Didn't think this was still active. I'm happy to see it is.
Author 1: I believe Peter nailed your game perfectly.
I really enjoyed your piece. You managed to capture the 'grandeur' of war inexperienced recruits feel (everyone's reactions to the Gold Captain and later the Green Bishop) and, by focusing on the Bishop, the intense weariness and loss of hope I imagine one would feel from an endless war. I especially liked his 'transfer' to what appears to be a scene out of the board game 'Clue.' Very clever.
Author 2: I'm not sure if that was your intent, but you made me hate the comte very deeply, and very early on with his arrogance. Your use of dialogue was excellent, though I wonder if it went a tad long.
I enjoyed your description of the duel, but honestly I'm not sure WHAT happened to the comte: You have his hand rushing to his should(er)?, then a deep pain in his ankle. Obviously the abbe didn't stab him or pricking his finger wouldn't have been necessary. Also, the abbe's letting him stay after going to the trouble of negotiating terms read a little false.
Author 3: As others have mentioned, a bit verbose. I like what you were attempting to do, but I think you need to simplify.
A few of your entries were obviously written by highly intelligent people, and if you intentionally chose more complex words to represent them you're to be congratulated. On the other hand, you do want to be concise. A few times I felt myself losing focus picking my way through what they were saying. The side details (tea waiting for me, etc.) are nice for characterization, but in something this short you need to get to the point.
Author 4: In general I liked your piece. Good descriptions and solid interaction between your characters. A few minor suggestions:
First, by constantly going flashback-present-flashback-present, it disrupts your reader's ability to keep up and see what's going on in their mind. Far better to perhaps show Guillaume clearly losing his fight, then replaying the critical part of the battle, then asking Henry how he did it.
Second, it seems really strange they would flip to see which side would move first, then flip again to determine offense/defense. In conventional chess white always moves first, and letting a coin determine your strategy seems reckless.
Third, there's nothing in Henry's demeanor that suggests he has any particular feeling for Guillaume as anything other than a worthy opponent. The idea that he was shipping Guillaume off just to raise a fresh army and come back seemed out of character, or at the least extremely unexpected. Perhaps a little more characterization showing Henry not liking the king, but following orders would have helped.
Author 1: I believe Peter nailed your game perfectly.
I really enjoyed your piece. You managed to capture the 'grandeur' of war inexperienced recruits feel (everyone's reactions to the Gold Captain and later the Green Bishop) and, by focusing on the Bishop, the intense weariness and loss of hope I imagine one would feel from an endless war. I especially liked his 'transfer' to what appears to be a scene out of the board game 'Clue.' Very clever.
Author 2: I'm not sure if that was your intent, but you made me hate the comte very deeply, and very early on with his arrogance. Your use of dialogue was excellent, though I wonder if it went a tad long.
I enjoyed your description of the duel, but honestly I'm not sure WHAT happened to the comte: You have his hand rushing to his should(er)?, then a deep pain in his ankle. Obviously the abbe didn't stab him or pricking his finger wouldn't have been necessary. Also, the abbe's letting him stay after going to the trouble of negotiating terms read a little false.
Author 3: As others have mentioned, a bit verbose. I like what you were attempting to do, but I think you need to simplify.
A few of your entries were obviously written by highly intelligent people, and if you intentionally chose more complex words to represent them you're to be congratulated. On the other hand, you do want to be concise. A few times I felt myself losing focus picking my way through what they were saying. The side details (tea waiting for me, etc.) are nice for characterization, but in something this short you need to get to the point.
Author 4: In general I liked your piece. Good descriptions and solid interaction between your characters. A few minor suggestions:
First, by constantly going flashback-present-flashback-present, it disrupts your reader's ability to keep up and see what's going on in their mind. Far better to perhaps show Guillaume clearly losing his fight, then replaying the critical part of the battle, then asking Henry how he did it.
Second, it seems really strange they would flip to see which side would move first, then flip again to determine offense/defense. In conventional chess white always moves first, and letting a coin determine your strategy seems reckless.
Third, there's nothing in Henry's demeanor that suggests he has any particular feeling for Guillaume as anything other than a worthy opponent. The idea that he was shipping Guillaume off just to raise a fresh army and come back seemed out of character, or at the least extremely unexpected. Perhaps a little more characterization showing Henry not liking the king, but following orders would have helped.