If Real History Operated By CK2 Rules

[Kapitalisti]

And the Spanish Armada successfully transported Spanish troops from the Spanish Netherlands to England. Cause the English ships just couldn't touch the Spanish ships (and vice versa)

And the Duke of Parma goes all Mongol on the English troops with his Spanish doomstack.

But soon the English longbows slaughter all the weak Iberian troops.

 

[Urzhail64]

But soon the English longbows slaughter all the weak Iberian troops.

Parma: "Madre Dios ! Oh god, let me reach the melee phase with enough troops ! Oh god..please...!"

 

[Admiral]

A day in the life of Barack Obama as explained by CK2 mechanics:

Barack Obama wakes up for his daily intelligence briefing:

Spymaster John Brennan: Mr. President, a high Intrigue courtier by the name of Edward Snowden has copied and leaked classified information.
Obama: Imprison.
Spymaster John Brennan: Try to imprison Snowden of USA. We have a 50% chance of success based on our relative State Intrigue. If we fail, he might declare war on us or flee to another court. Using this option will be viewed as justified as some and tyrannical by others, causing a +40 or -40 opinion penalty depending on the character.
Obama: Send.
*waits*

There's also a national security briefing:
Obama: Tell me about these ISIS guys.
Marshal Ashton Carter: Apparently they're a Horde with kingdom claims on Iraq and Syria.
Obama: What about Factions?
Marshal Ashton Carter: There's this guy called Ammon Bundy who wants something changed about the way the Federal government owns land, but he'll never do anything because his army is .000018% the size of ours.
Obama: But he's certainly passionate about his cause, regardless of whether or not one agrees.
Marshal Ashton Carter: Well believe it or not, no matter how strong their beliefs, people never act in rebellion or against the government until they're even more powerful than it, because that's how rebellion and revolutions work. When people are angry at the government, no one ever does protests, small scale military actions or acts of civil disobedience, commits themselves to low-intensity guerilla warfare, or just goes out on a limb and rebels anyway since they're just that dedicated and don't care about the odds or want to send a message or martyr themselves. Nope. In the real world, you're either powerful enough to take on the government directly in a conventionally-fought civil war, or you sit with your thumb up your butt and do absolutely nothing. There is absolutely no intermediate area between these extremes because that's just how being angry at the government works.

Obama then goes to a press conference:

New Reporter: President Obama, what is your plan to withdraw the troops from Iraq?
Obama: Highlight all US forces in Iraq then click the "Disband Unit" button. This will make all our soldiers teleport home safely.
Marshal Ashton Carter (whispering): Uh, Mr. President, because there's some terrorist cells still in the country, only 1,525 of our 3,050 troops will be able to return home.

Obama goes home to his daughters:

Obama: Now Malia, I need you to get married to Theresa May, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, a very important part of NATO.
Malia: Why would I want to do that? Both of us are straight and she's 42 years older than me.
Obama: Maintaining a 28-member alliance with only two children is way harder than anything you'll ever go through, sweetie.

Just then, an aide comes rushing in:
Aide: Mr. President, the results of your Imprison attempt!
Obama: Excellent *opens letter and reads aloud* Snowden managed to avoid my guardsmen and fled to the court of King Putin.

 

[Mattiasp74]

When i started playing CK2 i always thought the Vasas on the Swedish throne was something out of CK2.
Gustav I became king and overthrew the Danes. Got married three times. One rebellion. Broke with the catholic church and put Sweden through reformation.
9 kids
Heir to the throne turned out to be crazy and assasinated people he belived was against him. Ended up dying in jail.
The next brother married his son Sigismund to the Polish throne, then that union made Sweden rebell and force Sigismund to leave Sweden
Next son fought the Danes and challenged the king of Denmark to a Duel
His son became Gustav II Adolf of 30 year fame.
Gustav I also had a daughter who was engaged, but slept around and when she was discovered in the act the guy in question lost parts of himself
Gustav and sons also had so many affairs that today a large portion of the Swedes are related to him.

 

[adriankowaty]

When i started playing CK2 i always thought the Vasas on the Swedish throne was something out of CK2.
Gustav I became king and overthrew the Danes. Got married three times. One rebellion. Broke with the catholic church and put Sweden through reformation.
9 kids
Heir to the throne turned out to be crazy and assasinated people he belived was against him. Ended up dying in jail.
The next brother married his son Sigismund to the Polish throne, then that union made Sweden rebell and force Sigismund to leave Sweden
Next son fought the Danes and challenged the king of Denmark to a Duel
His son became Gustav II Adolf of 30 year fame.
Gustav I also had a daughter who was engaged, but slept around and when she was discovered in the act the guy in question lost parts of himself
Gustav and sons also had so many affairs that today a large portion of the Swedes are related to him.

Add to it that Vasas family origins from peasantry, so the first Vasa could be hated by everyone.

 

[King_of_Spain]

2017: The Queen tweaks inheritance law to be more in line with the UK's Northern European culture. Then she dies. Charles inherits England, but her other sons Edward and Andrew inherit Scotland and Wales each, and declare independence.

 

[Zohtun]

2017: The Queen tweaks inheritance law to be more in line with the UK's Northern European culture. Then she dies. Charles inherits England, but her other sons Edward and Andrew inherit Scotland and Wales each, and declare independence.

Did you mean: "Gavelkind"?

 

[Panicsferd]

I got one that I experience daily on ck2 with reaper's due and this is how it would happen in real life:

You are feeling sick so you go see your physician to see what is wrong with you.

Physician: *after doing some tests* it looks like you have Cancer.
You: Dang, so what is the treatment Doc?
Physician: Don't worry I'll take good care of you. *grabs a bonesaw*
You: What are yo-
Physician: The Cancer is in your hand, so it needs to be removed for you to be cured.
*the Physician then proceeds to cut off your hand*
You: Argghghhg
Physician: It looks like my treatment was correct, the cancer has been removed.

I guess in CK2 it doesn't matter what illness you have, the magical cure is cutting of the infected limb.

 

[King_of_Spain]

Did you mean: "Gavelkind"?

You're on the money. Bane of my life.

 

[Telenil]

There's also a national security briefing:
Obama: Tell me about these ISIS guys.
Marshal Ashton Carter: Apparently they're a Horde with kingdom claims on Iraq and Syria.

Awesome post, though I thought ISIS used Holy Wars/Subjugate rather than claims.

 

[Aries666]

Awesome post, though I thought ISIS used Holy Wars/Subjugate rather than claims.

Caliph Baghdadi declared the sunni jihad for k_Syria but his threat level was so high that e_USA and e_Russia were able to join the defenders.

 

[ramius3443]

Caliph Baghdadi declared the sunni jihad for k_Syria but his threat level was so high that e_USA and e_Russia were able to join the defenders.

E_America joined with the Kurdish Independence rebels and the kingdom of Iraq though, not the Kingdom of Syria

Pretty sure this is being handled by alliances, not by the heresy of threat

 

[Caspoi]

Caliph Baghdadi declared the sunni jihad for k_Syria but his threat level was so high that e_USA and e_Russia were able to join the defenders.

Now that is completely ridicolous, everyone knows that you can't join a coalition against someone weaker than you.

 

[Admiral]

Awesome post, though I thought ISIS used Holy Wars/Subjugate rather than claims.

Good point. Also, I was originally stuck between whether to call ISIS an Adventurer or a Horde. I decided on the latter since they don't seem to be focused on a singular core leader upon which their entire cause is built around. Maybe Al-Qaeda could have been an Adventure led by Osama Bin Laden, though.

Was that your favorite joke? Mine was actually the Snowden joke. I contemplated leaving out it (since it's such a touchy issue), but how the whole thing went down in real life was way too close to the whole "courtier flees to another country" mechanic not to draw a connection to. The NATO one is my second favorite since it shows how insane marriages can be when purely motivated by politics as well as the punchline by Obama, though I have to give credit in that the idea of maintaining NATO through marriages has already been mocked before by other posters. Although, perhaps second place should really go to the "withdraw troops by disbanding and teleporting them", since that has always struck me as the most hilariously unrealistic thing in the whole game. Sure, you may have sailed for weeks or marched for months to get to the warzone, but withdraw with teleportation! Even more hilarious is the gamey tactic of disbanding your entire military then instantly re-raising it to escape destruction. Speaking of which, I have an idea for a new post...

 

[Admiral]

Dunkirk Evacuation, 1940:

It is a dire situation. Having overrun all of France within all of six weeks, the Germans have surrounded hundreds of thousands of British troops, their backs literally against the ocean. One final push and the Third Reich will have achieved a devastating blow to Allied manpower and morale. Yet against all odds, military warships along with the help of hundreds of lifeboats, pleasure craft, and fishing boats were able to evacuate almost the entirely of the force.

Actually no, that didn't happen. Since all his troops were still in Allied territory, Winston Churchill just disbanded the BEF and re-reaised it in Britain. Hitler immediately began to seriously set Operation Lion into motion (the plan to invade Great Britain), but was horrified as his generals explained that the latest patches had enabled naval combat; the transports for Hitler's infamous Panzers would never be able to saunter past the entire Royal Navy like they normally should.

Later, when German bombers and fighters were detected with errie regularity by the Brits, Hitler went to the forums to denounce them as "hackers", as well as along with calling the Spitfire as "OP as the Russian Winter Attrition rates", only for someone to reply that there was this new "RAdio Detection And Ranging" mechanic in the new patch as well.

 

[zach6844]

this thread is my absolute favorite.

 

[iquabakaner]

2017: The Queen tweaks inheritance law to be more in line with the UK's Northern European culture. Then she dies. Charles inherits England, but her other sons Edward and Andrew inherit Scotland and Wales each, and declare independence.

Umm... What about all the personal unions in the Commonwealth (and Northern Ireland)?

 

[Telenil]

Dunkirk Evacuation, 1940:

It is a dire situation. Having overrun all of France within all of six weeks, the Germans have surrounded hundreds of thousands of British troops, their backs literally against the ocean. One final push and the Third Reich will have achieved a devastating blow to Allied manpower and morale. Yet against all odds, military warships along with the help of hundreds of lifeboats, pleasure craft, and fishing boats were able to evacuate almost the entirely of the force.

Actually no, that didn't happen. Since all his troops were still in Allied territory, Winston Churchill just disbanded the BEF and re-reaised it in Britain.

That was inspired! It obviously helped with the warscore, but it also saved time, the British would have been out of action for a few weeks until their troops had completed their shattered retreat through the German lines that surrounded them.

This reminds me of the terrible fate of the Paulus army at Stalingrad. Hitler couldn't disband them that winter because they were in hostile territory, and their shattered retreat took them to Army Group B... who was fighting in the Caucasian mountains. Men died like flies as soon as their officers managed to rally them.

 

[StarSword]

Good point. Also, I was originally stuck between whether to call ISIS an Adventurer or a Horde. I decided on the latter since they don't seem to be focused on a singular core leader upon which their entire cause is built around. Maybe Al-Qaeda could have been an Adventure led by Osama Bin Laden, though.

I happen to like the "decadence revolt" one I read about on an earlier post in this thread.

 

[King_of_Spain]

Umm... What about all the personal unions in the Commonwealth (and Northern Ireland)?

You tell me!