I finally have some time to give feedback to feedback!
Thanks to all of you who took the time to read these stories and leave comments and criticism! I do agree with most of what everybody said about mine. It certainly wasn't my best work. These GTA pieces are often pretty rushed. Course so are AAR posts, many times.
My story was an attempt to combine two settings/experiences: 1) Newt Gingrich wrote a historical fiction book about Valley Forge (he writes mostly alternate histories, but I think the one I refer to was true-to-life), and he dwelt upon the misery of the troops while marching in freezing conditions in a blizzard with practically no clothes or shoes. I tried to communicate the misery he did, though using a less miserable setting. But I also took the scene in the town from his impression of reaching Trenton and catching the British by surprise. 2) There's a scenario in the original Ghost Recon games where you're doing a mission in this dripping, flooding rainstorm, and you can see things in the distance only when the lightning flashes. I love that mood, and wanted to convey something similar.
Thanks! I've only read one vampire book (The Historian, which was great!), so I guess it didn't occur to me that I might suggest such a setting, but in retrospect I can see how you might think that.
To be honest, I love rain myself -- my favorite type of weather! Thanks! You're right about his losing focus on the rain, but I tried to strike a balance between concern over the battle, and the rain.
Ack! You're entirely right about the flow and the awkwardness of that paragraph. Your version is much better. Ellipses are a habit of mine. So are exclamation points. I should look into that. Thanks for the input!
Btw, you may be too young to pick up on the line I had in my feedback to you. It's from a Sting song called An Englishman in New York. "A gentleman will walk but never run," which I thought captured the Britishness of your piece very well. You'll enjoy the rest of the song as well.
Thanks! Yes, I could have described more. I was afraid it was getting too long already. You're right about Raf being very subjective about the rain.
Thanks! You're right about the descriptions. I was trying to emphasize that he couldn't see much of his surroundings because of the storm. But at the same time, I missed some opportunities, didn't I? I could have had a scene describing the water falling into the ravine (the column, it may not have been clear, was IN the ravine, which was below the river -- I imagined it as a sloping trail up the side of a hill that led to the village). Maybe I could have described something like a scene in Jurassic Park. With more time and more room for text I could have, and should have, done that. Again, I let the constraints on the story dictate what I tried, and maybe I shouldn't do that. Thanks for your compliments!
Thanks! That "short, punctuating, fragmented sentences" thing is something I've come to prefer, as a style. I'd hesitate to call it Hemingwayesque, because I'm certainly not comparing myself, and I'm also not actually a huge fan of Hemingway. But he was right in that -- short, staccato sentences can often set a scene better than a rambling, descriptive sentence. I tend to use that style, not just with this scene. But you're right, there's not much point to the story. I could have done a better job at that. What I was aiming for was a sort of soldierly detachment infused with cyncism -- the rain was as much an enemy to him as was the enemy itself, and as they say "cynics are never disappointed". He was "going through Hell, and determined not to stop" as Churchill would say, but Raf felt like he wasn't much in control of his life. In a way, his anger at that was directed as much at the rain as at anything, and that's also partly why he switched in the end, because he felt the anger gone. I'm not sure if it really works, or even if it could, but that's more or less what I was aiming for. Thanks for your comments!
Thanks! Not a whole lot of time for details, I thought, but maybe that's a self-imposed limit.
Thanks, LD! Bang, climax, bang... Sounds like a good recipe for a short story. I'll see if I can focus on that next time, and get a better outcome. Seems like most AAR posts (in fiction) are essentially this, too.
Guilty as charged, I think. I had the basic scene planned out within moments of seeing your challenge for "rain" but maybe that meant I hadn't given enough attention to proper focus.
Thanks for running this round! I'm really glad to see this up and running again!
Thanks to those of you who commented, and thanks especially to those authors who chose to showcase their work in GTA.
Participation by both commenters and authors is ABSOLUTELY what makes this work. Without either (and I've seen rounds where either or both were in short supply), this falls apart.
Rensslaer
Thanks to all of you who took the time to read these stories and leave comments and criticism! I do agree with most of what everybody said about mine. It certainly wasn't my best work. These GTA pieces are often pretty rushed. Course so are AAR posts, many times.
My story was an attempt to combine two settings/experiences: 1) Newt Gingrich wrote a historical fiction book about Valley Forge (he writes mostly alternate histories, but I think the one I refer to was true-to-life), and he dwelt upon the misery of the troops while marching in freezing conditions in a blizzard with practically no clothes or shoes. I tried to communicate the misery he did, though using a less miserable setting. But I also took the scene in the town from his impression of reaching Trenton and catching the British by surprise. 2) There's a scenario in the original Ghost Recon games where you're doing a mission in this dripping, flooding rainstorm, and you can see things in the distance only when the lightning flashes. I love that mood, and wanted to convey something similar.
I now return to edit in my review of the second story. This had some good lines in it, such as the boots reaching an acceptable stasis of wetness. There was a good focus on water and dripping and squishiness that made it clear how seemingly little Raf cared about this fight, and more about wishing he was dry, or at least not so damp. The one objection I have may merely be a flaw in myself, which is that when the lightening and dark towers started happening, I was expecting ominous dark events like a vampire or having the regiment be surprised by an even larger regiment, or something, but what actually did happen works well.
Thanks! I've only read one vampire book (The Historian, which was great!), so I guess it didn't occur to me that I might suggest such a setting, but in retrospect I can see how you might think that.
nr 2
Good opening, if a bit dreary. I note here a better balance, with a paragraph or two about rain-hating and then an attack being launched. Even if I find rain-haters miserable people who don't deserve to be in stories
The ending works, too, but I think the hate doesn't come through after the charge starts. We got it, sure, but Raf seems to have lost his hate of rain far before he said it in his mind.
Overall, a nice story, which I think stands by itself even if the tension is rather muffled by the rain
To be honest, I love rain myself -- my favorite type of weather! Thanks! You're right about his losing focus on the rain, but I tried to strike a balance between concern over the battle, and the rain.
Author #2: I like the brevity of the opening statement. It gives a really nice means of I trouncing the character, and gets the reader involved in the story straight away. I feel like I've heard the name Raf before in a character, though I can't think where... We get some good description in the first paragraph. I can really get a sense of the unpleasantness (if we are to out things mildly) of the situation, and, by extension, a good idea of Raf's own thoughts on the matter.
I thought the continued presence of the rain at the forefront of the story worked well. It really added to the mood of the piece. The paragraph with the boots worked well in this regard - acting as a neat little way of developing our view of Raf. The reiteration of the first line was also nice - sort of thing the piece together.
I thought the next paragraph was a tad hard to read - not in that it was illegible, but in that it didn't flow, to me at least, as well as its forebears. I think this was exemplified in the following sentence:
[...]Raf looked at his neighbor, skeptically, who looked at him resignedly… and then they both rose[...]
I think this is another case of adverb overload. This is how I would've written it.
Raf looked at his neighbour sceptically. He received a look of resignation by way of reply. They both rose.
This also eliminates the ellipsis, which is probably what makes that not flow for me more than anything. I would also note here that the speech could be perhaps be made a bit more clear. This could be done by simply spacing out the speech, and giving each new speaker a new line. For example, this:
A flash of lightning illuminated the sergeant’s face, as he drew near. “We’re going to hit the town in about an hour. We’ve got to march fast and hope to surprise them. With any luck, they’ll be drunk, and we can take the whole lot of them.” His shout drowned out a few hopeful cheers – men hoping to be able to loot afterward. “No soldier is allowed to drink booze that you find! You can take it with you, but if you so much as open the bottle tonight, so help me….” That was sufficient chastisement, and silence reigned again.
Could become:
A flash of lightning illuminated the sergeant’s face, as he drew near.
“We’re going to hit the town in about an hour. We’ve got to march fast and hope to surprise them. With any luck, they’ll be drunk, and we can take the whole lot of them.” His shout drowned out a few hopeful cheers – men hoping to be able to loot afterward. “No soldier is allowed to drink booze that you find! You can take it with you, but if you so much as open the bottle tonight, so help me….” That was sufficient chastisement, and silence reigned again.
We are soon reminded of Raf's thoughts of the rain. As I said before, I like the repetition here. It does a lot for the piece. Here, though, I would say that I think there are a few too many exclamation marks for my liking in the next few paragraphs. I'm not sure what others think, but I like to use them as sparingly as possible - though I guess it comes down to personal preference. When there are four in two paragraphs, though, I think it comes across more that I'm being shouted at than Raf (or the lightning - I liked the little comment here, by the way; very effective) exclaiming anything.
I liked the change of pace in the next few paragraphs. It echoed the change in situation very nicely. The last part was well done, as with the rest of the piece, though I still felt that there were a few too many ellipses and exclamation marks. I also liked the ending sentence. It closed the piece very nicely, and I found it rather intersting that Raf would be so fickle in his views. Maybe reflecting how grateful he was to still be alive? In any case, it was nicely done.
Overall, a very nice piece. It could maybe do with a little bit of revision in terms of punctuation, but very nicely done. I have no clue as to the author.
Ack! You're entirely right about the flow and the awkwardness of that paragraph. Your version is much better. Ellipses are a habit of mine. So are exclamation points. I should look into that. Thanks for the input!
Btw, you may be too young to pick up on the line I had in my feedback to you. It's from a Sting song called An Englishman in New York. "A gentleman will walk but never run," which I thought captured the Britishness of your piece very well. You'll enjoy the rest of the song as well.
Story 2
First off: I think the moral of the story is wrong. “Raf hates rain” – Raf successfully attacks a city – “Raf loves rain”. I think the proper line would be: “Raf loves it, when a plan comes together.”. At least one should be doubtful if Raf would still love the rain when the story had ended with the attack being a failure and himself lying near the city wall with a bayonet in his guts.
Apart from that it was a decent story. As I said, I love descriptions, so a bit more of it (sweat, heartbeat, fear, agony) wouldn`t have hurt, but nevertheless I like the setting.
Thanks! Yes, I could have described more. I was afraid it was getting too long already. You're right about Raf being very subjective about the rain.
Number Two
Since I can't avoid comparing this one to No. 3, let's just start with that. One very important element from that story is missing, or at least incomplete, in the latter part of this story: proper surroundings. While reading about the soldiers charging through the forest, suddenly there's a ravine, and quite haphazardly the soldiers are teleported into "a" village. Where is this all happening? What does the ravine look like, and how does one run from the ravine to the village? If anything, it should have been mentioned more clearly that like us, Raf didn't know of his surroundings because of the storm. That being said, the writing itself was great, and save the few times I was perplexed by the sudden shifts, this story ran fluently and was fun to read.
Thanks! You're right about the descriptions. I was trying to emphasize that he couldn't see much of his surroundings because of the storm. But at the same time, I missed some opportunities, didn't I? I could have had a scene describing the water falling into the ravine (the column, it may not have been clear, was IN the ravine, which was below the river -- I imagined it as a sloping trail up the side of a hill that led to the village). Maybe I could have described something like a scene in Jurassic Park. With more time and more room for text I could have, and should have, done that. Again, I let the constraints on the story dictate what I tried, and maybe I shouldn't do that. Thanks for your compliments!
Author 2.
For one thing, I really like the engaging descriptions; the short, punctuating, fragmented sentences help establish the mood and the mindset of the man whose perspective we're taking. My biggest problem is that the story just seems kind of... flat and pointless, emotionally and thematically. Raf is marching into a battle he seems to expect to lose as he marches into it, but the deepest emotion of his we get treated to over the first half of the piece is, 'he hates the rain'. Maybe I would understand it more if you were trying to make a kind of L'Etranger-type point about a soldier's solipsism and emotional detachment from what he's doing, but the ending of the piece just seems to fly completely in the face of that. Or if you were expecting to make it more about his need for self-preservation, you might have added a touch more to the build-up in the first half.
The style of the writing is amazing, but the substance of the story kind of feels wanting in the weight you seem to want to give it through your use of the iteration 'Raf hates rain'...
Thanks! That "short, punctuating, fragmented sentences" thing is something I've come to prefer, as a style. I'd hesitate to call it Hemingwayesque, because I'm certainly not comparing myself, and I'm also not actually a huge fan of Hemingway. But he was right in that -- short, staccato sentences can often set a scene better than a rambling, descriptive sentence. I tend to use that style, not just with this scene. But you're right, there's not much point to the story. I could have done a better job at that. What I was aiming for was a sort of soldierly detachment infused with cyncism -- the rain was as much an enemy to him as was the enemy itself, and as they say "cynics are never disappointed". He was "going through Hell, and determined not to stop" as Churchill would say, but Raf felt like he wasn't much in control of his life. In a way, his anger at that was directed as much at the rain as at anything, and that's also partly why he switched in the end, because he felt the anger gone. I'm not sure if it really works, or even if it could, but that's more or less what I was aiming for. Thanks for your comments!
Author 2
Good pacing. I followed the text without losing my concentration and interest. I would have liked a few more details concerning the back story, but otherwise, a good entry.
Thanks! Not a whole lot of time for details, I thought, but maybe that's a self-imposed limit.
Each story took the theme of rain and presented their own unique take (kind of like Iron Chef, but I digress). The posted commentaries and critiques succinctly covered anything I would point out, so there's no sense rehashing.
My following comments are general in nature, and apply to each entry. Bear in mind this has nothing to do with the quality of the writing (which was very good), or the use of the theme (again, very good). What you take away from my comments is totally up to you.
The biggest problem was structure. Each story spent an inordinate amount of space establishing the setting and characters but failed to deliver a proper climax and resolution. Taking the time for setting and character is good, if the tale is novella length or greater, but the nature of the GTA is more suited to a short story, or in some cases, flash fiction. What does this mean? It means you have limited space to grab the reader's attention and take him or her on a ride to a satisfying conclusion. In short, you should start the story with a bang and end it with a bang, or at the least, a meaningful ending. Too much time spent on setup usually results in a weak payoff, and the reader feels cheated. A friend in a writer's critique group I was involved with had a habit of saying "This is a good story, after you trash the first three pages." After grinding teeth over wasted effort, we would generally concede the man had a point. You have limited space to work with, so don't waste it.
In conclusion, jump into the tale with both feet, bring out any backstory and character development via dialogue, character mannerisms, and most importantly, showing, not telling. By the quality of the writing in these entries, I think each of you is more than capable.
Thanks, LD! Bang, climax, bang... Sounds like a good recipe for a short story. I'll see if I can focus on that next time, and get a better outcome. Seems like most AAR posts (in fiction) are essentially this, too.
I do not normally give critique myself when I run the round as I know who wrote what, but I do have one niggling thought on these submissions and frankly, it is mine own fault that it is so. I gave out the subject of Rain and I thought it was a good one. However, the word itself was used so many times in each entry, as I read them I began to regret it. Personally, I hate it when I read through what I wrote and see a word overused. I cannot imagine what I would have done with this topic.
Guilty as charged, I think. I had the basic scene planned out within moments of seeing your challenge for "rain" but maybe that meant I hadn't given enough attention to proper focus.
Thanks for running this round! I'm really glad to see this up and running again!
Thanks to those of you who commented, and thanks especially to those authors who chose to showcase their work in GTA.
Participation by both commenters and authors is ABSOLUTELY what makes this work. Without either (and I've seen rounds where either or both were in short supply), this falls apart.
Rensslaer