Heroes Of Belgorod-A Pecheneg AAR

[EvilSanta]

This is my first serious attempt of AAR. Im playing Tribe of Pechenegs in 1066 scenario. No mods, except DivineShadows Muslim mod to allow me to play pagans. Updates will be infrequent and low on quality.


If my humor doesnt make you laugh, problem is you, not my humor

This is me. Kabuksin Of Belgorod. Thanks a lot parents for naming me Kabuksin. I have never seen them,through.Thanks a lot for that, parents. I am 27 year old like all my vassals. And no one knows their parents. I wonder what happened 28 years ago?

Red area is what I rule, land of Pechenegs. My land follows elective law. I think its rather riskful as I have no lands to give to my son. Nor son to give land...Elective law is great, lets just keep it within my family. So I institute Salic Consanquity. May the best warrior win, like in good old days. Despite Pecheneg lands are rather large, it doesnt mean I cant be poor. Byzantines make more money in Constantinople than what I do in my whole chiefdom...



I wonder what my soldiers use for fightning.



I wonder what my peasants use for farming.



I wonder what...you got the picture



A man with such ridicilous name deserves to be my steward!

Oh...



My other advisors are Teber Percsényi as my marshal, Bayca Losonczi as my spymaster and Suru Garai as my chancellor.With these men future of Pechenegs looks bright.

If I believed in God, I would pray for new advisors...




I got an alliance offer from some primitive pagans in the middle of nowhere. Its like I have found a brother! Hes born in 1039 too. Its like all Pagans had huge sex party back then.



Hey, I was the one supposed to start wars and await you to rescue me! Deal with your on wars...

If I was christian, God would hate me.



I call Estates General. With the money I bought booze.



I knew that last bottle was too much...



Does Kabuksin buy more booze? Is he going to attack christians or convert to one? Does he help his ally? What happened in 1038?

 

[Veldmaarschalk]

The first pagan AAR, I think at least, but it is at least the first pagan humor AAR

 

[unmerged(17581)]

Half of your readers now demand spaces after your periods and commas.

 

[EvilSanta]

Half of your readers now demand spaces after your periods and commas.

What? I got readers?

 

[unmerged(17581)]

Of course not! We're just posting replies without reading to increase our postcount!

 

[EvilSanta]

My humor is like mämmi. Very few like it, too many hate it

My wife is pregnant. Best thing to do is to go for vacation.

County of Tmutarakan looks like a good target. Its vassal of Duchy Of Pronsk but as my dear allies fight them, I can take it out.


I was hoping for a nice cruise in Black Sea but my wife said its too expensive and forced me to march there by land.

Now understand why I want away?



I hope its safe to go home now.



I name him Batan as it rhimes with Satan.



Kabuksin dies. Now I feel weird...Luckily I have vassal named Kabuksin.Im not total weirdo.



Kabuksins family decides to help me in war against infidels. Like its christians fault that Kabuksin died.




My wife is in sorrow. I better go for vacation. Chernigov looks like a good target.




Just give me 2 days I get this castle down. Oh, Im attacked by army of few retreating russians. Im going to show them how to fight.

Oh crap...



Among 10 Pecheneg casualties was Kabuksin The Not-So-Great.


What will happen to Pechenegs? Can they get peace deal with Russians? Can Batan conquer the world?

 

[EvilSanta]

My humor is like British Eurovision artists:lousy at best

My name is Batan and Im 1 year old ruler. My plot against my daddy succeeded. Now I have to get rid of my mommy. I hate her! I dont really want to kill her because of kinslayer trait, I just dont want her to be alive anymore.



My daddys former ally wants to ally me? No thanks, Im evil and evil men dont need friends.



I still have my war against Rurikoviches going.

That moron Korkutan manages to win against Oleg. I cant wait until Im old enough to lead armies. *drools*

What the douche? Im sounding like a fat yellow moron.



Maybe I should let Korkutan live. Hes doing pretty good for a bald guy.



I decide to call Estates like my daddy. Unlike my daddy, I use money for world domination, not alcohol.



Because Im evil, I disbanded Korkutans army that consisted mostly my troops and mobilised my vassal armies so I dont have to pay for them. Im so evil Im scared of myself.



Celgil defeats Gleb in Novgorod Seversky. First thing I do when Im leader of the world is to rename that place. And look at that nose of Gleb. Iyyywww!



Russian armies are defeated. Onwards, my mindless vassals! For a 3 year old I think I have achieved quite a lot.



I feel like my daddys pray is taking its toll now. Thanks a lot daddy, now I have to assign your wife to spy master.Ugh.



Nose monstrosity wants peace. Well,I let you have...war!Evil men dont take peace offers.




Does Batan manage to beat Russians? Does he conquer the world? Is he too evil?

 

[unmerged(17581)]

Please take out the imageshack links from your pictures. It's quite annoying.

 

[EvilSanta]

Please take out the imageshack links from your pictures. It's quite annoying.

Imageshack makes that imagecode ready in its page so I just copypaste it here.It adds that link with it.Its so much faster.And come on,only way you even know there is link is to put mouse on one of pics.And it only changes cursor to hand,it cant be THAT annoying.

 

[unmerged(17581)]

It is.

 

[EvilSanta]

edit:Instead of editing post,I created new one so I use this one to reply to what few posts have come

The invention of chickens is a well-guarded secret. Even if you wanted to know, you will never find out.

I can imagine hairy Pecheneg man doing it with...no I cant imagine that!

The first pagan AAR, I think at least, but it is at least the first pagan humor AAR

I figured that if I dont want to be worst at something,I have to be first at something.It didnt really work out since Im still worst in my category.

 

[unmerged(17581)]

The invention of chickens is a well-guarded secret. Even if you wanted to know, you will never find out.

 

[EvilSanta]

My humor is like Finlands football team: never gets anywhere


Another alliance offer? Evil men...you know the rest

Time to put money into good use declare myself High Chief Of Wallachia. Uuu, I love fancy titles!

My "scientists" invented chickens. I really dont want to know about how they did it.

Evil men dont...wait! This time evil man does make an ally. By allying major russian christian power, I can keep other russians away. Brilliant!

The final stand of Pronskians. My evil plan worked. For 4 year old Im pretty evil I must say.

WHAT? THESE FOOLS REVOLT AGAINST MY EVIL RULE? They shall pay.

I declare myself as High Chief Of Moldau to get prestige so I can make a totally ridicilous claim to those chiefdoms. I wonder why we pagans have to follow christian customs. Wer pagans, we all have different gods, for one of my gods sake. And why should future world ruler follow any rules?

Does Batan conquer the revolters?How did Pechenegs invent chickens?Who is Batans grandfather?

 

[EvilSanta]

My good jokes as rare as Swedish warheroes

My "scientists" invented goats. I really dont want to know how they did it



Ryazan is first revolter to face my wrath. Nobody makes Batan look a like fool!



Take this Ryazan! This feels better than the time I conquered last Prosnk province.



Popes messenger comes to my castle to say me I should crusade. I tell him Im pagan.



I dont really like beeing called a child. Im 5 already. Im going to army like every great dictator.



Going to army calls for a sexy party


How does Bazan do in army? What happened in sexy party? What does christians do?



Wasnt able to find real sexy party clip where Stewie runs with those women since YouTube has started banning Family Guy clips.

 

[EvilSanta]

My humor could be worse


My vassal gets attacked by Prince of Moscow. I wet myself. Thats not because of Moscow through. Im a kid.



Where were you when Moskva attacked me? Christians are like French. Always asking for military help doing nothing themselves.



Another rebel bites the dust.



I crown myself High Chief of Moskva. Suddenly everyone respects me more.

Somehow my vassal managed to get captured by 80 rebels when he was accompanied by 2600 men. Its like he knocked at their door or something. And Im the one to be blamed for that! Feudal system sucks. Its too evil even for me. And people think Im bad boy when I annex rebellious chiefs to my rule. Its so evil not even I cant think of anything like that.



It feels good when rebels knee before me and beg for mercy. I accept the offer but dont give him mercy.



My vassal called Hungarians and Croatians dumber than Poles. Im not giving him military help. I revoke his title and suddenly Croatians and Hungarians dont feel like they should continue their siege anymore. Im evil.




Does more vassals call Hungarians dumb? Does Batan get more people beg for mercy? Who French call for help this time?

 

[unmerged(17581)]

He's a kid, he's not a kid, he should really make up his mind.

 

[EvilSanta]

He's a kid, he's not a kid, he should really make up his mind.

Hes a really twisted child. Soon a tragical change will happen in his life to make his character even more confusing.

 

[EvilSanta]

My sense of humor is like hard-working Mexican- It doesnt exist

I throught I got rid of that nose. Some how he managed to get himself as count right south of Belgorod , which I gave away to make me magically more effective and better boy.



He is vassal of Prince of Varna that has broke away from Byzantines. Evil sound inside tells me to attack.



This feels better than last time I destroyed him.



Glebby, Glebby, havent you learned your lesson? Evil men dont accept peace offers. Atleast usually.



I attack Tyrnovo to get more land for title King of Bulgaria. Who is that guy who decides when we can declare ourselves into something and when not? Im evil, why should I follow some middle-aged Swede made rules?



Sol kicks some Assen. Oh, that was good one.



Not even kicking some Assen made me good enough to declare myself King Of Bulgaria. That evil Swede...I have to attack Byzantine. It feels bad despite Im evil because I am Byzantine fanboy.



My evil vassals demand to make High Chief of Pechenegs a title for all of them to fight for. I accept because I have some spare High Chief titles to give my future son when Im King Of Bulgaria.



Does Batan get a son? Does he get married? Can he make himself King of Bulgaria?

 

[unmerged(17581)]

That Assen joke was too easy!

 

[EvilSanta]

Finding a good joke from my AAR is like finding a sober man in Irish pub

For some reason my troops doesnt think rebels are threat to my country and decide to go back home. I should hire those rebels.



It took only conquering Duchy of Pronsk, 2 rebel chiefdoms and Bulgaria for them to realize that Im aggressive warmonger.



I dont know what he said but certainly it wasnt satisfying to hear for Georgians and Pereyslavians. I let him go, Moskva is dirt poor place not worth keeping.



My mom got stressed. I think he found my plans for getting rid of her as soon I get decent politician.



My heart cries blood when I do this. Hey, I have some feelings too.



First battle with Byzantines end to my victory. Uugh, I feel so bad doing this. Id like to be christian so I could confess my sins.



I knew God would hate me! Oh please, I promise Im not evil anymore if I survive this. I beg you, my pagan gods.



Principality of Aegean Islands attacks Tyrnovo. I shall stand with them in this war. Im a good boy!




Does Batan survive his illness? Can he defeat both Byzantines and Aegean Islands? Who named that island group in Aegean Sea "Lesbos"?