If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can! A (hopefully) comedic AAR

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Well I missed my deadline, due to some computer issues (though I may have missed it anyway) and I'm sorry about that. On the bright side, there is something special coming on Monday. Have a great weekend.

If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!

A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words​

Mirza I, the Builder, and his
Improvement of the Realm

1217-8

Well what do you know; those troops besieging Burgos were Bohemians. It’s sad that they are the only Europeans with the balls to fight the good fight these days.

Of course it’s possible Western Europe is still reeling from what happened to the English, but that shouldn’t be an excuse.

I told you I had a special suitor planned for Elizabeth. The young king of Hungary has just come of age and was more than happy to marry the daughter of the most powerful ruler in the known world.

Speaking of marrying daughters, I have to reject several proposals from relatives who want to marry my second daughter. When will people learn that incest is wrong?

Even though Hana skated by in school, she still managed to do better than her older brothers. She’s an angry young woman though, always ranting and yelling about how no one understands her. Don’t let the portrait fool you, she only wears black and spend most of her time writing poetry.

I need to find a good husband for her fast.

There’s a random Frenchman in my court who keeps getting all sorts of claims. Apparently there was a spot of trouble back home and he had to run for it. He tells me not to worry that’s the standard French way to deal with violent problems.

He’s a fairly talented man. I guess they felt the need to indicate he’s a coward because he doesn’t register as French since he’s technically Occitan

The court record keeper came to me today with interesting news. Back in the day when Georgios gave Ascalon to General Walid, he forgot to affix the royal seal on one of the documents.

This invalidates the original grant, which means I’m technically the count of Ascalon. I think I’ll ignore it for now, as I don’t particularly want to rule Ascalon and Walid’s descendents have been loyal vassals, excepting that time with my great uncle. But I can’t hold that against all of them.

I finally got fed up with Merkurios today, so I handed him off to the first noble I ran into this morning. The noble looked shocked at first, but then graciously thanked me.

I’ll have to remember to tell Anastasia about this. And try to figure out which noble I gave my son to.

I was tempted to do the same thing with Gabriella, but Anastasia was quite cranky after the last time.

So I let her pick the family.

A little peace and quiet can work wonders.



Where will the Bohemians go next? Will Hana find a husband she’s not related too? Why are Frenchmen hiding in Alexandria? Who did Mirza give Merkurios to? And if he doesn’t like having kids around, why does he keep getting Anastasia pregnant? Find out with If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can!​

 

[Johan11]

Emo Nubians.

Why am I not surprised?

 

[Malurous]

Mirza seems to send all his problems to local nobles

 

[Enewald]

Mirza has too much free time at home...

 

[AllmyJames]

I say Ubert should be French with that moustache! And with that accent - I suspect his name is really (H)ubert.

 

[Morrell8]

Uber de Nanteuil.

 

[Murmurandus]

Mirza has too much free time at home...

I'm sure it's the nose... :nods:

 

[iain_a_wilson]

Another amusing update - I loved the line about handing the child to the first noble that you bumped into. His response echoes quite nicely the fact that Nubia is now the most powerful nation in the world

 

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Tisk, tisk. First I have a late update, then I skip an update altogether. I'm sorry I've been a little behind with things guys, the real world has been intruding. Hopefully tonight's offering will be worth the extra wait.

I originally planned to do my 150 year update in much the same style as my 100 year one, as exerts from history books. But last week I hit upon this appraoch, which uses yet another style. I hope you guys enjoy it! (And sorry to those who wanted more history books, maybe for 200)

If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!
A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words

1217​

So what’s the deal with this family reunion thing anyway?

Every once and a while we all get together and check how things are doing down there.

Has it been another fifty years already?

Time flies dad.

Not for us, not anymore.

James, this is your grandfather, Mikal.

I don’t know why you guys care about what happens down there. They are all a bunch of rebellious backstabbers who reject their lawful temporal and spiritual lord.

No need to ask who you are.


And here is our progenitor

It is good to finally greet you James.

It is an honor to meet you sir… who are you?

I’m your great grandfather, John.

That’s great; you’ve been such an inspiration for me!

I have?

Of course! We’re so much alike!

We are?

Yeah, we both sired bastards, spent most of our reign at war, and died young of a combination of liver failure and venereal disease.

Okay, well I guess we are... wait what? What was that last part?

We both died at age thirty-nine, the youngest of any Nubian king.

Not that, the part after that.

How we both died of liver failure and venereal disease?

Yeah… about that, I died of food poisoning.

Really? I always figured that was a euphemism, or the chroniclers were true prudish to put down the truth.

Nope, it was really food poisoning.

Oh, well that’s disappointing. I always envisioned you as some awesome guy, living the good life just like me. And I find out you just ate some bad stew?

Listen here; if it wasn’t for that stew I would have accomplished great things.

Instead I got too.

Lucky you.

Har har.

Gentlemen, we are here for something beyond just ourselves, aren’t we? Let us consider the mortal realm.

Looks about the same as I left it. I gave Mirza everything a person could want. Money, power, huge armies, everything to take over half the world. He could have liberated the Rus, destroyed the Turks, or humble the Germans. At least he could have taken out Seville.

He does have three times the forces of the next strongest realm, you’d think he’d do a little bit more with them.

He disappoints me.

Listen kid, you’ve got nothing on me when it comes to a disappointing son.

I’m standing right here you know.

Speaking of that how is it that you’re here anyway?

Who is more deserving of this than a patriarch?

You weren’t a patriarch, you were an excommunicated heretic.

I maintain I was the legitimate Patriarch of Alexandria.

Well events after your death would indicate otherwise.

So how’d you get here?

Weekend pass.

They give you weekend passes?

Believe me this hasn’t been a particularly pleasant experience so far.

Most family gatherings aren’t.

Speaking of family, lately we’ve been making some connections in high places.

Indeed, while I set up a strong marriage for you, most of the others didn’t seem to care.

Well it’s not like I had much of a chance to set up a lot of marriages.

What strong marriage did you set up Georgios?

I married John to the sister of the future Byzantine Emperor.

You mean as in our family’s Eternal Foe?

We got along with the Emperors back then.

And that emperor only ruled for a few years and then his dynasty lost power. In fact he died before you did Georgios.

Well thanks to me and Mirza, we’re connected to many powerful families.

Relatives are shown in blue. Mirza is married to the sister of the Prince of Galich. The Tsar of Bulgaria is his step cousin. Another cousin is an Italian duke. One of his daughter’s in law is the Countess of Galtia and her brother is the Duke of Cumberland. Finally his nephew is the King of Hungary.

What’s the brown?

Well Mirza did marry his son to the daughter of the Prince of Serbia, but she died after a month and there were no children, so Serbia gets its own category.

Since every but Mr. Heretic over there were pious souls, how has the faith fared?

Well Christianity has expanded, pushing both Muslims and Pagans back.

I’d say nudged more than pushed.

This from the person who tried to create another Schism.

While my grandson may not be an aggressive war leader, he certainly did not shy from the family duty of spreading the faith through persecution.

A proud day for all of us.

While the populace may still hold to Islam, it is withering as a political force.

At long last my plans are coming to fruition.

Your plans? Your plans consisted of tiptoeing around weak Muslims and shattering the realm with civil war. Dad and I were the ones that put the screws to the Muslims.

Meanwhile, Orthodox power has also expanded in the north.

Which is unexpected. In my day Galich was on it’s last legs, fighting half the pagan world. I never thought they’d last this long, let alone prosper.

Think what could have happened if they had joined with Nubia.

Someday Grandfather, someday.

Well I’ve think I’ve had about as much family time as I can take, so let’s say we take a look at the general political situation before not speaking to each other for another fifty years.

You’d think we’d be able to get along better.

Maybe it’s because you whine about how you had so much potential that was never realized? Or how I stole you destiny?

Or that you judge us despite never accomplishing anything yourself?

The two of you need to learn to respect your elders.

Excuse me? Which of us died at age 39 and which of us lived to be over sixty?

I may have died younger, but I lived before you.

Doesn’t seem to matter much now.

Children!

Mr. Peace and Prosperity somehow managed to ignore the Turks as they fought a civil war.

For a while I thought the entire kingdom was going to collapse.

No, the Turks are the great enemy; they’ll never collapse on their own. In fact, while some vassals managed to successfully break away, most of the rebellious were crushed and brought back into the fold. It’s like a juggernaut.

The cursed Cumans still control the north.

You have to admire their spirit. I can’t believe the Germans are still a republic.

Not that it’s helped them much. They are slowly losing territory to Seville.

France managed to collapse, but what do you expect?

If you want to talk about collapse, talk about England, or at least what was England.

It’s been a while since a Christian kingdom disappeared.

And who’d have thought it would be them? They were like the Bohemians of Western Europe, the only other realm out fighting the good fight.

Guess they lost.

The icy north remains much the same, of course who in their right mind would want to invade there?

I launched an invasion of Norway.

Oh, right.

Thankfully, they saw reason before our troops reached the Baltic.

I never had a reason to invade that far north, but rest assured that if I had needed two I’d have marched to the very top of the world.

Not likely, there aren’t any women at the top of the world.

That’s funny coming from the man who couldn’t please a woman or get an heir.

Why you little…

Well I think that means we’re done here.

I’d like to say it’s been great to see you all again.

Maybe we’ll get along better next time.

Don’t count on it.

We can at least hope.

I don’t know, this was fun. Not pagan killing fun of course, but still enjoyable.

That could be the tagline for our whole family.




Thanks for staying with us so far, you guys have been great. I know this update was not as informative as the bonuses useulaly are, and it may be hard to pick out details on the images (especally without labels) so feel free to ask any questions you might have about the situation in 1217. We'll return to Earth and Mirza on Friday with If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!

 

[Eams]

I know this update was not as informative as the bonuses useulaly are

Who cares? It was superspecial awesome. Are the Jewish provinces to the north of the Caucasus still around?

 

[Morrell8]

When were they're jews north of the caucasus during these times?

 

[Eams]

When were they're jews north of the caucasus during these times?

The Khazars were a group of people, some of which converted to Judaism (not to get into a heated discussion, but there are theories that the same thing happened among the Berbers in North Africa).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khazars#Conversion_to_Judaism_and_relations_with_world_Jewry

 

[AllmyJames]

:rofl:

Very funny update. I especially liked:

So how’d you get here?

Weekend pass.

They give you weekend passes?

Believe me this hasn’t been a particularly pleasant experience so far.

Most family gatherings aren’t.

Very good!

 

[iain_a_wilson]

Great update - very well done. I especially liked "I launched an invasion of Norway."

Ah - the good old days

 

[Malurous]

Great update! You seem to handle a lot of styles well.

 

[Enewald]

European borders look always horrible in CK.
In Eu3 they are less worse.
But in V1 and HoI's they are still not far better.

Why didn't Paradox create a AI that draws nice borders?

 

[Eams]

Why didn't Paradox create a AI that draws nice borders?

Realism. Seriously, we're from countries that spent hundreds of years in a union which made them look an awful lot like the male genitalia.

 

[Johan11]

I can't remember which ruler has which color! AAAAARGH!


But funny nevertheless.

 

[iain_a_wilson]

Realism. Seriously, we're from countries that spent hundreds of years in a union which made them look an awful lot like the male genitalia.

Ok - you managed to make my wife laugh at that comment. Well done

 

[Eams]

Ok - you managed to make my wife laugh at that comment. Well done

Thanks And be sure to say hie to her from the kid from the city that quite literally straddles the neck of the great Finno-Swedish Mr. Happy!