First off, the first sentences in these story breaks and starts are extremely well written. For some reason. Make of that what you will. But just thought I'd mention, because the previous rounds entries universally did not start very well...
This is a pretty good start. A little banal, but the content immediately launches the reader into both a situation and a story. Provides a time frame too. Good work for eight words.
It is perfectly possible and normal for European winters to last six months or so. October to March is not so unusual. The brackets therefore aren't really necessary.
Of course this puts paid to the idea of it being in the bleak midwinter, but we still have winter and bleakness. Two out of three ain't bad.
Here follows several jokes on cannibalism and meat eating in desperation. The problem of course, is that the besigers should be supplied by their own forces. If they aren't, and everyone including the officers in charge are starving, there is little believability in them all staying put instead of buggering off to go feed themselves. Apparently they've run out of everything, including Canon shot. Clearly this isn't an important siege for their realm (whomever that may be) so why are they still there?
Again, this poor bastards have devolved to cannibalism. Before that happened, and especially after months of it, surely they'd break or riot or something?
This is well written and a good play on the developing concept. It works much better in the besieged city than the guys outside.
Then again, it begs the question why they haven't given up? Is there an army coming to save them? Are they all going to be slaughtered if the other guys get in?
What is worth all their lives, even after everyone in the local government is dead and eaten? As the story has gone to the trouble of pointing this exact thing out, repeatedly, the author must also answer that question.
A cracker of a nonsequiter.
That is spoiled considerably by this. What on earth is going on here?
The first sentence is alright, but after that. 'They' (plural) 'would not even qualify as a gaggle or herd (so far, so literate), 'though' (comma then though indicates an alternating point that never comes), 'not really.' (Not really what? Though... something? Or that they aren't a herd or gaggle, or they are?).
We aren't, by the way. We're dealing with three.
To be precise, two bounty hunters on a ship, and one bounty in a chimney.
These chaps proceed to spend the entire story being utterly incompetent at their jobs.
This may however be a purposeful joke.
We are in the not making sense realm again.
The author does this quite a but actually.
They seem to have gone back having written the work and gone 'oh that doesn't make sense...let me acknowledge that without editing anything.'
This is a very common problem with writers old and new, but especially new (of course). Whilst it
can work, generally speaking if you've found a flaw in your writing to the extent you want to draw further attention to it to explain it away...why bother? Rewrite the damn thing. It'll be easier on both the writer and reader.
In this case, there is no reason as to why the meeting and drop off can't be done in space. Or on the moon. Or on Mars. Or a mile
over there, in the apparently lifeless forest.
Another genuine funny. This work has a lot of them. It's just that it also provides copious explanations for things that don't need explaining (such as winter being cold, and long lasting in europe) or comically bullshit (the 'expert' alien hacks, and the reasoning behind doing contract negotiations in the middle of a
siege).
If it is deliberately meant to be funny, it is in a way. But still, unnecessary explaining is unnecessary.
Another great opener. The author must really like these. Or had a sketch-like way of constructing this story. Makes sense if that's the case.
Nothing much to say here. That's good stuff, very much in the line of British comedic meandering patter that suddenly and randomly gets political in places.
The dialogue could use some work. Its a little wooden. However, this is because, I think, the author is trying hard to differentiate between two voices without the trappings of sentence structure.
But, really, no one speaks like this. It's not
bad, but the execution saps the content, if you understand. Like any George Lucas script, the content is great. The execution is £:÷"&@*.
Hmm. Some editing could be done here. I'm fairly sure the emphasis was meant to be like this:
"I am
in your chimney, your tube. I am not
a chimney. Extract me
immediately...dolt."
The quotations around chimney do put the point across that the alien doesn't know what a chimney is, but we already know that, and it emphasises chimney in both sentences when it shouldn't.
The author should have some faith in their abilities. They've made the point about the alien being clueless effectively already through the dialogue. No need to Hammer on.
DensleyBlair said:
“Er, do hands count? I’ve got them.”
“I don’t know if they count."
See? Better example, although later on.
DensleyBlair said:
“It’s the oldest trick in the book! ‘Hide the teleporter and make a quick getaway when you hit atmosphere. Your captors will be too bloody stupid to search you properly’. And we fell for it! You fell for it.”
“I know, Stel. I’m not sure how it happened. But what’s done is done.
Again, the author is cheating here. There is a dissonance between two bounty hunters constantly referred to as good and experienced, and them funking up this random job so badly.
A dissonance so bad, the author noticed it (or deliberately wrote it that way for comedy) but then decided to try to weasel out of it rather than either rewriting the plot or making it slightly more clear that this is a deliberate dissonance for comedy.
DensleyBlair said:
Not one escape in seventy thousand standard years. That
means something.”
This is inherently unbelievable anyway as its such an insane length of time for nothing to go wrong in, but for these two idiots, its even more so.
DensleyBlair said:
Imagine, if you will, a breadfruit.
Frankly, these openers keep getting better and better with their insanity.
Why isn't the whole story told like this?
DensleyBlair said:
The besiegers, as one, had noticed the flag waving from the northeastern portion of the cannon-dented city walls and felt a small seed of hope sprout up, their first in months.
WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? To
both sides!
DensleyBlair said:
Look, I know how this sounds, but a spirit appeared to me out of my chimney and said that there were other spirits trying to hunt it down and that they would come from the sky. I was wondering if you perhaps had enough gunpowder and shot left to fire a volley at their… ship of the air… when it approaches. You don’t have to believe me. But if you could just pass the message up and get your artillery ready to fire at anything if it does come from the sky…?”
“I… suppose I can pass that along. But… why do you care? Why should we?”
“These spirits… They seem solid. I touched one. They might need to eat like we do. If they do, their ship might have some food on it.”
“Isn’t the whole point of spirits that they are in fact not solid?”
First of all, the invading army believes this.
Second, the author is pointing out a dissonance again, and this time it
is deliberate and it
is for comedy.
It makes me want to view the previous issues more favourably as it seems the whole story is a farce of some kind, but the issue does remain.
DensleyBlair said:
The situation was desperate. Pure insanity would be entertained.
WHY ARE THEY STILL THERE THEN???
DensleyBlair said:
The wreckage of Stelles and Kildra’s ship rained down on the city and the army outside its walls (killing several people who have not featured in the story thus far and are therefore completely unimportant).
One final cracker of a paragraph starter to see us out. This story lacked a great deal of sense, but had good ideas, funnies and talent in there.
It could have used an editing sweep, I think. But not bad at all.
As for guesses...Well, it isn't me and it isn't Mr Blair (using he and him as default pronouns? Certainly not). Who else likes aliens and British comedy tropes and weird plots?
...
Oh...everyone here.
Bugger...who's next? I think ill follow Peter Ebsens path through the stories, for convience sake.