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I can't just accept their demands of war with every single neighbor including allies, and the popularity of my ruler doesn't help much, is there some way to have a positive modifier?
I find your always gonna have those disloyal few. High ruler popularity and trying not to put any of these disloyal people in positions of power is a good idea. If it comes down to it and you feel someones to disloyal even to just have sitting around imprison them. you get tryanny but you gotta judge if its worth it.
If your kinda deperate just rely on a loyal and hopefully able few. just grant them all the important positions and use bribes and titles to keep them that way.
Something i like to do if a general got a bunch of loyal units while i wasnt looking is to maroon them during peace time on a island. hope i helped i find pos loyalty modifiers are harder to rely on getting so your better off just dealing the best you can with whos loyal enough.
I just solve the problem of incoming civil war... The province where I stationed my heir with 2 archer units happens to have a revolt of 17 units, and... he won, giving him 60 popularity, and every single member of the government now considers him the right heir.