If Real History Operated By CK2 Rules

[unmerged(466619)]

Long-term alliances never happen without both sides' rulers becoming horribly inbred because their royal houses have to keep intermarrying every single generation to prevent the alliance from lapsing.

The Cold War never occurred, because nobody had enough marriageable children to form a proper multi-nation alliance (the idea of forming an alliance without a royal marriage being of course ridiculous). That is until Bill Clinton became President; his Seduction and Philandering traits let him sire enough bastards to finally form NATO.

 

[Lysistrata]

Long-term alliances never happen without both sides' rulers becoming horribly inbred because their royal houses have to keep intermarrying every single generation to prevent the alliance from lapsing.

The Cold War never occurred, because nobody had enough marriageable children to form a proper multi-nation alliance (the idea of forming an alliance without a royal marriage being of course ridiculous). That is until Bill Clinton became President; his Seduction and Philandering traits let him sire enough bastards to finally form NATO.

Well that's easy, convert to Messalianism or Zoroastrianism, then you can keep alliances as long as you like. Gee, I'm good at this, *takes ambition to be appointed Secretary of State*

 

[Ashagar]

Only Feudal states, in-land medieval style inland and merchant republics exist into the 21 century.

 

[Lord_P]

Only Feudal states, in-land medieval style inland and merchant republics exist into the 21 century.

Australia is a merchant republic vassal of k_greatbritain.

 

[Kapitalisti]

Australia is a merchant republic vassal of k_greatbritain.

Surely Great Britain is empire tier? It's just localized as kingdom tier. Considering their insane blobbing the had to be empire tier.

 

[DesNibelungen]

Oval Office

1997

James Carville: Sir, I'm going to be candid. I foresee disaster if you can't keep your hands off the interns.
Bill Clinton: Sorry, James, but as much as I would like to focus on rulership, it's only been four years since I decided to focus on seduction. I need another year before I can change.
James: Sir...
Bill: Yes?
James: How long has it really been?
Bill: *hangs head*....thirty years.
James: Will you change focus?
Bill: No.

 

[loup99]

Is this thread supposed to be a secret rant thread about game mechanics? Chapeau, DesNibelungen, you have almost managed to do what none of the page-long rant threads about Paradox being the worst company on earth did not manage to do. With this thread, the game feels almost... broken.

 

[DukeDayve]

Thermopylae, Persian invasion of Greece

Leonidas: Spartans! Prepare yourselves. We shall surely die here. We are outnumbered, but we are the toughest bastards in the world. We have trained for battle our entire lives and we have an excellent defensive position. We will gladly fight to our deaths to buy our brothers some time to raise a proper army against the Persian menace. With our own ferocity and the dedication of our allies here today I reckon we can hold out for at least 3 days. This heroic last stand will go down in history. We will be heroes forever. Here they come! Form a phalanx!

0.1 seconds later

Xerxes: I heard the brief clash of steel, what happened?
Persian general: Eh, nothing great king. We just walked over a Greek army of 1,300. We lost 2 guys but they were from your immortal retinue so they've already replenished.
Xerxes: Oh. On to Athens then I guess.

And Thermopylae was never heard of again.

 

[unmerged(466619)]

Thermopylae, Persian invasion of Greece

Leonidas: Spartans! Prepare yourselves. We shall surely die here. We are outnumbered, but we are the toughest bastards in the world. We have trained for battle our entire lives and we have an excellent defensive position. We will gladly fight to our deaths to buy our brothers some time to raise a proper army against the Persian menace. With our own ferocity and the dedication of our allies here today I reckon we can hold out for at least 3 days. This heroic last stand will go down in history. We will be heroes forever. Here they come! Form a phalanx!

0.1 seconds later

Xerxes: I heard the brief clash of steel, what happened?
Persian general: Eh, nothing great king. We just walked over a Greek army of 1,300. We lost 2 guys but they were from your immortal retinue so they've already replenished.
Xerxes: Oh. On to Athens then I guess.

And Thermopylae was never heard of again.

At least it actually happened, unlike Salamis.

 

[DingoWalley]

Germany, 1914:

General: "In order to conquer the French, we'll need to take over Belgium first."
Aide: "Sorry sir, Belgium is neutral. Unless you declare an independent war on it, you cannot take any territory of Belgium. We can march through it, however, with no repercussion."
General: "Oh... That's a lot easier, isn't it?"

France collapsed afterwards, and Great Britain never got involved because they didn't have relations with France or Russia.

 

[Maarten99]

English Chancellor : My Lord ! A Frenchman has been elected Pope, and is moving the Papacy from Rome to Avignon ! This is unacceptable, and we should do everything we can to oppose it.

English King : Why should we ? I don't care

E. Chancellor : But, this puts the Papcy in the hands of the French king, giving him a dangerous political tool ! We should support papal independance.

E. King : I won't do anything about it. Let the French king vassalize the Pope, for all I care...

E. Chancellor : Oh, we luckily don't have to worry about that. The French King may have the Pope at his knees, he still is unable to vassalize him because he's only a King and not an emperor.

 

[foxboy73]

Emperor of Rus: Hmm, let's see who should I marry my daughter to? Adviser! Get me a list of all the most powerful men whom are eligible to marry my daughter.
Random Adviser: Right away sire. (runs off and gets the all knowing list) Here you go sire.
Emperor of Rus: Alrighty then, so it seems that the King of Georgia could use a good wife, and he has an army of 5k troops. Cool, lets send him a proposal.
Random Adviser: My liege how do you know that he has 5k troops?
Emperor of Rus: It says it right here (points to number next to the King's head) see?
Random Adviser: Hmm, well that's a nice trick. Alright I'll send him a message.
(King accepts and the two marry)

*******
(5 or so years later)
Random Adviser: My liege, something terrible has happened!!!
Emperor of Rus: You mean besides the fact three random ex-soldiers have started revolts for some stupid reason and my cousin 5 times removed is preparing an army to invade me?
Random Adviser: Indeed, the King of Georgia just got his ass kicked by some random tribal.
Emperor of Rus: And I care because???
Random Adviser: Because not only does he have less troops (adviser points to the magical figure) but your daughter has been kidnapped, it's believed that she has become a sex-sla...er I mean concubine of the tribal king.
Emperor of Rus: WHAT?!?!? That SomoBich I'll kill him, Adviser summon forth my armies-
Random Adviser: Sire, they have already been raised to deal with the rebels and remember you must send them all home before we can declare a war.
Emperor of Rus: ಠ_ಠ Fine whatever just let me know when were done killing them.
****
Random Adviser: My liege we finally beat all three rebellions and the war with your distant cousin has been won.
Emperor of Rus: Great finally, whats it been 5 years?
Random Adviser: 6 actually.
Emperor of Rus: Anyways, lets get this war started, commence operation Save my Daughter!
Random Adviser: Sire what casus belli are we using?
Emperor of Rus: Whaa...uhh saving my daughter from bondage isn't enough?
Random Adviser: Nope.
Emperor of Rus: Uhh, Holy War I guess.
Random Adviser: Hmm, I'll make sure to send the proper paper work to the Earth War Council (Clasewitz).
****
(after much ass kicking, our hero arrives at the tent of the random tribal king)
Emperor of Rus: Alright you retarded, dwarf, tribal, I have come for one thing and one thing only.
Tribal King: My lands?
Emperor of Rus: I don't want your crappy ass lands, I'm here for my daughter.
Tribal King: But she's mine now.
Emperor of Rus: You see this face, ಠ_ಠ, this is my not giving a damn face. Now hand her and I'll let you go back to doing whatever it is that you tribal's do.
Tribal King: Na, you can't make me.
Emperor of Rus: BS I kicked your ass, now give her to me.
Random Adviser: Sire, he's right, because it's not apart of the casus belli you can't free your daughter.
Emperor of Rus: Now you tell me?!?
Random Adviser: Well you just seemed to driven I didn't want to burst your bubble.


One more quick one. (These are fun)

Emperor of Scandinavia: Hmm how can I conquer Europe in my life time.
Random Adviser: I have an idea my liege.
Emperor of Scandinavia: Excellent lets hear it.
Random Adviser: Simple you kid nap a princess and make her your concubine.
Emperor of Scandinavia: How will that work?
Random Adviser: Simple, once she has a son we will raise him into a proper Norse Germanic and place him on the throne. He'll get a claim on his Grandfather's throne eventually, and according to the Earth War Council this is a legit cacus belli.
Emperor of Scandinavia: Alright let's give it a shot.
Random Adviser: Excellent idea sire.
***
(Emperor observing princess captive in dungeons, age 6)
Emperor of Scandinavia: Adviser it was a great idea, but I was expecting someone...I don't know older?
Random Adviser: But sire this (pulls out picture of ugly princess aged 16) was the only other option.
Emperor of Scandinavia: Well I guess I can wait, you know this almost feels as if I'm cheating in some way.
Random Adviser: Don't be silly my liege if the Europeans will allow anyone to claim their thrones then who cares.


*edit: One should always proof read before posting...

 

[DesNibelungen]

Is this thread supposed to be a secret rant thread about game mechanics? Chapeau, DesNibelungen, you have almost managed to do what none of the page-long rant threads about Paradox being the worst company on earth did not manage to do. With this thread, the game feels almost... broken.

Not at all, I love this game and I understand that compromises must be made when you are trying to abstract out something as ridiculously complex as a simulator of the entire Middle Ages! I just think this is funny. :laugh:

 

[Rubidium]

1857, London:

Advisor: My queen, the Indians are revolting! They have declared the Indian Liberation Revolt! Hordes of rebels have risen up in Agra!
Queen Victoria: Uggh, that's all the way on the other side of the map from where I have my retinue, and my levies are still replenishing from defeating the Russian Conquest of Wallachia. I'll just create the Kingdom title.

India:
Rebels: Death to the British! Long live free India!
Messenger: Queen Victoria has created the title of Queen of India to add to her list of titles.
Rebel 1: As if paying a little gold and piety would buy our loyalty! We will never...wait, where is everyone going?
Rebel 2: Well, we can't be a "liberation revolt" if the title already exists, can we?
Rebel 1: But she's a foreign conqueror!
Rebel 2: So what? We're not direct vassals anyway.

And thus the Indian Rebellion of 1857 ended with no bloodshed.

 

[DesNibelungen]

The Allied front line in Belgium

December 16, 1944

American Soldier 1: You ask him.
American Soldier 2: No, you ask him.
American Soldier 1: Let's draw straws.
American Soldier 2: OK. *draws* Damn it. OK, fine.
*approaches another man*
American Solider 2: Excuse me, President Roosevelt?
President Roosevelt: Yes?
American Soldier 2: Sir, I...I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but is it a good idea for you to be here on the front lines with us? If you were killed or captured, the war would be lost.
President Roosevelt: Are you accusing me of being craven?!?
American Soldier 2: Oh no, sir! I would never...
President Roosevelt: That's good to hear, because the last man who called me craven was found beaten to death with a leg brace.
General Eisenhower: You men stop bothering the President! It's time to take out that German machine gun nest!
American Soldier 2: Sir, why don't you let the rest of us handle this? You are the Supreme Allied Commander, you're so valuable to the war effort. And President Roosevelt is....
General Eisenhower: Is what?
American Solider 2: Nothing, sir.
General Eisenhower: Son, you had best un-!@#$ yourself before I unscrew your head and !@#$ down your neck.
American Solider 2: Sir, yes sir!
General Eisenhower: Now grab the other side of the president's wheelchair! We're going over the top!

 

[Maarten99]

The Allied front line in Belgium

December 16, 1944

American Soldier 1: You ask him.
American Soldier 2: No, you ask him.
American Soldier 1: Let's draw straws.
American Soldier 2: OK. *draws* Damn it. OK, fine.
*approaches another man*
American Solider 2: Excuse me, President Roosevelt?
President Roosevelt: Yes?
American Soldier 2: Sir, I...I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but is it a good idea for you to be here on the front lines with us? If you were killed or captured, the war would be lost.
President Roosevelt: Are you accusing me of being craven?!?
American Soldier 2: Oh no, sir! I would never...
President Roosevelt: That's good to hear, because the last man who called me craven was found beaten to death with a leg brace.
General Eisenhower: You men stop bothering the President! It's time to take out that German machine gun nest!
American Soldier 2: Sir, why don't you let the rest of us handle this? You are the Supreme Allied Commander, you're so valuable to the war effort. And President Roosevelt is....
General Eisenhower: Is what?
American Solider 2: Nothing, sir.
General Eisenhower: Son, you had best un-!@#$ yourself before I unscrew your head and !@#$ down your neck.
American Solider 2: Sir, yes sir!
General Eisenhower: Now grab the other side of the president's wheelchair! We're going over the top!

He won that battle, showing the whole world his courage as he bravely assaulted the machine gun nest, but was finally overwon with fear three months later during a small, insignificant squirmish in Berlin. Since then, everyone knows him as a craven man.

 

[Abnwtwtud]

The Allied front line in Belgium

December 16, 1944

American Soldier 1: You ask him.
American Soldier 2: No, you ask him.
American Soldier 1: Let's draw straws.
American Soldier 2: OK. *draws* Damn it. OK, fine.
*approaches another man*
American Solider 2: Excuse me, President Roosevelt?
President Roosevelt: Yes?
American Soldier 2: Sir, I...I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but is it a good idea for you to be here on the front lines with us? If you were killed or captured, the war would be lost.
President Roosevelt: Are you accusing me of being craven?!?
American Soldier 2: Oh no, sir! I would never...
President Roosevelt: That's good to hear, because the last man who called me craven was found beaten to death with a leg brace.
General Eisenhower: You men stop bothering the President! It's time to take out that German machine gun nest!
American Soldier 2: Sir, why don't you let the rest of us handle this? You are the Supreme Allied Commander, you're so valuable to the war effort. And President Roosevelt is....
General Eisenhower: Is what?
American Solider 2: Nothing, sir.
General Eisenhower: Son, you had best un-!@#$ yourself before I unscrew your head and !@#$ down your neck.
American Solider 2: Sir, yes sir!
General Eisenhower: Now grab the other side of the president's wheelchair! We're going over the top!

That is solid gold. Oddly, if it was Teddy Roosevelt, I could actually see that happening. Someone artistic should draw FDR in an armored WW2-style death wheelchair.

 

[DesNibelungen]

That is solid gold. Oddly, if it was Teddy Roosevelt, I could actually see that happening. Someone artistic should draw FDR in an armored WW2-style death wheelchair.

True fact: Teddy Roosevelt's son was the only Allied general to land with the first wave of troops on D-Day.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theodore_Roosevelt,_Jr.#D-Day

 

[SDSkinner]

That is solid gold. Oddly, if it was Teddy Roosevelt, I could actually see that happening. Someone artistic should draw FDR in an armored WW2-style death wheelchair.

Someone already had that idea.

 

[unmerged(466619)]

The Allied front line in Belgium

December 16, 1944

American Soldier 1: You ask him.
American Soldier 2: No, you ask him.
American Soldier 1: Let's draw straws.
American Soldier 2: OK. *draws* Damn it. OK, fine.
*approaches another man*
American Solider 2: Excuse me, President Roosevelt?
President Roosevelt: Yes?
American Soldier 2: Sir, I...I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but is it a good idea for you to be here on the front lines with us? If you were killed or captured, the war would be lost.
President Roosevelt: Are you accusing me of being craven?!?
American Soldier 2: Oh no, sir! I would never...
President Roosevelt: That's good to hear, because the last man who called me craven was found beaten to death with a leg brace.
General Eisenhower: You men stop bothering the President! It's time to take out that German machine gun nest!
American Soldier 2: Sir, why don't you let the rest of us handle this? You are the Supreme Allied Commander, you're so valuable to the war effort. And President Roosevelt is....
General Eisenhower: Is what?
American Solider 2: Nothing, sir.
General Eisenhower: Son, you had best un-!@#$ yourself before I unscrew your head and !@#$ down your neck.
American Solider 2: Sir, yes sir!
General Eisenhower: Now grab the other side of the president's wheelchair! We're going over the top!

Soldier: Hey, you know, wouldn't it be possible for you to send your levies to fight but stay away from the battle yourself? That way we would be get the extra numbers, without risking our nation's leader.
Roosevelt: No, my levies always pine too much when I'm away. They absolutely cannot fight unless I am personally leading them into battle.