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Jestor

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Altmann of Passau hated his life.

He was 21 years old and the count of an impoverished German backwater. Now, most people would consider being a count cool, because it meant noble title, but in Altmann's case, it was all a joke.

You see, Altmann wasn't his real name, nor was of Passau his family's name. It was all a horrible, ironic nickname given to him by an old schoolmate of his, who was currently the Duke of Thuringia.

"You're the old man of Passau!", Ludwig soon-to-be-Duke had cried, "So we'll call you Altmann von Passau!" Altmann or better said, Jochaim, for -that- was his actual name, detested the nickname, so of course everyone immediately started calling him that.

It was bad enough when his fellow nobles did it, but then the peasants picked up on it and from then on, he was stuck. The of Passau part he could live with, since he -was- the Count of Passau... but Altmann, no.

Sighing, he poked his chubby face out over the balcony of his wretched little fort and looked at the small town below.

It got cold here in Germany and the women weren't so pretty, either. He longed to be someplace warm, where the girls were lovely and nobody thought Altmann was a bad thing to be called.

Somewhere like Spain.

As Jochaim started turning his thoughts in that direction, he was interrupted by a loud throat-clearing behind him.

"I say, Altmann! Isn't it about time you married my daughter?"

Jochaim sighed and turned around to eye his marshal, Kuno von Schweinfurt. At least there was someone else who had a worst last name than him as it translated into something like Pig Fart. Kuno of Pig Fart. The thought of it made the count smile, just a tiny bit.

Then he remembered Pigfart's daughter, Adelaide, and the smile disappeared.

Obese, ugly, and with a prodigal talent for getting into other people's business, she was in charge of discovering everyone's secrets. Which basically meant that she gossiped with all the old women in town all day long.

"Err... well... you see, marriage for a count is a very, very serious thing. It isn't something that should be taken lightly you know" Jochaim offered.

Kuno snorted.

"Oh come off it, Altmann! Who would marry your fat ass except my daughter? Sure she's not a looker, but she's been getting trained by some French girls, if you know what I mean."

The marshal's wink-wink-nudge-nudge failed to impress Jochaim, who simply grunted.

"What's so great about French girls, anyway? Why does every troubador sing the praises of French women and why do all the jesters tell stories about beautiful, blonde French girls?"

"Because they're pretty and blonde?" Marshal Pigfart shrugged his shoulders, "And they've been teaching my daughter some neat tricks! Or so I hear... so marry her already!"

"Umm... I can't. I.. uhhh... sent the chancellor to Iberia to find me a wife!"

Kuno glowered at his liege.

"What?! You don't even have a chancellor!"

"Look! A French girl!"

As Jochaim pointed, Kuno whirled around to look. When the marshal turned back, about to bellow his outrage at the count's deceit, there was only empty air.

"Curses! Foiled again! He'll marry my daughter though, or I will know the reason why!"
 

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Twenty-six views and no replies? How terrible, considering its great start! I'm already immersed in the story, and feel Altmann's pain in having such a cruel nickname, and his lofty dream of Iberian paradise that contrasts so harshly with his present surroundings. Dream on, Altmann von Passau. Dream on.
 

Jestor

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anonymous4401 said:
Twenty-six views and no replies? How terrible, considering its great start! I'm already immersed in the story, and feel Altmann's pain in having such a cruel nickname, and his lofty dream of Iberian paradise that contrasts so harshly with his present surroundings. Dream on, Altmann von Passau. Dream on.

Thanks :) This is my crappy attempt at a comedy AAR, but I'm not a master like you, phargle, Fiftypence, or Farquharson, just to name a few.
 

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Strategos ton Exkoubitores
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*Subscribes*
 

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Dreaming of Granada in Germany, eh? Well it could be more delusional. It could be Tunisia in Wales. Good luck with this, very amusing beginning.
 

Jestor

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Severance: Glad to hear it! :)

Chief Ragusa Thanks :) And Jochaim shudders at the idea of marrying Spymistress Pigfart. :D

Fulcrumvale: Welcome aboard! :)

JimboIX: :D That dream post is still one of my favourites I've written in a CK AAR. And thank you :)

Note:
Progress will be quite slow in this AAR for the following reasons:
1) My main focus will still be on The Beautiful Girl and the History Class
2) I have to be in the right mood to try and write comedy :)
 

Gul Brown

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I dont have crusader kings and i dont have much time to read AARs.

I was just reading a few and stumbled upon this, that start has me interested and now i wish to read more! :)

I will await an update.

Lets hope Alt..ahem..Jochaim cant find a nice lass who isnt an overweight gossip *shudders* ;)


Subscribed!
 

Jestor

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Gul Brown: Thanks and glad to hear it! :)
 

Jestor

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One not-so-fine January morning, Jochaim von Passau was walking along a chilly and snowy road with the only three members of his court when he saw a stunning sight.

There, walking in his direction, was a lovely young woman with dark colouring that he hoped might be a Spanish girl.

He hailed her, waving his short, stubby arms.

"Fair maiden! Are you Spanish?"

"No, I'm Castillian" she replied, stopping.

"Oh." Despite his crushing disappointment, Jochaim reminded himself that she was pretty and certainly not Marshal Pigfart's daughter.

"Do you want to be married, then? I'm a Count you know!"

She smiled with all the warmth of a sun, "Certainly. I have always wished to be married to a noble."

"I object!" cried Marshal Kuno, fearing the loss of his plans to have his grandsons ruling Passau "You don't even have a priest!"

"Oh, but they do!" interjected an old man in a cleric's garb who appeared behind them, "I'm the parish priest of the village a stone's throw away from here. Allow me to demonstrate."

And so saying, the elderly curate lifted up a small rock by the side of the road and threw it. It hit the roof of the house standing three feet away from the road.

"See? That's the start of Stadt, which I'm the priest of."

Marshal Kuno looked defeated, the prospective new couple delighted.

"Before I marry you two, I must know your names and where you're from" continued the timely cleric.

"I am Count Jochaim von Passau", said the only nobleman present gravely.

"And I am Urraca Jimenez of Navarra as of two seconds ago." answered the Castillian-but-not-Spanish girl.

"Navarra!" echoed an amazed Jochaim, "But however did you get here from there at so fast a speed?"

His bride-to-be pointed to a strange, large iron contraption, "Somebody pushed me into that thing and the next thing I knew, I was here."

"Bless my soul!" the priest exclaimed, "I've heard of this wonderful invention, but have never seen one in person."

"What is it?" Urraca asked.

The priest beckoned them all for a closer look and the crowd gathered round.

The curious object was shaped in a manner like so:

XX

"It's a Deuce X Machina!" the curate proudly announced, "It was built by a cunning Venetian who wanted to be able to get out of a sticky situation whenever possible."

His audience gaped in marvel at his words and the machina he indicated.

"That's incredible!" the incredulous Jochaim cried.

"Yes, well, let's see about getting you married, shall we?" replied the priest affably.

"Yes, let's!" Urraca firmly answered.

There was a long and dramatic pause of a half-second while the local cleric drew himself up to a commanding five feet.

"I pronounce you... married!"

"...." was the universal reaction as all stared at the priest with blank faces.

"...That's it?" asked Marshal Kuno.

"That's it! Instant marriage!" the priest cheerfully confirmed.

"Now that we're married" Jochaim asided to his unblushing new bride, "I must apologize for the cold here in Germany. It's probably much warmer in Navarra."

"Indeed it is", answered Urraca serenely, "Even in these winter months, it gets into the 50s and 60s."

"The 50s and 60s!" For the umpteenth time that morning, the Count was stunned, "Why, it's a wonder you haven't been melted away to nothing but a short little stub!"

"No", she replied, "I'm Farenheit."

"Yes, you are fair in height", Jochaim readily agreed.

The count turned to the priest, "Since you have done me this wonderful service, would you like to be my diocese bishop? I have none at the moment."

The priest smiled and held up his wrinkled hand, "No, no, thank you but none of that for me. I've taken a vow of poverty and everyone knows that bishops are rich."

"But where shall I find a bishop?" wailed the crestfallen count.

"Oh, the Pope will send somebody sooner or later. It takes the Vatican a few years, you know. And then they'll send somebody as old or older than me, whose Latin is so bad only a pig can understand him."

As Jochaim fell into despondency at this unhappy picture, the cleric and Urraca fell into discussion of her homeland.

"Ah, Navarra" sighed the priest, "It seems like only yesterday that I-"

*CRACK. BOOM.*

The Deuce X Machina fell over, splattering the parish priest.

The shocked onlookers stared at the bloody spot where the cleric had been.

"I... I never knew his name" stammered Jochaim.

"He was only a minor character anyway", Kuno pointed out.

The steward, who had until now been completely silent, spoke up.

"His name was Robert Paulson."

"Poulsen?" the count raised a brow quizzically, glancing at his steward, "Isn't that Swedish? How did I get a Swedish priest in my German county?"

"His name was Robert Paulson" said Urraca in a clear voice.

"His name was Robert Paulson", Marshal Pigfart and his daughter chimed in.

Soon everyone was chanting, "His name was Robert Paulson" save for the Count, who was still staring at them in befuddlement.

Just then, the town cook of Stadt walked up to them.

"Meatloaf, anyone?"
 
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Strategos ton Exkoubitores
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Brilliant. :)
 

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Passau is a very small county.

Joachim's married to a Castillian Catholic from Navarra. These Jimenz get everywhere. Now we know how!

Will the Pigfarts defect? Who will the Poope send to be Diocese Bishop?
 

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Deus ex Machina. It explains everything.
 

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Robert Paulson, I believe it is spelled.
 

Jestor

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Fulcrumvale: Thank you :) I enjoyed some of the humour myself.

Chief Ragusa: Small and poor, to be sure! I wonder if the Knytlings use a similiar device to spread across Europe :D

JimboIX: Indeed :D All hail the Deuce X Machina! ;)

anonymous4401: Erg! You're correct, sir. There goes that joke :( *goes to change it*