If Real History Operated By CK2 Rules

[DukeDayve]

1205, Nicaea, Anatolia.

Advisor to Emperor Theodore Laskaris: Emperor, you have consolidated your position and defeated the pretenders to this title. The known world recognizes you as emperor of what's left of Rome after the treacherous barbarian Latins from the west have looted and stolen Constantinople and all of Greece from us.

Theodore Laskaris: It's good to be emperor. More wine.

Advisor: Basileus, this is no time for wine. The empire is in peril. Seldom has it ever been so close to the gates of utter annihlation. The situation is desperate. We have lost Greece, we have lost our ancient capital. The Latins are planning to invade our lands in Asia even as we speak.

Theodore Laskaris: We'll take it back tomorrow, don't worry. Where's that wine?

Advisor: My emperor, I don't think you fully appreciate the direness of our situation. We have lost Gree...

Theodore Laskaris: Dude seriously, I'm looking at the thingy that tells me how many troops we can recruit. I can have like 20,000 of the finest heavily armoured and disciplined men mustered at my castle in less than a week. You're making a mountain out of a molehill. Ain't no big thang bro. NOW WHERE'S THAT WINE!

1210: Byzantine Empire is fully restored to its de-jure borders.

 

[tuareg109]

*Cruel arbitrary emperor: "Aha, now that that nasty five-year rebellion has been crushed, it's time to blind and castrate all the traitors!"

Advisor: "Sorry sir, can't let you do that."

"Why the heck not???"

"Well once you blind or castrate somebody, he immediately teleports to his home...isn't that obvious? You can't administer more than one punishment at once, it's just...impossible."

"WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT"

 

[Milten]

King: My firstborn looks a little slow, doesn't he?
Queen: Well, that happens with one year old kids.
King: I'm sorry dude, nothing personal, if only you were strong as your mother.

 

[Lord_P]

Charles VII of France: Yes! The English are wavering! We can reclaim our ancestral possessions!
Advisor: My liege, which province do you wish to conquer?
Charles VII: All of them! We will drive the English from France!
Advisor: But my liege, that is not possible.
Charles VII: What do you mean?
Advisor: Our ancestral laws dictate that a war for de jure territory may only be fought once every 10 years for one piece of land. By these rulers, the reconquest of all French territory should be over in... 300 years.

I see most of these are about peace deals, the weakest part of CK2.

 

[Maarten99]

I see most of these are about peace deals, the weakest part of CK2.

Diplomacy in general between realms is the weakest part of the game, IMHO.

 

[Leon_Aditzu]

986 AD: Karling armies complete the conquest of Europe by seizing Iceland.
1679 AD: With occupation of Easter Island, Karlings rule every inch of territory on the earth, there's about 100 000 family members at this point.
1782 AD: All counties are now Frankish culture
1976 AD: The Carolus Magnus spacecraft successfully enters orbit.
2135 AD: The Karling World Empire settles Mars.

Only one problem, Karling dynasty didn't survive the insane waves of Jacobin rebels in 1840-1848, followed by mass communist uprisings in 1900' and fascist take over of 1920'.

In the 1500's

Hernan Cortez: "I wish to conquer lands in the New world in the name of the Spanish!"
Aide: "Sorry sir, but you cannot."
Hernan Cortez: "What? Why?"
Aide: "Four Reasons: One, you are too far away to interact with the Native Governments."
Cortez: "Well, yes, but I..."
Aide: "Two, you can only conquer de jure lands for vassals, not for lieges. The King and Queen of Spain do not serve you, you serve them."
Cortez: "That may be, but I..."
Aide: "Three, even if you could declare war on the Natives there, since you have no claim on their titles, you could only conquer one duchy at a time."
Cortez: "Those vile heathens do not have duchies!"
Aide: "Well, that's how the world is organized."
Cortez: "And what exactly is the fourth reason, squire?"
Aide: "Since you own no territory yourself, you cannot raise a fleet to go there in the first place!"

Sorry but the CK 2 rules do not apply to Cortez.
According to EU4 rules Cortez must choose between taking 2500 ducats or annex the Aztecs before the Portuguese

 

[Lord_P]

Sorry but the CK 2 rules do not apply to Cortez.
According to EU4 rules Cortez must choose between taking 2500 ducats or annex the Aztecs before the Portuguese

They do. The clue is in the thread title. All of real history.

 

[DesNibelungen]

They do. The clue is in the thread title. All of real history.

61% chance of imprisoning Leon_Aditzu for conspiring against the thread.

*click*

Damn it. He has eluded capture and fled to another forum!

 

[Chiron]

"Independence? Whats that?"

 

[Leon_Aditzu]

They do. The clue is in the thread title. All of real history.

It isn't true. According to Paradox history, between 1444 and 1453 existed an unknown event (probably a comet) that changed the way the politics are done, a new economic system was invented (with inflation, resources and trade), navy develop ways to do battles on sea, indian and horde nations began to interact with east asia and so on.
But the biggest mystery is what happen 1821 and 1836, because the changes were significant than before.

 

[Olliganak]

January 20th, 1961: John F. Kennedy takes Seduction focus
January 25th, 1961: Marilyn Monroe, courtier to the Governor of California, becomes pregnant
January 30th, 1961: Queen Elizabeth II becomes pregnant
February 3rd, 1961: Charles de Gaulle's wife becomes pregnant
February 12th, 1961: Nikita Khrushchev's Wife becomes pregnant
February 28th, 1961: Mao Zedong's wife becomes pregnant
November 3rd, 1961: Nikita Khrushchev's son is born. Although the child possesses the Attractive trait, which neither he nor his wife possess, he suspects nothing.

 

[Ayn Mandarb]

It isn't true. According to Paradox history, between 1444 and 1453 existed an unknown event (probably a comet) that changed the way the politics are done, a new economic system was invented (with inflation, resources and trade), navy develop ways to do battles on sea, indian and horde nations began to interact with east asia and so on.
But the biggest mystery is what happen 1821 and 1836, because the changes were significant than before.

Though the thread is what happens if real history operated by CK2 rules ... not by Paradox rules.

If the question was what happens if real history operated by Paradox rules then you'd be right.

 

[enf91]

Besides, Cortes was clearly an adventurer. So he gets a kingdom CB and a free army.

 

[DesNibelungen]

One fine day in 1220

King Somebody: I'm getting bored. Convert.

One fine day in 1444

King Somebody: Ah, much better.

 

[TipTravHoot]

*In an opulent villa near the heart of Rome, two men in patrician's togas huddle about a table*

Cassius: The time has come. We must kill Caesar!
Brutus: Hm...I don't know that we have the power for this...
Cassius: Okay, let me see if Climber is interested.

---
Lucius Tilius Climber: An intriguing scheme! I shall join this plot to assassinate the tyrant!
Cassius: Alright, now! Let's get 'em!
Brutus: We should get some more people involved first.
Cassius: Ugh, okay.
---
Cassius: Hey Cicero! We're gonna kill Caesar. You in?
Cicero: Well, I hate everything he stands for and would profit by his death, but he has many admirable traits that increase my opinion of him personally. Plus, I have moral qualms about murder. So, no thanks.
Cassius: Hm, here's some gold? How about now?
Cicero: Nope.
Cassius: shit... um... hey, would you mind raising my son for me?
Cicero: Mind? Of course not! I'm honored that you would ask!
Cassius: Good, good, go along to nice Mr. Cicero, junior. Oh, by the way, wanna kill Caesar?
Cicero: An intriguing scheme!
---
Cassius: Brutus, the time has come. We must act.
Brutus: There's only like four of us...
Cassius: But we're four of the most powerful Senators in Rome! Well versed in intrigue!
Brutus: We should get some more people.
Cassius: *grumblegrumble*
---
Cassius: Hey, Casca, I wanna kill Caesar but Brutus is being a serious bitch about it. Wanna help out?
Casca: Hm, I don't know. Caesar just arranged for me to be named Tribune of Plebs.
Cassius: Meh, that's only an honorary title!
Casca: True... An intriguing scheme!
Cassius: Aha, a toast! To freedom!
---
The villa is filled to the walls, as sixty co-conspirators mill about, patiently waiting for the right moment to make their move. Oddly, none of them understand why Cassius just doesn't decide to get on with it.

A page runs in, breathless.
Page: Terrible news!
Cassius: Out with it, man!
Page: In a drunken stupor, Publius Servilius Casca blurted out the details of your plan to assassinate Caesar. The plot is exposed!
Cassius: Oh shi...

An imposing figure fills the door frame.

Marcus Antonius: Sup you conniving bitches?

 

[Hawkeye1489]

Outside Caesarea, 1101,

Baldwin I: Ahh! The Saracens have been defeated! Now we control the ancient and noble city of Caesarea! I now can set a proper Catholic Archbishop in this city!
Advisor: My liege? Unfortunately that cannot happen...
Baldwin I: and why not? Did I not just emerge victorious?
Advisor: Yes, but...
Baldwin: And do I not control this territory?
Advisor: Yes, but...
Baldwin: And am I not the King of this land?
Advisor: Yes, but there are two things, my liege must take into account. First, an Archbishop is of Duchy rank...
Baldwin: What's your point?
Advisor: Well, it just so happens that the Saracen King holds that particular title.
Baldwin: Who cares? We don't recognize him as such, we can merely usurp his unlawful use of it!
Advisor: No you can't...
Baldwin: And why the hell not?!?
Advisor: well, there is a rule that says you can only usurp titles from other rulers when they are at peace, and you see, there is a very tiny revolt going on in the middle of Libya.
Baldwin: That's practically asinine!
Advisor: To be honest, it doesn't matter anyway, you have reached you're threshold on ecclesial vassals anyway...

 

[enf91]

HRE Heinrich IV: Oh, no! I've been excommunicated! I shall visit the Pope in Canossa and beg his forgiveness.
Adviser: You can't do that, my liege.
Heinrich: I am the Emperor! I can do whatever I want!
Adviser: No, I mean you literally cannot. "Beg the Pope's forgiveness" is not a diplomatic action. You must bribe him or send your chancellor or court bishop to do the begging for you.
Heinrich: ...Fine. Send them both.
***
3 months later
Heinrich: How long does it take to kiss His Holiness's butt?
Page: Sire! A letter from the chancellor!
Heinrich: Finally! Let's see here... WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SABOTAGED RELATIONS WITH LORD?!!!??!"

 

[Jorlem]

HRE Heinrich IV: Oh, no! I've been excommunicated! I shall visit the Pope in Canossa and beg his forgiveness.
Adviser: You can't do that, my liege.
Heinrich: I am the Emperor! I can do whatever I want!
Adviser: No, I mean you literally cannot. "Beg the Pope's forgiveness" is not a diplomatic action. You must bribe him or send your chancellor or court bishop to do the begging for you.
Heinrich: ...Fine. Send them both.
***
3 months later
Heinrich: How long does it take to kiss His Holiness's butt?
Page: Sire! A letter from the chancellor!
Heinrich: Finally! Let's see here... WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SABOTAGED RELATIONS WITH LORD?!!!??!"

Page: At least the accidental insult was to some mayor, and not to His Holiness.
Heinrich: WHY WAS MY CHANCELLOR EVEN TALKING WITH SOME RANDOM MAYOR?!!!?

 

[DukeDayve]

Ottoman Empire, 1800.

Advisor: Sultan, the Greeks grow restless. Seeds of independence have been planted in their minds.
Sultan: Are you high? Greece became Turkish/Sunni and de-jure drifted like 300 years ago.

And they all lived happily ever after.

 

[Kapitalisti]

Page: At least the accidental insult was to some mayor, and not to His Holiness.
Heinrich: WHY WAS MY CHANCELLOR EVEN TALKING WITH SOME RANDOM MAYOR?!!!?

Obviously his chancellor is not a very smart man.