If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can! A (hopefully) comedic AAR
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If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!
King-Emperor Qalidurut I, the Conqueror
1263
This war begins, as all good wars should, with a victory by me. Is my victory less impressive because God ordained it?
Meanwhile, another Nubian army engages a slightly larger force near the former capital of Baghdad. I say former, because the Sultan grew tired of his capital being attacked, and moved it away from the boarder. What a loser. His ancestors would never have stood for such a thing.
Not that I really care. As Ann says, capital or no capital, Baghdad is still the wealthiest of the Turkish cities.
Nubia is finding success on all fronts. Not even being outnumbered stops us. Clearly God is favoring my great realm.
I know I just said God is favoring us, but does that mean we should be launching attacks against more than twice our numbers in an enemy province cut off from a chance at retreat?
No, no we shouldn’t. Even I know that.
The peasants have spotted some comet in the sky and gotten all worried. Then instead of dispelling this nonsense my astrologers agree that this is a bad omen. They couldn’t be more wrong. God is directing all of this. There are no bad signs for Nubia. I make several public announcements about how the comet heralds our victory, and that nothing bad is about to happen.
Man did I call that one wrong.
It turns out that the Golden Horde, whom I’d thought safely dead, is not. There were more of them hanging out in the wild East just waiting to sweep in and cause trouble. This new batch has decided to set up shop in one of my provinces. I’m sure they’ll pay for this some day, when the plan says it’s time.
I guess we can’t win every battle. Sometimes the Turks have to get lucky. But no matter, Ann tells me not to worry.
I continue my string of victories by seizing a province. Now just to let you know ahead of time, my army is going to be taking those three other yellow provinces next to Tell Bashir. I don’t expect anything interesting to happen, so if you don’t hear much about what my army is doing, that’s what we’re doing.
One of my vassals has taken Al Nasiryah, whose only importance comes from it connecting Kufa with the rest of the empire. Now Nubians are no longer cut off and surrounded by Turks.
Because the messenger got lost, I don’t have an official announcement to show you regarding the fall of Baghdad, but it fell. The Turks got the message, and have launched an attack to take it back. I intend for them to fail.
In other news, a Turkish flanking attack through Azerbaijan has been halted. Members of both royal families commented the armies, making this battle a practice for the day I meet the Sultan on the field.
Will the Turks retake Baghdad? Will Qalidurut fight the Sultan? What is the royal family up to? Has fish slapping caught on in Nubia? Find out with If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can!
A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words
King-Emperor Qalidurut I, the Conqueror
1263
This war begins, as all good wars should, with a victory by me. Is my victory less impressive because God ordained it?
Meanwhile, another Nubian army engages a slightly larger force near the former capital of Baghdad. I say former, because the Sultan grew tired of his capital being attacked, and moved it away from the boarder. What a loser. His ancestors would never have stood for such a thing.
Not that I really care. As Ann says, capital or no capital, Baghdad is still the wealthiest of the Turkish cities.
Nubia is finding success on all fronts. Not even being outnumbered stops us. Clearly God is favoring my great realm.
I know I just said God is favoring us, but does that mean we should be launching attacks against more than twice our numbers in an enemy province cut off from a chance at retreat?
No, no we shouldn’t. Even I know that.
The peasants have spotted some comet in the sky and gotten all worried. Then instead of dispelling this nonsense my astrologers agree that this is a bad omen. They couldn’t be more wrong. God is directing all of this. There are no bad signs for Nubia. I make several public announcements about how the comet heralds our victory, and that nothing bad is about to happen.
Man did I call that one wrong.
It turns out that the Golden Horde, whom I’d thought safely dead, is not. There were more of them hanging out in the wild East just waiting to sweep in and cause trouble. This new batch has decided to set up shop in one of my provinces. I’m sure they’ll pay for this some day, when the plan says it’s time.
I guess we can’t win every battle. Sometimes the Turks have to get lucky. But no matter, Ann tells me not to worry.
I continue my string of victories by seizing a province. Now just to let you know ahead of time, my army is going to be taking those three other yellow provinces next to Tell Bashir. I don’t expect anything interesting to happen, so if you don’t hear much about what my army is doing, that’s what we’re doing.
One of my vassals has taken Al Nasiryah, whose only importance comes from it connecting Kufa with the rest of the empire. Now Nubians are no longer cut off and surrounded by Turks.
Because the messenger got lost, I don’t have an official announcement to show you regarding the fall of Baghdad, but it fell. The Turks got the message, and have launched an attack to take it back. I intend for them to fail.
In other news, a Turkish flanking attack through Azerbaijan has been halted. Members of both royal families commented the armies, making this battle a practice for the day I meet the Sultan on the field.
Will the Turks retake Baghdad? Will Qalidurut fight the Sultan? What is the royal family up to? Has fish slapping caught on in Nubia? Find out with If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can!
Whee it's back! 
Seems that the war is going well. Of course, those are just worldly worries, a small part in a bigger plan...
Seems that the war is going well. Of course, those are just worldly worries, a small part in a bigger plan...
I'm back!
Yes everyone, I have returned. I'm sorry for my unanounced departure. It was a combination of multiple things, mostly real life getting in the way and writing the updates feeling like a job. So I took a little break, and now I'm back. Things will be a little slower this time. I'll try for two updates a week, but often their might only be one. Regardless we will continue to explore the alternae history of Nubia.
On a side note, since this AAR is not dead, if you like it and haven't voted in the current AAR awards, your votes would be apprecated. Or if you like another AAR better and haven't voted yet, go vote for that one. The important thing is to go vote!
Yes everyone, I have returned. I'm sorry for my unanounced departure. It was a combination of multiple things, mostly real life getting in the way and writing the updates feeling like a job. So I took a little break, and now I'm back. Things will be a little slower this time. I'll try for two updates a week, but often their might only be one. Regardless we will continue to explore the alternae history of Nubia.
On a side note, since this AAR is not dead, if you like it and haven't voted in the current AAR awards, your votes would be apprecated. Or if you like another AAR better and haven't voted yet, go vote for that one. The important thing is to go vote!
Happy to hear that there will be regular updates again. And of course writing shouldn't feel like a job.
And of course writing shouldn't feel like a job.
If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!
King-Emperor Qalidurut I, the Conqueror
1263
It should come as no surprise that my forces win in Baghdad. Nubia is but an instrument of God’s will, and will continue to win, not matter the odds.
Wait, this isn’t supposed to happen. John what are you doing? You are the Prince of Azerbijan and Count of Suenik for heaven’s sake, I expect better of you. Ann says you’re putting a crimp on God’s plan and if you don’t shape up I’ll have to replace you.
Much better. See, the Turks have realized that I am on a mission from God, and cannot be stopped. Rather than try to take and hold land, they are simply vandalizing what they can, then retreating back whence they came.
Onward Nubia, to victory!
Now this is what I’m talking about. Sure we lost more men than the Turks, but it was a victory. And we have far more soldiers than the Turks. With wins like this, we will push on to success.
And now we have made up for the extra 2000 men we lost, with interest. Nothing can stand in our way now!
I stand corrected. I think a 17,000 man Turkish army can stand in my way quite well. Thankfully the army isn’t standing in my way. I’m up north winning sieges. But for cousin Alim, things are going to be rough.
When I’m right, I’m right. Alim’s troops are slaughtered and the entire boarder defense comes crashing down. The Turks are now besieging the land I took from the Emir of Mosul after he successfully revolted from the Turks over fifty years ago. It’s MY land damnit!
On the bright side a Turkish noble wants to defect. I see this as a good thing because only a complete nutcase would jump ship when his people are winning, so the Turks must be weaker than they seem.
Or he’s crazy. While I don’t want any crazy people in Nubia, I prefer to be optimistic.
Once again, optimism pays off. Things might not be so good in the east, but in the south Nubia is kicking butt. Another Turkish province is free to join my benevolent realm.
I finally assemble a large army to drive the Turks from Kirkuk, only to discover they have been reinforced. Now a second army is going to be slaughtered, and there will still be thousands of Turks there.
Nubian forces in the south continue to prove their worth. Another of my many cousins defeats a Turkish army in some unimportant stretch of desert. If only we had commanders like that farther north.
Of a few thousand less Turks farther north. Either one would help.
Cancel that. Looks like my forces down south have enough on their plate. The Turks second attempt to take Baghdad had a little more umph in it. Now Nubia has to launch the counter attack.
Well we all knew this was coming. It seems Godarz’s second victory has made the area so secure that the Sultan himself is heading that way. But don’t worry; I have more armies… somewhere.
That didn’t work. The commander of my counterattack on Baghdad is too embarrassed by failure to even admit who he is. Oh well, it took the Turks two tries for a counterattack to succeed. I guess it will be the same for us.
A little success can go a long way. To building someone’s ego that is. The Turks are so overconfident that one province sheiks are declaring war.
But that doesn’t matter. I have finished conquering the last of the Turkish provinces within my realm and am ready for the fighting to stop. I send my normal message to the Sultan informing him that I have finished wailing on him and we can have peace.
This is not the normal response. It occurs to me that while I have been taking provinces, Nubia hasn’t been winning battles lately. In fact, on the Nubian/Turkish boarder, we’re losing the war. The Turks are besieging multiple boarder provinces, and my forces in the area aren’t strong enough to stop them, as demonstrated by another failed attempt on Baghdad.
Looks like I’m going to have to earn my peaceful ending.
First I’ll need more troops. The coastland hasn’t had to fight in a while, so it is proper that they contribute to the cause.
The third time was not the charm. I briefly consider letting the province fall, after all, it’s only been Nubian for a few months. Ann stops that train of thought. Apparently a Nubian Baghdad is part of the plan.
I send another army in.
Join us next time for the exciting conclusion.
A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words
King-Emperor Qalidurut I, the Conqueror
1263
It should come as no surprise that my forces win in Baghdad. Nubia is but an instrument of God’s will, and will continue to win, not matter the odds.
Wait, this isn’t supposed to happen. John what are you doing? You are the Prince of Azerbijan and Count of Suenik for heaven’s sake, I expect better of you. Ann says you’re putting a crimp on God’s plan and if you don’t shape up I’ll have to replace you.
Much better. See, the Turks have realized that I am on a mission from God, and cannot be stopped. Rather than try to take and hold land, they are simply vandalizing what they can, then retreating back whence they came.
Onward Nubia, to victory!
Now this is what I’m talking about. Sure we lost more men than the Turks, but it was a victory. And we have far more soldiers than the Turks. With wins like this, we will push on to success.
And now we have made up for the extra 2000 men we lost, with interest. Nothing can stand in our way now!
I stand corrected. I think a 17,000 man Turkish army can stand in my way quite well. Thankfully the army isn’t standing in my way. I’m up north winning sieges. But for cousin Alim, things are going to be rough.
When I’m right, I’m right. Alim’s troops are slaughtered and the entire boarder defense comes crashing down. The Turks are now besieging the land I took from the Emir of Mosul after he successfully revolted from the Turks over fifty years ago. It’s MY land damnit!
On the bright side a Turkish noble wants to defect. I see this as a good thing because only a complete nutcase would jump ship when his people are winning, so the Turks must be weaker than they seem.
Or he’s crazy. While I don’t want any crazy people in Nubia, I prefer to be optimistic.
Once again, optimism pays off. Things might not be so good in the east, but in the south Nubia is kicking butt. Another Turkish province is free to join my benevolent realm.
I finally assemble a large army to drive the Turks from Kirkuk, only to discover they have been reinforced. Now a second army is going to be slaughtered, and there will still be thousands of Turks there.
Nubian forces in the south continue to prove their worth. Another of my many cousins defeats a Turkish army in some unimportant stretch of desert. If only we had commanders like that farther north.
Of a few thousand less Turks farther north. Either one would help.
Cancel that. Looks like my forces down south have enough on their plate. The Turks second attempt to take Baghdad had a little more umph in it. Now Nubia has to launch the counter attack.
Well we all knew this was coming. It seems Godarz’s second victory has made the area so secure that the Sultan himself is heading that way. But don’t worry; I have more armies… somewhere.
That didn’t work. The commander of my counterattack on Baghdad is too embarrassed by failure to even admit who he is. Oh well, it took the Turks two tries for a counterattack to succeed. I guess it will be the same for us.
A little success can go a long way. To building someone’s ego that is. The Turks are so overconfident that one province sheiks are declaring war.
But that doesn’t matter. I have finished conquering the last of the Turkish provinces within my realm and am ready for the fighting to stop. I send my normal message to the Sultan informing him that I have finished wailing on him and we can have peace.
This is not the normal response. It occurs to me that while I have been taking provinces, Nubia hasn’t been winning battles lately. In fact, on the Nubian/Turkish boarder, we’re losing the war. The Turks are besieging multiple boarder provinces, and my forces in the area aren’t strong enough to stop them, as demonstrated by another failed attempt on Baghdad.
Looks like I’m going to have to earn my peaceful ending.
First I’ll need more troops. The coastland hasn’t had to fight in a while, so it is proper that they contribute to the cause.
The third time was not the charm. I briefly consider letting the province fall, after all, it’s only been Nubian for a few months. Ann stops that train of thought. Apparently a Nubian Baghdad is part of the plan.
I send another army in.
Join us next time for the exciting conclusion.
In CK there be no tactics required, you either have more or less men the enemy, and win or lose.
Uh, for the terminally newbish among us...how do we vote for you? Where is this award thread? I can't seem to find it.
If you tell me, I promise to stab one of your competitors in the throat while screaming "For Nubia!" at the top of my lungs. That should drum up support with the judges!
If you tell me, I promise to stab one of your competitors in the throat while screaming "For Nubia!" at the top of my lungs. That should drum up support with the judges!
http://forum.paradoxplaza.com/forum/showthread.php?501840-AARland-Choice-AwAARds-2010-(Round-3)
Good to be reminded, I haven't cast my votes yet either...
Ah, back we are at the Traditional Nubian Slaughtering (tm). Glad to see common sense hasn't found its way to stubborn monarchs...
Happy to hear that there will be regular updates again.
I don't know if I would say regular, continuing updates would be a better term.
True, not particularly relevent to anything, but true.
Throw more bodies at it until the enemy can't move?
Hehe, this approach should at least produce casualties.
There are too many people in the world anyway.
If you tell me, I promise to stab one of your competitors in the throat while screaming "For Nubia!" at the top of my lungs. That should drum up support with the judges!
No need for that,
I rather like my competitors. Just wait, someday Nubians will learn how to assasinate properly.Thanks for posting that.
Ah, back we are at the Traditional Nubian Slaughtering (tm). Glad to see common sense hasn't found its way to stubborn monarchs...
Qalidurut was ready to stop, it's the Sultan who is being stubborn this time
If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!
King-Emperor Qalidurut I, the Conqueror
1264
It might only be a small victory, but any victory is welcome right now. I have to convince the Sultan to make peace. If I can’t make him see reason, I have to delay his forces long enough for my northern veterans to arrive and convince him by force. According to Ann, compromise is not an option. Baghdad must not fall.
Oh look, I made it. And I have 10,000 more friends than the Sultan. I kindly ask him to leave my land and to never come back.
He and five thousand of his friends accept my generous offer. His other seven thousand buddies elect to stay in Baghdad forever.
Just in case Farroukh is still not convinced of the value of peace, I follow him so we can have another “talk.”
Just give peace a chance, that’s all I was saying. Finally, Farroukh listened. He agrees to accept the de facto boundaries, ceding rule of six provinces to Nubia. God’s plan is coming together.
As there is over 31,000 pounds of gold in the Treasury, I don’t think this was called for. But I admire a direct approach to issues, and anyway, it won’t be my problem for much longer.
Ann has revealed more of the plan.
I don’t know if “arbitrary” is the word I would use, but the decision is any easy one. When given the option, what true Dongola would not side against the peasants.
That doesn’t mean I approve of roughing up the peasants for more money! Come on people! Are we the leading Christian realm and Chosen Champions of God, or are we common brigands? I know I’ve spent more than 13,000 pounds of gold on projects in the last few weeks, but we have plenty left.
My favorite son has become a sissy. I feel what so many of my ancestors have felt before me, shame due to my children. Maybe this isn’t so bad. Maybe he’ll be driven to hide his sissiness through extreme deeds of violence and recklessness. Not likely, but it would make me proud.
Ann tells me not to worry about it.
You may recall that Constantinople has been afflicted with dysentery since I wrested it from the Bulgarians. They seem to be over that now.
I knew from Ann that I was destined to go on a trip. This seemed like an obvious fulfillment, so I started planning a visit to my second capital.
Then Ann came and told me I would be traveling much further than Greece.
Another sign that this is all part of God’s plan. My oldest living son, Saul, has just regained his full abilities after dealing with his wife’s death. He is a key element in the Plan.
I summon my son and in front of the court and the assembled nobles announce that I am going on Crusade. Not the silly crusade ordered by the heretic pope, but the Crusade truly desired by God. I will be taking the 16,000 men of the capital garrison and sailing forth to combat the enemies of God. I expect to be gone several years, perhaps more.
I inform everyone that while I am gone Saul is to act as my regent. He will carry out the duties of the ruler and all will obey him as if he were me.
As I prepare to leave I pull Saul aside and tell him he is to attack the Bulgarians as soon as possible. They allied with the evil Turks, and it is God’s will that they be punished.
Beyond that I am not concerned for my realm. God will take care of Nubia, and I have my own mission.
The western half of some place called Iceland is infested with Pagans. My first task will be bringing the island and its people into God’s fold.
Iceland? What is Saul thinking? How will the nobles react? Really, Iceland? Was the Queen consulted? Will having a prince as regent affect the succession procedure? And finally, Iceland? Find out the answers with If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can!
A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words
King-Emperor Qalidurut I, the Conqueror
1264
It might only be a small victory, but any victory is welcome right now. I have to convince the Sultan to make peace. If I can’t make him see reason, I have to delay his forces long enough for my northern veterans to arrive and convince him by force. According to Ann, compromise is not an option. Baghdad must not fall.
Oh look, I made it. And I have 10,000 more friends than the Sultan. I kindly ask him to leave my land and to never come back.
He and five thousand of his friends accept my generous offer. His other seven thousand buddies elect to stay in Baghdad forever.
Just in case Farroukh is still not convinced of the value of peace, I follow him so we can have another “talk.”
Just give peace a chance, that’s all I was saying. Finally, Farroukh listened. He agrees to accept the de facto boundaries, ceding rule of six provinces to Nubia. God’s plan is coming together.
As there is over 31,000 pounds of gold in the Treasury, I don’t think this was called for. But I admire a direct approach to issues, and anyway, it won’t be my problem for much longer.
Ann has revealed more of the plan.
I don’t know if “arbitrary” is the word I would use, but the decision is any easy one. When given the option, what true Dongola would not side against the peasants.
That doesn’t mean I approve of roughing up the peasants for more money! Come on people! Are we the leading Christian realm and Chosen Champions of God, or are we common brigands? I know I’ve spent more than 13,000 pounds of gold on projects in the last few weeks, but we have plenty left.
My favorite son has become a sissy. I feel what so many of my ancestors have felt before me, shame due to my children. Maybe this isn’t so bad. Maybe he’ll be driven to hide his sissiness through extreme deeds of violence and recklessness. Not likely, but it would make me proud.
Ann tells me not to worry about it.
You may recall that Constantinople has been afflicted with dysentery since I wrested it from the Bulgarians. They seem to be over that now.
I knew from Ann that I was destined to go on a trip. This seemed like an obvious fulfillment, so I started planning a visit to my second capital.
Then Ann came and told me I would be traveling much further than Greece.
Another sign that this is all part of God’s plan. My oldest living son, Saul, has just regained his full abilities after dealing with his wife’s death. He is a key element in the Plan.
I summon my son and in front of the court and the assembled nobles announce that I am going on Crusade. Not the silly crusade ordered by the heretic pope, but the Crusade truly desired by God. I will be taking the 16,000 men of the capital garrison and sailing forth to combat the enemies of God. I expect to be gone several years, perhaps more.
I inform everyone that while I am gone Saul is to act as my regent. He will carry out the duties of the ruler and all will obey him as if he were me.
As I prepare to leave I pull Saul aside and tell him he is to attack the Bulgarians as soon as possible. They allied with the evil Turks, and it is God’s will that they be punished.
Beyond that I am not concerned for my realm. God will take care of Nubia, and I have my own mission.
The western half of some place called Iceland is infested with Pagans. My first task will be bringing the island and its people into God’s fold.
Iceland? What is Saul thinking? How will the nobles react? Really, Iceland? Was the Queen consulted? Will having a prince as regent affect the succession procedure? And finally, Iceland? Find out the answers with If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can!
Iceland? Delightful!
I love it that "the leading Christian realm and Chosen Champions of God" was repeatedly roughing up Mecca of all places.
:rofl:
I love it that "the leading Christian realm and Chosen Champions of God" was repeatedly roughing up Mecca of all places.
:rofl: