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"Guess-the-Author" Analysis and Critiques

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Author 1: I thought during WWI there was Christmas Truce and there was no fighting? Regardless of that, it does remind me of the callousness of generals who are more interested in enjoying themselves rather than actually making sure his men are taken care of properly. The line where Renault says" Who knew the Germans would fight on Christmas...." and onward. You have to LOVE the deadpan irony of him DARING to say such a thing when it was the French who initiated the attack. There were some clunky sentences, but otherwise a fine story.

Author 2: It was kind of humorous and I certainly can believe that there were those diviners in that period of time who would have certainly done whatever it took to get the cash. There was a very interesting thing on the History Channel about Herod of Alexandria who created all sorts of interesting 'toys' for the clergy and diviners to 'fleece' the customers. I also liked how the believability of what might happen to the diviners if they gave the King an answer he didn't like. Again, during that time period it was not unknown for monarchs taking out that diviner and having them killed for telling them something they didn't want to hear. Sometimes it was difficult to realize who was speaking. Only the complaints of the novice made it certain that he was the speaker. Other times you have to be paying close attention to make certain you know who is saying what.

Author 3: Also my favorite. Victory Day is just something I would seriously believe the Spaniards doing for centuries afterwards if they had conquered England. The giving of candy and sweets as the children 'loot' from house to house is reminescent of Halloween here in the states. The reasoning for it is believable though. The Don explaining it all in a 'history' lesson while the children enjoy cherry lemonade was a nice twist. It is indeed a shame that the Don and Dona couldn't have children of their own. Yet the ability of the older set to still 'enjoy' themselves prior to mass was kind of poignant.

All in all a good three stories. A shame the fourth couldn't have been here as well. I have no idea who wrote what, however, although the third author did have a title for his story.
 
A nice bunch of stories before Christmas; ok here are my comments:

Author #1

Interesting ambition to compare the hell in the trenches with General Renault´s Christmas celebration. The different parts did not really connect on all levels though and I felt that the story was a bit “thin”. A good idea that could have been executed in a better way to give a deeper story.

Author #2

Brilliant idea and excellent writing, this story had it all, excellent idea, good writing, humour, nice dialogue in exactly a format that suits this kind of exercise. The only negative I noticed was that the end felt a bit forced. Perhaps the author was in a hurry? I noted a couple of unnecessary spelling errors that might have been added to confuse us or about the origin of this story? The whole set up was obviously a bit “Ebbesen inspired”. My favourite.

Author #3

Interesting idea behind the story, the armada actually did win. The writing was habile all way. I felt that the story could have needed something extraordinary to really lift off. When you got the message there wasn´t much more to tell I felt. The author should have been a bit more restrained and bit by bit delivered the details instead of being obvious from start. So I give this story an ovation but not a standing one.

Thanks to all writers for you efforts :)
 
What a nice Christmas present! And a reminder that we have many fine writers on this forum, even if we don't know who they are. :p

1 - Okay, I have a nit. There lives no sergeant who would allow a soldier to call him, 'sir'. Other than that, this was an interesting segment.

This looks to be a big war, reminiscent of WWI, and not going all that well for the French. As usual the REMF's are being chauffeured in limousines, eating their fill and visiting with their families while the poor soldiers live in filth and nearly starve.

If a general can order an offensive only hours before Armistice, then certainly one can order an attack on Christmas. But this general seems to be actively malicious rather than merely oblivious; Renault is an odious man.

2 - someone had some good snarky fun with this - reminds me of a Blackadder sketch in a way. Or that rousing musical number from 'The Wiz', 'Don't Nobody Bring Me No Bad News'. As with that Wicked Witch, bad things tend to happen to Kings who kill the messenger.

"When I wake up in the afternoon
Which it pleases me to do
Don't nobody bring me no bad news
'Cause I wake up already negative
And I've wired up my fuse
So don't nobody bring me no bad news

If we're going to be buddies
Better bone up on the rules
'Cause don't nobody bring me no bad news
You can be my best of friends
As opposed to payin' dues
But don't nobody bring me no bad news
{chorus}
No bad news
No bad news
Don't you ever bring me no bad news
'Cause I'll make you an offer, child
That you cannot refuse
So don't nobody bring me no bad news"

Great fun! Not certain what period this was set in, other than the Grecian flavor.

3 - Manxátan, eh? I wonder how much the Spaniards had to pay for it - or if they kept the beads and just took it.

Excellently done. I always like hearing the history 'indirectly', and this 'class without a classroom' is a fine example of how to tell a story. Never explain, just let the children give the background.

Jose never takes off his teaching hat, does he?

I don't doubt the Spanish could succeed with the Armada (especially in EU2); I'm less certain they could have kept England permanently. With Elizabeth gone we'd probably have gotten the Stuarts on the throne, at least for a little while. And Parma's Army would have been urgently needed in the Netherlands, immediately and for the long term. The backlash from a Spanish invasion and occupation would probably have turned England more deeply Protestant than in our time line.

Drat! You're making me think! (That's a compliment, by the way). :)
 
Author #1

What a deliciously cynical story. Can’t find anything serious to complain about other than the minor point that Director has already
pointed out. There is a nice balance between the men at the front and the general back at his dinner. And of course the blood at the bottom of the plate was a nice touch. Very well done.

Author #2

A funny story that possibly ran on just a little too long. The end did feel rushed but wasn’t much of a problem. It must have been fun to write. I took it as broad comedy that wasn’t supposed to be an accurate portrayal of life in Greece.

Author #3

Another excellent story. It isn’t easy to write a short story where you can develop the characters enough to get the reader to care about them but you did that here. I like the added bittersweet aspect of them not being able to have children. It kept the story from being a simple feel-good story and added that extra layer of depth that separates the good from the excellent. I also liked the interpretation of what the holiday was all about.

Well done all.

Joe
 
Story #1: Great juxtaposition of the Hell of the trenches and the good living of the General. You really hate this Renault's guts, and this is even though he is nice to children. Great character portrayal (or should I say assassination?:D). I also liked the final "cut" from the fallen privates bleeding wound to the General cutting into a rare steak. That was a very filmic change of scene, which reminded me of the cut in "Dracula" from the decapitation of Lucy Westenra to Van Helsing tranching a steak. Grissly stuff! Spiffing work!

I really can't guess the identity of this writer.

Story #2: This was really fun. Much chortling and all that. :rofl: The only problem I had with the writing was there seemed to be missing a lot of comas. I on the other hand use to many comas, so who am I to throw a stone? I was also a little disturbed by some of the anatomical names used, as they seemed somewhat anachronistic. But that's a really minor point.

I'm going to venture a guess here and say... anonymous4401. Although the style of dialouge reminded me a lot of "Chopsticks in the mist" by Peter Ebessen (also a Master/Disciple dialogue).

Story #3: As has been mentioned, this story would have gained from holding out a little bit longer on the reader. We get to know the essence of what happened quite early on. Aside from that, I guess it takes some knowledge about the Castillian language to know that in ancient Castillian X is pronounced as a back-throat H, like in "Mexico" or "Ximena" (El Cid's wife), it's equivalent to J in modern Castillian. So I too understood where the colony of San Román de Manxátan is located. ;)

I can't guess the identity of this writer either.
 
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Only six people have done a critique so far. I know it is the holidays, but geez people! There is some fine work here that deserves critiquing. So get to it!
 
#1 - A very interesting and well done/written contrast piece.

I liked the transitions between scenes. The coziness of Renault's living room vs. the starkness of the trenches (though I did like that you showed Renault's dinner disturbed -- a contrast of its own). And I especially liked the matching of the blood from one scene -- Allegre's death -- to the blood on Renault's plate. Very clever!

I think you needed one or two more brief sentences to describe Allegre's death. It seemed too abrupt (death is abrupt, in war, but...)... perhaps "pat" is a better word. The story is very atmospheric until that point, then ooops! The end. I can see a writer meaning it to be that way, but I think the transition in your tone didn't quite make the corner.

All in all, I liked it. Well concieved, well written, well arranged, etc!

Author #2 said:
“Why did you flinch Jason?”

“I thought you were going to hit me. Ouch you did!”

“If I am not mistaken that is the first time you have been right today."
Click to expand...
All right, you caught me... Go ahead and say it. "Stop grinning Rensslaer, you look the fool!" :D

I am very impressed with this gloriously humorous work of art!

Entirely dialogue! Even the "boots to the head" were communicated in the form of dialogue, like an old radio play. Very excellently done!

I really have nothing but praise for this.

I will venture an educated guess (not having read what others' guesses are -- which is kind of like performing without a net!) and say this is Director's work.

Whoever the author is, I speak from experience when I say you have the talents to work as a public relations specialist for an elected official! :rofl: Or for a king... but I hear those jobs are harder to get!

#3 - Oh, I really liked this one as well! Very atmospheric. A true celebration, without tragedy but with a small hint of regret as with many celebrations.

I liked the comparisons between the kids and soldiers. The conversation was well done and believable.

And, most of all, it really conveyed the feel of an EU II game. How different in your history! Burning her at the stake! Oh my.

I see the single-quote style, and another couple of things that suggest this may be a European author. Beyond that I cannot guess.

Thank you to three very worthy authors! Great reads, and it looks like we're getting some good comments, too.

Merry Christmas to everybody as we near the day of celebration!

Rensslaer
 
Finally was able to read the stories and ponder a little:

1. The scene cuts from general to infantry were interesting. I felt, like some of the others, one or two of the lines on the general's side didn't go off well. I don't see him as evil so much as .... so far removed from the action he has no clue what's going on. Either way he's not an admirable man and makes me want to root for the Germans.

The Christmas Truce of 1914 is obviously either over or the French tried to break it, and obviously paid. I would also have liked to see a few more lines about the infantry squad, making us care for it a little more, then its massacre.

2. Well, I'm not good at comedy scenes .... this one seemed over the top - beyond funny and into clear farcical, which may be intentional. It almost read like a Three Stooges skit.

There were some clever lines in there though, especially about the cure for the apprentice's "curse" (the onion enema) and getting back to that right at the end. I did appreciate the leader's wisdom in what to tell and not to say to his king.

The Baptiste name should be reconsidered though, it threw me right out of the story. Unless we're arguing the master is VERY old, this is clearly a Greek-era piece.

3. I liked this best of all, for the reasons listed: Definite celebatory feel that reminded me of Halloween, with a touch of sadness. Author did a good job telling us WHAT happened through the teacher's story. No real nits here worth talking about.
 
Well, I promised before Christmas but it just did not happen. Too much in the egg nog, I am afraid, among other things. But it is time to reveal our authors and a strong set they were. So I give you:

* * *

AUTHOR #1: Fenwick

  • Recommended Reading:
For my people: California Empire AAR Victoria

The League of Evil: an AAR of doom HoI2

* * *

AUTHOR #2: Storey

  • Recommended Reading:
Three Countries One Goal EUII

A Mongol Empire Scenario-Desert Tides- Or how I learned to swim in quicksand EUII/MES

* * *

AUTHOR #3: The Yogi

  • Recommended Reading:
Where the Iron Crosses Grow - German AAR (Gold OscAAR Winner for Best Completed HoI AAR) HoI

THE EAGLE AND THE LION - A History of the German Empire in the Revolutionary Wars (Gold Reader's Choice Award Winner for Best Overall AAR presented in 2005) HoI2

-----------------------------

And there you have it. Please give these members a huge round of applause for putting their work out their blindly. And also give a huge thanks to J. Passepartout, Amric, Judge, Director, Storey, The Yogi, Rennslaer and CatKnight for finding the time during this busy season to include their voices in critique and letting these authors know that their work was done for a reason. I truly thank you as I am sure the writers do.

The next session is slated to begin at the beginning of January. As I doubt I will be prepared on the 1st, just begin looking for it at that time. It should be forthcoming in the next few days after that. And Happy New Years everyone!
 
Well, I guessed them all correctly, because I am cool and you are....

:stops as a messenger runs up, looks at note:

Fenwick, Storey and Yogi? Who are all these people???

:grins: Great work you three. Fenwick and Yogi I forgive myself for missing, I haven't seen enough of their writing. Storey...hm...I probably should have recognize the tone from 'Three Countries.' :grin: Maybe you should have the goat readers show up in Desert Tides!
 
Amric – Strange thing is the story didn’t start out as an example of how diviners fleeced their customers. But as I wrote it I kept having to come up with a reasonable explanation for their actions. I kept a strictly alternating speaking pattern between Jason and Kyros to make it easier to follow but even then with a story this long it could get confusing.

J. Passepartout – CatKnight – All the names in the story are myth-names. However even though Baptiste is Greek you’re right it doesn’t work with the others. I would definitely change it in a rewrite. Where’s a good editor when I need one?

Judge wrote, “The only negative I noticed was that the end felt a bit forced. Perhaps the author was in a hurry?”

In a word ‘yes’. :D The story was suppose to be 2/3 the length it ended up being. So I knew if I didn’t get to the last scene with the king quickly I’d end up with a novella on my hands. Also I wanted the king’s dialogue to be forceful and brisk as a counter to the other characters. However this added to the rushed feel at the end.

“I noted a couple of unnecessary spelling errors that might have been added to confuse us of about the origin of this story?

Yes that’s what I did. It was all planned! :D You would think that after
editing the story about 3 dozen times I’d get all the mistakes out of it wouldn’t you? Nope not me. After I sent it to coz I found two spelling errors, a dropped word and a grammar error but by that time I was tired of the sucker and said the hell with it. Where’s a good editor when I need one?


Director – I did have a good snarky fun with it. ;)


Yogi wrote, “The only problem I had with the writing was there seemed to be missing a lot of comas. I on the other hand use to many comas, so who am I to throw a stone?”

Comas? I’ll have you know I consider myself to be the Johnny Appleseed of comas. I sprinkle them hither and yon with the enthusiasm of a young child with a ten-dollar bill in a candy store. Should I use a period here? Nah I’ll use a coma. Perhaps a question mark would work best here? Nah a coma will do. I think I’ll use a coma to back up that coma just in case! Seriously I went back and can find only two or three places where I might add a coma. Part of that is due to hearing Kyros in my head and his speech pattern is somewhat like someone taking a deep breath and talking until they run out of air.


“I was also a little disturbed by some of the anatomical names used, as they seemed somewhat anachronistic.”

Well I had a choice to make for the names. I could use real anatomical names but that would force me to open up a book and study, which is frighteningly like work! Heaven forbid having to do that. So because we are talking about a unique science ‘entrails divination” I felt that the names would have to be mythical in origin. All the names, except for the infamous ‘Baptiste’ are myth names. Most have something to do with what I named them after. (If you have a twisted imagination)

Stop grinning Rensslaer, you look the fool. :D I’m glad you liked the story. I wanted to try writing a comedy because very few try it here. Many, many moons ago Secret Master, Mr. T, LD and I wrote short stories about a royal wedding. They’re somewhere near the beginning of this thread and worth reading. LD did his entirely in dialogue and I thought, “That’s neat, I think I’ll try it”, and immediately forgot about it. Then coz comes along and writes ‘celebration’ and those two synapses that cause my right knee to twitch and ideas to pop up in my head fired off with the resulting story. Go figure.

Catknight – The story is a cross between ‘Blackadder’ and ‘A funny thing Happened to Me on the Way to the Forum’. (If anyone’s old enough to know that play) At least it’s supposed to be. Normally I use a lot of physical action in my stories. E.G., he raised an eyebrow, she leaned forward or he scratched his nose, when telling a story so I needed to have some way to describe some physical movement in the story other than Kyros shoving entrails around. So I used the head slapping for the physical comedy part of the story.

Thanks to everyone who read and commented on my story. I found it interesting to see that some found my story funny and others not so funny but I’m not surprised. As Mel Brooks said, and I’m sure he stole it from someone, “Dying is easy. Now comedy, that’s hard!”

Also Yogi and Fenwick, you both wrote great stories. It was a pleasure sharing this thread with you.

Joe
 
CatKnight said:
I don't see him as evil so much as .... so far removed from the action he has no clue what's going on. Either way he's not an admirable man and makes me want to root for the Germans..
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I had wanted to make a comment about this, reference Fenwick's World War I story...

I agree... I don't see the general as evil so much as detached. I would not be surprised if this kind of behavior was very typical of generals in that age. I think by WWII it had changed, but...

The one area in which I think he could be most faulted is in attentiveness to the needs of the battlefield. A responsible general would be there to respond to a changing situation.

So he was cold, callous, lazy... But not evil, I think.

And I'm also probably WAY over-analyzing this! :rofl:

Well done, Fenwick... Thanks!

Renss
 
Thank you all who read, and commented. I wish to address the issue of the General. I did not intend to write him as evil, for I doubt any soldier is really evil. What I do think it that the actions of the officers at that time were out of touch. The common soldier would be in a muddy trench, and a commander would be off in a villa enjoying the wine. And I do not think him lazy, I saw him as a man enjoying the holidays, but also having a duty (if a rather out of touch one) to the front lines.

And my Sgt. liked to be called sir. But that could just be me.
 
I wonder, how many besides Director realised that San Román de Manxátan is the alternate version of New York? I was trying to portray it as little more than a big village, with one plaza etc. My take is that Spanish colonisation of North America would have much been less intensive than the English one. The Spanish-American Empire was virtually uninhabited by 1650 or so.


Storey, re-reading your story, it was only Baptiste that really disturbed me, although the latin-sounding -us names are strictly speaking also out of place in a sixth century BC Greek setting. But that is extreme nitpicking. :eek:o

Storey said:
Seriously I went back and can find only two or three places where I might add a coma.
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I might be mistaken, but I would definitely put comas in the below sentences:

Storey said:
Master look at this.

You have ten thumbs Jason and you use them all equally poorly.

Jason I do believe you are turning green.

Very good Jason there is hope for you after all.

Ah yes now the second discipline is art.
Click to expand...

Like this:

The Yogi puts in comas said:
Master, look at this.

You have ten thumbs, Jason, and you use them all equally poorly.

Jason, I do believe you are turning green.

Very good Jason, there is hope for you after all.

Ah, yes, now the second discipline is art.
Click to expand...
 
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The Yogi said:
I wonder, how many besides Director realised that San Román de Manxátan is the alternate version of New York?

Storey, re-reading your story, it was only Baptiste that really disturbed me, although the latin-sounding -us names are strictly speaking also out of place in a sixth century BC Greek setting. But that is extreme nitpicking. :eek:o
Click to expand...

I admit to missing the meaning of San Roman de Manxatan. :(

Both Gelasius and Halirrhothius are of Greek origin. Both are Male gender. Gelasius means laughter and Halirrhothius is the son of Poseidon. But I don’t know how far back in history they go so I can’t vouch for them being around in 6th BC. :D Besides nitpicking can be fun. ;)

As to the comas I think your examples are fine, even grammatically correct but they change the cadence of Kyros speech pattern, which raises an interesting question. With a standard story I can tell the reader if there are any speech patterns for my characters. E.G., he rolled the words around in his mouth, carefully chewing on them before reluctantly letting them out. But with only dialogue I'm left with using Jason possibly asking Kyros to slow down, which strikes me as inelegant but maybe necessary. Thanks for the feed back Yogi, I appreciate it. :cool:

Joe
 
Storey said:
Both Gelasius and Halirrhothius are of Greek origin. Both are Male gender. Gelasius means laughter and Halirrhothius is the son of Poseidon. But I don’t know how far back in history they go so I can’t vouch for them being around in 6th BC. :D Besides nitpicking can be fun. ;)
Click to expand...

It can, can't it? Well here's some more of the microscope-type, totally out of proportion nitpicking (feel free to do the same to me, I richly deserve it):) : shouldn't it be Gelasios and Halirrothios if the names are in greek? Ending with -us, they seem like a latinised form of the Greek names. Greek is pure Greek to me though, so maybe they're written like that.

Storey said:
As to the comas I think your examples are fine, even grammatically correct but they change the cadence of Kyros speech pattern, which raises an interesting question. With a standard story I can tell the reader if there are any speech patterns for my characters. E.G., he rolled the words around in his mouth, carefully chewing on them before reluctantly letting them out. But with only dialogue I'm left with using Jason possibly asking Kyros to slow down, which strikes me as inelegant but maybe necessary. Thanks for the feed back Yogi, I appreciate it. :cool:

Joe
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Well, everything that we do with the language to better bring across a story or portray a character is OK by me. It's like misspelling certain words to emulate an accent, so nitpick withdrawn. And it's a real pleasure both to read your excellent piece and nitpick it, so you're welcome. :)
 
coz1 said:
The next session is slated to begin at the beginning of January. As I doubt I will be prepared on the 1st, just begin looking for it at that time. It should be forthcoming in the next few days after that. And Happy New Years everyone!
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Meaning no pressure... just a jog of the mind! ;)

...and of course to assure you we're still interested and anxious!

Renss
 
Yes, completely my fault, Renss. I totally forgot about this as the new year got going. However, if people are still interested, we can run another.

How about this for a topic - A Ruler's Insanity (Monarch, President, etc.) It may not work completely for HoI, but it's still usable.

The first four people to contact me by PM are in. Deadline for submissions is January 16th.
 
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