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    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


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I've wanted to do an AAR for a long time and finally got around to making one. I hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy making it.

I apologize if the name is not original. I thought it was fitting but it's possible someone came up with the same things long before me.

I give special thanks to phargle, for I am shamelessly copying his style in making this AAR.

So without further ado, here is If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!


The History of Nubia

King Georgios I, the Great: 1066-1109

King John I, the Aggressive: 1109

King Mikal I, the Fortunate: 1109-42

King Kemaladdin I, the Vigilant: 1142-59

King/Patriarch Kemaladdin I, the Heretic: 1159-64

King Hamdan I, the Man: 1164-72

King James I, Regency of Zacharias: 1172-76

King James I, the Cuman Slayer: 1176-98

King Mirza I, the Builder: 1198-1245

King Qalidurut I, the Conqueror: 1245-8

King-Emperor Qalidurut I, the Conqueror: 1248-
 
Last edited:
Nov 15, 2008
366
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If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!
A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words​

Georgios I, the Great, and his Struggle for Survival




Hi! I’m Georgios I, King of Nubia. No I didn’t draw this myself, why would you ask such a thing? I’m a fricking king, I have people to do that for me. Yes I do have a shaved head, baldness sets in early in my family.




This is my wife. She may not be the most beautiful person in the world, but at least she doesn’t have to keep her face covered all the time like some people in my court. And look how well endowed she is, just full of talent. Sadly she didn’t study in school and will get a poor education.

We don’t have any kids yet but with my good looks and prowess, that’s sure to change. What? I’m supposed to be modest? That was being modest, just think of what I could say if I was egotistical.




This is Nubia. It’s poor, sandy, and located in the southern part of Egypt.

It’s also an Orthodox Christian kingdom, which is a rarity in this part of the world as Africa and the Middle East are pretty much Muslim Territory.

Which brings me to my neighbors…




This is the Kingdom of the Fatimids. It’s giant, rich, Muslim, and could crush Nubia like a camel crushes a sand beetle. (That’s a Nubian expression)




This is the King of the Fatimids. He doesn’t capitalize the first letter of his name like normal people, but he gets away with it because he’s a king. He’s also a coward and has trouble talking, but I would never mock him for those traits because I’m a nice person. It has nothing to do whatsoever with his army outnumbering mine twenty to one.




So Nubia’s not in the best position. We could be destroyed by angry religious neighbors at a moment’s notice and the rest of Christendom doesn’t pay attention to us. I don’t know if we’re going to make it. My policy is to hide from the world and convince everyone we’re not here

That will keep people from conquering us… I hope.

And now, because its not all about me (I’m modest remember) I bring you, PEOPLE WATCH, Where we take a look at various interesting folks around Europe whose I will probably never come into contact with outside of this segment.




First we go to Denmark to meet Knud Svendson Knytling. This sick lazy man is the second son of the king and still lives at home. He’s single at the moment, but with that sexy beard I’m sure the ladies are all over him.




This kid is Dirk van Holland. He’s only twelve, but he already rules three provinces in the Holy Roman Empire. For those of you keeping track, that’s as large as my kingdom. So while I live in fear of my life and kingdom, this brat rules the same out of land, makes far more money and gets to do it all as a mere count. Man, doing People Watch can be really depressing. Oh and as to what’s up in his portrait? Apparently it’s called a silhouette, and is all the rage in Holland right now.

It’ll never catch on.




Now let’s meet Werner von Habsburg. He’s a real man. Look at that military ability. Just looking at him you get the impression that he could go out and conquer Europe in some bizarre pattern just to show how manly he is. He’s also part of the Holy Roman Empire. Note how he has a real portrait, not a silhouette. I told you it wouldn’t catch on.




Okay, this doesn’t prove anything. No one thinks of the Irish as trend setters. Regardless, this is Harold. His daddy used to be king of England before he got killed and Harold fled to the Duchy of Leinster. Yes, he must have been really desperate. Now Harold is left with nothing but a dream of returning his family to the throne.

Will Georgios’ plan of hiding from the world succeed? Does the king of the Fatimid’s really talk funny? Will Georgios’ path intersect with any of the folk from PEOPLE WATCH? Find out when If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can starts!​
 
Last edited:

Murmurandus

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Good, phargle rip offs are to be supported... Now you just need to live up to the expectations...:p;):D
 

Cecasander

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Indeed, and Nubia seems to be particularity funny. Probably because they're screwed from the start. The people you watched are personal favorites, actually. I'll be following this.
 

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Ha, great start! I especially liked People Watch...although I've very sad that Baldwin de Guines didn't make the cut. Just for that..."She Will Kill Them All!" (Them being the people featured in People Watch).

Good luck with Nubia! It's so screwed, I've never even TRIED it. :rofl:
 

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Incidentally, who is Dirk of Holland? I knew the rest of them of course, but this one flumuxes me.

Also, what is flumux?
 
Nov 15, 2008
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Off We Go

If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!
A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words​

1066-1068

Georgios I, the Great, and his Struggle for Survival




Nothing like starting something to get the drive fired up. Family, here I come





And this is why studying is important. Great potential wasted.





Well at least someone knows we’re here. Maybe these merchants can make Nubia less of a poor backwater.





I’m embarrassed to say it took the people of my capital six months to realize we had a second field. Now conditions are sure to improve. What? Of course I knew it was there.





I hope God considers it His divine duty to protect Nubia. Without a miracle I don’t see how we can survive. I’m counting on you Big Guy.





My attempt to make a new friend does not go well. Looks like its back to hiding and pretending not to exist for me.





And an heir is born. Flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood, I will raise you, and train you and one day leave you my kingdom Ghazi. Ghazi? Okay, well we were originally going to name the kid John, a nice normal name, but I had a cold at the christening. I sneezed right when the priest asked, “What name do you give this child?” and he took the sneeze as my answer and went with Ghazi as the name. I hope that doesn’t come back to haunt me.





I know what you’re thinking. I don’t like silhouettes, and they have not caught on in Nubia. My son can’t even sit up yet so we got some peasant to pose for the picture, and the way to hide that was to use a silhouette. So there!





The people in the province of Nubia want me to build them a fishing wharf. Apperently it isn’t cool to stand along the shore and fish, they have to do it from a wooden platform. Unlike the people in my capital, they know how many fields they have so I agree to build a wharf.





My troops come up with the great idea of taking their bows and making them longer! I can’t believe nobody had ever thought of that before. Maybe we aren’t so backwards. Take that rest of the Christian world that ignores Nubia and leaves it at the mercy of heathens. We’ve got longer bows than you. And that may or may not be a euphemism.


An heir has been born and advancements made, but will the Nubian longbowmen be enough to hold back the Muslim tides? Find out in the next If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can!​
 
Last edited:

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I already feel sorry for Georgios...:D
 

Enewald

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Btw, if you concentrate research on ranged weapons, they might really turn a tide in an closely-matched war.
 

Actinguy

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Ha...naming your son after a sneeze. Too funny!

By the way, I'm currently in the early 1100's in my game, and AI-controlled Nubia is not only still alive...but has all of Egypt, and even teamed up with Bulgaria to end up taking about half of the Byzantine Empire.

So...it CAN be done! ;c)
 
Nov 15, 2008
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Good, phargle rip offs are to be supported... Now you just need to live up to the expectations...:p;):D
I don't expect to live up to it, I just want to come as close as I can.

Indeed, and Nubia seems to be particularity funny. Probably because they're screwed from the start. The people you watched are personal favorites, actually. I'll be following this.
There is something about a guy in a tight spot. Whether you root for him or mock him, it's all fun.

Ha, great start! I especially liked People Watch...although I've very sad that Baldwin de Guines didn't make the cut. Just for that..."She Will Kill Them All!" (Them being the people featured in People Watch).

Good luck with Nubia! It's so screwed, I've never even TRIED it. :rofl:
I've never heard of Baldwin de Guines before, though clearly I missed something good.

I've tried a few games with Nubia before and they didn't end well. I figured this whole thing was a gamble and I've got a back up plan in case things go sour.

Incidentally, who is Dirk of Holland? I knew the rest of them of course, but this one flumuxes me.
Haha, Dirk is just the person I chose to start as in my most recent game. I wanted a strong count. What made him interesting is that I hit the jackpot with good marriages. He went from being the Count of Holland, to his son being the Duke of Piotu, to his grandson adding the County of Narrabone, to his great grandson being King of France. All through marriage. I wanted to see what the family did in this game. Plus he makes a good depressing comparison for Gregorios.

I already feel sorry for Georgios...:D
Don't worry his life gets worse.

Ha...naming your son after a sneeze. Too funny!

By the way, I'm currently in the early 1100's in my game, and AI-controlled Nubia is not only still alive...but has all of Egypt, and even teamed up with Bulgaria to end up taking about half of the Byzantine Empire.

So...it CAN be done! ;c)
Wow, I've seen games where Nubia survived that long, but not expanded like that. We'll just have to see what the future holds for Nubia.

I'm glad everyone's enjoying things so far, stay tuned as the story continues.
 
Nov 15, 2008
366
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I know the Truth

If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!
A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words​

Georgios I, the Great, and his Struggle for Survival

1068-1069






Nothing like longer bows to fire up the drive





My people realize that digging ditches and raising earthworks makes our land harder to invade. I have them installed all along the northern frontier. It won’t do anything, but it makes the people feel safer.





Just in case anyone needed a reminder about why we are building defensive terrain. We are as bugs before the Fatimid menace.





God can have whatever rights He wants. It’s part of being God after all.





My eldest daughter is born. Since I picked the name for our first child Syragia insisted on picking this one. I said it didn’t count because we didn’t actually use the name John, but she didn’t listen. Funds are a little tight at the moment, so that’s why we went with another silhouette. I still don’t like them, but they are economical.






The hard work of hiding Nubia from the rest of the world is taking a toll on my spy master. And the giant grim reaper mural on the wall of his room probably doesn’t help any.





The stress doesn’t seem to be affecting me though. Clearly Syragia and I make a great team. So loving and compatible, our faithful union continues to produce beautiful children.





Ghazi, flesh of my flesh and heir to my throne, is going to spend lots of quality time with the nannies. Because that’s what we hired them for.

What? You expected something about church?





All that stress must be going to Mubarak’s head. He thinks my wonderful Syragia cheated on me and that Ghazi isn’t mine. He’s wrong of course.

I don’t know quite how to react now that I can’t automatically trust my advisers.

Hopefully it means I’ve lost some naiveté and can look at the world with more discerning eyes.





So less than a month after I ignore conclusive evidence that my wife had an affair and my first born son is someone else’s, Marshal Alim stops being stressed. I wonder…

No I don’t! The new suspicious me knows the terrible truth. Alim, you slept with my wife! Ghazi isn’t my son. Oh what a fool I’ve been.



So a terrible truth is revealed and the foundations of Nubia shaken to their core. Can the kingdom recover? Or is this the beginning of the end?
Find out next time with If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can!​
 
Last edited:

Enewald

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A girl named Taliba-n? :rolleyes:
I smell a great destiny for her. To be married to some random courtier and then disappear mysteriously from the pages of history. :eek:o

oh my, that's an bad marshal!
You don't pay him for siring your heirs, do you?
 

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Mmm, I wonder if you can get stress when decapitated...;):D

Also, it would be a good joke if Ghazi develops pneumonia... ;)
 

th3freakie

Commissar for a European People's Economy
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  • For The Glory
I send all my problems to the nanies, because... hm... they've got big boobies?

edit: and to keep your spirits up, in my last CK game the King of Nubia ended up inheriting the Byzantine Empire, which became a giant (albeit Muslim) Mecha-Nubia.
 
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How I know you

If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!
A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words​

Georgios I, the Great, and his Struggle for Survival

1069-1072




Dishing out some religious oppression will distract me from my family troubles. Apparently the northern part of my realm embraced Islam, and we can’t have that. I hope persecuting the religion of the jugernaught kingdom to the north won’t come back and bite me.

By the way, it doesn’t work. Nor the next time.

On a side note, you can see that a crazed son of the Fatamid king took his one province and declared independence. I considered claiming his land in the name of God and Nubia, but I figured that would counteract the whole hide from the world and pretend I don’t exist plan I had been going with the last few years.

Then later he wanted to form an alliance. Now normally I like to make new friends, but he had two things going against him. First, he’s a heathan, and I like to stay tight with God. Secondly, I figured sooner or later Daddy would come looking to get his land back and I had no wish to get caught in the middle of that. So I said no.





Or did we?

How can I know this child is mine? I’m not the naive trusting king I was before. I guess I’ll have to settle for being quasi sure about Qasim.






And here he is. Not much of a soldier, but in other areas he’s more talented than that bastard in non-bastard’s clothing Ghazi. That and the fact I’m pretty sure you aren’t a bastard makes him my new favorite son. The name was my mother-in-law’s idea. She insisted we use a family name, but I can take it no longer. I will use the name I’ve wanted to use since 1067. My son, from now on I will call you John.






Nothing like hours of labor and naming disappointment to fire up the drive. An important note it that I am convinced this one is mine because after the issue with my marshal I’ve kept my wife locked in a tower with no male visitors. Such is the price of peace of mind.






Nubia is developing a thriving business economy. Now people can borrow money and are obligated to pay it back. This will make the merchant families happy.






I intend to take a personal hand in John’s upbringing. How else will he learn all he needs to know to rule Nubia after I am gone?






Meet son number three. Okay, I admit it, I like silhouettes. There is just something about them. I think I’ll make a law requiring all children’s portraits to be silhouettes.






Sweet sweet Divine Justice. Most people would be upset if their leading general became sick, but not me. You might remember that this is the man who impregnated my wife and sired the sneeze child who I’m pretending is mine to avoid a scandal.
That’s what you get for sleeping with my wife Jerk!






I’m of two minds about this. On one hand, this means the Patriarch knows we exist, which means my plan to convince everyone Nubia doesn’t exist isn’t working perfectly. On the other hand, we’ve never had a bishop, so I accept.

I wonder what this guy did to be given this punishment assignment at the edge of the known world.







Ah, that’s why. Old Alam is lustful. Can’t keep his celibate hands off the ladies. Well don’t worry, here in Nubia we keep them robed, veiled, and occasionally locked up in towers. That should lower temptation.

Also, note my new bishop’s good looks. Strong nose, clean shaven head, trimmed beard. It seems my look is catching on.



Georgios has started a trend and has a new bishop. But all is not well in Nubia. Stay tuned as relations between church and state take a turn for the worst next time in If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can!​
 
Last edited:

Murmurandus

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Alim and Alam... it sounds like a bad comedy show... ;):D