The Kingdom of Aragon - Home of his 2nd Most Catholic Majesty
Excerpts from 'What did Aragon do for us?' by Francesco Totti (not the AS Roma player) in 1822:
Chapter 1: The Iberian pecking order
... The Kings of Aragon had always resented their Castilian neighbours, for they were like the obstinate older brother. Their kings entitled themselves 'Most Catholic Majesty', so Aragon's had to settle for '2nd Most Catholic Majesty': understandably inadequate for their regal egos. What the 3rd (Portugal) and 4th (Navarra) Most Catholic Majesties thought was just disgusting and inappropriate for a modern publication
...
Chapter 4: Alfonso with the Big Buns?
... Alfonso V rose to the throne in 1419 and was a very successful king, yet managed to acquire the nickname 'Alfonso with the Big Buns'. He was notably anti-Orthodox, and his first order was to exile all Orthodox believers to Malta. That would have been fine but there were none in his Kingdom. Zero. Nil. Nada.
He was, however, a fine reformer and diplomat. His inheritance was a kingdom that spanned the Mediterranean from Spain to Italy, and was average in wealth. He had stability, and sent tax collectors out to take advantage. He put his Iberian ambition behind him to forge an alliance with Portugal, Castile and Navarra that would bring him strength.
He had eyes on his basque neighbours in Navarra and after a string of affairs he married the beautiful Marie dos Basque-ness in Feb 1420. On this matter it was probably best he was a king because otherwise he could never married as he was a spotty, four-eyed, mullet-topped, genocidal, manky, hairy gink.
In September came his first taste of War as he joined Castile in war on Granada. Portugal declined and left the alliance. His general Mallorca failed to relieve the Castilian defenders in Andalusia twice over the winter of 1421/2 and was summarily fired in a blaze of pointing and laughing from his officers. After further blows traded Castile sued for peace worth 54 ducats.
During this time came news that the Hundred Years war ended with France and England making peace. After Two Years. One can't imagine what happened during the other 98.
In September 1425 at the annual ball for the 'Iberians look like the Italians' movement, the Prince of Naples came up to Alfonso and stared at his four eyes with his googlie eyes and said "You know, we look far too alike for good measure, old chum.". Alfonso replied loudly "Right! That's IT! I've had it with you people! WAR!". Apparently a Cassus Belli came from nowhere those days.
With troops being raised on the mainland, General Saragossa led a landing against Naples' allies Modena with a force of 20k and succeeded in besieging Emilia. In Sicily General Barcelona went on the defensive in Messina, holding it twice during 1426. Admiral Vicentillo led the fleet to two victories in the waters north of Sicily at this time.
December saw Alfonso's first great victory: the annexation of Modena. It was a proud moment for him and he ordered a lavish ceremony with Sean Bean as host. However, if anyone has seen him on Aragonian chatshows of the time such as Frankos Skinneros or Grahamo Nortona they'll know his lack of any personality renders him a poor choice in this regard. Alfonso walked out in acne-stinging tears after 21 seconds.
By March 1428 his forces had marched up the Italian peninsula and succeeded in taking Napoli and Apulia, resulting in Naples becoming a vassal and Apulia joining Aragon. For this celebration he chose the setting to be Noel Edmond's Crinkly Bottom. His father, Dave (from Chaz and Dave fame), obviously didn't teach him much about how to celebrate before he kopped it while performing his hit 'Snooker Loopy' to the 'Aragon for the gonads' society...
Excerpts from 'What did Aragon do for us?' by Francesco Totti (not the AS Roma player) in 1822:
Chapter 1: The Iberian pecking order
... The Kings of Aragon had always resented their Castilian neighbours, for they were like the obstinate older brother. Their kings entitled themselves 'Most Catholic Majesty', so Aragon's had to settle for '2nd Most Catholic Majesty': understandably inadequate for their regal egos. What the 3rd (Portugal) and 4th (Navarra) Most Catholic Majesties thought was just disgusting and inappropriate for a modern publication
...Chapter 4: Alfonso with the Big Buns?
... Alfonso V rose to the throne in 1419 and was a very successful king, yet managed to acquire the nickname 'Alfonso with the Big Buns'. He was notably anti-Orthodox, and his first order was to exile all Orthodox believers to Malta. That would have been fine but there were none in his Kingdom. Zero. Nil. Nada.
He was, however, a fine reformer and diplomat. His inheritance was a kingdom that spanned the Mediterranean from Spain to Italy, and was average in wealth. He had stability, and sent tax collectors out to take advantage. He put his Iberian ambition behind him to forge an alliance with Portugal, Castile and Navarra that would bring him strength.
He had eyes on his basque neighbours in Navarra and after a string of affairs he married the beautiful Marie dos Basque-ness in Feb 1420. On this matter it was probably best he was a king because otherwise he could never married as he was a spotty, four-eyed, mullet-topped, genocidal, manky, hairy gink.
In September came his first taste of War as he joined Castile in war on Granada. Portugal declined and left the alliance. His general Mallorca failed to relieve the Castilian defenders in Andalusia twice over the winter of 1421/2 and was summarily fired in a blaze of pointing and laughing from his officers. After further blows traded Castile sued for peace worth 54 ducats.
During this time came news that the Hundred Years war ended with France and England making peace. After Two Years. One can't imagine what happened during the other 98.
In September 1425 at the annual ball for the 'Iberians look like the Italians' movement, the Prince of Naples came up to Alfonso and stared at his four eyes with his googlie eyes and said "You know, we look far too alike for good measure, old chum.". Alfonso replied loudly "Right! That's IT! I've had it with you people! WAR!". Apparently a Cassus Belli came from nowhere those days.
With troops being raised on the mainland, General Saragossa led a landing against Naples' allies Modena with a force of 20k and succeeded in besieging Emilia. In Sicily General Barcelona went on the defensive in Messina, holding it twice during 1426. Admiral Vicentillo led the fleet to two victories in the waters north of Sicily at this time.
December saw Alfonso's first great victory: the annexation of Modena. It was a proud moment for him and he ordered a lavish ceremony with Sean Bean as host. However, if anyone has seen him on Aragonian chatshows of the time such as Frankos Skinneros or Grahamo Nortona they'll know his lack of any personality renders him a poor choice in this regard. Alfonso walked out in acne-stinging tears after 21 seconds.
By March 1428 his forces had marched up the Italian peninsula and succeeded in taking Napoli and Apulia, resulting in Naples becoming a vassal and Apulia joining Aragon. For this celebration he chose the setting to be Noel Edmond's Crinkly Bottom. His father, Dave (from Chaz and Dave fame), obviously didn't teach him much about how to celebrate before he kopped it while performing his hit 'Snooker Loopy' to the 'Aragon for the gonads' society...
