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unmerged(466619)

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A prison in France, late in 1805:

PITT. Confound it, Nelson, why the bloody hell didn't you stop the French transporting their soldiers across the Channel?

NELSON. It's not as easy as that, sir. You see, fleets on the open sea are physically unable to fight each other. There's literally nothing we could have done to interfere with them.

PITT. But we knew exactly which port the French were sailing from! All you needed to do was park a couple of battleships outside the harbour entrance, and shoot them to pieces as they tried to leave!

NELSON. I wish I could, sir. But you see, some sort of spell comes over navies whenever they approach each other. No weapons work -- gunpowder doesn't light, cutlasses become as soft and blunt as rubber, bayonets don't cut. There's nothing to do but sit there impotently while they just sail past us. Maybe if we supplicate the Development Gods enough, they'll make it so that combat doesn't magically become impossible the moment our soldiers step on board a boat, but I wouldn't hold your breath.

PITT. So basically, navies are completely impotent for defending your coastline against hostile landings?

NELSON. I'm afraid so, Prime Minister.

PITT. Crap. I wish I'd known that when I decided to base our entire military strategy around the Royal Navy.



_______________



In a similar vein, the Republic of Venice was stillborn, falling to the Franks in 810. Suggestions that the Venetians might use their famous maritime prowess to keep the invaders stuck on the far side of the lagoon were dismissed as ridiculous and ahistorical, because that might require a naval battle, and everybody knew those didn't exist in the Middle Ages. The Byzantine Empire, too, was tragically cut short when in 626 they were unable to stop the Persians from sailing across the Bosporus to link up with the besieging Avars.
 
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unmerged(466619)

First Lieutenant
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D-Day, however, ended up being a complete failure. Apparently the Allied High Command didn't realise that the latest patch changed the mechanics of fleet transport, so that their soldiers would now end up fighting on 50% morale due to just having travelled by sea.
 
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D-Day, however, ended up being a complete failure. Apparently the Allied High Command didn't realise that the latest patch changed the mechanics of fleet transport, so that their soldiers would now end up fighting on 50% morale due to just having travelled by sea.

No worries. They just sailed the invasion fleet down to Spain, dropped the troops off there, and then when the soldiers had gained their confidence back they walked through Spain and attacked Normandy from land.
 
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unmerged(466619)

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Because nobody minds when a nation marches its troops across a neutral country, Germany's going through Belgium to get to France occasioned no comment whatsoever, and Britain never got involved in the First World War.
 
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D-Day, however, ended up being a complete failure. Apparently the Allied High Command didn't realise that the latest patch changed the mechanics of fleet transport, so that their soldiers would now end up fighting on 50% morale due to just having travelled by sea.

This one messed me up so badly. Lost at least 1300 d on mercs in one month battling venice.
 
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Because nobody minds when a nation marches its troops across a neutral country, Germany's going through Belgium to get to France occasioned no comment whatsoever, and Britain never got involved in the First World War.
Nobody minds in CK2. That's the point of this thread.
 

Rubidium

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Elector Frederick the Wise of Saxony: Good day my chaplain, what do you want with me?

Martin Luther: I have decided that the sale of indulgences is corrupt and blasphemous. I also have 95 theses explaining how we must reform the Church!

EFTWS: Do any of these theses allow me to have female councillors or generals?

Martin Luther: What? No! I'm trying to explain the very essence of salvation, which comes through faith alone.

EFTWS: Well, how about boning my sister?

Luther: No! Besides, we're Catholic, not Nestorians.

EFTWS: Fine, toss him in the dungeon.

Luther: Ok, I'll renounce my heretical notions.

*One week later*

Luther: Ok, I have a new proposal for reform.

EFTWS: Does it...

Luther: NO! NO INCEST!

EFTWS: Dungeon it is then.

Luther: Ok, I'll renounce my heresy. Same time next week?
 
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Valladolid, Castile, 1605

Cervantes: I'm researching for an important cultural improvement, and I'm going to write something about a knight...
Messenger: Hello! Your emperor-tier king Philip The Third needs you on Flandes now!
Cervantes: Wait! I'm maimed...
Messenger: Some duke has been imprisioned, and we need someone for the left flank!
Cervantes: I'm bit old... and Lope? Quevedo?
Messenger: Transferred to a vassal of a vassal...
Cervantes: Ok... Teleport!!
 
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Jerusalem, 0 AD:

Messenger: My Emperor, a random courtier and his family have come to us.
Augustus: Okay, who are they?
Messenger: Some random jews, they have a child, named Jesus, or something of the like. They also claim the child is divine, as the mopther is still virgin.
Augustus: Right, let them in, I'll what I can do.

6 years later:

Augustus: So little Jesus guy, want to learn some magic tricks with old Gus here?
Jesus: Sure! I can do some too!
Augustus: Okay, show me one now... WHAT THE HOLY JUPITER YOU TURNED THE WATER INTO WINE!
Jesus: I can do more.
Augustus: Alright, let me teach you some other things too...

And thats how Jesus became Hellenist and Christianity never born.
 
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Jochi Borjigin: What do you say, brothers? Should we carry on our father's glorious conquest of the Earth?
Tolui Borjigin: Nah, I'll just conquer a bit of land and then extinguish my Tumens fighting you.
 
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King of Scotland: as I lay here bestruck with illness, arm loped off, depressed with an STD I fear my soul may not make it into the heavenly bodies. Surrounded by family, during these moments I think the only thought that could occur to a man who thinks of the future ...
Court Bishop Mcende: Sire your confessor has arrived
King of Scotland: COUgH* thank you Mcende but send for my marshal
Marshal Patrick: Sire?
King of Scotland: Arrest and execute all my sons and their children but James who scored an A* in his A-levels and is sexy. Kill all the nobles who have known me for a long time and just now have warmed up, kill their entire male lines. Mobilise the vassals until I die, don't worry the nobles will forget those piles of bills once James touches the throne with his hot buttocks. Oh and kill anyone I have been meaning to kill in the dungeons could you?

-----------------------

Edward IV: Oh my lord what a victory! we defeated the entire knight corps of France! The Crown of France awaits!
Aide: Fanastic victory sire ... but chivalric convention states it was not ours
Edward IV: Bollacks I saw our men shoot every Frenchman who nayed
Aide: It was not ours
Edward IV: someone shoot him
Aide: No sire the count of Bedford says he was independantly strolling the battlefield with his twin ponies looking for a watering hole when the battle flew over his head. His personal dislike for the king of France is well known, he came running to us after the battle finished. The French also claim they only lost against the compte de Bedford and congratulate him profoundly.
Edward IV: So what did we rudy win?!?
Aide: We get increased prestige for being an ally in this victory sire!
 
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6 June, 1944

Churchill: Where are our American allies? They were supposed to land at the same time as us!
Aide: It appears that they do not have enough ships to transport their entire army.
Churchill: What? Couldn't they break their army up and bring them over in smaller groups?
Aide: Why would they do that? And besides, they've congregated every single one of their soldiers in Oklahoma. They wouldn't get here in time regardless.
 
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unmerged(466619)

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PITT: Alright, ambassador, I want you to travel to the Hapsburg court and offer them a subsidy of £100,000 if they'll declare war on Napoleon.
AMBASSADOR: I'd love to, sir, but I'm afraid that none of the diplomatic corps have good enough memories to remember offers with more than one clause. You'll have to send me along to give them the money, then send me along again to ask them to join in our war against the French. Hopefully the offer of money will improve their opinion of us enough to make them accept.
PITT: No, the monetary offer is strictly conditional on their joining the war... I'll just write a letter outlining my proposals and have you deliver it.
AMBASSADOR: We don't have any pieces of paper big enough to write more than a single clause on, either.
PITT: ....
 
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