOOOO! Jeez, dead already! Good kill Shaun your archers sure can shoot
. Got me right in my sausage neck.
Robert is a country cousin right. Well if he is, he can't send a letter due to the fact he is illiterate.
To the Newly Annointed Duke Robert of Bavaria,
Our deepest condolences on the untimely death of your cousin. It is also most unfortunate that he was found face down in the dirt with several arrows in his back, miles from the front line. Nevertheless, his sacrifice helped to defeat the enemies of the Empire and was therefore not in vain. We look forward to receiving your own loyal service in the same manner.
Your Imperial Majesty,
I thought Swiss guard was for Swiss only? At any rate, he has three vassals, you have many more. Would be much better to have you surrounded by loyal troops. As for vacation spots in Italy I know a great island an old friend of mine built a resort on. Five strars, best accomodations from here to Constantinopolis. And I'd happily trade it for a piece of less fashionable land elsewhere in Italy.
- sincerely, Lucius Aelius Sejanus, Dux Austriacus
To The Serene Duke Sejanus of Austria,
Your flattery and unnecessary sycophancy is well-received and shall be remembered. His Imperial Majesty is indeed greatly concerned at the extent of his vassals' disloyalty, and such service will be remembered in the future. Alas, the Emperor's work at home prevents him from taking such vacations, at least for the foreeable future.
Proposed message dictated by Duke Shaun;
....
Actual sent message penned by Lesshammar;
....
To the Most Fortunate Duke Morningsider of Swabia,
The Emperor's benevolent mercy has indeed fallen upon you, and you should remember your gratitude every waking moment of your life to come.
The explanations for your actions are entirely plausible and the Emperor has noted them well. Such acts will be rewarded appropriately in years to come.
Let your show of tears concern you not; your reaction was entirely understandable, given the circumstances of my overwhelming vic-- mercy.
His Imperial Majesty, James I, King of the Germans, King of Italy and Burgundy, Duke of Franconia.
P.S. Your servant Lesshamer is an excellent scribe, and you would be advised to reward him handsomely. Should he ever have to leave your service, he could easily find a position in the Imperial Household.
