If Real History Operated By CK2 Rules

[Lingvort]

Norse Pagan Ruler: Ha-ha, finally I'll get rid of all these pesky fools! May the Blot commence!

*successfully kills first 4 sacrifices*

Norse Pagan Ruler: Now, you!
*tries to stab another victim, gets repelled every time by a force field*
Norse Pagan Ruler: What the-?
Councillor: Sorry, m'lord, you can't have more than 4 sacrifices.
Norse Pagan Ruler: What? Why?
Councillor: It's set so in defines.lua.
Norse Pagan Ruler: In... what?
Councillor: Erm... nevermind.

 

[enf91]

When JFK was assassinated, LBJ inherited his personal fortune.

 

[Fimconte]

When JFK was assassinated, LBJ inherited his personal fortune.

Well, not really.
US succession law is Open, so money and personal holdings go with the dynasty,
while the Empire title goes to the patrician with the most votes.

 

[Deathlinger]

ISIS HQ -

Al Bagdadi - "Alright it's time to fight the Kurdish"
Councillor - "Sorry sir you need at least 50 piety , also you didn't give your sons land so there is a stack of tribal warriors outside our capital."

 

[gaaz453]

1943 Italy

King Victor Emanuel III fires Benito Mussolini as Chancellor

King Victor Emanuel III surrenders to the Allies

The Allies gain k_sicily

Mussolini fabricate claim on k_italy

Hitler lands Mussolini in b_salò and giving him d_susa d_lombardy d_tuscany d_verona

Mussolini creates custom kingdom-level republic of Salò, vassal of E_Germania

E_Germany declare war on K_Italy using Mussolini claim (as a landed vassal, Hitler would vassalize the whole k_italy)

The Allies join wars of K_Italy

E_Germany surrender, Mussolini imprisoned by k_italy and executed

The Allies land new character in k_italy, they don't realize that c_rome main holding switched from Barony to City and accidentaly create Most Serene Republic of Italy

 

[Kapitalisti]

ISIS HQ -

Al Bagdadi - "Alright it's time to fight the Kurdish"
Councillor - "Sorry sir you need at least 50 piety , also you didn't give your sons land so there is a stack of tribal warriors outside our capital."

Nah, the entire Al Bagdadi dynasty is Ashari.

 

[Zohtun]

On a lower-level, this would have happened many times throughout history:

Two people of noble birth fall deep in love. The two are both single and often share a bedchamber. Determined to make an honest woman out of her, the man proposes to his dearest lover.

[Desires better alliance]

 

[Apollo1784]

1943 Italy

King Victor Emanuel III fires Benito Mussolini as Chancellor

King Victor Emanuel III surrenders to the Allies

The Allies gain k_sicily

Mussolini fabricate claim on k_italy

Hitler lands Mussolini in b_salò and giving him d_susa d_lombardy d_tuscany d_verona

Mussolini creates custom kingdom-level republic of Salò, vassal of E_Germania

E_Germany declare war on K_Italy using Mussolini claim (as a landed vassal, Hitler would vassalize the whole k_italy)

The Allies join wars of K_Italy

E_Germany surrender, Mussolini imprisoned by k_italy and executed

The Allies land new character in k_italy, they don't realize that c_rome main holding switched from Barony to City and accidentaly create Most Serene Republic of Italy

HAHAHAHA i fucking cant this is gold.

 

[harrumph]

HAHAHAHA i fucking cant this is gold.

It's also weirdly accurate!

 

[LVRugger]

January 21, 2017, 9am

Hillary Clinton: Good morning, team.

Team: Good morning Mrs President.

HRC: What's going on today?

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff: Mexico invaded the southwest US overnight.

HRC: What?! Why?

CJCOS: They have a weak claim on the area from when they used to own it. They had to wait for a regency or a female ruler. They missed their chance during the Reagan regency as it only lasted a short time and they were unprepared. They have been plotting this action since 2012.

HRC: Well, call out the troops. We have tons of them in California and Texas.

CJCOS: We can't. They are occupying all the areas of the southwest with a jeep and 4 soldiers. This prevents us from calling up the troops.

HRC: What can we do? Why don't we call out the troops in the south? There are many from Virginia to Florida.

CJCOS: We can't. Those areas are in rebellion. They want to put Jeb Bush in charge. With Mexico holding the southwest, they had enough faction strength to push their rebellion.

HRC: We must have some troops somewhere!

CJCOS: There is one group of Canadian mercenaries available. Can you authorize the funds? They will be in Washington this afternoon. There were some other groups available but the Governor of Washington State hired them to push the de jure claim on Vancouver Island.

HRC: When did this world stop making sense?

 

[DesNibelungen]

they missed their chance during the reagan regency

lol

 

[ghaladh]

Alexander the Great: I want to create an Empire. Let's gather an army!

Councilor: Great! What's your casus belli?

Alexander the Great: What are you talking about? I am the freaking Alexander the Great, you got it? I don't need a casus belli! I have armies and greatness!

Councilor: Sorry sir, but you really need a casus belli.

Alexander the Great: but I really really really want their land! Isn't that enough?

Councilor: ...

Alexander the Great: but I took Greece just because I wanted to!

Councilor: yeah, you can do that once in your life time because you are pagan. You can't wish for more than one realm.

Alexander the Great: fine! Send my diplomat there to forge a claim on their counties.

fifteen years later

Councilor: Sir! We finally managed to get a claim on a county!

Alexander the Great: XD Are you freaking kidding me? Whatever, I became an expert gardener in the meanwhile. Leave me to my flowers.

ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY CREATE AN EMPIRE WITHOUT A CASUS BELLI!

 

[ghaladh]

Ruler: create an embassy in that country.

Councilor: sorry sir, you can have only one diplomat at a time.

Ruler: I have an army of people with a politic sciences and philosophy degree! Send one of them!

Councilor: only ONE diplomat at a time, sorry sir, it's the rule.

Ruler: OK, call back the diplomat from where he is now and send him in the other country.

Councilor: I can't, sir. He has to stay there for 6 other months.

Ruler: but he already did what he was sent there for! The job is done, I need him elsewhere!

Councilor: it's the rule, sir. Nothing I can do about it; you have to wait 6 other months.

 

[Kapitalisti]

The Macedonians were obviously a Horde culture.

 

[Silver Wolf]

Chancellor: But, Great Leader, are you sure?
'Great' Leader: Of course I am, I must press the claim.
C: But they have a alliance with the Serene Republic of the United States.
GL: Yes, but now is the time, Serene Doge Hillary is ocuppied by wars with the invading Mexico, a faction revolt and is helping against the 587th Jihad for Israel.
C: But we...
GL: It's decided. Declare war now if you don't want to end up like my uncle.
C: Yes, Great Leader.

Some time later...
GL: Chancelor, where is my army???
C: My lord, I tried to tell you. Since some months ago our army vanished, and all our income too. Some people at the time said something about "North Korea being patched", but we executed them for thinking it was a insult to you.
GL: Do we have our nuclear missiles ready?
C: Missiles? I don't know what's this. But we have enough money to hire a archer retinue for you to lead in battle, my lord.

 

[Lwantssugar]

Chancellor: But, Great Leader, are you sure?
'Great' Leader: Of course I am, I must press the claim.
C: But they have a alliance with the Serene Republic of the United States.
GL: Yes, but now is the time, Serene Doge Hillary is ocuppied by wars with the invading Mexico, a faction revolt and is helping against the 587th Jihad for Israel.
C: But we...
GL: It's decided. Declare war now if you don't want to end up like my uncle.
C: Yes, Great Leader.

Some time later...
GL: Chancelor, where is my army???
C: My lord, I tried to tell you. Since some months ago our army vanished, and all our income too. Some people at the time said something about "North Korea being patched", but we executed them for thinking it was a insult to you.
GL: Do we have our nuclear missiles ready?
C: Missiles? I don't know what's this. But we have enough money to hire a archer retinue for you to lead in battle, my lord.

You didn't refer to him by his proper title: Supreme Comrade and Dear Reader, 1 million years gulag!

 

[NewbieOne]

Ruler: create an embassy in that country.

Councilor: sorry sir, you can have only one diplomat at a time.

Ruler: I have an army of people with a politic sciences and philosophy degree! Send one of them!

Councilor: only ONE diplomat at a time, sorry sir, it's the rule.

Ruler: OK, call back the diplomat from where he is now and send him in the other country.

Councilor: I can't, sir. He has to stay there for 6 other months.

Ruler: but he already did what he was sent there for! The job is done, I need him elsewhere!

Councilor: it's the rule, sir. Nothing I can do about it; you have to wait 6 other months.

Actually: Appoint someone else as chancellor, doesn't matter who. Now appoint the old guy back. Put him on a new mission. Unpause.

 

[Lord_P]

Emperor Napoleon I of France: Francis, I demand that you renounce your claims to the German lands. The Empire of the German nation is no more!
Emperor Francis II of the Holy Roman Empire: Fine then. So you want it, then?
Napoleon: What? No! I demand that you destroy the title for good!
Francis II: Ok, then.
...
Napoleon: Well?
Francis II: I can't destroy the HRE, as it is my primary title and only empire.
Napoleon: Grant independence to your German vassals or something.
Francis II: I can't, I'm their de jure liege.
Napoleon: *sigh* Then what can you do?
Francis II: I could create the Empire of Austria and then dissolve the Holy Roman Empire.
Napoleon: Fine, do that.

*Emperor Francis II of Austria has destroyed the title Holy Roman Empire*

Napoleon: Good... Hey, wait, why are the Germans still your vassals?
Francis II: Because I'm still an emperor! Backstab'd, motherf***er!

*Emperor Francis II of Austria has declared Austrian invasion of France war on Emperor Napoleon I of France*

 

[foxboy73]

Emperor Napoleon I of France: Francis, I demand that you renounce your claims to the German lands. The Empire of the German nation is no more!
Emperor Francis II of the Holy Roman Empire: Fine then. So you want it, then?
Napoleon: What? No! I demand that you destroy the title for good!
Francis II: Ok, then.
...
Napoleon: Well?
Francis II: I can't destroy the HRE, as it is my primary title and only empire.
Napoleon: Grant independence to your German vassals or something.
Francis II: I can't, I'm their de jure liege.
Napoleon: *sigh* Then what can you do?
Francis II: I could create the Empire of Austria and then dissolve the Holy Roman Empire.
Napoleon: Fine, do that.

*Emperor Francis II of Austria has destroyed the title Holy Roman Empire*

Napoleon: Good... Hey, wait, why are the Germans still your vassals?
Francis II: Because I'm still an emperor! Backstab'd, motherf***er!

*Emperor Francis II of Austria has declared Austrian invasion of France war on Emperor Napoleon I of France*

Emperor Napoleon then uses his doomstack to completely obliterate the Austrian's.
Napoleon: Alright now that I won I'll just create puppets and take some land from the Empire of Austria.
Random Adviser: But Sire, you cannot!
Napoleon: But I won the war why not?
Random Adviser: Because you are in a defensive war, and thus cannot claim any lands or do anything to the Austrian Empire except take their money.
Napoleon: ಠ_ಠ

 

[Zohtun]

On the bright side, with Austria now being so poor that they have not a single dime to their name, it won't take long for the country to fall apart, break away from Austria and then be poached by Napoleon. They're not Muslims after all, so an empire collapsing is possible!