If Real History Operated By CK2 Rules

[aprogressivist]

"You wish to apply for a river ship navigation licence?"
"Yes, sir."
"Tell me, what god or gods do you worship?"
"The all-merciful and sublime Allah, of course!"
"Sorry, wrong answer."

 

[aprogressivist]

There is no such thing as the Habsburg Jaw, since barely any three Habsburgs are actually blood relatives.

 

[Dakilla TM]

"You wish to apply for a river ship navigation licence?"
"Yes, sir."
"Tell me, what god or gods do you worship?"
"The all-merciful and sublime Allah, of course!"
"Sorry, wrong answer."

"Ummmmm how about the All Loving and Mighty God?"
"Still not right"
"Uhhhhhh, Thor?"
"Correct! Here's your card, don't lose it! And if you do stop worshiping Thor, the card will turn into dust, and you won't be able to use rivers anymore"

 

[TipTravHoot]

And Alexander wept, for he had reached his vassal limit.

 

[Runite]

And Alexander wept, for he had reached his vassal limit.

Then he cut the vassal limit in half with his blade.

 

[Lord_P]

Afterward, Hitler posted in the Quick Answers thread, asking why Germany didn't get the White Peace he expected.

This entire chain of comments was so hilarious and inappropriate that I laughed.

 

[Zohtun]

"So, I'd like to apply to form Palestine"
"Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"No. I worship only the almighty Allah!"
"Sorry. You can call it Jerusalem if you're Christian or Israel if you're Jewish, but as you are neither you cannot form a kingdom in that area."

 

[Tyler96]

986 AD: Karling armies complete the conquest of Europe by seizing Iceland.
1679 AD: With occupation of Easter Island, Karlings rule every inch of territory on the earth, there's about 100 000 family members at this point.
1782 AD: All counties are now Frankish culture
1976 AD: The Carolus Magnus spacecraft successfully enters orbit.
2135 AD: The Karling World Empire settles Mars.

 

[Rubidium]

Xerxes: Lay down your arms!

Leonidas: Come and take them!

Xerxes: Our arrows will blot out the Sun!

Leonidas: Then we will fight in the shade!

(Later, in a bar)

Leonidas: So how was I to know he'd found some English generals to lead his flanks? Seems to have culture-shifted once a generation to keep his retinues pure archers to. Our pikemen never made it past the skirmish phase. Stackwipe.

Bartender: So how did you survive?

Leonidas: Well, part way through, I realized something: swords are sharp.

 

[Maarten99]

Leonidas: Well, part way through, I realized something: swords are sharp.

You mean : arrows are sharp !

 

[TipTravHoot]

"So, I'd like to apply to form Palestine"
"Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"No. I worship only the almighty Allah!"
"Sorry. You can call it Jerusalem if you're Christian or Israel if you're Jewish, but as you are neither you cannot form a kingdom in that area."

~Benjamin Netanyahu, Associate Producer, Crusader Kings II

 

[hvald]

Liege lord Sigurdr: - Oddr! Fetch me marshal Haraldr!

- Haraldr! We must modernize and adopt feudal practice like the other lords. We cannot keep being an unorganized rabble.
- Yes milord!
- This means that we will be undermanned while new buildings are erected for our troops.
- I suspect as much milord.
- You will be in charge in transforming the fort to a modern castle and train our troops in modern warfare.... oh, and scuttle two thirds of our fleet.
Yes mil... beg your pardon if I misunderstood you. Did you say scuttle two thirds of our fleet?
- You heard me, man! Scuttle the fleet! Frankish lords doesn't like the sea and neither should we if we aren't to fall behind.
- But lord! We have docks for our ships. There is no need to..
- Enough! Do as you are told!

Down at the docks:

- Did he explain why?
- Not really.
- Alright men! Put the ships to the torches!

 

[enf91]

1204, Venice.

Doge: We must reclaim the holy land!
Pope: Sorry, it's been only 17 years since the last crusade. You'll have to wait another 15 years.

 

[Maarten99]

1066, England

Soldier : Duke William, I have excellent news ! Against all odds, we managed to kill king Harold in battle, thus breaking the enemy's morale. London awaits us !
Duke William : We killed him ?!
Soldier : Oui ! Aren't you happy about that outcome ?
Duke William : No... That means we have to go home, our Cassus Belli is no longer valid...

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1067, England

King William : I finally managed to win... Now, my loyal vassals, I'll grant you many duchies in our new land
Count of Evreux : But Anglo-Saxons already have these titles
King William : Yes, but they are filthy traitors. I will revoke most of their lands and give it to you, my loyal men
Count of Evreux : That's breaching the feudal contract
King William : but... They are our ennemies... And you'll get their land...
Count of Evreux : It's a breach of the feudal contract and I severely condemn it.

 

[Kapitalisti]

1066, England

Soldier : Duke William, I have excellent news ! Against all odds, we managed to kill king Harold in battle, thus breaking the enemy's morale. London awaits us !
Duke William : We killed him ?!
Soldier : Oui ! Aren't you happy about that outcome ?
Duke William : No... That means we have to go home, our Cassus Belli is no longer valid...

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Except claims on a title are not dependent on the person but the title. I once seamlessly continued the war for the English crown against Harald after he defeated Harold.

 

[TMSaxon]

Alexios Komnenos (post 1095): The Turks are weakened! Quick, reclaim Western Anatolia!
Advisor: But my most noble basileus, you can only Holy War for one duchy at a time according to these rather ahistoric rules.
Alexios: But, but, but, that is my land they have...and they clearly cannot hold it...
Adviosr: Those are the rules sire.
Alexios: But how can I possibly reclaim all the territory that I need to enable my son and grandson to be as successful as they were!?!?!?!?!?!?
Advisor: The rules are the rules sire.
Alexios: But, when you click through the dates, you can SEE the way things (more or less) happened!
Advisor: The rules are the...
Alexios: Oh sod off then. Holy War for Nikaea it is then.

 

[SDSkinner]

Viking raider- come on men, lets loot Venice!

1204, Venice.

Doge: We must reclaim the holy land!
Pope: Sorry, it's been only 17 years since the last crusade. You'll have to wait another 15 years.

In fairness historically they couldn't exactly call up crusader after crusader. They certainly tried a couple times, but there is only a limited pool of knights willing and able to travel so if you run through them in the previous crusade you have to wait for the next crop of kids.

 

[DingoWalley]

In the 1500's

Hernan Cortez: "I wish to conquer lands in the New world in the name of the Spanish!"
Aide: "Sorry sir, but you cannot."
Hernan Cortez: "What? Why?"
Aide: "Four Reasons: One, you are too far away to interact with the Native Governments."
Cortez: "Well, yes, but I..."
Aide: "Two, you can only conquer de jure lands for vassals, not for lieges. The King and Queen of Spain do not serve you, you serve them."
Cortez: "That may be, but I..."
Aide: "Three, even if you could declare war on the Natives there, since you have no claim on their titles, you could only conquer one duchy at a time."
Cortez: "Those vile heathens do not have duchies!"
Aide: "Well, that's how the world is organized."
Cortez: "And what exactly is the fourth reason, squire?"
Aide: "Since you own no territory yourself, you cannot raise a fleet to go there in the first place!"

 

[MishaTX]

1066, England

Soldier : Duke William, I have excellent news ! Against all odds, we managed to kill king Harold in battle, thus breaking the enemy's morale. London awaits us !
Duke William : We killed him ?!
Soldier : Oui ! Aren't you happy about that outcome ?
Duke William : No... That means we have to go home, our Cassus Belli is no longer valid....

Duke William: You KILLED him??? You MORON!!!!! If you'd captured him, it'd have been instant 100% warscore, war over and we could all go home! Now they'll keep fighting as he's merely dead!

 

[FreeSoc]

1202, France

Philip II: John of Anjou, you scoundrel, I declare you forfeit of all your lands in France! You may be King of England, but here you are my vassal, and you have defied me once too often!
King John: Actually, no I'm not. Being an independent king means that I can never be a vassal to anyone else for anything at all.
Philip II: But feudal laws and cust-
King John: They magically don't apply. According to the Lord who governs the Universe, "Clausewitz", independents can't be vassals for anything! AHAHAHAHAHA!