By the order of his Imperial majesty, Frederick, holy Roman Emperor, King of Germany, King of Italy, King of Burgundy, and Duke of Swabia...
WHEREAS we bear the deepeste lovve for the Electors, Princes, Dukes, and Counts of our Lands....
AND WHEREAS We bear upon Our shoulders the responsibility of the Father, that is, to maintain the Safety and Security for those whome We doth love...
AND WHEREAS there have come to Us the vile report of Scandalous Behavior in our demesne....
WE THUS VOW to Repair unto our people a sense of Order and Justyce by Our Command.
As it has been brought to our attention that the acts of a single mann, one Anton Joseph of Schmalzgrube, have Harmed the Ability of our Princely Cousin, Frederick of Boehmen, to Render his Vassalage Duty unto Ourselves.
Specifically, it has reached our Imperial Dignity that this fellow has Made the Counts, Knights, and other Dutiful Subjects reluctant to Leave their Homes and Properties to Serve as Called Upon by our Royal Voice.
While it is Beneath Our Dignity to Describe in Detail the Acts Salacious which have been Reported, suffice to Summarize in General that this Anton Joseph is Suggested to have Scandalously Taken Advantage Of at Least Twenty Two Women of the Highest Honor, Sixteen Women of Lesser Honor, and an uncertain number of Women whose Honor is something Less than their Hospitality. To Accept these Rumors Would be to Validate the Dishonor of these Fine Families and Cuckold Noble Men of Highest Regard.
By Imperial Command we Decree that his Protestations Of Innocence be Accepted. His claim that he was Merely Comforting these Women during the Absence of their Husbands is Credible to Our Ears. We Accept therefor, the Honor of these Women remains Unsullied.
Rumormongers who Continue to Pursue their Trade on This Matter will Meet with our Sternest Rebuke.
In the Meanwhile, We Offer our Warm Congratulations to the Nobles of Bohmen. The Blessings of God upon your Houses, and especial Blessings to All the Many, Many Fine Young Princes and Princesses who were Recently Born in Complete Honor and Respectability; We are Certain that they will Carry Forward Unbroken the Honor of your Family Lines With Grace and Dignity, and Without a Hint of Scandal.
We Further Decree that by Request of Our Cousin Frederick, Prince of Boehmen, we have Granted the following Boon...
THAT THE PEACE OF THE REALM may be Enjoined, Anton Joseph Shall Hereafter be Known by the Apellation Anton Joseph LIEB. It is Our Wish that This is Recognized not as an Eternal Warning of the Now-Dismissed Rumors of his Conduct and General Untrustworthiness. Instead this Shall Be Seen by All as a Token of Our Favor and Affection...
AND WHEREAS WE DO SO FAVOR Our Cousin Frederick, that We have made A Place available in Our Retinue for that Anton Joseph Lieb. He shall therefore Accompany Us in our Crusade to the Holy Land.
RECOGNIZING that he Bears the Mark of Our Favor, Master Lieb shall be Accompanied at All Times by Two of our Trusted Sergeants, both to Protect his Body, and to Witness that he Shall no Longer be Allowed in Situations of Privacy with Women, such that may Unfairly Impugn His Honor. Shall he by Accident or Temptation be Lured from their Presence, We offer Our Imperal Hand Of Forgiveness for Whatever Acts these Sergeants might be Compelled to Perform to Protect His Honor.
WE HEREBY COMMAND AND SET FORTH,
Frederick, by Our name and in Our hand from the Imperial Court at Mainz, In this Year of Our Lord One Thousand, One Hundred, Eighty and Eight.
*Yes, my last name is Lieb, my family records place our origin in the Bohemian mountains on the border with Bavaria in the town of Schmaltzgrube, our family has used the names Anton and Joseph for as far back as records carry, and I'm a handsome, charming fellow. At least my wife says so. The rest might be some artistic license.